Worked with a dating coach and it made things worse

[girlnextdoor2020]

2 hours ago, Zona said:

No, it's because then you will be sending conflicting signals to potential mates, not the "universe". I think your dating coach was just trying to say it in a way that wouldn't offend you.

Think of it from a guy's perspective. It makes no sense to a guy's brain if you say you want commitment on the one hand while you are doing lots of hook-ups on the other hand. That's begging the question of how will you ever be satisfied with just one man and be a loyal and faithful wife or LT girlfriend? 

Besides, when a good and decent guy who has exercised self control himself is looking for a wife, he is going to want to find a virtuous woman. The kind of men that aren't looking for virtuous women will be the guys wanting to do hookups, but they are generally not looking for a committed relationship. Can you see the conflict here that she is referring to?

She is right IMO, but she did a crappy job of explaining it.

Well when I mentioned Casual Sex that doesn't mean sleep around with lots of different men. It can be for example having a Casual Sex experience in 6 months time with one man. 

She wasn't referring to the guys and who will they think about the woman having Casual Sex, because that is none of their business. She was referring the Universe meaning if you accept Casual Sex (which is limited in many ways), you are sending a signal to the Universe that you do not need more than that. 

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

. She was referring the Universe meaning if you accept Casual Sex (which is limited in many ways), you are sending a signal to the Universe that you do not need more than that. 

Not only to the Universe, but to yourself and to the guys you date too.

[Pumaza]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

A lot of this boils down to knowing your own worth. 

If you are all about casual sex fine, have casual sex but by definition that is not monogamous exclusive sex.  Making an empowered decision about having early sex because lots of other factors are telling you this person has great long term potential is different animal.  Learn to tell the difference.  

👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

[Zona]

4 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

She wasn't referring to the guys and who will they think about the woman having Casual Sex, because that is none of their business. 

If you want to have a long term relationship with someone, then it obviously is their business what kind of person you are, your body count, what kind of moral compass you have, your views on religion, and your views on sex and commitment. It's all on the table at that point. It's their business if they want it to be, and by the same token, you can walk away if you are bothered because they care about those things. 

You seem to be trying to compartmentalize those things, when in fact, they are all tied together. Sending confusing and mixed signals won't help you find your soulmate, if such a thing exists.

Edited December 28, 2020 by Zona

[Gaeta]

She sounds like a Charlatan to me, I wonder if she gives the same advise to men. I'm not gonna ask how much that cost because the answer scares me. Find another coach and leave 'spirituality' out of it. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

5 hours ago, Zona said:

If you want to have a long term relationship with someone, then it obviously is their business what kind of person you are, your body count, what kind of moral compass you have, your views on religion, and your views on sex and commitment. It's all on the table at that point. It's their business if they want it to be, and by the same token, you can walk away if you are bothered because they care about those things. 

You seem to be trying to compartmentalize those things, when in fact, they are all tied together. Sending confusing and mixed signals won't help you find your soulmate, if such a thing exists.

Body count?? 🙄

I'm sorry but I view things differently than you. If I do Casual Sex or not, how many men I slept with, is NONE of their business. And if they ask me these questions, it is a huge red flag to me and they would be kick off so fast they wouldn't see it coming. It is none of their business. My body, my rules. 

Values, life goals, how I am and the guy is in a relationship, etc, that's what really matters to me.

Edited December 28, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[girlnextdoor2020]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

She sounds like a Charlatan to me, I wonder if she gives the same advise to men. I'm not gonna ask how much that cost because the answer scares me. Find another coach and leave 'spirituality' out of it. 

I didn't pay her much. I've had only 2 coaching sessions with her (one free), and was watching her videos and her social media posts to see how she is and thinks before deciding if I should embark in her full (yes expensive) programme.

Another thing she says is that she will help you remove your blockages so fast that you will manifest your soulmate within hours or days! What!? 

Edited December 28, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Another thing she says is that she will help you remove your blockages so fast that you will manifest your soulmate within hours or days! What!? 

If she has that power then she should have offices the size of hospitals all over the world. 

[Ruby Slippers]

10 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Why do you say Casual Sex is lower level pleasure?

There are a number of philosophical constructs to illustrate that there are lower-level desires and drives that originate in the groin and stomach. These are the drives that all animals have - the drive to have sex, the drive to eat and survive, etc., essentially self-centered drives. As you move up the body to the heart and mind, human beings are unique in that we can choose to shift our focus from serving ourselves to serving others - through the heart with love, compassion, generosity, through the mind with intuition, inspiration, emotional and soul connection. 

