I was stunned girlfriend called it off right now, 6 days NC, I'm in misery like never before, will she reach out to me?

January 2, 2021

4 hours ago, JayWay said:

What hook? She’s said she needs time space etc. Hook for what? I’d think a better hook would be things like “oh I miss you, need you, this sucks”. I could be wrong though. I’ve never felt this way before about a woman and I’ve never dealt with anything remotely close to this. I went dark with zero contact. I then contacted her though as already said 2 nights ago and got her response of “appreciate you everything and what saying, I just need time now, I’m sorry, don’t disappear”. What I’m saying is why message me something heartfelt when she knows I don’t want us apart and working on being together by her demands. Makes zero sense. Even if it’s keep me on hook? She’s already seen how heartbroke I am. So how is that keep me on hook? Sorry, again, I’ve never fallen like this before and I truly care for her as human being and as a mom and such. And I’ve never dealt with any separation even close to This. It feels she’s forcing herself or something. Remember, she’s brat at times and says she always gets what she wants.

She messages you heartfelt because she's treating you very badly and knows you won't stick around for that so she has to throw out crumbs every now and then to make you confused (it's working!) and to think there's some hope when there is none.

There is no hope for a happy life with this person.

You keep repeating the words she's told you and trying to make sense of them. You won't make sense of them because she's a confused person and her words reflect that.

January 2, 2021

4 hours ago, JayWay said:

Not sure about you or others on here, but I don’t text people with holiday greeting with heart emjoi and say love you.

Right, but someone explained to you earlier that she doesn't think like you do. She's really messed up.

January 2, 2021

2 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

She messages you heartfelt because she's treating you very badly and knows you won't stick around for that so she has to throw out crumbs every now and then to make you confused (it's working!) and to think there's some hope when there is none.

There is no hope for a happy life with this person.

You keep repeating the words she's told you and trying to make sense of them. You won't make sense of them because she's a confused person and her words reflect that.

Why throw crumbs when she knows then there’s no hope? Just say to me, f-off, see ya later. She takes time to relay other things that are hope filled, so use that to say it’s done. Which really hurts me how sudden this all is. And how she should be over here tonight and such and she’s not even missing that. I get she’s wired differently, but all things done did said that she said etc. A lot easier for her to just say f-off. What pleasure does she get stringing me along?

January 2, 2021

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Jay, unstable people behave in an unstable manner.

It’s never going to make sense to you because you’re not wired that way, so it’s useless keep repeating the same loop over and over. Unstable people are not predictable and don’t behave in a logical fashion.

If you insist on waiting around, expect a lot more of this. It’s who she is. You’re not going to get a consistently happy and stable relationship out of her. You’re going to get hurt again.

Thank you. So she says to me to wait, she’s never felt this way, but I can wait and be there for her when she’ll end up leaving me handful times and coming back again? That’s what your saying? She’s done that before with couple exes. So weird cause she has children. I don’t see how she tells Me there’s guy right here we care for each other he has his own house and I need to do this though right now. So in other words, she’ll flock to me when her new job or living with her mom isn’t going smooth? Or her new guy treats her like garbage, then she’ll come running back and do it over and over again? Sorry, I’ve never dealt with that. Heck no I don’t want that. Women or men actually do that?????

January 2, 2021

3 minutes ago, JayWay said:

Why throw crumbs when she knows then there’s no hope? Just say to me, f-off, see ya later. She takes time to relay other things that are hope filled, so use that to say it’s done. Which really hurts me how sudden this all is. And how she should be over here tonight and such and she’s not even missing that. I get she’s wired differently, but all things done did said that she said etc. A lot easier for her to just say f-off. What pleasure does she get stringing me along?

That's the way your mind works. Her mind works differently. She doesn't want you to go away. She wants to keep you hanging on as plan b, c, or d.

The pleasure she gets from stringing you along is that it makes her feel desirable and/or powerful that a guy wants her so badly he would hang on when she's treating him poorly. That's why she told you not to disappear. She may not want you, but she wants you to be there for her in case she changes her mind.

January 2, 2021

1 minute ago, JayWay said:

Women or men actually do that?????

Yes, women or men actually do that.

