Zona Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 5 minutes ago, DKT3 said: Lets be honest, women often have sex with hot guys they know they have no future with. True. The thing is, the kind of guys that women prefer to hook up with are not the kind of guys that will be interested in an LTR. The hot sexy guys are having way too much fun, and have way too many options so they won't commit to anyone long term, and if they ever do, it will be with a woman who is similarly hot and sexy.
DKT3 Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Zona said: True. The thing is, the kind of guys that women prefer to hook up with are not the kind of guys that will be interested in an LTR. The hot sexy guys are having way too much fun, and have way too many options so they won't commit to anyone long term, and if they ever do, it will be with a woman who is similarly hot and sexy. When they use sex as the main lure. If they see the guy as a possible LTR then by taking it slow they will have a larger sample size. Those guys can sometimes be relationship ready, but not likely interested in a girl who jumps right in bed with him. With more options he would likely not take the time to get to know her having so easily got her in bed. Just lump her with the other hook-ups. 1
MissPinkEyes Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 10 hours ago, DKT3 said: Haha, they do it all the time. But thats not what I'm saying. I'm saying there is no need to not have casual hookups while looking for the right guy. Once they have met a man they feel has a shot at being the right guy then they shouldn't continue with casual hookups. Nor should they jump right into bed with the possible LTR. Its unlikely that a healthy balanced relationship will grow from a sexual perspective. Toxic is very likely. I don't see how a person can be in a healthy state of mind to find and develop a LTR with the right guy whilst doing hook-ups with casual guys. As you said, "Its unlikely that a healthy balanced relationship will grow from a sexual perspective. Toxic is very likely.". So get rid of the toxic stuff before you open the space for a healthy one. Both cannot occupy the same space at the same time because they are not the same energy. 2
elaine567 Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 I think in order to find a good relationship one needs to focus, and I think if one's mind is on other things like hooking up, the focus gets lost. I think for someone who can compartmentalise well and remain uninvolved, then having many irons in the fire is not much of a problem, but for many women who tend to get wrapped up emotionally, then sorting out all "the feelings" generated may be a hindrance to finding a one true love. 3
MissPinkEyes Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: I think in order to find a good relationship one needs to focus, and I think if one's mind is on other things like hooking up, the focus gets lost. I think for someone who can compartmentalise well and remain uninvolved, then having many irons in the fire is not much of a problem, but for many women who tend to get wrapped up emotionally, then sorting out all "the feelings" generated may be a hindrance to finding a one true love. I might be wrong, but to me the only person capable of doing hook-ups without feeling much and remain uninvolved, is someone who is emotionally unavailable. Edited December 29, 2020 by MissPinkEyes 3
Blind-Sided Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 (edited) On 12/27/2020 at 5:00 PM, girlnextdoor2020 said: - If you want a serious relationship and meet "the one" you cannot have Casual Sex. On 12/27/2020 at 5:47 PM, ShyViolet said: I agree with you, the above is a dumb rule. I don't think it's that dumb. It is very situational... and it is dependent on the person. At it's core... there is some good in that advice. OK... here's the deal. On this board, there are a few people who are always posting that they found someone they like, but then a few weeks later, it falls apart. Then... in a following thread, the truth will come out that they didn't really put in any effort into the person they wanted to date seriously because they had multiple FWB. It was easier to just go get laid, over putting in the effort. Also... hooking up with people who you know you don't want a relationship with dilutes who you are. It's like eating empty calories. My point here is... to go on a date to simply "Hook-up" is a waste of your dating energy, and having a FWB situation pulls you away from finding "The One". With that said... if you are actively dating... and you have sex with someone who you would like to continue dating... but it eventually doesn't work out... that's a different point all together. So... OP... you can have sex. You don't have to go without until you find "the one". But it's easier to find "The One" when you aren't putting your efforts into a FWB or ONS. And finally... you are an adult... do what feels right, and forget the coach. Their methods may not work for you. Edited December 29, 2020 by Blind-Sided 4
Watercolors Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 On 12/27/2020 at 5:18 PM, girlnextdoor2020 said: It was a woman. She believes in the Law of Attraction and says that Casual Sex and a spiritual loving relationship are mutually exclusive and of completely different energies. So if you want to manifest your soulmate (one type of energy), you cannot engage in things that have a completely different energy (Casual Sex). Because then you will be sending conflicting signals to the Universe. But my view is that they are not conflicting or mutually exclusive. You can have Casual Sex as a way of loving yourself by honouring your desires and that does not conflict with manifesting a loving partner, because having a loving partner is also a way of loving yourself by honouring your desires. I guess that also explains why sometimes happens that some people meet their loving partner through a casual experience. It's like, life is a balance, not black and white like she is trying to make believe. You hired a stranger for her opinion. She can’t snap her fingers and *poof* you have a boyfriend in a committed relationship with you. That’s now how this works. It’s like going to see a therapist. You hire them for their opinion, and hope that they can help you. There are no guarantees in life. Not even with coaches or therapists. Just because she has a certification “dating coach” doesn’t mean that she knows YOU like you know yourself. I think that your problem is you are undermining yourself. You don’t need a dating coach to stop doing that. You need to recognize that you are undermining yourself with your dating efforts, and you need to stop doing that to yourself. Simple. Do you believe in the Law of Attraction? No, you don’t. So, automatically your dating coach can’t help you. Since you two don’t believe in or value the same things when it comes to romance and relationships. This is why I view online dating and dating coaches as all marketing and money making schemes. Look, at the end of the day, it’s up to random chance that you’ll meet a man you can be in a loving, committed relationship with. If it happens, great. If it doesn’t happen, life goes on. Stop throwing away your money on silly dating coaches. You tried and learned the hard way, that hiring her was a total waste of your money and your time. 1
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 My question is, why do you think you need a dating coach?
