Agreed to have sex with him and now changed my mind

[MissPinkEyes]

Met this guy online 2 weeks ago. We went on a dinner date and it went well and we kissed at the end.

After the date he started talking about sex and because I was attracted to him and it felt fun, I texted him back. So after a while we were sexting and he asked if I wanted to have sex with him next time we meet and I said yes. I thought why not it can be a good experience. We agreed to meet next weekend at his place.

But then now after saying that to him I realise the reality of it. 

Although he said he wanted a relationship and etc, I feel he is just looking for Casual Sex and nothing else. Nothing wrong with that, but that is not really me to do.

I mean, I love sex and is very tempting to accept it, but I always think about afterwards. 

The feeling of not knowing if I'll still talk to him, or he will ghost me, or will he treat me well after, plus the ocytoxin kicking and I cannot then spend the day with him in romance, etc, kills me.

The thought that after doing it I'll be coming home alone to deal with it is too much.

So, I have changed my mind, but now how do I tell him that? That I got carried away but in reality I want a relationship and get to know each other and take things slow? He'll think I'm playing games with him. But probably it would be a good thing to do to see what he's really after, if the sticks around and go on dates or not. Or should I just block him and move on?

Thank you!

 

Edited December 28, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[Datergirl]

Honestly, if I was in this situation, a guy texting me asking me if I wanted sex with him would be a total turnoff.  A little flirty texting with a hint of suggestion yes but not straight up 'do you want sex with me'....it does seem like sex is what he wants. Of course he does, he might want a relationship too but you don't know that yet. 

Just be truthful, tell him the texting was fun but you'd really rather take it a bit slower and get to know each other a bit first. Hard to reverse things now though...tip, if you want a relationship don't sext someone you've only been on one date with! 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

So, I have changed my mind, but now how do I tell him that? That I got carried away but in reality I want a relationship and get to know each other and take things slow? He'll think I'm playing games with him.

No, a decent guy will understand that people sometimes get caught up in the moment and you have every right to change your mind. When it comes to something as delicate as sex, a decent man isn't going to lose his cookies if you maturely explain your choice.

And even if he does think you're playing games, who cares? You don't know this guy from Steve. Next him if he gets upset. 

I personally find it weird to "schedule" sex with someone you hardly know, so I would be put off that he even asked that. Why not just let things unfold naturally, and talk about it should the opportunity arise? I think you're likely correct that he's just after sex, and he doesn't have much game, either. The whole situation sounds awkward and I would probably not be that keen to see him again anyway.  

[Wiseman2]

If casual sex/hookups are not for you, simply cancel the date.

You can be honest in this case and tell him you got caught up in the sexting but upon reflection, you don't think it's a good idea right now 

He'll either ask you out again...or not . Either way you'll know his intentions better.

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

He'll think I'm playing games with him.

Most likely.

Quote

But probably it would be a good thing to do to see what he's really after, if the sticks around and go on dates or not. Or should I just block him and move on?

You're not going to learn anything about him in this situation. Most people react negatively when someone does a complete about-face.  At best, he will be confused about your motives and your ability to accurately articulate what you want.  At worst, he will think you are playing a game of bait-and-switch.

Just cancel the date and move on to the next guy. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

I mean, I love sex and is very tempting to accept it, but I always think about afterwards. 

The feeling of not knowing if I'll still talk to him, or he will ghost me, or will he treat me well after, plus the ocytoxin kicking and I cannot then spend the day with him in romance, etc, kills me.

How do you ever expect to have sex with a man again with this thought process?  Are you planning to wait until marriage or an engagement ring before you have sex.

[MissPinkEyes]

28 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How do you ever expect to have sex with a man again with this thought process?  Are you planning to wait until marriage or an engagement ring before you have sex.

Good question. 

Women are often advised to wait to have sex. Not wait until marriage or an engagement ring (although some do), but wait until you know the guy better and see how he is.

In my case I only met the guy once and he talked about having sex right after. So makes me wonder if sex is all he wants.

 

[MissPinkEyes]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

Slippery slope...

I'm not sure if you have had a bad experience about that or a friend of yours, but that is not the topic of my thread. 

If I change my mind is my responsibility, I would never accuse a man of rape. 

This is a topic about how to communicate changing my mind to the guy, just that.

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

So after a while we were sexting...

 

3 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

In my case I only met the guy once and he talked about having sex...

 

So were you "sexting" or not??