January 2, 2021

3 hours ago, JayWay said:

Just say to me, f-off, see ya later.

When people breakup,they sometimes want to "end on good terms" or let someone down in what they believe is a nice way.

As misguided as that is, it's often the reason people do stuff like this or play the "let's stay friends" card.

It's your call to put an end to the nonsense and nebulous communication.

That means deleting and blocking her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This is so you can reflect and heal in peace, without nonsense intrusions.

January 2, 2021

6 hours ago, JayWay said:

So she says to me to wait, she’s never felt this way, but I can wait and be there for her when she’ll end up leaving me handful times and coming back again? That’s what your saying?

Women or men actually do that?????

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

And yes, unstable people actually do that. I have an ex-boyfriend who was like that, too. He never changed. Best decision I made was dumping him for good a few years ago now.

You're kidding yourself if you think you're going to get back together and live out the rest of the relationships like the first couple months. That's not an accurate reflection of reality with this women over the long-term. She's going to dump you more than once if you're foolish enough to go back to her.

Edited January 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

January 2, 2021

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

And yes, unstable people actually do that. I have an ex-boyfriend who was like that, too. He never changed. Best decision I made was dumping him for good a few years ago now.

You're kidding yourself if you think you're going to get back together and live out the rest of the relationships like the first couple months. That's not an accurate reflection of reality with this women over the long-term. She's going to dump you more than once if you're foolish enough to go back to her.

I thank you for advice. Did that ex of yours always try coming back and then he’d leave again? I’m asking because I need to guard my heart and mostly protect my son. I say this because, I’ve got another text with “heart” emojis??? Not many words either. Just like “Hey “. I don’t know about you, but I dont send red color heart to someone that I just shattered inside. She did it New Year’s Eve too when said happy new year love u. I got no idea how to respond? Part of me wants to sag “look, I don’t block people I think it’s absurd mostly but what are you wanting? You said need space time etc. I’m trying like hell to give it. You tell me don’t disappear, you just need time and your sorry. You also say it won’t kill me to wait as you do this now and if meant to be we will be. What are you seeking? Heck I already texted you other day like a moron that I’m always here for you”. I won’t say that but I almost want too. Best to just not respond?

January 2, 2021

18 minutes ago, JayWay said:

I thank you for advice. Did that ex of yours always try coming back and then he’d leave again? I’m asking because I need to guard my heart and mostly protect my son. I say this because, I’ve got another text with “heart” emojis??? Not many words either. Just like “Hey “. I don’t know about you, but I dont send red color heart to someone that I just shattered inside. She did it New Year’s Eve too when said happy new year love u. I got no idea how to respond? Part of me wants to sag “look, I don’t block people I think it’s absurd mostly but what are you wanting? You said need space time etc. I’m trying like hell to give it. You tell me don’t disappear, you just need time and your sorry. You also say it won’t kill me to wait as you do this now and if meant to be we will be. What are you seeking? Heck I already texted you other day like a moron that I’m always here for you”. I won’t say that but I almost want too. Best to just not respond?

It’s best to block her. Block her so you don’t have to know when she sends this crap. It means nothing except to keep you hanging on. We have told you, over and over, it’s best to not respond to ANYTHING she says. She’s toxic. Why would you do this to yourself? Block her and move on! If you just want to get her back then maybe the reconciliations page is better? I don’t know, but the advice has already been 100% to not respond to anything, to block her, and to not pursue this relationship. It’s good advice.

January 2, 2021

1 hour ago, maggiemtn said:

It’s best to block her. Block her so you don’t have to know when she sends this crap. It means nothing except to keep you hanging on. We have told you, over and over, it’s best to not respond to ANYTHING she says. She’s toxic. Why would you do this to yourself? Block her and move on! If you just want to get her back then maybe the reconciliations page is better? I don’t know, but the advice has already been 100% to not respond to anything, to block her, and to not pursue this relationship. It’s good advice.

