Does it sound like she asked me on date or just as friends?

[SumGuy]

11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You know, my initial thought was that I figured I'd have all of my issues worked out at that age, but apparently according to statistics men are more likely to cheat in their 50s-70s than at any other point in their lives.  Learn something new every day.

Anyway, that does sound like your circle is very healthy and built on trust.  I don't want to sidetrack this thread anymore.

Agreed.  Perhaps another thread.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

I respect your perspective.  It wouldn't matter to me though.  Whether or not I thought she was interested, if she asked me out and I was attracted, I would at least give it a shot and confirm that it was not a romantic vibe from her.  It's better than wondering what if.

I respect your perspective too, but you missed my original point.  He is not attracted to her!  Has no romantic or sexual interest in her whatsoever.  To me this is clear as day.

Like I said, the only reason he's considering dating her is because she's suddenly become available, and they have things in common.   He said in his original post, he was fine being just friends with her, and would be fine if she only wanted a friendship with him.

Those are not the words of a man who has a romantic or sexual interest in a woman.  He's attempting to force himself to feel an attraction (different from merely finding her attractive physically) because she's female, available and they have common interests and that is not how attraction works, I am sure you don't need me to tell you that.

I am wondering if you've read any of his previous threads.  I've questioned whether he would even know what having sexual attraction/energy/chemistry with a woman was, he seems to base his attractions on having things in common or from a "friendship first" perspective based on how well they get on together.

Not how sexual attraction works which is what differentiates dating from a friendship, which again I am sure you don't need me to tell you.

 

 

 

Edited January 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Yikes! That sounds so transactional.  It is not a "favor" if you expect something in return.  Male or female, romantic interest or not, they are not your friend if they take advantage of you for favors.

It doesn't have to be that way.   Not that I'd call being a friend stupid or simpish, anymore than I feel stupid or simpish for the favors I do my male friends.

Yes, it is kind of messed up but it is the nature of it a lot of times. I just think that when you like someone romantically, but you are settling for friends, that doesn’t change the desire for more... so a lot of times the guy will do things to win the woman’s good graces or have so that she likes him more(as much as he liked her) or just to be near her. And often they go beyond what they’d normally than he would do for another friend ... that he weren’t into. 
 

i’ve seen it before with some of my friends. Their guy friends will give them money. One of them basically drops whatever he is doing to go over to her house to fix/build stuff. He came to pick us all up at like 4 and then she ditched him.  It’s ridiculous.  Sad to see how she takes advantage of it. All she has to do is make some flirtatious comment and bat her eyes, she trips all over himself and I’m just like bruh. Dignity please? It’s painful to watch. She wouldn’t if he was the last guy on earth  , but as long as he thinks the possibility is there, she can say jump and he’ll probably ask how high. 

Edited January 27, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[max3732]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I respect your perspective too, but you missed my original point.  He is not attracted to her!  Has no romantic or sexual interest in her whatsoever.  To me this is clear as day.

Like I said, the only reason he's considering dating her is because she's suddenly become available, and they have things in common.   He said in his original post, he was fine being just friends with her, and would be fine if she only wanted a friendship with him.

Those are not the words of a man who has a romantic or sexual interest in a woman.  He's attempting to force himself to feel an attraction (different from merely finding her attractive physically) because she's female, available and they have common interests and that is not how attraction works, I am sure you don't need me to tell you that.

I am wondering if you've read any of his previous threads.  I've questioned whether he would even know what having sexual attraction/energy/chemistry with a woman was, he seems to base his attractions on having things in common or from a "friendship first" perspective based on how well they get on together.

Not how sexual attraction works which is what differentiates dating from a friendship, which again I am sure you don't need me to tell you.

 

 

 

You might be right about not being attracted to her. That's what I'm trying to find out. The last few women I've gone on more than 1 date with I felt sexual attracted with and the last one I had a moment that was unlike anything I'd felt before and I think is what you're describing. You're right I don't have a lot of experience though and could be missing a lot of signs.

With this woman ever since I've known her she was dating someone. Originally when I saw her I thought she might be girlfriend material, but I've written her off as a friend for so many years since I don't know if I can suddenly see her as more.

She is objectively attractive, like she's has a very pretty face and a great body. Like you mentioned we also have a lot of common interests and she checks a lot of boxes of what I'd like to find. Definitely not everything though, and it's the smaller things I think that give me pause about dating. Like she doesn't have a fun/silly/both of us are laughing side. I can't remember any moments in our conversations where she's said something that has made me really laugh. That said on the big picture things, like family, lifestyle, career, etc we are very similar.

