elaine567 Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 19 hours ago, Emilyinroses said: two guys I dated in the past used sex to manipulate me: one said he wanted to wait to have sex when he saw I wanted it as a way to control me and want him more, and another one I was dating for 4 months and he was travelling the next day for one week, we were on the sofa kissing and about to have sex and he stopped and said it’s better if we wait until he comes back (we had sex before many times), and I felt he was also doing it on purpose to make me wait for him and want him more. And it worked, because in both cases I was left feeling ugly and desperately waiting for them to come back and fuc* me so I could get the validation and relieve I need it. Any other woman with a good self-esteem would dump them straight. Both these two guys were very controlling and they saw they could manipulate me through sex so they used it. Most women seek validation through sex, few women want to be turned down by a man. She wants to be seen as hot and sexy, she doesn't want him to reject her. What these two guys did to you is quite common in abusive controlling men. their objective is to make a woman feel "less than" and there are few easier ways than to make her feel undesirable. Even women with good self esteem can be damaged by being sexually rejected. He can then at a later date build her up, she is sooo relieved and grateful, only to find he will reject her again. He then starts the whole push and pull technique and that results in addiction, the highs are so high and the lows are so low... She starts losing her mind and he is in total control. 2 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted December 27, 2020 Author Posted December 27, 2020 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Most women seek validation through sex, few women want to be turned down by a man. She wants to be seen as hot and sexy, she doesn't want him to reject her. What these two guys did to you is quite common in abusive controlling men. their objective is to make a woman feel "less than" and there are few easier ways than to make her feel undesirable. Even women with good self esteem can be damaged by being sexually rejected. He can then at a later date build her up, she is sooo relieved and grateful, only to find he will reject her again. He then starts the whole push and pull technique and that results in addiction, the highs are so high and the lows are so low... She starts losing her mind and he is in total control. Yes both of them were like that. The fact they admitted they did it when we broke up (I dated one after the other) opened my eyes too. I remember feeling worthless when they rejected me for sex. It triggered my feelings when I was a child and my father would reject me emotionally. Fortunately I think I never had my self esteem completely ruined because although I would ignore red flags in the beginning for the validation, later I would get fed up of their behaviour and would break up. At the time though I didn’t realize I was seeking their validation, but I am now.
poppyfields Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said: That is why now I decided to focus on the connection and how the person is, and seeking validation in myself. I'm curious how you managed to achieve such insight on your own? Without therapy? I did as well for the most part, again through reading some great books (not self-help fluff) but powerful writings by reputable authors. Have you read anything by Dr. Brene Brown? She has written about vulnerability, allowing ourselves to feel and be vulnerable with our partners, truly powerful, check her out. Edited December 27, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) 32 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Most women seek validation through sex, few women want to be turned down by a man. She wants to be seen as hot and sexy, she doesn't want him to reject her. Even women with good self esteem can be damaged by being sexually rejected. This is true for many women, and won't deny for me as well. However, after experiencing a long term relationship/engagement with a man I adored wherein the focus was mostly on sex, our sexual attraction and sexual dynamic (i.e addiction), I did a lot of internal work, introspection, reading, therapy. I have told this story before but the test came when I met my now fiance and basically threw myself at him on one our early dates and he turned me down! Long story but most if not all his past relationships were focused on sex as well, so HE wanted to wait. I am serious when saying I did not feel rejected or less sexually desirable. Not even a little! I had discovered my sexuality and desirability from within, internally. Truth. And we continued to date, and had sex on our ninth date. So while I do agree with the above quote, that need for validation through sex can be overcome. I'm living proof. Edited December 27, 2020 by poppyfields
Author Emilyinroses Posted December 27, 2020 Author Posted December 27, 2020 19 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I'm curious how you managed to achieve such insight on your own? Without therapy? I did as well for the most part, again through reading some great books (not self-help fluff) but powerful writings by reputable authors. Have you read anything by Dr. Brene Brown? She has written about vulnerability, allowing ourselves to feel and be vulnerable with our partners, truly powerful, check her out. I have been on a self awakening and development journey, so I am always looking to leave unhealthy patterns and evolve. You would be amazed at how I was 10 years ago and now. So I am always reading, going within to check with myself how I feel, etc. And then one day I have the click about something and it becomes clear to me. I don’t feel I need therapy as this is something I help myself with successfully. As soon as a pattern becomes conscious (and the why’s behind it), it is released. This is actually more powerful than therapy. I haven’t read about that author, but will research it, thank you! 1 1