I guess because it’s like she’s a person that turned over night. I’ve never seen it before like this. I’d think she wouldn’t contact me which is why I hadn’t blocked her. Really she contacted me New Years and then now. Maybe when she tells me “I’m not going to block you”, maybe she’s projecting or something knowing that I might? It’s just very weird and kinda hurtful. Actually, it’s insulting. I’ll do that though, block it. The benefit doubt side of me wants to think she’s legit confused sending it and her way of trying to open door back or test waters with me. Which is dumb cause I’ve made very clear I’m waiting for her so to speak. At least to her I’ve said acted like it. What’s weird too is you say word toxic. That’s what she said to me night she did all this, I was toxic or it’s toxic. Almost like projecting again. Like how am I toxic when I’ve not lied and such? Anyways. I’ll block. May I ask though, what’s purpose sending those messages like with red hearts that she says loves me? Is it breadcrumbs? Is a person wanting other person to say oh please come back? Or maybe they want a heart love word sent back? I’m just wondering advice on that cause never dealt with this like this, and she knows where I live and such. So any contact happens I’d like to know possible reasons to be prepared. It does feel she wants me to chase her. I don’t know why I feel that strongly is case. And if a person in my spot sends back similar heart and words doesn’t it give that person the power knowing I’m around as plan C D etc?

January 3, 2021

13 hours ago, JayWay said:

Did that ex of yours always try coming back and then he’d leave again?

Yes, exactly.

I also later discovered that I was not the only woman in his life, either (though I suspected as much when I cut him off for good)

He too pulled the same crap with messaging me hearts and sweet nothings. It is meaningless when it comes from someone so erratic and unreliable.

You can't trust people like this not to hurt you, Jay. They are impulsive and care primarily about themselves. You're just along for the ride, temporarily. This isn't the woman you're going to spend your life with.

Edited January 3, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

January 3, 2021

11 hours ago, JayWay said:

I guess because it’s like she’s a person that turned over night. I’ve never seen it before like this.

That's because you don't know this woman very well. It's impossible after only 2 months;

January 3, 2021

11 hours ago, JayWay said:

, what’s purpose sending those messages like with red hearts that she says loves me?

It's friendzoning. It's ego tripping and convincing herself what a wonderful, awesome and compassionate dumper she is.

Yes, your basic rubbish communication. That's why your decision to block is a good idea.

January 3, 2021

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, exactly.

I also later discovered that I was not the only woman in his life, either (though I suspected as much when I cut him off for good)

He too pulled the same crap with messaging me hearts and sweet nothings. It is meaningless when it comes from someone so erratic and unreliable.

You can't trust people like this not to hurt you, Jay. They are impulsive and care primarily about themselves. You're just along for the ride, temporarily. This isn't the woman you're going to spend your life with.

I’m sorry about that. And it went on like that for 3 years with you? Good grief. Talking all this out on here is helping me. It almost feels like I was duped. Like every word she told me was just a lie. Which hurts actually cause I fell for her. Plus trusted her. Plus her knowing how my ex wife left me and our son for another person and how hurtful that was. Plus her telling me she was cheated on tons by her ex. Almost wondering if she’s person that cheated now.

I’m getting gut feeling there’s another guy and when it falls apart she’ll come back to me with swan song. That’s partially my fault though cause I’ve told her I’m always here for her. Duped isn’t best word. I feel used actually. That’s sick too, considering I knocked walls and boundaries down to show her I really like her and want relationship.

Of course, she said the same. Which was more than likely a lie. I actually want to politely tell her off. I let her meet my son after telling her I have serious rules about that, but she went on and on for me trust her, be vulnerable with her, I’m her dream, and how thankful she is because if not for meeting me she’d be tailspinning even more.

That is sick to do that to a person. I don’t care how selfish person is. Heck, my ex wife is poster image of narcissist personality disorder (it is diagnosed) and she is not even that bad. Really thankful support on here. If not, I would be begging her every other day to come back.

I do care for her as person. She’s a mom. I was really close to my mom before her passing away, so I have much respect for moms. She’s in lower 30’s and I’m few years ahead of her, which makes me pray she gets things right. It’s insulting her sending me red hearts. Forget the crumbs. Forget keeping me on a hook. That’s just so insulting. Hurting a person to that extent.

