Not looking for something serious

[Mn21]

I’ve been dating this man for over a year, and that includes the pandemic times. Things are great but recently, he told me he doesn’t know how long I see this relationship but he’s not looking for anything serious– This statement came after a fight.

 

A stupid fight. A little back story, things are great and we were still seeing each other even during the lockdown. We talk almost everyday. Fast forward a week ago, i got mad at him for putting me low in priority and I also said I’m hurt– I asked him when are we seeing each other as I assumed we are gonna see each other around christmas time. He answered “I’m not sure” and provided information that he’s gonna be busy the following week with his family. I got mad with the “I’m not sure” part as to me, I translate that to “I don’t care about you.” 

Also, the thing is, I got mad at him and told him we should talk and get a reality check of the relationship which he then replied that he may not be in the right state of mind to be in a relationship right now. The thing is I’m not sure what this truly means...is he saying this to lose pressure on his side because his father just died...or he really meant to end us? If it’s the latter, how come it doesn’t match what was happening with us before to the death of his father? Could this be an emotional response only because he’s grieving?

 

I called him after he replied that via text. On the phone, his voice was breaking. I asked him what he meant by that reply. He said there are so many things going on right now in his life and he thinks we need to take a break. I asked him what he means and is he just dropping me just like that? He said he’s not just dropping me. He said we can continue to talk but relationship is too much for him right now. So I asked him then why do we need to take a break, doesn’t he want to see me again? He said “I do, I still want to continue seeing you...I don’t know how long you see this relationship but I’m not looking for anything serious right now. You said you’re hurt and I have no intention to hurt you. That’s why I’m not making any promises to you or plans as I may not be able to fulfill them.” This statement boggles me still even days after. Why? Because it makes me question everything. EVERYTHING. Yes, I’m an insecure person and it’s either I’m overthinking or I’m correct that he doesn’t want something serious– with me and trying to lighten the blow by sounding to be a good guy.

 

I am familiar that men say a similar response when they want to break up and date other people and simply doesn’t want to be the bad guy. But in our case, we were happy before this happened and I’m not sure if this is influenced by his fathers recent death. I’ve heard the same “not ready for relationship” with my exes but because the relationships were really bad and seriously no future whatsoever. 
 

Of course, me, being an emotional wreck as it triggered me, I asked the same thing again why he want to take a break. Then he said “There’s so much going on right now plus my father just died and your message asking about the relationship just threw me off.” I then interrupted that his reply of “I’m not sure” threw me off too as to me, it means he doesn’t care. He said no, he didn’t mean it like that as he simply not sure because of work, plus everything else, including a recent family fight(which I only learned that time) and he doesn’t even know where to celebrate Christmas coz of the family fight(he elaborated the fight). He was speaking of the family fight as if I knew about it all along. And I interrupted him saying that “what fight, I have no idea of this fight, you never told me this”. This. this is actually common of him. He doesn’t have the best memory out there. He tends to tell me things that he already mentioned before and sometimes he thought he already told me things that he actually never mentioned before. By far, things he repeat are consistent so I know those weren’t made up and he simply has bad memory. After I learned about that family fight, I immediately apologized that I had no idea about it. Also, his voice started sounding normal when he realized he didn’t tell me about the recent family fight. He said he thought he told me. He said it’s the reason why he cancelled his Supposed trip. I knew he cancelled his trip days before but I assumed it’s because of the upcoming snowstorm... and I believe it’s true because around those times, he’s too distant. He wasn’t as distant when his father died. We even hungout still after his fathers death. But I noticed the distance around the time that he was supposed to travel...I simply didn’t say anything. 
 

so after I apologized, i said I thought we are doing good(relationship) and he said he thinks so too. He then said we can meet maybe tomorrow or the following day after work. He said he’s not sure which day because he has to prepare his home to be accommodating for me as he wants me to be comfortable. (I’ve seen his place before when I came by surprised. It’s not necessarily dirty but he really make things perfect when he knows I’m coming). Anyway, I still refused. I said no, it’s best not meet and take the time for himself because he needs it. I said this because I know how he is with work and I’ve seen him working from home and his job can be hectic and he gets distracted really quick...He insisted that no we can still hungout. I still refused. I told him I don’t want to add to his stress. (I don’t want to mess things up even further especially when there’s a grieving involved). So we agreed that we won’t see each other this holiday. I told him goodnight and I love him. He said the same thing. 
 