I'm definitely not madly in love with her so I would someday profess that I've loved her years and wish she'd feel the same way about me. If she said "let's be friends and hang out and do stuff together" I'd be perfectly fine with that. If she said "let's try dating" and I could get her to show me more of a silly side I might enjoy that as well. It's not just that she's single and female with a pulse. She's really pretty! 

One of the main reasons I also considered her for dating is the girlfriend I had for the longest started out as "just a friend" and I actually didn't like her at all at first. Over time though I did fall in love with her. So I figure you never know!

I also think it would be great to have a female friend to get her perspective and just enjoy being in her company.

[Menara]

In my opinion, she asked you out. This is exactly how I would approach things if I were interested in a guy but wasn't sure how he felt about me. If you enjoy her company and would like things to go further, I would suggest some subtle hints and see how she reacts. Maybe complement her on her outfit, or tell her she has a great smile. Another tactic is to just touch her lightly, "accidentally" and see how she reacts to that.  If she doesn't move away, that's a good sign. 

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, max3732 said:

You might be right about not being attracted to her. That's what I'm trying to find out. 

Like you mentioned we also have a lot of common interests and she checks a lot of boxes of what I'd like to find

I also think it would be great to have a female friend to get her perspective and just enjoy being in her company.

Then keep her as a friend. 

max, I am pretty sure we talked about this before in your previous threads but feeling romantic/sexual attraction to a woman is not something you have to think about or try to find out.  You either feel it or you don't.  You can't talk yourself into it because she's pretty, has a nice figure, you have things in common and/or she checks a lot of arbitrary boxes.  That is not how romantic/sexual attraction works.

Even assuming she IS attracted to you, which I don't think she is for many reasons, I think it's wrong to consider dating her because of that, romantic/sexual attraction is something you must feel too, otherwise you are misleading her and that's wrong.

Seriously, keep her as a friend and continue meeting and dating women you do feel a romantic attraction to.  Naturally, organically.  Nothing you should have to think about or talk yourself into.

 

 

 

 

Edited January 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

22 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I respect your perspective too, but you missed my original point.  He is not attracted to her!  Has no romantic or sexual interest in her whatsoever.  To me this is clear as day.

Like I said, the only reason he's considering dating her is because she's suddenly become available, and they have things in common.   He said in his original post, he was fine being just friends with her, and would be fine if she only wanted a friendship with him.

Those are not the words of a man who has a romantic or sexual interest in a woman.  He's attempting to force himself to feel an attraction (different from merely finding her attractive physically) because she's female, available and they have common interests and that is not how attraction works, I am sure you don't need me to tell you that.

I am wondering if you've read any of his previous threads.  I've questioned whether he would even know what having sexual attraction/energy/chemistry with a woman was, he seems to base his attractions on having things in common or from a "friendship first" perspective based on how well they get on together.

Not how sexual attraction works which is what differentiates dating from a friendship, which again I am sure you don't need me to tell you.

 

 

 

I don't think he said he wasn't attracted to her.  I just thought he said that he didn't see her as an option previously.

I had a specific case of a former co-worker and friend that it turns out was interested in me, but I didn't even think about her like that because I thought she was married (she had gotten a divorce) and frankly I thought she was out of my league.  So just because he'd previously not thought of her like that doesn't mean he's not attracted to her, it just means he didn't consider her an option because of previous barriers that no longer existed.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I don't think he said he wasn't attracted to her.  I just thought he said that he didn't see her as an option previously.

Yeah I think he did.

>>You might be right about not being attracted to her.

He didn't need to say it though for me to sense it, just from reading his posts.  To me it was fairly obvious, even from reading his very first post.

Edited January 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah I think he did.

>>You might be right about not being attracted to her.

That doens't sound convincing.  He's not sure.  He talked about if he should put the moves to her or not.  Doesn't sound like someone that had no attraction to her.  

The most obvious evidence that he at least had some interest is that this thread exists!!  If he didn't, he wouldn't have needed to ask, because it wouldn't have mattered to him.

In any event, he did the right thing by seeing it through.

Edited January 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

Just now, dramafreezone said:

That doens't sound convincing.  He's not sure.

Well that's what I am having trouble understanding.  Maybe it's different for men, I never thought it was, but is romantic/sexual attraction something you have to think about or wonder about - if you are, or you're not?

I mean isn't it something you just feel?  And it's pretty immediate?

Like I have heard men describe it as, when they meet a woman for the first time, if he thinks about taking her clothes off and having sex with her, then clearly he's attracted.   He doesn't need to go home and ponder about it or even take her out a few times to realize it, it's immediate.

Am I wrong about that?  

If I am I apologize, I just never believed that to be the way attraction worked.  