Author Emilyinroses Posted December 27, 2020 Author Posted December 27, 2020 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: This is true for many women, and won't deny for me as well. However, after experiencing a long term relationship/engagement with a man I adored wherein the focus was mostly on sex, our sexual attraction and sexual dynamic (i.e addiction), I did a lot of internal work, introspection, reading, therapy. I have told this story before but the test came when I met my now fiance and basically threw myself at him on one our early dates and he turned me down! Long story but most if not all his past relationships were focused on sex as well, so HE wanted to wait. I am serious when saying I did not feel rejected or less sexually desirable. Not even a little! I had discovered my sexuality from within internally. Truth. And we continued to date, and had sex on our ninth date. So while I do agree with the above quote, that need for validation through sex can be overcome. I'm living proof. Wow that is amazing! I am the one now who wants to wait. 1
Miss Spider Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: This is true for many women, and won't deny for me as well. However, after experiencing a long term relationship/engagement with a man I adored wherein the focus was mostly on sex, our sexual attraction and sexual dynamic (i.e addiction), I did a lot of internal work, introspection, reading, therapy. I have told this story before but the test came when I met my now fiance and basically threw myself at him on one our early dates and he turned me down! Long story but most if not all his past relationships were focused on sex as well, so HE wanted to wait. I am serious when saying I did not feel rejected or less sexually desirable. Not even a little! I had discovered my sexuality from within internally. Truth. And we continued to date, and had sex on our ninth date. So while I do agree with the above quote, that need for validation through sex can be overcome. I'm living proof. But poppy, wouldn’t it be different if he was not interested in building a emotional part of a relationship with you either and just rejected you for sex. If he just said do not want.. I guess it’s vastly different than a guy saying, wow, let’s slow down.... Although, I have been in the position before where I wasn’t sure if the guy really liked me or not because he hadn’t kissed me in X many dates. And I was a bit offended by it until we kissed. NGL I guess it’s true what Elaine says, that most people seek little bit of validation within their partner finding them sexually attractive.I don’t think it is just women, but maybe more because they tie so much value or their physical /sexual desirability sometimes. I never saw it as seeking validation from sex. But I guess if it was absent, it would bother me. Anyway , I admire anyone who is able to overcome patterns of thinking that are negatively impacting their life. It’s not easy, but it’s proof that it can be done Edited December 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: But poppy, wouldn’t it be different if he was not interested in building a emotional part of a relationship with you either and just rejected you for sex. If he just said do not want.. I guess it’s vastly different than a guy saying, wow, let’s slow down.... Yes. Poppy. Your validation came from him wanting to build something with you. That superseded your need to be seen as desirable and sexy. That second tier of need stroked your ego better than him saying he loved your boobs... 2
poppyfields Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Yes. Poppy. Your validation came from him wanting to build something with you. That superseded your need to be seen as desirable and sexy. That second tier of need stroked your ego better than him saying he loved your boobs... Oh yes totally agree! I was only speaking to validation through sex, but yeah we all need validation from our partners on some level. 2
Emilie Jolie Posted December 28, 2020 Posted December 28, 2020 On 12/26/2020 at 10:46 PM, Emilyinroses said: It’s also like I never allowed myself to truly connect emotionally with any man because my goal was always to seek validation through a man’s attention. Hi Emily I relate to this 100% - not the sex part necessarily, and not for the exact same reasons (very same profile with abusive relationships that I left for similar reasons, though if anything, my father was far too present in my life to the point of stifling), but definitely the seeking validation from men part; especially those in a position of authority, even at work. Also realised I have been having huge issues showing vulnerability or sharing emotional intimacy in relationships. Had the very same wake-up call recently, actually! Slowly but surely figuring out how to improve my own self-esteem in my own eyes (a recurring issue of mine too) and seeing the value of what I do - very much a work in progress at this point! I also agree once you find the pattern and the reason behind it, therapy is not that necessary - you can work on yourself to consciously avoid falling into the same cycle. That's also what I'm trying to do. I've not been single long enough to apply that newfound wisdom concretely in a romantic context but now have a much clearer idea of how to proceed when / if the time comes; I'll also be applying this more generally in other areas of my life. Good luck on your own journey and thank you for this thread - both a great help and an inspiration .
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