I don’t wish karma. But I would like to believe people get rude awakenings at critical times in life. I have before. Not wishing ill will. I’m wishing she understands hurting people with reckless ways is not ok. That’s what her kids are learning, which is sad. That’s why I have majority custody in mine is because his mom has no coping skills and everything she does is driven by control, power, deceit. If that makes sense.

She was pushing me to go to her sons soccer games few times. I told her no that’s not fair until her ex is ok with it etc. She said he is because he’s remarried. Anyways, I saw a text from him to her where he told her not to bring me because the kids showed frustration when she mentioned it to kids. And she still pushed me to go. I didn’t go. But after game, I asked her about text. That right there is example of selfishness, and just wanting to get her way.

I feel now, she enjoys drama maybe? Could be wrong. She says she hates conflict and is trying to make everybody happy. I have feeling her ex is pushing her some not be involved with me right now since I take up a lot of her time. He’s like that. Using kids as leverage. Which I understand. She needs to be a mom before anything.

Point is, I think she’s a lost confused more selfish person that makes decisions in moment without thinking about how affects others. Case in point, her ex is married but controls her somewhat but I think it’s because she has massive issues of neglecting kids and such. Even telling me, no matter if it’s few months, it won’t kill you wait and us not officially together right now. That’s just such reckless words. And to say she wants to wake up and know she can work on our relationship - that is so bizarre. That’s not softening the blow. That is legit her confused but also keeping me on hook in case.

I’m so mad at myself I’ve told her few times I’m always here for you worth waiting for. And I don’t have vanity issues, but she’s pretty, but it’s not like she’s drop dead physically amazing. Not trying to sound mean. She actually added around 30-50 lbs past year, letting herself go, taking some meds for bipolar, etc. But, I never judged that. There was something I saw and felt instantly. She did too, allegedly.

It’s been really hard since we texted talked daily from jump then when it got little stressful on her end, she bailed. However, all her issues, insecurities, faults, times she was living in her car during times in with my son, I would leave my house key for her. So that kinda hurts and makes me feel used.

My counselor said she feels thats part reason why she feels she’s going to try come back to me eventually. She said no matter how selfish people are, they always remember and know the people they can manipulate so I better have guard up. Thank you for letting me share.

Edited January 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

January 3, 2021

Just now, JayWay said:

And it went on like that for 3 years with you? Good grief.

Good heavens, no.

It didn't even last a year before I ditched him.

January 3, 2021

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good heavens, no.

It didn't even last a year before I ditched him.

Sorry. Thought somebody mentioned 3 years of coming back and out etc. Well, a year is pretty dang long dealing with that. Can I ask, what were reasons or things he said when he’d come back? Also, totally cool if don’t wanna share, but what made you take him back those times? Was it just you truly cared for him, would work on things, but he would not change? I’m really asking cause seems my situation is parallel/similar and it could go on and on if I believe what she tells me. Assuming cause you probably believed him?

January 3, 2021

Jay,

as a woman, I’ll tell you that she’s friendzoning you. For whatever reason, she is just not that into you. Either that or there is someone else on the picture.

yes, I know she said all these proclamations of love and texted you to wait and she just needs time, etc but the truth is; if she really wanted to be with you, she would. It’s a poor excuse to break up with you because she stared a new job or her kids schedules are changing. That’s bs.

for whatever reason, she’s keeping you in her orbit. It’s selfish. She doesn’t want you but she wants you to be there for her and she wants to know you’re there.

and each text you send to her is turning her off more because yes, it makes you look clingy and desperate.

why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Let’s say you beg and plead and send flowers and call and she finally agrees to get back with you. What then? She’s doing it out of pity?

for your sake, you need to block her and go true no contact. It’s over. I know it’s confusing. And I know it hurts. But this isn’t going to work out. She’s selfish and you’re a willing doormat. Don’t be and hold yourself to higher standards. Validate your own self worth by blocking her and finding someone who will truly want to be with you and who’s actions match their words.