Just a summary of this guy(in case this information is necessary for you provide more answer): by far, he’s different from the men I’ve dated before. By far, I feel more secure in this relationship than the others. I never felt security with my exes. The problem, because of my past relationship experiences, I’m more sensitive to little things so I react immediately. I guess you can say I’m anxious and has fear of abandonment. He treats me great. When we are together, he makes sure his attention is on me (which I never really experienced before). I didn’t even trust him during the first 6 months because I wasn’t sure if it was normal as I’ve never had a similar experience with my exes. The red flags with my exes were too obvious that it’s just a waiting moment who’s gonna breakup first. This guy, he was so attentive to me, except when he’s too busy with work. (I only confirmed that it’s true during the lockdown as I was there when he was working from him and his job is crazy. I actually prefer not to be there when he’s working as it stresses me out too).

 

 If I have to say an issue about him, I’d say his bad memory and his life being too busy: work, other aspirations. He keeps adding things to his plate and something he end up not completing one because he doesn’t really have time to do them. I knew this from the start. If we ever fight, which rarely happens, it’s just me wanting more attention. Honestly I think I’m damaged and I have problems feeling secure in a relationship.
 

So, people say that when I man says he’s not ready for anything serious is to believe him and run. At the same time people say that believe actions than words. Although it seems we are okay with each other now after the phone call, how can I confirm that 1) he actually love me and genuinely wants to continue dating me and didn’t mean what he initially said or 2) him just being afraid to hurt me and being a coward so he would rather prolong things even if he doesn’t see future at all and that’s why he said what he initially said?

 

In case you’re wondering, I’ve met his bestfriend before, he lives in the same city and nearby. I haven’t met his family as they live at least 2 hrs away and it’s pandemic. He usually just stays home too. Has he met any indication that he wants to introduce me to his family? No. We actually don’t make future plans as when we started dating last year, it was few months before the whole covid lockdown started. He’s working from him since February due to it. We also came from totally different cultural background and I’ve heard that this is normal for some cultures. In mine, we introduce families immediately. Also, he’s 37, I’m 29. He also came from a broken family. His parents were divorced. His mom was divorced twice also. His brother was also divorced but married again. So I’m not even sure if he has commitment issues too. By far, he’s a great guy. He’s the nicest person I’ve ever met (unless it’s a facade). He puts me first whenever we are together (this. He does some things that I’ve only experienced getting from my mom). He tries his best to respond quick when we are apart. By far, he has never ignored my attempts of communication even when there’s conflict. He usually initiated conversations. He’s supportive with this I do, but then again I had an ex that was pretending to be supportive as well, Again, anyone can fake their intentions especially when they are getting sex... I’ve heard so many stories similar to this that the guy seemed so great but in reality he was just using the girl. So at this point I’m not sure whether to relax that we have not officially broken up and work on my own issues or run asap. If I have to relax, what are your advices? This is my 4th relationship. I broke up with the first 2. I was the dumped one with my 3rd. Im not very experienced with men so im scared. I thought this relationship had potential and very different from the past 3 until that “not ready” part. The older I get, the more I get anxious with everything as I want to avoid repeating the same mistakes. I don’t want to continue to fall for someone who has ulterior motives.
 

also, I’ve read a book about adult attachment styles and he falls on the secure category(if his actions were genuine) and me on the avoidant-anxious category. I know I have issues within me, but I’m willing to work on myself. I know you’re gonna bring up that his father just died too and it’s not easy to lose a parent(his father was in their home country. They’re not together for 20 years since his parents divorced). I know I wasn’t supposed to expect things from him at this time but I acted out of anger/something that triggered me and I should have not. I truly apologize for this. I know not all of you are dating experts or psychologist and I’ll accept different perspective as long as detailed information is provided. He tried to reach out as normal after that phone call explained above, but I told him that I’ll be fine and he takes this time for himself for now as he really need it. I went on a small vacation this Christmas in another state to relax a bit...

 

Sorry for my English. I’m not a native-speaker of English language. If you’re confused with some parts, let me know. If you need more information, please let me know. 