Those who place the majority of their focus and energy at the lower level don't tend to ascend to the higher level. Even most long-term bachelors will eventually have to admit to themselves that satisfying lower-level desires with an endless string of hookups becomes unfulfilling, empty. They long for something more - the higher-level experiences of love, connection, generosity, giving toward a higher good.

[girlnextdoor2020]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

There are a number of philosophical constructs to illustrate that there are lower-level desires and drives that originate in the groin and stomach. These are the drives that all animals have - the drive to have sex, the drive to eat and survive, etc., essentially self-centered drives. As you move up the body to the heart and mind, human beings are unique in that we can choose to shift our focus from serving ourselves to serving others - through the heart with love, compassion, generosity, through the mind with intuition, inspiration, emotional and soul connection. 

Those who place the majority of their focus and energy at the lower level don't tend to ascend to the higher level. Even most long-term bachelors will eventually have to admit to themselves that satisfying lower-level desires with an endless string of hookups becomes unfulfilling, empty. They long for something more - the higher-level experiences of love, connection, generosity, giving toward a higher good.

That is beautiful and I agree with it. Casual Sex per se is indeed empty. Because it is a lower level connection. There's no heart and soul in it. But you still have sexual desire and "lower level" sexual desire in a heart connection, right? How do you see that?

[girlnextdoor2020]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

If she has that power then she should have offices the size of hospitals all over the world. 

lol exactly!

[Miss Spider]

I personally know people who met their long term partners/spouses after ONS. It’s definitely an exception and not the rule though. And def don’t do it if it is against your beliefs

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[smackie9]

I can't believe this conversation lol. Stick with what you know, ...date, have sex, somewhere along the line, you will meet someone when you least expect it...you don't find love it finds you. Now get out there, have sex, meet people enjoy life. It's not that complicated.

[Ruby Slippers]

16 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

That is beautiful and I agree with it. Casual Sex per se is indeed empty. Because it is a lower level connection. There's no heart and soul in it. But you still have sexual desire and "lower level" sexual desire in a heart connection, right? How do you see that?

I don't move forward with sex until I feel attracted to him on every level - sexual, animal, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Spiritual is the most ethereal, of course. I believe the soul lives forever in some form. So I ask myself if I would want my soul to be with this soul beyond this plane, into the infinite. If not, I have no interest. If so, then game on.

In my last two relationships, even with their flaws, I achieved a state of true spiritual connection, as close to true love as I've been able to get in this world. Those relationships had their flaws and ultimately I chose to move on from them. But both men told me they'd never been so in love, both told me it was the best sex of their lives and they couldn't get enough, and both are still occasionally in touch trying to get back together. 

That true spiritual bond, true love or at least the striving for it, is a game changer. Nothing comes close. I can't ever go back to anything less.

[MissPinkEyes]

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't move forward with sex until I feel attracted to him on every level - sexual, animal, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Spiritual is the most ethereal, of course. I believe the soul lives forever in some form. So I ask myself if I would want my soul to be with this soul beyond this plane, into the infinite. If not, I have no interest. If so, then game on.

In my last two relationships, even with their flaws, I achieved a state of true spiritual connection, as close to true love as I've been able to get in this world. Those relationships had their flaws and ultimately I chose to move on from them. But both men told me they'd never been so in love, both told me it was the best sex of their lives and they couldn't get enough, and both are still occasionally in touch trying to get back together. 

That true spiritual bond, true love or at least the striving for it, is a game changer. Nothing comes close. I can't ever go back to anything less.

So funny I am reading this.

I started a different thread named "Agreed to have sex with him and now changed my mind", if you want to have a look, and this is spot on!

I got carried away with this guy that sex talked to me after one date and today I had a conversation with him saying I want to connect at other levels too before I get to the sex part and he was offended and annoyed by it and said the connection at other levels would happen after the sex! It was the end for us. Good riddance.

But this is totally it! He was coming from a lower level energy (he basically just wanted Casual Sex), and I want the heart connection, mental, etc.

[stillafool]

So you told him good bye for good?

[girlnextdoor2020]

9 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't move forward with sex until I feel attracted to him on every level - sexual, animal, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Spiritual is the most ethereal, of course. I believe the soul lives forever in some form. So I ask myself if I would want my soul to be with this soul beyond this plane, into the infinite. If not, I have no interest. If so, then game on.