I know for me, it's pretty immediate although I do know women where it takes a few dates.  I just never thought that was how it was for men.

 

 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I had a specific case of a former co-worker and friend that it turns out was interested in me, but I didn't even think about her like that because I thought she was married (she had gotten a divorce) and frankly I thought she was out of my league.  So just because he'd previously not thought of her like that doesn't mean he's not attracted to her, it just means he didn't consider her an option because of previous barriers that no longer existed.

I understand about her not being an option for max because she had a boyfriend, but reading his posts, it seems like now that she IS an option, he has a neither here nor there attitude about her, take her or leave her.  If she's into him, he will consider it, he will figure out if he's attracted or not.

If she's not into him, he's happy just being her friend.

To me, these don't sound like the words of a man who is romantically/sexually attracted, jmo.

 

Edited January 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

With guys it's a bit different.  I (and pretty much every other guy in existence) will have sex with a reasonably good looking woman, even if she doesn't knock our socks off.  So despite the lukewarm feelings this guy has expressed, I'm fairly certain that he would've had sex with this woman if he had the opportunity to, regardless of how he felt about her beforehand.  He doesn't have a lot of dating experience.  So he did the right thing IMO.

With women it's different.  If you were to go outside of your house and yell "Sex over here" you'd have a line wrapped around the block.  So the way you see your options is different.  Most well adjusted women do have to feel more strongly about a guy before sleeping with him.  Not that way with most guys, it just isn't.   The. average woman has many more sexual options than the average guy.

Edited January 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

With guys it's a bit different.  I (and pretty much every other guy in existence) will have sex with a reasonably good looking woman, even if she doesn't knock our socks off.  So despite the lukewarm feelings this guy has expressed, I'm fairly certain that he would've had sex with this woman if he had the opportunity to, regardless of how he felt about her beforehand.  So he did the right thing IMO.

With women it's different.  If you were to go outside of your house and yell "Sex over here" you'd have a line wrapped around the block.  So the way you see your options is different.  Most well adjusted women do have to feel more strongly about a guy before sleeping with him.  Not that way with most guys, it just isn't.   The. average woman has many more sexual options than the average guy.

I agree with that, about men being able to have sex with a woman even when he has lukewarm feelings.  But that is not what max is referring to I don't think, he is talking about dating her.  Dating her with the hope of having a relationship with her.

Please read his previous threads, THAT is what he is looking for.  A woman to connect with and date, have a serious relationship with.

Not just women to have casual sex with.

I may be wrong, and max forgive me if I am, but I am fairly certain he is still a virgin.

[dramafreezone]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with that, about men being able to have sex with a woman even when he has lukewarm feelings.  But that is not what max is referring to I don't think, he is talking about dating her.  Dating her with the hope of having a relationship with her.

Please read his previous threads, THAT is what he is looking for.  A woman to connect with and date, have a serious relationship with.

Not just women to have casual sex with.

I may be wrong, and max forgive me if I am, but I am fairly certain he is still a virgin.

Even if that's the case, I think a take it or leave it attitude on the first date is the right way to go.  I've been in situations where I put all of the weight of the world on a single date, and it shows when you care too much.  A relationship shouldn't even be a consideration before the first date takes place.

And a lack of experience is all the more reason to take the date as practice at least.  Either way it's not that big of a deal.

Edited January 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Even if that's the case, I think a take it or leave it attitude on the first date is the right way to go. 

Not for me.  It's not how my experiences have been and if I sensed a man had a "take it or leave it" attitude about me on the first date, then there would be no second date.

I am not suggesting he has to fall all over me or put the weight of his world on a single date, far from!  That would turn me off as well. 

But a mutual attraction which he makes known to me?   Yes definitely.  And vice versa.

Edited January 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not for me.  It's not how my experiences have been and if I sensed a man had a "take it or leave it" attitude about me on the first date, then there would be no second date.

I am not suggesting he has to fall all over me or put the weight of his world on a single date, far from!  That would turn me off as well. 

But a mutual attraction which he makes known to me?   Yes definitely.  And vice versa.

Maybe we have different opinions of what take it or leave it means.

When I go on a date my attitude is "let's see what happens."  I try not to be attached to an outcome.  I just want to have a good time.  If the chemistry is not there, I try to cut the date short.  I don't see the problem with that.

That's what I call take it or leave it.  I'm just there to see if there's any spark there.  It's either there or not.  Maybe you think take it or leave it means uninterested.  I wouldn't go out with her if I were uninterested.  There are women that do that though to get free meals, which is why I do drinks on the first date.

Edited January 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

Just now, dramafreezone said:

Maybe we have different opinions of what take it or leave it means.