January 3, 2021

1 hour ago, JayWay said:

I’m sorry about that. And it went on like that for 3 years with you? Good grief. Talking all this out on here is helping me. It almost feels like I was duped. Like every word she told me was just a lie. Which hurts actually cause I fell for her. Plus trusted her. Plus her knowing how my ex wife left me and our son for another person and how hurtful that was. Plus her telling me she was cheated on tons by her ex. Almost wondering if she’s person that cheated now. I’m getting gut feeling there’s another guy and when it falls apart she’ll come back to me with swan song. That’s partially my fault though cause I’ve told her I’m always here for her. Duped isn’t best word. I feel used actually. That’s sick too, considering I knocked walls and boundaries down to show her I really like her and want relationship. Of course, she said the same. Which was more than likely a lie. I actually want to politely tell her off. I let her meet my son after telling her I have serious rules about that, but she went on and on for me trust her, be vulnerable with her, I’m her dream, and how thankful she is because if not for meeting me she’d be tailspinning even more. That is sick to do that to a person. I don’t care how selfish person is. Heck, my ex wife is poster image of narcissist personality disorder (it is diagnosed) and she is not even that bad. Really thankful support on here. If not, I would be begging her every other day to come back. I do care for her as person. She’s a mom. I was really close to my mom before her passing away, so I have much respect for moms. She’s in lower 30’s and I’m few years ahead of her, which makes me pray she gets things right. It’s insulting her sending me red hearts. Forget the crumbs. Forget keeping me on a hook. That’s just so insulting. Hurting a person to that extent. I don’t wish karma. But I would like to believe people get rude awakenings at critical times in life. I have before. Not wishing ill will. I’m wishing she understands hurting people with reckless ways is not ok. That’s what her kids are learning, which is sad. That’s why I have majority custody in mine is because his mom has no coping skills and everything she does is driven by control, power, deceit. If that makes sense. She was pushing me to go to her sons soccer games few times. I told her no that’s not fair until her ex is ok with it etc. She said he is because he’s remarried. Anyways, I saw a text from him to her where he told her not to bring me because the kids showed frustration when she mentioned it to kids. And she still pushed me to go. I didn’t go. But after game, I asked her about text. That right there is example of selfishness, and just wanting to get her way. I feel now, she enjoys drama maybe? Could be wrong. She says she hates conflict and is trying to make everybody happy. I have feeling her ex is pushing her some not be involved with me right now since I take up a lot of her time. He’s like that. Using kids as leverage. Which I understand. She needs to be a mom before anything. Point is, I think she’s a lost confused more selfish person that makes decisions in moment without thinking about how affects others. Case in point, her ex is married but controls her somewhat but I think it’s because she has massive issues of neglecting kids and such. Even telling me, no matter if it’s few months, it won’t kill you wait and us not officially together right now. That’s just such reckless words. And to say she wants to wake up and know she can work on our relationship - that is so bizarre. That’s not softening the blow. That is legit her confused but also keeping me on hook in case. I’m so mad at myself I’ve told her few times I’m always here for you worth waiting for. And I don’t have vanity issues, but she’s pretty, but it’s not like she’s drop dead physically amazing. Not trying to sound mean. She actually added around 30-50 lbs past year, letting herself go, taking some meds for bipolar, etc. But, I never judged that. There was something I saw and felt instantly. She did too, allegedly. It’s been really hard since we texted talked daily from jump then when it got little stressful on her end, she bailed. However, all her issues, insecurities, faults, times she was living in her car during times in with my son, I would leave my house key for her. So that kinda hurts and makes me feel used. My counselor said she feels thats part reason why she feels she’s going to try come back to me eventually. She said no matter how selfish people are, they always remember and know the people they can manipulate so I better have guard up. Thank you for letting me share.

From this post, I got a couple of things:

1. There were plenty of red flags during the "honeymoon" period.

2. If your ex-wife has been diagnosed with NPD and your ex-girlfriend has whatever issues she has, you seem to be caught up in a series of unhealthy relationships. My fear is that you didn't give yourself enough time and space to learn from your previous relationship experiences and protect yourself from similar situations. You owe it to yourself to do that.

My thoughts:

You need to take a break from dating and relationships for a very long time: just focus on yourself and your kid. Get better, heal, take time to understand the whys of your relationship choices. Deal with the underlying issues so that you no longer feel attracted to women who will hurt you (and your kid). I believe you mentioned therapy: you're doing good, continue seeing your therapist.