In my last two relationships, even with their flaws, I achieved a state of true spiritual connection, as close to true love as I've been able to get in this world. Those relationships had their flaws and ultimately I chose to move on from them. But both men told me they'd never been so in love, both told me it was the best sex of their lives and they couldn't get enough, and both are still occasionally in touch trying to get back together. 

That true spiritual bond, true love or at least the striving for it, is a game changer. Nothing comes close. I can't ever go back to anything less.

I totally understand where you are coming from. That is what true love is. And it makes me understand how accepting Casual Sex can interfere with finding a higher level connection, because both come from different places.

[MissPinkEyes]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

So you told him good bye for good?

No, I told him I wanted to take a step back and get to know each other at other levels before we got to the sex. He was annoyed and stopped messaging me.

[Miss Spider]

that’s interesting. It’s just cool to see how different people date different in accordance with the values that they have. I can’t say that I’ve ever looked for that sort of thing and I don’t really believe in anything I’d consider spiritual ( I think metaphysical when I hear that and I’m materialist) . However, I need that “whole”(mentally/physically/emotionally) mutual connection as well even if and won’t date anyone who doesn’t cut it. , I guess it would be different if I was super horny and needed to hook up asap. But I’ve never felt that way. Who I am attracted to is largely mental/emotional. My exes(and some that weren’t even what I’d consider an ex) said same thing “best of their life/never felt so strongly) and it was anything but on my end of things. I mean, they may have been like that at one point but the feelings faded. so it is possible to feel that on one side,  but not it have it be a metaphysical “connection”  or a connection at all...

 

Anyway, yeah there really is no wrong way to date. Whatever makes you happy and leads you to your goals. 

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

No, I told him I wanted to take a step back and get to know each other at other levels before we got to the sex. He was annoyed and stopped messaging me.

So are you done with him yet?

[MissPinkEyes]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

So are you done with him yet?

After his reaction, yes I am done with him. And others of the same type.

[dramafreezone]

There are a lot of "dating coaches" out there.  I do think a lot of them can be helpful but they're not infalliable.  I don't think it's ever a good idea to take their word as gospel, because many of them just teach you how to be like them, instead of focusing on your values and tailoring their advice with you in mind.

\It's ok to challenge them on their ideas, and pay attention to how they respond.  Everything that they're suggesting isn't going to work for you, so take only what you feel is valuable.

[DKT3]

On 12/27/2020 at 4:47 PM, ShyViolet said:

I agree with you, the above is a dumb rule.  You might not meet "the one" for years.  So they are suggesting that you should go without sex for years then.  Don't follow other people's rules.  Do what you want.

I think you both misunderstood what was being said. Basically they are saying don't have sex with a guy you feel maybe the one casually.  Or too fast

This is actually important.  Many guys will lose interest in women who were too "easy". Realistic guys will think, I'm not that great so why would she.....Egotistical guys will often never see you as more then sex.

Truth be told, many guys make greater efforts with women they have not slept with.  

Take your time. 

Does that mean you can't have sex? No. 

Lets be honest,  women often have sex with hot guys they know they have no future with.  Continue on until you meet one you feel you have a future with,  then take your time.

[Zona]

5 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Body count?? 🙄

I'm sorry but I view things differently than you. If I do Casual Sex or not, how many men I slept with, is NONE of their business. And if they ask me these questions, it is a huge red flag to me and they would be kick off so fast they wouldn't see it coming. It is none of their business. My body, my rules. 

I'm no prude so don't get me wrong, but I just can't do hookups. Tried twice and hated it. 

Hiding your past or your convictions beliefs etc.,  will likely be a red flag to a potential partner, and that will limit the pool of potential mates. That of course is counter productive to entering into a long term relationship.

Marriage is based on love, communication, and very importantly trust. If someone couldn't be honest with me at the start of any relationship, I would move on. 

Be honest with people, and one day you will find someone who you click with that will be on the same page.

[Lotsgoingon]

Get to someone who is practical, who makes you feel good after you meet with them. It's the same principal as finding a therapist or even a doctor. You want someone you whose views you really trust! And who seems to pay attention to you and think about what YOU want. 

I say don't give up on coaching if you think that will help. But get to a more down-to-earth and reasonable coach. A good coach can help your dating life thinking that you need to find your soulmate. And the skills you can learn from a good coach are skills that would apply to work and friendships and life overall.