I realized I use sex for validation

[Emilyinroses]

Hi guys, apologies if this is not the right place to post this, but wasn’t sure where.

After many years I finally realized I use sex as form of self validation.

I went on many first dates this year that didn’t go to second dates and I would always feel rejected and depressed about it, like my self-worth is tied to it.

Then I met this one guy, the sexual attraction was huge and on our second date I invited him to mine with the intention to have casual sex.

He said no and I felt crushed. Rejected, ugly. 

I told this to a friend and she said to me that I use sex as a means to an end. The end being validation that I am beautiful, valuable, attractive, sexy, that I am being seen and loved!

OMG this was an eye opener and I am thanking this guy for saying no! 

This makes so much sense and explains how two guys I dated in the past used sex to manipulate me: one said he wanted to wait to have sex when he saw I wanted it as a way to control me and want him more, and another one I was dating for 4 months and he was travelling the next day for one week, we were on the sofa kissing and about to have sex and he stopped and said it’s better if we wait until he comes back (we had sex before many times), and I felt he was also doing it on purpose to make me wait for him and want him more.

And it worked, because in both cases I was left feeling ugly and desperately waiting for them to come back and fuc* me so I could get the validation and relieve I need it. Any other woman with a good self-esteem would dump them straight.

Both these two guys were very controlling and they saw they could manipulate me through sex so they used it.

I do want a healthy relationship with a nice man, and I just realized why I could not have one before.

Also all my attempts in having casual sex always ended in self-loathing and depression afterwards when reality sets in that those guys do not really give a shyt about me.

It’s also like I never allowed myself to truly connect emotionally with any man because my goal was always to seek validation through a man’s attention.

Anyone been through this too and can give me some advice? I feel I have released a major block in me and feel free! 

Edited December 26, 2020 by Emilyinroses

[fred123]

Hey Emily. I think first you have to believe you are gorgeous and I am sure you are. 

Some people use sex as a validation but its probably your self esteem that is low. Ask yourself why that is and how it has got to be low. Then work on that.

Having sex for fun is fine and enjoyable as long as you are doing it for other reasons like you said.

hope your are ok and having a great holidays

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

 she said to me that I use sex as a means to an end. The end being validation that I am beautiful, valuable, attractive, sexy, that I am being seen and loved!

Great insight. The only problem is that it only "validates" that someone likes sex. 

If someone doesn't know you it can't possibly "validate" these other things.

Consider the possibility that you're lonely, like so many these days and that OLD is more often a one-and-done situation than not.

[Blind-Sided]

Well... everything you said could be correct.  BUT... it has nothing to do with your partners... it is 100% to do with you.  There is a few points I want to touch on.

1) Yes... sex to you can be a validating point, and you could be addicted to sex, and the "High" it brings.  You feel like if someone wants to sleep with you... you feel sexy.  But that mental state is crushed when they don't stay for a second date.  AND... when you are denied sex... you start looking for a way to get that "High" again.  For this situation... you could probably use some professional help.  And, you obviously know that's true since talking with your friend opened your eyes to that situation.  But this is all part of your psyche, and has nothing to do with your partners.  And that brings me to the next point....... 

2) This is less about the problem itself... but is more about the way you see things, and are trying to blame other.   You are saying that there was a few guys who "Manipulated you" with sex.  First of all... that's a powerful statement, and is almost accusing abuse of some kind.  The reality is... you don't want to take responsibility for the situation, and you are putting blame on someone other than yourself.   In the case of the guy who was going on a travel.  You say he did that to manipulate you... but maybe he wasn't sure about the relationship... maybe he wasn't in the mood... and since we don't know the entire story... maybe you guys just did it 4 times that morning, and his wang was warn down to a nub. LOL.    In the case of the guy who would stop when you wanted it... that's not "Manipulation"... that's building anticipation !!!

On point 2, I have a personal issue with the automatic label on someone, as I was labeled abusive and manipulative by my medicated, crazy exW.  Sometimes you have to take responsibility for your situations, and not blame others, especially when that assumed manipulation only happened because you gave them the power to make that choice. 

With that said... On a personal note... in my younger life... I knew a couple girls who where like you.  They REALY enjoyed sex... but more than that... any rejection on sex was taken personally.  One of those girls, I didn't date long because it really got annoying that I couldn't be a normal person sometimes. I'm not saying things were inappropriate in public, or around other people... but sometimes I just wanted dinner, and to sit ad watch a movie.   And honestly... When she would start reaching down my pants, and there was 20 min left in the movie... I would get mad because I wanted to finish watching the movie !!!!  But then she would get upset because she felt rejected.  TO be 100% honest... it was tiering dating her, and I eventually broke it off. 