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) Dating coaches pretty much teach you how to get dates, learn conversation, improve appearance, etc. The reason why they don't work for her is because a dating coach is not her answer. She needs a relationship therapist or a life coach. Edited December 30, 2020 by smackie9 1
SumGuy Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 On 12/27/2020 at 5:00 PM, girlnextdoor2020 said: It seems there are a lot of dating coaches nowadays (especially focused on spiritual relationships), and I decided to give it a try with one coach that is super well known but it just made me feel worse! A few things they said: - If you haven't yet manifested your true match, it's because you have blockages or limiting beliefs around it (like you feel undeserving of love or don't believe the guy exist, etc). What if I have no blockages and this is simply not yet the right time to meet him, because at the moment I need to be single to have certain life experiences? - If you want a serious relationship and meet "the one" you cannot have Casual Sex. So that means I have to ignore my sexual urges and not engage in any sexual activity with anyone even if I want to, because that conflicts with finding "the one"? What if I only find "the one" in 5 years time? Will I have to be sexless for 5 years, even if I want to explore my sexuality with someone? Just ignore my sexual urges and shove it down the carpet? And isn't that that totally disempowering? To give my sexual desires away for someone I haven't met yet? Also, I do not postpone other things such as going out with friends or myself, going on holidays, eat at a restaurant, go to the cinema, etc. Should I not do any of that either until I meet "the one"? Makes no sense. There are more, but these two just make me cringe. What do you think about it? I think you are right, just horrible BS advice...you'd get better advice from a fortune cookie. The first one sounds like priming you for a cult, the second is just the whole Madonna-whore complex thing...sure there are guys who won't "respect" you and want a relationship if you sleep with them soon...whatever soon means. So what? You don't want a relationship with those idiots anyway. Good dating advice in my view is about filtering for the kind of men you want and finding out how to attract them. As different women want different kinds of men there is no cookie cutter approach. I guess if you want a man who believes women who have sex soon are not relationship material then sure it is good advice, other wise it's bogus. I find most on-line dating coaches sites I have seen are geared to finding women an insecure, uptight, "traditional" man, some caricature from the 1950s, or Sex and the City or Men are from Mars and Women from Venus, or The Rules, or some such nonsense. In my experience the very men on-line dating coaches seem to be steering women towards are ones the women I have met really want to avoid.
SumGuy Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 On 12/27/2020 at 6:18 PM, girlnextdoor2020 said: It was a woman. She believes in the Law of Attraction and says that Casual Sex and a spiritual loving relationship are mutually exclusive and of completely different energies. So if you want to manifest your soulmate (one type of energy), you cannot engage in things that have a completely different energy (Casual Sex). Because then you will be sending conflicting signals to the Universe. But my view is that they are not conflicting or mutually exclusive. You can have Casual Sex as a way of loving yourself by honouring your desires and that does not conflict with manifesting a loving partner, because having a loving partner is also a way of loving yourself by honouring your desires. I guess that also explains why sometimes happens that some people meet their loving partner through a casual experience. It's like, life is a balance, not black and white like she is trying to make believe. I agree with you, but nuance doesn't sell or makes too much work for a dating coach and requires they have some skill. What sells to most people is simple black and white answers that don't require any real work, like just thinking the right thoughts will manifest things....sure, what first world thinking.
Lisa Posted December 31, 2020 Senior Moderators Posted December 31, 2020 This thread is being reopened after extensive clean up I would like to take this opportunity to remind posters of our TOS, particularly the bolded Community participation and inclusion We remind all participants of the value of collaborative exchange. Discussions occurring on the public forum are to be inclusive of all participants and should not be of a private nature between a small, select group of people. Questions, comments or other exchanges directed to any particular individual outside of the context of on-topic threads should be made privately and do not belong on the public community forums. As a show of respect to the OP, I would ask that all contributors consider whether or not their conversations are inclusive of the OP before posting.
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Why not go to a meeting agency instead? I think that's the route I will take when I'm ready to date again. People there are screened.
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