You need to block her. It will be much more satisfying than giving her a piece of your mind. And it will send the message that you're not just hanging around, waiting to be used: you're taking responsibility for your own well-being. In addition, you won't have to deal with any breadcrumbs or insults or manipulation from her. If you haven't already, stop what you're doing right now and go and block her everywhere. Only then will you give yourself the chance to truly heal and start to move on.

Edited January 3, 2021 by Acacia98

January 3, 2021

1 hour ago, JayWay said:

Sorry. Thought somebody mentioned 3 years of coming back and out etc. Well, a year is pretty dang long dealing with that. Can I ask, what were reasons or things he said when he’d come back? Also, totally cool if don’t wanna share, but what made you take him back those times? Was it just you truly cared for him, would work on things, but he would not change? I’m really asking cause seems my situation is parallel/similar and it could go on and on if I believe what she tells me. Assuming cause you probably believed him?

After the first time he "came back," I made it clear that I couldn't be in a relationship with him if he continued to behave that way. He stopped for a little while, promising to be more reliable and he loved me, blah, blah, blah. Like you, I had only known him a couple months and didn't really know what to expect. This is why it's imperative for you to understand that you still don't know this woman that well, either.

I was new in this country, and barley knew anyone local yet, and also didn't speak the language at that time either. He was a local who also happened to speak English very well, and he genuinely was a big help on a few occasions in navigating my new surroundings. He wasn't all bad, as most folks aren't. I cared about him and respected his positive sides. That's what kept me around - at first.

However, as time passed and I could the erratic behaviour wasn't getting any better, I told him that I could not proceed. Like your ex, he too had a chaotic dating history (from what I could surmise), and was frequently in conflict with others - loved ones, colleagues, and so on. I realized pretty quickly that the problem was him. He brought that chaos into the relationship, frequently saying he wanted "space" or some such crap. I had never seen anything quite like it. (Towards the end I suspected he was seeing other women on these occasions, and after we broke up, I was able to confirm that there was at least one other.)

So, I reached a point where I just didn't want to be with him anymore. I'd lost interest in him. I wanted stability, a man I could rely on to be there emotionally, a man who didn't make it difficult to date him, a man who was transparent and respected me. And with that? I closed the door and cut contact. As it happens, we share a mutual friend and I have heard that his marriage is just as unstable and chaotic (he married a couple years after we split, I think)

These people rarely ever change, Jay. You can either accept that things will likely always be unstable and sign on for more heartache - or you can let go. The cozy and stable family life you dream of is not going to happen with her.

January 3, 2021

3 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

Jay,

as a woman, I’ll tell you that she’s friendzoning you. For whatever reason, she is just not that into you. Either that or there is someone else on the picture.

yes, I know she said all these proclamations of love and texted you to wait and she just needs time, etc but the truth is; if she really wanted to be with you, she would. It’s a poor excuse to break up with you because she stared a new job or her kids schedules are changing. That’s bs.

for whatever reason, she’s keeping you in her orbit. It’s selfish. She doesn’t want you but she wants you to be there for her and she wants to know you’re there.

and each text you send to her is turning her off more because yes, it makes you look clingy and desperate.

why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Let’s say you beg and plead and send flowers and call and she finally agrees to get back with you. What then? She’s doing it out of pity?

for your sake, you need to block her and go true no contact. It’s over. I know it’s confusing. And I know it hurts. But this isn’t going to work out. She’s selfish and you’re a willing doormat. Don’t be and hold yourself to higher standards. Validate your own self worth by blocking her and finding someone who will truly want to be with you and who’s actions match their words.

I blocked her. Hearing you say she’s not that into you is mind boggling and beyond hurtful. She did with actions and words so many things a day before this to lead me otherwise. Things like trust me with heart, not going anywhere, be vulnerable with me, your my dream, your reason I’m back on feet headed in good direction, etc. So, I think yes there could be someone else. Very tough pill to swallow as well if case. Typically that will crash burn. Yes, I’m doormat and she does already know that by now when telling her I’m here for you to wait. Then her heart emoji love u other day just insulting knowing how I feel. I’ll continue block. Just felt strongly as hadn’t dated for close to 3 years after divorce, I met someone I felt was “it”. Maybe not “it” but you know. Maybe it’s million times she told me she’s in this for long haul. So, if not that into me, I have zero clue how or when it changed. That’s why could be someone else. My issue is missing her and being in weak state should she come back, I’d have really hard time saying no as absurd as that sounds. Thus, I need to get to place where I could easily tell her no. My family says she realize down road and they are worried because they know right now I’d tell her yes for another shot.

