Close friend of over 15 years cuts me off

[AgainstAllOdds1]

Over the course of my professional career, some of my friendships have faded due to myself and sometimes them relocating for jobs and it being more difficult to regularly see each other in person. Combine that with COVID-19 this year, and it's become even tougher to see others. However, through it all, my closest friend - who I've known since high school - and I have always kept in touch and regularly hung out. So I was taken aback when he abruptly cut me off about three months ago, and I'm not really sure what would trigger it.

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year. My friend has been seeing a girl, provided they are still together, for about six months. Early on, when he and this girl started dating and they'd see each other nearly every day, he and I still texted regularly and he was telling me how happy he was (he had gone through a divorce a few years back, and was finally getting back into dating). He's met my girlfriend once, seemed to like/approve of her, and asked me if we could do a double-date, which all parties were seemingly looking forward to.

However, in early October, he started acting differently. When I called or texted, he'd briefly respond several days later (when it used to be instantaneous). When I brought up dates for us to double-date, he formally declines ("We are unable to attend. Maybe some other time"). One evening, he wanted me to cancel dinner with my girlfriend that night so he and I can have a late dinner - I immediately declined, but I offered a rain check for two days later, which he accepted.  While he wasn't in a bad mood at the dinner, he seemed reserved. Didn't have much to say, and I probably carried 80% of the conversation.  I asked about his girl and how things were going, he never asked about my girlfriend. I asked him if he was doing ok, he said "yeah everything is good, me and (girl) are good, I'm just busy." Which would be completely valid, if he didn't tell me minutes before he is bored at work and only sees the girl he is dating a couple of days a week - less than when they first started dating due to distance and her working more than during the summer. I texted him the next day saying it was great to meet up, no response. I texted him a few weeks later to catch up, no response. I haven't heard from him since that dinner, nearly three months ago. 

I'm trying to think if I said anything that would have put him off, and I don't think I did. The only thing I feel he might be upset about is that he invited my girlfriend and I to his sister's wedding later in the fall (I've met his sister once ever and don't really know her) - it was a nice gesture, but we politely declined because it was to be a crowded indoor wedding during the pandemic, and we weren't comfortable attending. I sent a gift to the bride and groom as well. When I told him why we couldn't attend, he said he completely understood and it was no problem. But maybe it was a problem? 

Is there anything you see here that could provide a clue to his behavior, and is there really any reason for me to text him in the coming months? As far as I know, he doesn't have any crises going on in his life - no sick family members, no layoffs at his work.

Edited December 26, 2020 by AgainstAllOdds1

[FMW]

I don't see anything in what you've written to give any clear clue to his behavior.  If you've reviewed everything in your mind around the time he seemed to change and nothing stands out, I'm not sure what else to suggest. 

If you have mutual acquaintances maybe you can ask them about him, see if they have say anything that would indicate what the issue might be.  It might not be about you personally, maybe he's withdrawn from others as well and maybe he's just not sharing what the problem is.  Wanting you to cancel with your girlfriend to go out the same night he called is a little odd, maybe something was going on that he needed immediate advice/attention with, and even though you met him a few days later maybe he no longer felt like sharing whatever the problem was and then just withdrew completely.  But obviously that's just a guess and may have nothing to do with what actually happened.       

I would try reaching out again and see how he reacts.  But it takes two for any kind of relationship, so if he continues to be distant, you might have to let it go, at least for now.    

[Wiseman2]

It's not you. It's just whatever is happening in his life.

Just lay back, let the dust settle. Are you social media friends?

 

[AgainstAllOdds1]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

Wanting you to cancel with your girlfriend to go out the same night he called is a little odd, maybe something was going on that he needed immediate advice/attention with, and even though you met him a few days later maybe he no longer felt like sharing whatever the problem was and then just withdrew completely.  But obviously that's just a guess and may have nothing to do with what actually happened.

As much as that would make sense, that wasn't it - he had no pressing issues to discuss. I had asked about double-dating earlier in the week, which was rebuffed. A few days later, he asked meeting up for dinner that night just to hang out. I told him my girlfriend and I had already made plans, to which he then suggested I 1.) Wait a few hours until after he gets off work, which ended up being even later than expected, 2.) Tell my girlfriend I have other plans, but maybe she can join if she wants. Not only was I not cancelling on my girlfriend, but I thought the whole thing was disrespectful towards her. I made the counter-offer for a couple days later, which he accepted.

 

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just lay back, let the dust settle. Are you social media friends?

We're connected on a few of the major social media networks, but haven't communicated on them. One odd event though. Girlfriend and I went on a quick weekend getaway last month, and we posted the same photo of our drinks + background to a story. He replied to her story (they've met once several months ago when a few of us were out) saying he likes the same drink she does. She thought it was weird and didn't respond.

Edited December 26, 2020 by AgainstAllOdds1

[deepthinking]

Not weird to leave a comment.  You wanted his friendship. He gave some

Edited December 26, 2020 by deepthinking

[AgainstAllOdds1]

15 hours ago, deepthinking said:

You wanted his friendship. He gave some

Care to elaborate?

