Edgar2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 I need help making a decision about an unwanted pregnancy. I had a one night stand with a girl earlier in the year and she told me about a month later that she was pregnant. I do not want the child and we discussed the reasons that it was not a good idea for her to have the child as i was not in a good time financially or emotionally. I told her i did not want to be with her and that i was not going to be in a relationship with her due to this. She didn't take any consideration in to what i had to say or the way things were and she decided on her own to have this child and she said she would raise it on her own. The child is due in a few months and i have a new girlfriend that i have had since this all began. I met her shortly after the encounter with the other girl. She is concerned that she does not want to be in this type of situation and is not sure what to do. I have been told to make sure that the child is mine before making any committments to the mother. I have not talked to the mother since she told me about the pregnancy. I have decided to tell her that if she wants any support from me, that she needs to prove that it is mine first. I then plan on telling her that i am not willing to be a part of this childs life at this time, as i am unable to do so, and that i will support it financially as i am legally obligated to do so. I feel this way because she took no consideration for me at the time this happened, and she could have righted this wrong then, but was not listening to me. I think she thought that having this child would bring us together. We live in a small town and it is likely that we will bump in to each other at some point, but i want some advice as to wether my decision is justified. I have decided that i may want to be a part of the childs life in a couple years or so when i have my life back on track, but at this point i do not want this. Please give me some advice.!
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 I'm going to not jump on the bandwagon and give you sh*t about being in the childs life is the best thing.. Or about being a responsible adult.. It sounds to me that you could be a advertisment for the reason you need to use condoms when having sex.. Are you using condoms with your now GF ? She has every right to have the child and she also has every right to make you stick up to your obligations.. I would if asked to support this child do as you have been advised and have a paternity test done to make sure that the child is yours.. In your case that is just a smart move. If I were in your shoes I would step up to the plate and become this childs father.. It would be a decision you would NEVER regret.
d'Arthez Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 I feel this way because she took no consideration for me at the time this happened, and she could have righted this wrong then, but was not listening to me. The wrong is not that she did not listen to you. The wrong is that you had unprotected sex with a fertile girl, who ended up pregnant, while you were in no position to become a responsible parent. That was the mistake the both of you made. And you have responsibility there. You have to accept that, as she has accepted hers. The decision of her to keep it is her decision. Ultimately it is the woman who decides whether or not to abort. For moral reasons, or whatever. The reasons do not matter for an outsider, and that is including you. You did not have a solid relationship with this girl, nor did you ever had one. So you must of course fulfill your legal requirements, once the child is born, and proven yours. No doubt about that. It is commendable that you do so. But you are in no way obliged to be a part of the child's life, by any means. Especially if you are at a point in life, where you feel you cannot be a proper parent. And that can change, and in the future you might be able to form a bond with your child. Your decision can be justified. But given that you are in a small town, the excuses (and I am not saying they are invalid) will be under constant scrutiny of the town.
morrigan Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Go to an attorney and see about potentially getting a prenatal paternity test done now, or have a test done at the child's birth, before any child support papers are drawn up. Make it clear to the attorney that you are not seeking any kind of visitation at this time. It's better to initiate the legal arrangements now, rather than wait for this woman to take you to court. Even if she wasn't to seek child support right at this point, she still could do so several years from now. If this child is yours, you are fulfilling your required obligations--just as you never had the right to make a decision about her pregnancy, she doesn't have the right to demand you be an actual presence in the child's life.
Author Edgar2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Author Posted October 14, 2005 I do want to make clear as well, that she told me she was on birth control at the time, and then after she found out she was pregnant, she told me that her birth control was all messed up at the time. I do wear condoms all the time, but this was one time that i made the mistake and didn't wear one. I had not been with anyone in over two years and it was spur of the moment thing. I realize it was wrong and i am willing to pay financially if the child is mine. I just feel that men never get to make any decisions in wether it is a good idea to have the baby or not. Because of that, i feel that i should be allowed to make the decision not to be part of the childs life right now.
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Go to an attorney and see about potentially getting a prenatal paternity test done now, A prenatal test is dangerous for the babies health.. you should only have this kind done if you are doing the tests done for downs syndrome.. You have to wait until the baby is born I just feel that men never get to make any decisions in wether it is a good idea to have the baby or not. This is just part of being a man.. Suck it up..They get to chose.. We don't That is why our choice is before the pregnancy.. Condoms..
morrigan Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 I just feel that men never get to make any decisions in wether it is a good idea to have the baby or not. Because of that, i feel that i should be allowed to make the decision not to be part of the childs life right now. The decision to be an actual father to the baby or not is absolutely yours, just do the right thing and be financially responsible for your child. Women are the ones who have children, they have the right to make the final decision about their pregnancy. When you have sex with anyone, it's a 50-50 situation--you're both responsible for any potential pregnancies or STD's that might result from it, regardless if either of you were actually using birth control or not.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 I just feel that men never get to make any decisions in wether it is a good idea to have the baby or not. Because of that, i feel that i should be allowed to make the decision not to be part of the childs life right now. Wrong buddy. You got to make that decision. It was the decision that you made to listen to her when she said she was on birth control and not follow it up with a condom. If you decide not to be in this child's life, that is your choice. I will be like AC and say I won't rag on you about the obvious correct decision that you should make. I also won't say that you shouldn't really be more worried about what your gf thinks than this unborn child that is yours. I will say you're missing a blessing if you decide not to have contact with the child.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 At this point, its a matter of coping with what is already done. Just get a lawyer and lay out your situation ahead of time so that paternity testing can be done and you can find out what your monthly contribution will have to be pending the results of the DNA test.
JayKay Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 It's funny how so many girls say their birth control was 'all messed up'....
Author Edgar2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Author Posted October 24, 2005 Thanks to all of you for giving me some much needed advice.
glittergurl Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Ughh I feel sorry for that kid with parents like you two. What a waste. "Me me me; my rights, me this me that, my decision, blabla". There's a child now. Deal with it. Both of you.
submart Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Birth control pills are not 100% effective, not by any means. I know you were in the heat of the moment, but always carry a latex condom with you at all times. STD's are so prevelant these days, and the only protection you have against them is 1. abstinance 2. knowing your partner's history 3. correct condom use. We all make mistakes in our lives, it's a part of living. Don't beat yourself up too much. Just learn from it! The innocent person in this situation is the child. Not you! Please don't be selfish If it turns out to be yours do pay child support so your child has a chance at a good life.
lilmoma1973 Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 I understand that you she was taking birth control but shouldn't you always use extra protection to prevent pregnancy!! There are alot of STD's going around you should be very cautious !! Birth Control isn't 100 percent proof !!!! Good luck and i hope you stick by this child !!
Deshanga Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 Hate to rain on your parade, but I hope you've learned your lesson! Be more careful, make sure you never have to deal with this again. And whatever you decide to do, be nice about it. It always bugs me when people do the right thing with a bad attitude. Try to see the positive in it and you will be much happier.
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