When I go on a date my attitude is "let's see what happens."  I try not to be attached to an outcome.  I just want to have a good time.  If the chemistry is not there, I try to cut the date short.  I don't see the problem with that.

That's what I call take it or leave it.  I'm just there to see if there's any spark there.  It's either there or not.  Maybe you think take it or leave it means uninterested.  I wouldn't go out with her if I were uninterested.

That's exactly how I see it too!  In fact, I preach about this all the time on here, to not be attached to the outcome.  Enjoy the process of getting to know each other, enjoy the journey not the destination.

When you said "take it or leave it" I assumed it meant exactly that.  You could take her or leave her.  An indifference, apathy.  I took the phrase at face value.

Anyway, I am glad we cleared that up!

Back to max, frankly I am not sure what he wants.  I mean he's like IF she's into me, I might consider dating her, but if she's not, that's fine too, I am happy with being friends.

Whatever, I'll leave it to him to figure out.

 

[dramafreezone]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That's exactly how I see it too!  In fact, I preach about this all the time on here, to not be attached to the outcome.  Enjoy the process of getting to know each other, enjoy the journey not the destination.

When you said "take it or leave it" I assumed it meant exactly that.  You could take her or leave her.  An indifference, apathy.  I took the phrase at face value.

Anyway, I am glad we cleared that up!

Back to max, frankly I am not sure what he wants.  I mean he's like IF she's into me, I might consider dating her, but if she's not, that's fine too, I am happy with being friends.

Whatever, I'll leave it to him to figure out.

 

I know, that's who I got it from, women!  Most women approach dating the way you do, just to see how it goes.  That's not how most guys approach it, and it took me 41 years to get to that point. 

In my younger days I would put far too much on a date.  I'd imagine our wedding, what our kids would look like, how we'd spend the holidays together, all before the first date.   I think it's perfect that this guy was not super excited about this date, especially if he's not very experienced.  I wish I had gone on more dates with women that I didn't have the highest interest in just to get more experience.  It's not the best idea to practice dating vs women that you really like!

Edited January 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[max3732]

16 hours ago, poppyfields said:

That's exactly how I see it too!  In fact, I preach about this all the time on here, to not be attached to the outcome.  Enjoy the process of getting to know each other, enjoy the journey not the destination.

When you said "take it or leave it" I assumed it meant exactly that.  You could take her or leave her.  An indifference, apathy.  I took the phrase at face value.

Anyway, I am glad we cleared that up!

Back to max, frankly I am not sure what he wants.  I mean he's like IF she's into me, I might consider dating her, but if she's not, that's fine too, I am happy with being friends.

Whatever, I'll leave it to him to figure out.

 

That's exactly it. I enjoy spending time with her as a friend and having an attractive woman in front of me. Even without dating that in itself makes me happy. You're right I'm not looking to sleep with her, but I'd really like to have some kind of physical contact at some point and would be open to cuddling or kissing if there was any kind of chance for a future. Like I mentioned before I've had my feelings grow towards someone before so it's not like I size up someone right away as far as chemistry.

With physical attraction I know I find her attractive and there are women from OLD that I've met in person and I knew right away were not. Some of the OLD that I've gone on multiples dates with I also knew right away I felt physically attracted and after talking to them for a while I kept wanting to kiss them.

16 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I know, that's who I got it from, women!  Most women approach dating the way you do, just to see how it goes.  That's not how most guys approach it, and it took me 41 years to get to that point. 

In my younger days I would put far too much on a date.  I'd imagine our wedding, what our kids would look like, how we'd spend the holidays together, all before the first date.   I think it's perfect that this guy was not super excited about this date, especially if he's not very experienced.  I wish I had gone on more dates with women that I didn't have the highest interest in just to get more experience.  It's not the best idea to practice dating vs women that you really like!

I'm guilty of what you described in your younger days as well. Not as much with a first date anymore since I have some more experience and have learned to not get my hopes up, but I still occasionally start visualizing the future with her. With a 2nd or 3rd date sometimes I will imagine holding her in my arms or lying on the couch together watching something and then making out or sitting by a fire together and how it would be to go on trips or to different events with her.

[IntBrowser]

On 12/28/2020 at 6:51 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I see. Moderately. You knew for sure that they were interested in you or did you just come to the conclusion?
 

I’ve sort of stopped doing this, at least with guys I want to be friends only with. I actually stopped keeping male friends for the large part because they tend to assume that if I asked them to hang out or I agree to hang out or something like that,  I am interested in something romantic. Or I have to tiptoeing around what I say because I don’t want to give the wrong impression to their impressionable mind, when normally to a real friend I wouldn’t have to.  And it is very awkward when I have to tell them that I just want to be friends. And for some reason have to keep telling them that because apparently they think I have changed my mind or my answered changed 

Maybe its because most times a woman wont even go out again and would make excuses.   So they probably do think you are interested since you are agreeing to be seen with them in public and dont have an issue looking like a couple.