[d0nnivain]

Reach out.  Set up as safe meeting between you two & ask him in person if everything is OK.  

[deepthinking]

20 minutes ago, AgainstAllOdds1 said:

Care to elaborate?

Not in your opening post, but in the second one,  he did communicate, it is the last couple of sentences....

"Girlfriend and I went on a quick weekend getaway last month, and we posted the same photo of our drinks + background to a story. He replied to her story (they've met once several months ago when a few of us were out) saying he likes the same drink she does. She thought it was weird and didn't respond"

Weird, she says, watch your girlfriend, seems she influenced you to see an old buddy as weird. 

Edited December 27, 2020 by deepthinking

[AgainstAllOdds1]

30 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

Not in your opening post, but in the second one,  he did communicate, it is the last couple of sentences....

"Girlfriend and I went on a quick weekend getaway last month, and we posted the same photo of our drinks + background to a story. He replied to her story (they've met once several months ago when a few of us were out) saying he likes the same drink she does. She thought it was weird and didn't respond"

Weird, she says, watch your girlfriend, seems she influenced you to see an old buddy as weird. 

I see what you're saying now, thanks for explaining. I think there's two ways of looking at it. You're right about her possibly influencing. She thought he was pleasant enough when they met, but she doesn't think he has treated me well in the past few months, and has taken it personally. The second part, and I think this is why she/we thought it was weird, is the timing. He last spoke to me in early October. I tried reaching out at least a couple of times since then, to no avail. The comment he sent to her story was in late November, weeks after my previous attempts to reach out. So, I feel she thought it was weird because he and I usually text, I reached out a few times...but he replies to something she publicly posted instead. 

The reason I made the thread is because of the fact he hasn't replied or reached out to me in months, which is very unusual for us. 

Edited December 27, 2020 by AgainstAllOdds1

[deepthinking]

10 minutes ago, AgainstAllOdds1 said:

I see what you're saying now, thanks for explaining. I think there's two ways of looking at it. You're right about her possibly influencing. She thought he was pleasant enough when they met, but she doesn't think he has treated me well in the past few months, and has taken it personally. The second part, and I think this is why she/we thought it was weird, is the timing. He last spoke to me in early October. I tried reaching out at least a couple of times since then, to no avail. The comment he sent to her story was in late November, weeks after my previous attempts to reach out. So, I feel she thought it was weird because he and I usually text, I reached out a few times...but he replies to something she publicly posted instead. 

The reason I made the thread is because of the fact he hasn't replied or reached out to me in months, which is very unusual for us. 

Who can say what shape he is in? Maybe he is not even the same guy he was  but friendships are never "weird" though he could be clinically depressed, say, or just too broke to socialize. I hope you wish him Happy New Year; friends are hard to come by

Edited December 27, 2020 by deepthinking

[AgainstAllOdds1]

Fair point. When I last met up with him, the aloofness was already in its beginning stages. I asked if everything was ok because of the delayed responses, him casually wanting me to cancel plans with my girlfriend to see him, etc., and he said everything is good, he's just been "busy." Maybe like you said he's changed.

[Watercolors]

34 minutes ago, AgainstAllOdds1 said:

Fair point. When I last met up with him, the aloofness was already in its beginning stages. I asked if everything was ok because of the delayed responses, him casually wanting me to cancel plans with my girlfriend to see him, etc., and he said everything is good, he's just been "busy." Maybe like you said he's changed.

You’ve given him ample opportunity to explain his sudden aloofness, and he’s refused. That’s not the sign of a caring friend. A caring friend of 15 years, if irritated with their friend, would elaborate. It’s just that simple. 

His behavior has nothing to do with anything you said or did. His behavior has everything to do with himself. If he can’t be mature enough to talk with you honestly, then your hands are tied. There’s nothing you can do. You’ve already reached out to ask him what’s wrong and he refuses to respond. Which is very immature on his part. 

If he’s offended that you and your girlfriend didn’t attend his sister’s wedding during a pandemic, then he’s pig-headed. You were wise not to attend such a large gathering. I mean, that wedding and the reception were ground zero for Covid spreading around. I’m sure people caught it while at your sister’s wedding and her reception. That would not surprise me at all. 

You can silently let go of his 15 year friendship by no longer reaching out via text or phone calls, no longer commenting on his FB, Insta, etc. and he’ll get the message. Who knows if the pandemic messed up your friendship. Maybe his new girlfriend is occupying his time. Maybe she doesn’t like you or your girlfriend. Who knows what’s caused his sudden detachment with you as his friend of 15 years. You’ve asked him, and he refuses to tell you why. What more can you do? Nothing, really. Except let go.  

[LuckyM]

Try calling him again. Or text. Maybe he is very busy or his GF is keeping him from you. Does she know and like you?  He will not admit that she is interfering My 15 year friendship with a guy is on and off for months. This might just pass over but don't expect total honesty. Unless he is the in your face type. Guys BS each other.  We are like that