January 3, 2021

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

From this post, I got a couple of things:

1. There were plenty of red flags during the "honeymoon" period.

2. If your ex-wife has been diagnosed with NPD and your ex-girlfriend has whatever issues she has, you seem to be caught up in a series of unhealthy relationships. My fear is that you didn't give yourself enough time and space to learn from your previous relationship experiences and protect yourself from similar situations. You owe it to yourself to do that.

My thoughts:

You need to take a break from dating and relationships for a very long time: just focus on yourself and your kid. Get better, heal, take time to understand the whys of your relationship choices. Deal with the underlying issues so that you no longer feel attracted to women who will hurt you (and your kid). I believe you mentioned therapy: you're doing good, continue seeing your therapist.

You need to block her. It will be much more satisfying than giving her a piece of your mind. And it will send the message that you're not just hanging around, waiting to be used: you're taking responsibility for your own well-being. In addition, you won't have to deal with any breadcrumbs or insults or manipulation from her. If you haven't already, stop what you're doing right now and go and block her everywhere. Only then will you give yourself the chance to truly heal and start to move on.

Totally agree. I gave myself 3 years after marriage. Felt was in great headspace. I’ve always been “doormat”, forgiving type guy. My therapist says “if I wasn’t old and your therapist I’d date you, you are genuine, and would exhaust yourself to make relationships works, it’s a good trait but it’s also your downfall right now”. She’s blocked. All other relationships I’ve had have been solid. Nothing this hurtful, crazy, etc. I trusted her though. Told her my past as she did hers (unless it was all lies now), opened my home to her when living in her car, gave her heart because I wanted too and because she practically begged me to trust her with it. I know we moved very fast. We were both ok with it. I should’ve moved slower. Which oddly, I did though go slower as I pushed back on her many instances. About kids, living together, etc. I told her I can’t get hurt and won’t allow myself to hurt her. She said trust me. So, I did. She felt insecure about her weight, I told her I’ll support help however she feels she needs to work on it and it doesn’t matter if she’s million pounds or 1 pound. First time she said she loved me, I told her when I say that I’m not saying it as a feeling. When I love a woman it’s a way, it’s sacrifice, it’s give give give each side, it’s taking bullet for her if needed. She agreed. I felt (still feel) different than ever and do love her. She seems to be one that doesn’t value what it means per say. Trust me too, any guy or woman in my spot, would’ve told her it’s over by at least the 3rd date. Sure, there’s flags, I saw them and trusted her. Which she told me nonstop how greatful she is meeting me and falling for me. And told her mom and her ex about me and how she’s never felt this way. Again, maybe it was lies. Doesn’t help my pain per say. I feel it was all just a lie by her. That’s crappy when she’s a freakin mom/parent herself and knows hurt she’s been through and me as well. I truly wanna give benefit doubt that she just needs time. My sister and her husband did. They moved fast then called things off. Got back together after 9 months. They both weren’t healed from their previous marriages. But, seems there’s too much red flags to give benefit doubt. Speaking of another guy, she made clear there was not. Again, is that to be believed? Her mom also told her few days before this how happy she is that she met me as I’ve had such impact on her. Again, is that believable? I guess it’s insane a person could lie that much. That stings. Almost like every text or word or action she did was fake. According to her it’s real or was real.

January 4, 2021

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

After the first time he "came back," I made it clear that I couldn't be in a relationship with him if he continued to behave that way. He stopped for a little while, promising to be more reliable and he loved me, blah, blah, blah. Like you, I had only known him a couple months and didn't really know what to expect. This is why it's imperative for you to understand that you still don't know this woman that well, either.