[introverted1]

8 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

In my case I only met the guy once and he talked about having sex right after. So makes me wonder if sex is all he wants.

 

And so did you.

Asking sincerely:  What did you think the outcome would be when you were sexting after only having just met him? 

If you want to know where a man stands, you have to first figure out where you stand and then be true to your principles.

 

Edited December 28, 2020 by introverted1

[MissPinkEyes]

Just now, introverted1 said:

And so did you.

Asking sincerely:  What did you think the outcome would be when you were sexting after only having just met him? 

If you want to know where a man stands, you have to first figure out where you stand and then be true to your principles.

 

That's true.

When I was sexting him I wasn't thinking about the outcome to be honest. I was just in the moment and it was fun.

Then later I realised he took it very seriously and wanted to have sex in real life, and that's when it hit me if I want that so soon with him.

[MissPinkEyes]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

 

So were you "sexting" or not??

Yes we were, that's the point of this thread.

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, MissPinkEyes said:

That's true.

When I was sexting him I wasn't thinking about the outcome to be honest. I was just in the moment and it was fun.

Then later I realised he took it very seriously and wanted to have sex in real life, and that's when it hit me if I want that so soon with him.

It appears you BOTH took it seriously because he invited you to his place for sex and you accepted.  Then, after thinking about it, you got cold feet and are now trying to figure out how to get the horse back in the barn, so to speak.  Personally, I think this one is done.  I don't see a realistic way for you to "un-do" the sexting without him thinking you are playing games or just plain confused. Either way, most emotionally healthy people will not want to continue.

I stand by my statement that you need to figure out your own priorities/desires.  There is nothing wrong with casual sex as long as you are able to accept it for what it is. And there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship.  The key is to determine what you want and then align your behaviour with your principles. 

[contel3]

Lol some answers in here are just horrible 

OP, you met this guy once. You're worrying way too much about the feelings of someone who straight up asked you to come to his place to have sex after one date...he's not exactly being super nice to you, why do you care so much what he thinks? 

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Yes we were, that's the point of this thread.

The last time a woman sexted me, my response was "Can I come over and play with that??"... Her response was "YES!!"

I think most guys are going to see "sexting" as an invitation... not a refusal.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, I don’t feel sad for this guy... He asked you for sex on the second date. Tell him you have reconsidered and you need to know someone more before you have sex... If he flakes, you know exactly what he wanted from you. I wouldn’t feel badly about that at all...

Set your boundaries and don’t feel badly about that. But, for future reference, you need to be consistent - no more mixed messages. Either you get sexual early or you wait. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know a guy and building some trust before you have sex. You should never feel pressured to have sex with a man you barely know. 

Edited December 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[Versacehottie]

I'm inclined to think the guy is after sex, first and foremost.  He might want a relationship but that's not the gist of what his effort is going toward.  He's risking offending you with that question or losing your interest completely.  And now you've pretty much indicated you were up for it.  I don't think that wanting a relationship and wanting sex are mutually exclusive but I think he's leading with that and you can't flip flop yourself without repercussions on both sides.  All I can say is you should talk to him honestly about it if you are still interested and don't take him at his word (such as he says "i totally want a relationship") but tell him you need to go slower and see if he's up for that (that would be ACTUAL evidence of someone who might be interested in a relationship with you).  

I have to say, I think it's already done because this is not a great start.  If you don't care too much, I would just move onto the next guy. Good luck

[introverted1]

I don't feel sad for the guy.  Yes, he asked for sex.  But she was a willing participant in the sexting that led up to him asking for sex.  It's not like he just sprung this on her out of the blue.

Quote

After the date he started talking about sex and because I was attracted to him and it felt fun, I texted him back. So after a while we were sexting and he asked if I wanted to have sex with him next time we meet and I said yes. I thought why not it can be a good experience. We agreed to meet next weekend at his place.

As I understand it, the issue now is not whether to accept the offer of sex or not -- that ship has sailed, she has accepted -- but that the OP wants to change her "yes" into a "no" while still preserving the possibility of a relationship with this guy.  And I'd say that ship has also sailed - she should just move on with greater clarity about her own needs/desires.

[smackie9]

 If you think you can't handle that emotionally then, you simply tell him what you told us...that this is something you don't have experience with... it would be great to have sex in all, but after some thought you decided this arrangement isn't for you and hope he understands.