 

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

At the end of the day, all you can do is believe him when he says he doesn't want a serious relationship. The reasons why (his father's passing, his attachment style, et cetera) aren't all that important as they don't change the bottom line here. He is still making it clear that this isn't what he wants, and your goals for this aren't the same as his. 

It appears you were correct in assuming you're not a high priority in his life at this point. He's got other things going on that he puts ahead of you, which exactly reflects his assertion that he doesn't want something serious. He is correct not to string you along and make you believe this is more serious than it actually is, and to opt out if he felt you were more invested than he is. His previous behaviour indicates that yes, he enjoyed your company - but now he is telling you that it's not going to go further. 

I'm not sure where you're getting this notion - "he actually love me and genuinely wants to continue dating me and didn’t mean what he initially said" - but that's not the case. It completely contradicts what he's telling you, so it's best not to do mental gymnastics to convince yourself he meant something completely different. 

Your best bet, although it will be painful, is to let him go. You've been seeing each other long enough to have moved things forward by now. Now that this issue has come up, he's told you it's not going to move forward. Don't wait around. It will hurt you too much to date him casually, only for him to continue slowly fading out of your life. 

[Mn21]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

At the end of the day, all you can do is believe him when he says he doesn't want a serious relationship. The reasons why (his father's passing, his attachment style, et cetera) aren't all that important as they don't change the bottom line here. He is still making it clear that this isn't what he wants, and your goals for this aren't the same as his. 

It appears you were correct in assuming you're not a high priority in his life at this point. He's got other things going on that he puts ahead of you, which exactly reflects his assertion that he doesn't want something serious. He is correct not to string you along and make you believe this is more serious than it actually is, and to opt out if he felt you were more invested than he is. His previous behaviour indicates that yes, he enjoyed your company - but now he is telling you that it's not going to go further. 

I'm not sure where you're getting this notion - "he actually love me and genuinely wants to continue dating me and didn’t mean what he initially said" - but that's not the case. It completely contradicts what he's telling you, so it's best not to do mental gymnastics to convince yourself he meant something completely different. 

Your best bet, although it will be painful, is to let him go. You've been seeing each other long enough to have moved things forward by now. Now that this issue has come up, he's told you it's not going to move forward. Don't wait around. It will hurt you too much to date him casually, only for him to continue slowly fading out of your life. 

But how come he never said this before only until I got mad? Things were going great. We weren’t always seeing each other in person due to lockdown restriction. I live 30 minutes away. But he lives in NYC and I live in a town in NJ.   I wasn’t even the one intimating things. I would have not dated him in the first place if he’s not looking for a relationship. He knew from the start that I don’t date just to date. Why would he agree not to ruin things just because of what’s he’s dealing with? Out of spite?

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Mn21 said:

 He tried to reach out as normal after that phone call explained above, but I told him that I’ll be fine and he takes this time for himself for now as he really need it. I went on a small vacation this Christmas in another state to relax a bit..

This is an excellent way to handle things.

His father just died, it's the holidays and it's been a tough year in general for everyone.

Give him the space he needs to grieve and process things. Try to use more empathy in this situation.

That will help you put things in perspective rather than spinning out of control with insecurities.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Mn21 said:

But how come he never said this before only until I got mad? Things were going great. We weren’t always seeing each other in person due to lockdown restriction. I live 30 minutes away. But he lives in NYC and I live in a town in NJ.   I wasn’t even the one intimating things. I would have not dated him in the first place if he’s not looking for a relationship. He knew from the start that I don’t date just to date. Why would he agree not to ruin things just because of what’s he’s dealing with? Out of spite?

Because there was no reason to. He might have thought you were fine with this more casual pace, until he realized you weren't. You said things were going great so clearly you never raised the issue before either. Only when you started to wonder if you were priority did he finally have to have that talk with you. It wasn't the answer you were hoping to hear, I realize, but it needed to be addressed. 

People can change their minds, too. Sometimes we realize over the course of a few months that the other person is actually not the right match for us.  Perhaps there were some things along the the way that made him hesitate about taking things further with you. You can't assume that just because someone seems keen at the beginning that things can't change over time. Relationships change as people get to know each other, and sometimes that means realizing that we're not that compatible. Maybe this is the case for him. You might never really know if he doesn't want a serious relationship now in general, or if it's actually that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. In the end, it doesn't change the outcome for you. 

