How can you ever take back an ex, especially if they didn't think you were good enough?

[timble9]

Hi everyone, I've been posting here for a few days about my break up with my ex of 3 years and have more or less accepted it, so thank you all for the advice. I've blocked her contacts and have started the process of moving on, but I'm just getting plagued by thoughts of the future. The last we spoke she basically let me know that she still loves me but doesn't see us having a future together right now as we're on different "paths", now this is where I'm getting a bit mixed up.

For our entire relationship we have been on the exact same path and journey. We met during our degree, became great friends and developed into lovers. We went on prac together and got through a grueling 6 months of full-time unpaid work together. Now this year, we had both started our careers in the same field and were advancing these careers together. Now she says we're on different paths because she wants to start a family (not now but in the next few years), which is what I want as well. However she seems to want somebody who is already established (has a stable career, house and wants to have kids as soon as she is ready for it) and is no longer interested in continuing the journey with me. 

I understand that given she has just turned 30 and I'm only 27, she has her biological clock and what not working against her and she needs to feel like she is not wasting her time. She is holding onto the notion that one day things might work out between us in the future because she loves me, thinks we complement each other so well and can't find fault with me apart from the current stage of life I'm at. But if I'm such a great catch in her eyes, how can she just give up on us? How can I possibly acknowledge that in the future we might be together? For me, we've been on this journey together as a couple which would naturally progress to having a life together in the future. How can I accept that she is now going to look for another man who is older and already has his s*** together, expect me to be getting my s*** together whilst she is loving another man and then if she fails in her pursuit of finding someone better than me, come back to me and expect me to welcome her as if it was "meant to be". I'm just so angry and confused right now.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, timble9 said:

 but doesn't see us having a future together right now as we're on different "paths"

This is code for no ring.

It means she feels you were coasting along wasting her time without real actions toward a future and commitment.

3 years is long enough time to make up your mind.

The best thing to do is delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You've been together long enough for both of you to know it wasn't and will never work out.

[Acacia98]

44 minutes ago, timble9 said:

 But if I'm such a great catch in her eyes, how can she just give up on us? How can I possibly acknowledge that in the future we might be together? For me, we've been on this journey together as a couple which would naturally progress to having a life together in the future. How can I accept that she is now going to look for another man who is older and already has his s*** together, expect me to be getting my s*** together whilst she is loving another man and then if she fails in her pursuit of finding someone better than me, come back to me and expect me to welcome her as if it was "meant to be". I'm just so angry and confused right now.

You're absolutely right to be angry. In fact, I'm glad that you're angry. She's BSing you, and the healthiest response to being treated that way is anger.

But there's nothing to be confused about there. She's being selfish. She wants to have her cake and eat it. And she expects you to sit there, waiting patiently, while she explores her options and decides whether you "deserve" a commitment from her.

The beautiful thing about the situation is that you have choices. You actually have control over your future. 

 

[Gaeta]

She's feeding you a bunch of BS to make 'herself' feel better about breaking your heart. She does not 'love you' as 2 lovers love each other, she grew attached to you, she recognizes your value but she is not 'in love' with you anymore. A woman in love wants to be with her man no matter what, it's stronger than anything else. It's time to block her and move on. 

[Commongoal123]

On 12/27/2020 at 10:46 AM, Gaeta said:

She's feeding you a bunch of BS to make 'herself' feel better about breaking your heart. She does not 'love you' as 2 lovers love each other, she grew attached to you, she recognizes your value but she is not 'in love' with you anymore. A woman in love wants to be with her man no matter what, it's stronger than anything else. It's time to block her and move on. 

This.

Also, she sounds real petty.  You don't need that.

[Foxhall]

Yes you seem to be getting a raw deal here, 

shes challenging you I suppose to get your shyt together as you say, get your own house show her some definite direction,show her that "you know what you are about " as the saying goes.

Personally Id probably walk away at this point and forget her,  if she was genuine she would indicate interest in the two of you being a team and that  you would build together,

then again if you rise to the challenge she may come back to you,

depends how much you want her I suppose.

 

 

[stillafool]

She more than likely wants to have babies and be a stay at home mom soon.  You're young so keep striving towards your goals and when you do get your shyt together you will find the woman you're supposed to be with.  Let this one go and find her so called dream.