[miss2017]

My take is that this guy just wants sex. He mentioned sex because he was attracted to you on the first date (sexually), and wants to have sex with you and was fishing to see if you are up to it. 

If he wanted to date you, he would not mention sex that early. He would simply invite you for a second date. If sex happened (organically) on that second date, fine. But that is a VERY different thing than mentioning sex after a first date. 

I bet that is this guy's strategy. He goes out on a normal date to check the girl out and then speak about sex to see who takes the bait.

Think about it: how would a guy feel if after a first date the woman started to talk about marrying him and ask if he's up to it? First of all would think she is crazy (too much too soon), and second would think she is only interested in finding a husband and not interested in really knowing him.

Same here. He is only interested in you for sex and not in really knowing you.

So, you have 3 options here: one have sex with him knowing is just casual and he might ghost you afterwards (even if not, it will only be about sex with him), second to be honest with him and tell him how you feel and what you want, or just block and delete without saying anything.

I would go with the second option, be honest about how you feel. If you want a relationship in general, honesty and clear communication are part of it. And anyone can change their minds.

Although I'm pretty sure in this case he won't like it and will be the one blocking you. Good riddance. 

And I agree with the others here: decide what you want and stick to it. As soon as a guy starts talking about sex, tell him you like to take things slow and do not have sex talks so soon. See if he stays or leave.

Edited December 28, 2020 by miss2017

[ShyViolet]

I don't think you're going to get the type of relationship you are looking for from this guy.  He started sexting you and asking for sex after the first date.  That is kind of sleazy.  You said yes because you got caught up in the moment, but now you're realizing that something doesn't feel right about this.  Just send him a text ASAP saying that you got caught up in the moment but that you actually are not going to do that.  Whatever you do, DO NOT go to this guy's house anyway, when you know that you don't actually want to have sex.  You will end up in a weird situation where you might feel pressured to have sex and end up doing it anyway even though you didn't fully want to.  You need to make a CLEAR decision, not be "wishy-washy".  Don't worry about what he is going to think, just text him that it seems you and him aren't looking for the same things.

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Good question. 

Women are often advised to wait to have sex. Not wait until marriage or an engagement ring (although some do), but wait until you know the guy better and see how he is.

In my case I only met the guy once and he talked about having sex right after. So makes me wonder if sex is all he wants.

 

There are guys who say they want a relationship but after sex 2 or 3 times they ghost.  You can never really be sure.  So it's really a crap shoot.

[MissPinkEyes]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think you're going to get the type of relationship you are looking for from this guy.  He started sexting you and asking for sex after the first date.  That is kind of sleazy.  You said yes because you got caught up in the moment, but now you're realizing that something doesn't feel right about this.  Just send him a text ASAP saying that you got caught up in the moment but that you actually are not going to do that.  Whatever you do, DO NOT go to this guy's house anyway, when you know that you don't actually want to have sex.  You will end up in a weird situation where you might feel pressured to have sex and end up doing it anyway even though you didn't fully want to.  You need to make a CLEAR decision, not be "wishy-washy".  Don't worry about what he is going to think, just text him that it seems you and him aren't looking for the same things.

I actually told him that I would like to know him better at other levels beyond sex (because at a certain point sex was all he was talking about). He said yes of course, I want that too and to develop a friendship as well and get to know you better.

So I thought I was being clear, and that because he said yes we would go on a normal second date to have dinner again or do some activity together (not sex). But what he did after this conversation was to invite me into his place for sex. 

So I guess he totally ignored what I said or pretended to want the same. So that makes me believe that is all he wants and I need to be direct and honest about it asap. 

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

I actually told him that I would like to know him better at other levels beyond sex (because at a certain point sex was all he was talking about). He said yes of course, I want that too and to develop a friendship as well and get to know you better.

So I thought I was being clear, and that because he said yes we would go on a normal second date to have dinner again or do some activity together (not sex). But what he did after this conversation was to invite me into his place for sex. 

So I guess he totally ignored what I said or pretended to want the same. So that makes me believe that is all he wants and I need to be direct and honest about it asap. 

Yeah this should be your sign to not see this guy again.  He's not going to change.  He's just looking for sex.

[MissPinkEyes]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Yeah this should be your sign to not see this guy again.  He's not going to change.  He's just looking for sex.

Yes that is true. I did feel uncomfortable that he was ignoring what I said and acting exactly the same as before, when he said he wanted the same as me. That is a red flag. I am cutting this guy off. Thank you.