Anyway... just some food for thought.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

You feel like if someone wants to sleep with you... you feel sexy.  But that mental state is crushed when they don't stay for a second date.

I don't understand how OP feels validated when these guys never ask for a second date.  Is it in the sex alone?

[d0nnivain]

@Emilyinroses

If you are using sex for validation this is deeper then something that can be analyzed by amateurs over the internet.  Something has undermined your self esteem & made you question your own value & attractiveness.  You are going to need a qualified therapist to deal with this. 

There are may options for therapy these days including tele-medicine.   Do speak to a competent mental health professional who can help you breka this cycle. 

[salparadise]

17 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

It’s also like I never allowed myself to truly connect emotionally with any man because my goal was always to seek validation through a man’s attention.

That's a shame. I also wonder how your esteem managed to become so low. Is this from childhood? Did your parents diminish your inherent value, or did they emphasize looks and sexiness as being the basis of value? I think this must be from lack of childhood reinforcement of your inherent value. Even if you had negative experiences later on, a solid sense of the core self would probably prevent it from reshaping your entire perspective. I agree with d0nnivain that you need to start working with a good therapist (extra emphasis on good), but I would not expect a quick fix. I'd also suggest finding situations where you can practice relating to men in a nonsexual way, just as fellow humans.  

[Emilyinroses]

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Well... everything you said could be correct.  BUT... it has nothing to do with your partners... it is 100% to do with you.  There is a few points I want to touch on.

1) Yes... sex to you can be a validating point, and you could be addicted to sex, and the "High" it brings.  You feel like if someone wants to sleep with you... you feel sexy.  But that mental state is crushed when they don't stay for a second date.  AND... when you are denied sex... you start looking for a way to get that "High" again.  For this situation... you could probably use some professional help.  And, you obviously know that's true since talking with your friend opened your eyes to that situation.  But this is all part of your psyche, and has nothing to do with your partners.  And that brings me to the next point....... 

2) This is less about the problem itself... but is more about the way you see things, and are trying to blame other.   You are saying that there was a few guys who "Manipulated you" with sex.  First of all... that's a powerful statement, and is almost accusing abuse of some kind.  The reality is... you don't want to take responsibility for the situation, and you are putting blame on someone other than yourself.   In the case of the guy who was going on a travel.  You say he did that to manipulate you... but maybe he wasn't sure about the relationship... maybe he wasn't in the mood... and since we don't know the entire story... maybe you guys just did it 4 times that morning, and his wang was warn down to a nub. LOL.    In the case of the guy who would stop when you wanted it... that's not "Manipulation"... that's building anticipation !!!

On point 2, I have a personal issue with the automatic label on someone, as I was labeled abusive and manipulative by my medicated, crazy exW.  Sometimes you have to take responsibility for your situations, and not blame others, especially when that assumed manipulation only happened because you gave them the power to make that choice. 

With that said... On a personal note... in my younger life... I knew a couple girls who where like you.  They REALY enjoyed sex... but more than that... any rejection on sex was taken personally.  One of those girls, I didn't date long because it really got annoying that I couldn't be a normal person sometimes. I'm not saying things were inappropriate in public, or around other people... but sometimes I just wanted dinner, and to sit ad watch a movie.   And honestly... When she would start reaching down my pants, and there was 20 min left in the movie... I would get mad because I wanted to finish watching the movie !!!!  But then she would get upset because she felt rejected.  TO be 100% honest... it was tiering dating her, and I eventually broke it off. 

Anyway... just some food for thought.

First of all I am not blaming any guys. I was talking about me, not them. Me seeking validation through sex. And attention, feeling sexy, etc.

Those two guys did use sex to manipulate me because both of them admitted it when we broke up.

They were insecure and controlling and they knew I seek validation through feeling wanted and desired, so they used it as a way of control. It wasn’t my imagination.

But it makes me question why I accepted that behaviour when I knew what they were doing. And now it is very clear: my self worth was attached to them wanting me, so by making me wait they got me wrapped around their fingers. I was eager to get that validation from them.

This is deeper than just sex though. Even if I am just talking to a guy online I feel validated as in ‘someone finds me interesting and gives me attention’. 

It’s like I crave it as a drug to feel good. 

And it’s ridiculous because I don’t even know these guys! 

My entire thread is about me taking responsibility.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Emilyinroses

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

My entire thread is about me taking responsibility.

Understood & good for you!  But you have to do a deep dive into how you got here which may take more then a massage board.  You will need to analyze your relationship with your parents & extended family as well as your earliest relationships. 