I don't think he's trying to spite you. I think he's being honest that he doesn't see this as a long-term relationship. You can either choose to accept that, or continue to rationalize away his own words and trick yourself into hanging on. 

[elaine567]

Sounds like he has told you he is not looking for anything serious and he wants a break.
You have decided that isn't true and are doing your best to convince him to stay because all is good according to you.
You are projecting how you feel about the relationship onto him. You think all is great, he likely doesn't think that.
If he thought like that, he would not be telling you he is not looking for anything serious and suggesting a break.
Thing is he may, and I emphasise the may, be very happy sticking around with no pressure, casual, no restrictions - the regular sex and companionship may suit him.  
BUT if you are looking for more, a proper relationship, a relationship with a future, a relationship leading to marriage and kids and a life together, then he is not your man.
Too many women believe they can convince a luke-warm guy to want the same things she does.
It doesn't work.
Life is no Hollywood Rom-com.
At 29, you can not afford to waste your time with no hopers.  

[Mn21]

39 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because there was no reason to. He might have thought you were fine with this more casual pace, until he realized you weren't. You said things were going great so clearly you never raised the issue before either. Only when you started to wonder if you were priority did he finally have to have that talk with you. It wasn't the answer you were hoping to hear, I realize, but it needed to be addressed. 

People can change their minds, too. Sometimes we realize over the course of a few months that the other person is actually not the right match for us.  Perhaps there were some things along the the way that made him hesitate about taking things further with you. You can't assume that just because someone seems keen at the beginning that things can't change over time. Relationships change as people get to know each other, and sometimes that means realizing that we're not that compatible. Maybe this is the case for him. You might never really know if he doesn't want a serious relationship now in general, or if it's actually that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. In the end, it doesn't change the outcome for you. 

I don't think he's trying to spite you. I think he's being honest that he doesn't see this as a long-term relationship. You can either choose to accept that, or continue to rationalize away his own words and trick yourself into hanging on. 

Why am I asking this? Coz I’ve been in casual relationships before and this isn’t even casual until this christmas 2020 question happened. He initiates contacts until now. He lets me know what his plans are, etc. We don’t talk about trivial things. We talk about everything great and small. We even talk about each other’s families and we even started a business during the pandemic(which i kinda don’t want to continue now because of this. I just wanna sell everything.) I never acted casual either towards him and same as he. I don’t think people in casual relationships exert too much effort just to be in it casually. Why would he want to continue dating after all this anyway? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I wanted to ghost him...and just fade away myself. 

What are the boundaries of casual relationships?

[Mn21]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm not sure where you're getting this notion - "he actually love me and genuinely wants to continue dating me and didn’t mean what he initially said" - but that's not the case. It completely contradicts what he's telling you, so it's best not to do mental gymnastics to convince yourself he meant something completely different.

I explicitly said that things are great. He initiates most of the time. He treats me good. He is there to support me in any way he can. He says he loves me, etc. I myself know a lot of people, me included, that would say something similar about not being serious just to avoid pressure.Thats what happened with my 2nd relationship and it messed up everything. It left my ex confused, he rebounded and blamed me and till this day he still reaches out. I was confused myself that time...but part of that decision is because of my terrible experience with the guy before him.  At this point I don’t know how to function...

[Miss Spider]

This situation goes on a lot... actually in another active thread.. 

It’s a big red flag if someone is acting like your bf/SO, but goes out of their way to disown the title.. 

Sometimes they do not claim the title intentionally so that they can keep you on their string and can feel free to be as affectionate and ‘coupley ’  as they want to be. But then if they bounce, believing full well that they will probably want to,  they think they can alleviate some guilt by rationalizing “it wasn’t serious” or “but we weren’t together...” 

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mn21 said:

Why would he want to continue dating after all this anyway? 

What are the boundaries of casual relationships?

Respectively:

1) Company, sex, affection. 

2) You need to ask him that question, as everyone's ideas about "casual" are different. But for me, casual implies very low expectations of things couples normally do (spend holidays/birthdays together, lean on each other in tough times, daily communication) You probably won't meet each other's families, or mix much with each other's friends. You will have dates once in a while, but likely more low-key things and without necessarily planning the next date while on the current on. Causal to me also suggests you're both free to meet and date other people. You need to be very clear on that point if you decide to continue seeing him - if you don't want to share (which is entirely your prerogative) you need to ask him to be honest if he starts talking to or sleeping with other women. 