[Emilie Jolie]

 

On 12/26/2020 at 4:39 AM, timble9 said:

For me, we've been on this journey together as a couple which would naturally progress to having a life together in the future

Does she know that? Have you told her that in so many words? Maybe she needed you to commit to her officially, but if you're not sure about the future and she has a clearer idea, she's kind of right - you are on different paths. She doesn't want to take the risk of wasting all her fertile years on a 'possibility'. If you think about it rationally, that makes sense. 

 

[Beachead]

@timble9

 

On 12/25/2020 at 11:39 PM, timble9 said:

She is holding onto the notion that one day things might work out between us in the future because she loves me, thinks we complement each other so well and can't find fault with me apart from the current stage of life I'm at. But if I'm such a great catch in her eyes, how can she just give up on us? 

People do this when they want out, but they're not ready to fully exit yet, because they have doubts they'll find someone "better" for them.  By keeping you on the hook, she gets to minimize the risk of ending up alone and unloved.  The thing is, if you stick around and allow her to do this to you, you disrespect yourself.  If you don't respect yourself, she won't respect you either and it will kill whatever attraction she has left (If there is any) forcing you towards the only option that you have left..to leave.

A fundamental rule in life is to always respect yourself.  Most people will try to simplify their life at your expense.  Don't be naive and think they may have your best interests at heart.  Some may have the character to do that but most don't.  Its ultimately your responsibility to take care of you so treat yourself right.

I've been down this road in the past, a couple of times.  Tried to do the friends thing, after a breakup.  Blew out my 20's on it, and wound up angry and damaged.  It took awhile to heal from it.  Although I learned some valuable lessons, it cost me time.

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How can I possibly acknowledge that in the future we might be together? For me, we've been on this journey together as a couple which would naturally progress to having a life together in the future. How can I accept that she is now going to look for another man who is older and already has his s*** together, expect me to be getting my s*** together whilst she is loving another man and then if she fails in her pursuit of finding someone better than me, come back to me and expect me to welcome her as if it was "meant to be". I'm just so angry and confused right now.

You can't and you shouldn't.  This obviously isn't fair to you as you have a life too and deserve to be with someone who will commit to you the way you require.  By continuing to stay in contact with a woman who broke up with you, you continue to wound yourself everyday and continue to remain stuck in the past.  You will not move on but she will with someone else, and you'll find yourself placeless in her life because you are not familiy, you are not one of the girls, you are not a guy friend and you are not the boyfriend.  Her new boyfriend will not be cool with her ex (You) still being in her life and she will not be willing to jeopardize her new relationship (Which she will be wholeheartedly committed to) by keeping you around, when her boyfriend won't like it.  You'll get phased out.

If it sounds harsh, it's because it is.  There's nothing pretty about it.

You wanted to be with her and that's what you invested 3 years of your life towards.  You did not sign up for friendship and you can't just turn it off just because she doesn't want it anymore.    If she doesn't want you anymore, she can get on with her life, on her own, and leave you to heal.  Your business together is done.

Take care of you now

- Beach

Edited December 30, 2020 by Beachead

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

I am so sorry for your pain and the heartbreak. Especially this time of year when people look forward to the future. Read what @Beacheadsaid over and over.

 

Also - ignore any advice that you don't have your stuff together. This is the internet and people don't read and they even less frequently comprehend (understand) what they're reading. 

 

What she said to you is complete and utter bulls***, totally disrespectful, and utterly fake. You're 3 years younger than her and starting your career at the same time as her. SHE SHOULD BE ALL OVER YOU as what the f was she doing for those 3 years? Sleeping? Failing in school? Switching majors or careers 17 times? As one poster said - she wants to "have her cake and eat it to"...she wants a life that she can't provide for herself and that she thinks you won't be able to provide her - it's a sense of entitlement. And yeah, I agree with the one poster - who knows - maybe she wants to be a stay-at-home mom and wants a mansion, a luxury car, etc. But it's clear what she doesn't want - a real, mature, emotionally healthy, adult relationship with you. Move on. I know it may feel like you wasted time, the pain will never go away  but as Beachy said - you have to start with self-respect. She wants to keep you around as a fail safe and/or a comparison point. And you're neither. Your wants, your needs, your life is just as valuable as hers. Dump her gold-digging ass as we say in the USA and find someone worthy enough of YOU.