I used sex for validation in college.  In my small town HS I was the smart one & boys teased me for being ugly / plain.   In college when everybody was smart I came to realize that I was attractive but I figured that out by making a lot of mistakes too.  When rejected I just got another beer & moved on to the next boy.  It was college.  There was plenty of beer & boys.  I didn't get upset but eventually I outgrew those bad choices.

You have been on this merry go round longer then I was & you don't seem to know that cause, whereas I did.  So figure out why you do this & then you should be able  to stop. 

[Emilyinroses]

9 minutes ago, salparadise said:

That's a shame. I also wonder how your esteem managed to become so low. Is this from childhood? Did your parents diminish your inherent value, or did they emphasize looks and sexiness as being the basis of value? I think this must be from lack of childhood reinforcement of your inherent value. Even if you had negative experiences later on, a solid sense of the core self would probably prevent it from reshaping your entire perspective. I agree with d0nnivain that you need to start working with a good therapist (extra emphasis on good), but I would not expect a quick fix. I'd also suggest finding situations where you can practice relating to men in a nonsexual way, just as fellow humans.  

Yes I know where it comes from.

My father was emotionally unavailable and detached and I spent years trying to get his attention and validation.

Later on when I grew up I was really beautiful and fit (still am), and so getting men’s attention and desire through that was easy. So it kinda like a substitute for the attention and validation I never got. 

It was like that was the only thing I had to give to a man because that was the only thing that was easy to get attention. Zero effort from my side. 

So I never really tried to connect with any man at other levels because I always felt they would lose interest, so everything was always superficial.

There was one guy who I went deeper emotionally but I found him annoying and ran away.

I think that having the consciousness and clarity about this is what I need to overcome it and move on. A therapist might help but I don’t feel it. I prefer to go deep inside me and work on myself.

And is funny because I do not seek validation anymore from men. It’s like that pattern is gone. I am seeking validation from myself.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Emilyinroses

[d0nnivain]

You need to find ways to validate apart from your looks

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand how OP feels validated when these guys never ask for a second date.  Is it in the sex alone?

I felt validated when they wanted me. When they wanted a second date and have sex with me.

Anytime a guy would not want a second date I would feel crushed, when a normal person wouldn’t give a shyt and move on. 

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to find ways to validate apart from your looks

Yes that’s what I am doing now. All the attention, love, care, affection, I learned how to give it to myself and others. So I know my value now.

This is not something out of the blue. I have been on a massive awakening and evolution self journey and I feel this is a pattern I was still holding on to that needed to go.

It was at an unconscious level up until now, and now that it is conscious it’s leaving.

I didn’t need a therapist, I needed to be conscious of it.

[salparadise]

12 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes I know where it comes from.

My father was emotionally unavailable and detached and I spent years trying to get his attention and validation.

Later on when I grew up I was really beautiful and fit (still am), and so getting men’s attention and desire through that was easy. So it kinda like a substitute for the attention and validation I never got. 

It was like that was the only thing I had to give to a man because that was the only thing that was easy to get attention. Zero effort from my side. 

So what you're saying is that your father didn't validate and express unconditional acceptance, and you experienced that sexuality was the shortcut to male attention, which you craved. It makes sense. So many young girls grow up either not being valued for who they are (intrinsic value), or they are rewarded for being cute, which after adolescence translates to sexiness. They also commonly make the mistake of rewarding kids for performance but not intrinsic value, which often produces people pleasers.

I suspect that you are underestimating how deeply seated this is, and your ability to change without help. Health relationships are hard to create even when the underlying factors are in place. And time moves along at a surprisingly quick pace.

 

[Miss Spider]

Sex is probably the worst barometer to use for self-worth if you are a woman. Some men will sleep with near anything if that’s all it is....(If you don’t believe me use a fake dating profile)I doubt the guy who rejected you rejected you for sex because of your looks. Probably based on some other principle he had. 
 

Work self-esteem and value yourself for other things besides what men think of you. Focus on things that will lead to long-term fulfillment

Edited December 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

EmilyRose this isn’t something you can conquer on your own. As salparadise pointed out, there are deep underlying issues that a therapist can help you get to, give you the tools to cope with, and guide you how to change your perception around self validation and sex, so that you stop choosing these emotionally unavailable men. 

You are choosing emotionally unavailable men who see your trigger or weakness as being sex, b/c you don’t know how to navigate that part of relationships correctly. Since your dad was emotionally unavailable, you are choosing the exact same type of men as your dad, b/c subconsciously, that’s your baseline. That’s what you are used to. We recreate our childhood parental relationships with all of our adult relationships. It’s just how life works. 