In short, in my experience, casual dating generally means that you two are going to have fun while it lasts, but you're not working toward a future together. 

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Mn21 said:

He says he loves me, etc.

There is loving someone because they are a good friend, family or an all around good person.  Then there is being "in love" with someone which means you want a future with them and can' t imagine your life without them.  This usually leads to marriage.

I think your friend was quite clear what he doesn't want (a relationship).  It sounds like he is your FWB that you confused with a boyfriend.  That is why he made it clear he does not want a relationship with all the responsibilities to another person that one requires.   He still wants to hang out when available,  have fun and have sex  because these are things  he needs but he doesn't want to be nagged for his time when he's busy doing something else the way a girlfriend or wife would do.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Mn21 said:

he doesn’t know how long I see this relationship but he’s not looking for anything serious

He didn't mention casual, he just said that basically he does not see any future in the relationship.
If you were in it for the potential long haul, he is telling you that he isn't.
Maybe he never was, maybe he gradually realised, maybe he had a sudden change of heart.
Who knows?

[Saracena]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is an excellent way to handle things.

His father just died, it's the holidays and it's been a tough year in general for everyone.

Give him the space he needs to grieve and process things. Try to use more empathy in this situation.

That will help you put things in perspective rather than spinning out of control with insecurities.

 

Exactly. I've not read the other replies yet but it sounds to me by being mad, making demands, etc (cos that's how he would see it)  you were fast becoming an additional source of stress/pressure for him on top of everything else he's dealing with right now, which in turn made him want to retreat even more.

Whatever way this pans out in the end,  doing the above is you very best bet! Leave him well alone for now. Don't contact him again for any reason and certainly not with any more questions about where you stand. No way. Making any more demands right now will basically only backfire on you bigtime.

[introverted1]

Your bf has suffered the loss of his father as well as a major family argument and has not turned to you for support in either case. Further, your assumption that you would see each other at the holidays was not mirrored by him.  Given that you have been dating for over a year, I think these behaviors are completely consistent with his assertion that he is not looking for anything serious.

I agree that you should not push him any more at this point, but I am also of the opinion that you should probably understand that he meant what he said. He could, in his own way, "love" you, but it does not seem that he is building a future with you.  If you are looking for a life partner, I don't think he's it.

[Acacia98]

OP I agree with the general consensus. You've said a lot about the affection you've shared, and it sounds good. But the one thing you haven't said is that you and he had a conversation about defining your relationship and agreed you were both in it for the long haul. If you haven't had that conversation, don't assume you want the same thing. Because there are men (and women) who are quite capable of being loving and affectionate even when they don't want to spend the rest of their lives with you.

But, having said that, this isn't the time to be having a conversation about the state of your relationship. I mean his father just died and there's strife in the family. I understand that you're feeling vulnerable and are unsure whether you can trust him. That's normal. If you have to be cautious and careful in your dealings with him, that's okay. But don't push for the conversation now. Try one or two months in the future (if you have the capacity to wait). And don't be too optimistic. The fact that he doesn't open up to you about major stuff and "forgets" about it is not a good sign.

[Mn21]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Your bf has suffered the loss of his father as well as a major family argument and has not turned to you for support in either case. Further, your assumption that you would see each other at the holidays was not mirrored by him.  Given that you have been dating for over a year, I think these behaviors are completely consistent with his assertion that he is not looking for anything serious.

I agree that you should not push him any more at this point, but I am also of the opinion that you should probably understand that he meant what he said. He could, in his own way, "love" you, but it does not seem that he is building a future with you.  If you are looking for a life partner, I don't think he's it.