[Kaarek]

I mean, not necessarily. I also talk with a girl in the gym we both go to. I've tried to invite her for a coffee and she kindly declined it, she wasn't rude or anything but made me understand she wasn't inclined to go for it.

I wasn't upset nor rude towards her but I did give her less attention than the usual, comes out, she approaches me even more when she comes to the gym. Does it mean she wants to date me? Not really, we just speak about life and share thoughts about our week, that's about it.

Same thing with your case, it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to date you, you see, women like attention and there is nothing wrong with that. Keep her as a friend, hang out as friends and if you both are attracted to each other it'll eventually happen.

But don't go out thinking she's only after you and she wants you, don't be too naive for your own good.

[dramafreezone]

On 1/30/2021 at 1:59 AM, Kaarek said:

I mean, not necessarily. I also talk with a girl in the gym we both go to. I've tried to invite her for a coffee and she kindly declined it, she wasn't rude or anything but made me understand she wasn't inclined to go for it.

I wasn't upset nor rude towards her but I did give her less attention than the usual, comes out, she approaches me even more when she comes to the gym. Does it mean she wants to date me? Not really, we just speak about life and share thoughts about our week, that's about it.

Same thing with your case, it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to date you, you see, women like attention and there is nothing wrong with that. Keep her as a friend, hang out as friends and if you both are attracted to each other it'll eventually happen.

But don't go out thinking she's only after you and she wants you, don't be too naive for your own good.

Well, the huge difference here was that she asked HIM out.  I still think that at the time she asked, there was at least some interest (in a romantic sense) from her.  That said, I think that only applies to that single moment in time, and a women's interest can change at any time for multiple reasons.  It could've changed 10 seconds after she asked based on his response, two hours after she asked, two days after.  Maybe an ex came back into the picture and it changed.  Maybe she met someone else in that short period of time.  He could've said something on the date that made her feelings change. 

I remember a couple of years back I met a woman at a bar that looked like she wanted to rip my clothes off at first and then by the end of our 10 minute conversation (in which I talked about politics for some reason) she looked at me like "meh."  That's more of an extreme example, but I just say that to say that she could've had interest at one point, but then lost it at any time between when she asked him out and then end of that date.  By the way, just a PSA to men, don't ever talk about politics when you're trying to meet women.  Don't know what I was thinking.

[Miss Spider]

On 1/29/2021 at 11:31 PM, IntBrowser said:

Maybe its because most times a woman wont even go out again and would make excuses.   So they probably do think you are interested since you are agreeing to be seen with them in public and dont have an issue looking like a couple.

The bar’s that high 

[max3732]

22 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, the huge difference here was that she asked HIM out.  I still think that at the time she asked, there was at least some interest (in a romantic sense) from her.  That said, I think that only applies to that single moment in time, and a women's interest can change at any time for multiple reasons.  It could've changed 10 seconds after she asked based on his response, two hours after she asked, two days after.  Maybe an ex came back into the picture and it changed.  Maybe she met someone else in that short period of time.  He could've said something on the date that made her feelings change. 

I remember a couple of years back I met a woman at a bar that looked like she wanted to rip my clothes off at first and then by the end of our 10 minute conversation (in which I talked about politics for some reason) she looked at me like "meh."  That's more of an extreme example, but I just say that to say that she could've had interest at one point, but then lost it at any time between when she asked him out and then end of that date.  By the way, just a PSA to men, don't ever talk about politics when you're trying to meet women.  Don't know what I was thinking.

What if they bring it up? If you change the subject does it look like you don't know what's going on or will she respect that you're not interested in discussing it now? I'd also much prefer someone on the same political side as me or at least with the same basic values so if she brings it up why not find out if you're compatible?

With friends/work sometimes people will just blurt out these inflammatory political stuff and I always change the subject there (esp work) even though I'm biting my tongue the whole time. With dating though you're trying to see if you're right for each other.

As far as this woman who asked me out it's definitely friend territory. I don't think I said anything to offend her or change her opinion of me since she asked me out, but like you said you don't know what's going with her life. I'm also not really into her so maybe she picked up on that.

[dramafreezone]

Sounds good, at least you went out and now you have no regrets.

Politics just doesn't provide the vibe you want when you're trying to get to know someone.  You want them to associate you with a good feeling.  Nothing serious on the first few dates.