I was new in this country, and barley knew anyone local yet, and also didn't speak the language at that time either. He was a local who also happened to speak English very well, and he genuinely was a big help on a few occasions in navigating my new surroundings. He wasn't all bad, as most folks aren't. I cared about him and respected his positive sides. That's what kept me around - at first.

However, as time passed and I could the erratic behaviour wasn't getting any better, I told him that I could not proceed. Like your ex, he too had a chaotic dating history (from what I could surmise), and was frequently in conflict with others - loved ones, colleagues, and so on. I realized pretty quickly that the problem was him. He brought that chaos into the relationship, frequently saying he wanted "space" or some such crap. I had never seen anything quite like it. (Towards the end I suspected he was seeing other women on these occasions, and after we broke up, I was able to confirm that there was at least one other.)

So, I reached a point where I just didn't want to be with him anymore. I'd lost interest in him. I wanted stability, a man I could rely on to be there emotionally, a man who didn't make it difficult to date him, a man who was transparent and respected me. And with that? I closed the door and cut contact. As it happens, we share a mutual friend and I have heard that his marriage is just as unstable and chaotic (he married a couple years after we split, I think)

These people rarely ever change, Jay. You can either accept that things will likely always be unstable and sign on for more heartache - or you can let go. The cozy and stable family life you dream of is not going to happen with her.

That sounds identical to this. She’s had numerous jobs and there’s always issues with jobs. Her family and her usually have some sort of drama. She’s dated a lot, 2 marriages that didn’t work, she’s been cheated a bunch by her ex husband and she would always go back to him, she’s been in and out with her kids past year or so, she was kicked out of her parents house living in car.

What’s crazy is you said you wanted stability, him to be there for you emotionally, transparent and respected me. What’s crazy about that is she said same similar and I gave those things to her and then some. So what’s the common denominator? Her. She hates being told what to do, can be bratty if doesn’t get way. Maybe that plays part in me with her. Just how you said chaotic, it’s exactly what she’s done.

She told me she drove to Florida for a date when she was at low point. She also said she never cheated on anyone she came close but dumped the guy and regretted it, but he wanted nothing to do with her after he found out and she tried going back. Again, she told me all that was behind her as it was during her dark period.

Ok, typing this, maybe there’s more red flags? I just don’t see what purpose it serves telling another so many deep emotional things then cutting it abruptly. It’s strange because she would tell me things and then always say “you think I’m crazy and wanna leave now right”. Then she’d say she’s scared ruining us and she doesn’t want that to happen as she’s in this for long haul. Almost like she can’t commit or knows she’ll hurt someone? Just all is very strange.

As you said, never seen anything like it with your ex boyfriend. It’s same thing for me. Except she hasn’t came back again (yet) and I’m not in my head slamming door. But I’m getting there typing all this out. And I’m sure she’d come back, she’d just leave again and tell me again “don’t disappear, I’m not blocking you”.

Another odd thing, I told her that night she can block me because I will struggle not texting her how I miss her, beg her etc since I want no part of it and since it makes zero sense. She was angry I suggested it. Actually the words were - “I will not block you and you won’t block me, we are going to talk, it’s not like forever, I’m not saying it’s forever, I just need to do this right now, see from my perspective”. Holy cow. She legit said that. So strange.

I’d agree with notion another mentioned that she doesn’t want me right now, but she wants me to sit wait for her. I care for genuinely as human being so I’m almost concerned for her. Very odd she fought me on blocking me and or her etc. Guess that’s how keep person on back burner.

Edited January 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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January 4, 2021

Jay,

You sound like you’re improving! You may not think so but from what you’ve written you seem to be thinking much more clearly. Keep up the good work. Vent here when you need to instead of engaging with your ex. It WILL get better.

January 4, 2021

Keep it up! Now you’re thinking more constructively.

hinestly, if you keep her blocked, you will be amazed at the red flags you missed as time goes on. Once the rose colored glasses are off, you’ll be kicking yourself because you missed so many.

time is your friend here. You just have to stay strong and take it day by day. You’ll notice as each week goes by, you’ll be thinking of her less and less. Don’t settle for someone treating you this way.

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I was stunned girlfriend called it off right now, 6 days NC, I'm in misery like never before, will she reach out to me?

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