He did turn to me at first before the family argument. I was with him 2 weeks ago for a couple of days. When I was there i asked him how’s he feeling. He said he’s mixed emotions and couldn’t sleep for the first few days and didn’t return to work. He was always the one who seemed more attached to me than I did. He seemed in love even before I even let my guard down as I was observing him for months. But when his father died, when I was with him, I noticed that he tends to stare blankly somewhere else. I remember that time, my last day, he seemed so agitated. I asked him why coz he was texting someone on the phone while I was massaging his head. Though I see the screen, I really don’t understand the language but I knew it’s his brother. He told me that it’s his brother and he’s asking something (I’m not gonna elaborate here but it has something to do with financing and he mentioned that his brother doesn’t understand that things take plans and considerations etc.) from him and basically annoying him the whole day. He even said he doesn’t even want him to come anymore (his brother confirmed he’s coming days before). He was really agitated that time so I left earlier than planned as I didn’t want to be an added stress. So in the phone call, it turned out that things got worse when his brother arrived and that’s the reason why more family problems arose.
 

When it comes to our relationship, it had momentum until his father died, well until his father started becoming ill(5 weeks ago) till his passing, he has stopped his other plans too. He was dedicated at finishing this project for months and now it’s going nowhere as he completely dropped everything 5 weeks ago. If we didn’t have momentum, I honestly wouldn’t have let my guard down...he was being more open about talking about his mom and me might get along as well as him being introduced to my brother...and that’s why I don’t think he wasn’t seeing any future right before this...

[Saracena]

3 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

 I mean his father just died and there's strife in the family. I understand that you're feeling vulnerable and are unsure whether you can trust him. That's normal. If you have to be cautious and careful in your dealings with him, that's okay, But, having said that, this isn't the time to be having a conversation about the state of your relationship. But don't push for the conversation now. Try one or two months in the future (if you have the capacity to wait). And don't be too optimistic. The fact that he doesn't open up to you about major stuff and "forgets" about it is not a good sign.

 Agree. In the intervening time I'd work on yourself OP.  I've quickly read over your first post and  you come across as hard work,  to be honest.  A bit self-absorbed, far too intense, demanding and lacking in consideration/empathy for others and what they might be going through! It appears to be more all about you and your needs  as opposed to than them and what they might be experiencing! I say this because this isn't the type of person I would be inclined to veer towards in times of strife etc Perhaps your boyfriend realises this and it is one reason he's having second thoughts, if he hadn't been having them already.

[introverted1]

OP, so far you have argued with everyone who has suggested that your bf is not all in.  If you are so confident that he is, then why did you make this thread?

From my perspective, people don't just whimsically say they are not looking for anything serious when they actually are.  Perhaps all the upheaval with his family has made him reconsider his priorities. The fact that he did not share your expectation that you would see each other over the holidays is pretty telling, imo.  You may be a person he enjoys spending time with when life is calm, but it seems that once life becomes turbulent, your bf turns away from rather than towards you.

[Mn21]

1 minute ago, Saracena said:

 Agree. In the intervening time I'd work on yourself OP.  I've quickly read over your first post and  you come across as hard work,  to be honest.  A bit self-absorbed, far too intense, demanding and lacking in consideration/empathy for others and what they might be going through! It appears to be more all about you and your needs  as opposed to than them and what they might be experiencing! I say this because this isn't the type of person I would be inclined to veer towards in times of strife etc Perhaps your boyfriend realises this and it is one reason he's having second thoughts, if he hadn't been having them already.

Yes, I agree, and though I know I need to work on myself, this is very hard for me because I tend think about myself being abandoned– in anything and it’s getting worse the more it happens. Right now, I decided to be away as I don’t want to add more stress to him as I only think of myself when I get anxious. Right now he sends me videos of himself at the park.  Just keeping things light at the moment. I also need to fix a lot of things with myself as things have gone awry since this covid started- lost job, gained weight, gone annoying/low self-esteem...but while I’m giving him space, I have to return to what I was. I’ll start working again next week and already joined a gym again. He actually never seen me before having self-esteem issues...maybe because I got my s*** together before and now I’ve messed it up especially days ago because of the whole unemployment thing getting crazier (yes, I’m not great under pressure and he usually sees me as someone always happy and knows how to have fun. He usually asks me for my opinion whenever he does something). At this point, I’ll just get my s*** together again and focus on myself. It’s good to know that he’s communicating...I also encouraged him to go with his bestfriend and have time for himself(I knew his routine already and his work is stressful on it’s own). Honestly, if we started dating during this pandemic, and if I was him, I wouldn’t date me coz I’m mess. Thank you.

[smackie9]

With all that has happened, loss of father, pandemic, the lack of fulfillment of expectations on both ends, and everyone's attitude gone awry, he's has had enough of the situation. It's not working for him anymore, he is tired, and it's taking a toll on him.