It’s awesome that you are conscious of your pattern now. But you can’t just stop having sex prematurely, and feel “cured.” I think that a therapist will really help you understand and will help you change your behavior. This isn’t one of those easy-fix problems. 

[poppyfields]

Hi Emily, research sex addiction and love addiction, both are very real addictions many people, both men and women, struggle with.

We all need validation on some level, that's normal.  But when it becomes an obsessive need for emotional survival, such that when denied these things, you become "devastated," (your word) that's when you know it's unhealthy and need help.

Acknowledgement is the first step, just like with any addiction.  Which you've done, you owned it's a problem. 

Second step is resolving.  Up to you how you wish to accomplish this.  

I do know such issues run very deep and it's near impossible to resolve on one's own.  It's not enough to admit, I have low self-esteem, you need to find the root cause. 

There are excellent books on the subject written by reputable psychologists and doctors, you can start there.  Reading such books helped me tremendously!  

I have also been in therapy, still am off and on.  No meds!  Just talk therapy.

I had to go through a few therapists to find a good one so be careful. I recently read a Harvard study claiming the wrong therapist can make you worse!  Which may be why many people don't believe in it or trust it, which makes sense. 

But it helped me a lot, but it did take awhile. 

Anyway, such issues/addictions run deep and can be hell to kick, so good luck. xo

Edited December 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes that’s what I am doing now. All the attention, love, care, affection, I learned how to give it to myself and others. So I know my value now.

This is not something out of the blue. I have been on a massive awakening and evolution self journey and I feel this is a pattern I was still holding on to that needed to go.

It was at an unconscious level up until now, and now that it is conscious it’s leaving.

I didn’t need a therapist, I needed to be conscious of it.

I read this after I posted, this^ sounds excellent, very positive!

Stay the course, continue the journey, and enjoy the process. 

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I read this after I posted, this^ sounds excellent, very positive!

Stay the course, continue the journey, and enjoy the process. 

Thank you!

I met a guy recently and we both wanted to have sex quickly, and then I stopped to think about it and realised the pattern again.

I was attracted to him but I also taking a short cut to get the validation. 

I decided to get to know him better and connect with him at other levels. In other words, kick the need for validation out and really get to know him.

If he wants the same fine, if not, I don’t lose anything. But I believe this is also a good way to stop the pattern. 

[smackie9]

I know someone just like you. It went on for years, but also cheated many times while in a long time relationship. It was with coworkers, strangers at the bar, etc. Even with my show of gentle concern (she face palms me a lot when I try to say anything)  she told me she couldn't help herself. One day, and I'm guessing she finally got counseling turned herself around. Her stuff stemmed from childhood. Maybe it would help you OP to take a look back to help you on your journey to heal, and go forward.

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I know someone just like you. It went on for years, but also cheated many times while in a long time relationship. It was with coworkers, strangers at the bar, etc. Even with my show of gentle concern (she face palms me a lot when I try to say anything)  she told me she couldn't help herself. One day, and I'm guessing she finally got counseling turned herself around. Her stuff stemmed from childhood. Maybe it would help you OP to take a look back to help you on your journey to heal, and go forward.

Thank you. I never cheated on anyone and didn’t have sex with too many different men. 

Sometimes just their attention and feeling desirable was enough. 

[smackie9]

I know her case was pretty extreme. She also suffers from depression which in turn made her find solace in food as well as attention from men, very low self esteem. She's doing really well now.

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, smackie9 said:

I know her case was pretty extreme. She also suffers from depression which in turn made her find solace in food as well as attention from men, very low self esteem. She's doing really well now.

Good to know she is fine now. 

Yes I understand that with food too. With me was exercise to keep fit and desirable. 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I wanted the ones that would also give me attention and I felt seen. 

Well, much of that attention can be disingenuous, a means to an end.

But once you find validation internally versus externally, you will understand the difference between a man interested in you as a woman and human being and a man interested in getting his own rocks off and/or seeking his own validation through various sexual experiences.

Edited December 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well, much or that attention can be disingenuous, a means to an end.

But once you find validation internally versus externally, you will understand the difference between a man interested in you as a woman, a human being, and a man interested in getting his rocks off and/or seeking his own validation through sexual experiences.

Yes absolutely. And I met a few men that also wanted the attention and to be seen as validation from a woman, not just the sex.

But I imagine that a dynamic between two healthy people relating is more about sharing, a true desire to connect, emotional intimacy and vulnerability, and not about validation. 

That is why now I decided to focus on the connection and how the person is, and seeking validation in myself. 

Edited December 27, 2020 by Emilyinroses