Let him go, take a break. If he comes back great, if not, it wasn't meant to be and that there wasn't enough to sustain this for the long term.

[Mn21]

43 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

OP, so far you have argued with everyone who has suggested that your bf is not all in.  If you are so confident that he is, then why did you make this thread?

From my perspective, people don't just whimsically say they are not looking for anything serious when they actually are.  Perhaps all the upheaval with his family has made him reconsider his priorities. The fact that he did not share your expectation that you would see each other over the holidays is pretty telling, imo.  You may be a person he enjoys spending time with when life is calm, but it seems that once life becomes turbulent, your bf turns away from rather than towards you.

I made this thread because I asked specifically how not to make things worse as we agreed that we had miscommunication. Me confident? No, if I was, I wouldn’t made this thread and wouldn’t even have second guessing. I have argued as some answers weren’t taking other things mentioned into consideration–that my coach considered. I also mentioned that we spent days together before this(I live in a different state 30 minutes away+ a pandemic...and if you know that I need to go thru underwater tunnels before I end up in NYC just to see him at this time is not the best thing as I usually quarantine at home) and that’s why I will argue that he does turn to me when things get bad too. I offered sympathy and gave him space when his father died. I didn’t bother him. He insisted me to travel to him and spend days with him. I said things happened ubruptly: these things happened within days. The Christmas thing was never planned in the first place but I simply assumed because of the cancellation of the trip, as again, he was supposed to travel but simply cancelled– I explained this part also but it’s dismissed by some. I don’t know if I’m explaining myself correctly as I am not a native speAker of English. I understand all the responses but somehow, it seems I was the one misunderstood and I’m simply clearing things up.

 

 This, this is the reason why I need different perspective and why I posted here as other people in the program including coaches say totally different things too. I know the program works as I did that in the past (just to confirm if it actually works without even wanting to be in any relationship again that time) but I get more information from new perspectives as this helps me not only in the present but also in the future. Plus, it’s a totally different scenario...

 

 I work with a coach and I’m here to get different perspective as originally mentioned. The program usually centers on focusing on yourself and not relationship when something bad happens. I needed to know perspectives from other people– especially those who are not experiencing emotional distress(members of the program are usually in the same situation and usually emotional and obviously I’m not gonna get new perspectives especially if they simply follow the same thing advised to them). You and I don’t have to go thru a mistake that someone else already did in order to learn. I learn best from others’ experiences. 

 

I have mentioned that things were back to normal after we talked about it on the phone. I also specifically mentioned that different perspective are welcomed as long as they have provided information. These answers actually HELP me as a whole, you may not see that on your perspective–which is understandable, but they do help me. 

 

[Mn21]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

With all that has happened, loss of father, pandemic, the lack of fulfillment of expectations on both ends, and everyone's attitude gone awry, he's has had enough of the situation. It's not working for him anymore, he is tired, and it's taking a toll on him.

Let him go, take a break. If he comes back great, if not, it wasn't meant to be and that there wasn't enough to sustain this for the long term.

Are you suggesting no contact? He’s the one initiating conversations. He still communicate since it started as if nothing happened and sent me a video himself at the park an hour ago. If not, do I simply let him start the communications for the next few weeks and I simply reply? I am taking a break myself to focus on myself but we are not broken up. I’m simply giving him space to let loose...Some said to do “no contact” only if you’ve officially broken up...what would you suggest in this case and why? Thanks

[smackie9]

That's good. It makes you think, and sort through it. We all know the best results come from your efforts in whatever actions you choose. This is no one right way to do things. Best of luck.

Do whatever works for YOU.

Edited December 28, 2020 by smackie9

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, Mn21 said:

I am taking a break myself to focus on myself but we are not broken up.

You are not a couple. That is what he was letting you know.  You two are basically FWBs at this point.  It's up to you if you want to continue this way.  He is not your boyfriend.

[Mn21]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

You are not a couple. That is what he was letting you know.  You two are basically FWBs at this point.  It's up to you if you want to continue this way.  He is not your boyfriend.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. We didn’t breakup if you actually read everything. We are a couple as we have discussed this in the early stages and I am also introduced as a gf too to friends/acquittances.