floatinghills Posted December 26, 2020 Posted December 26, 2020 I will try to keep this very brief but my ex left me early last year and we're coming up on being broken up for two years. When we first separated, we both went complete NC for about 3 months. After that, we started talking every day again for about 8 months. During our time in contact we texted every day, talked on the phone for hours several times a week, and even hung out. It felt like we were in the friendship stage preceding a relationship again, so I felt hopeful that things were looking up. After those 8 months I began to feel anxious about the uncertainty I felt regarding our relationship and asked how she felt about us. She responded by telling me that she still didn't want to get back together because she was unable to let go of our toxic past together and couldn't trust that things wouldn't end badly again. So, I cut off contact again and went NC for about 5 months. We started talking recently again and she wanted to know if I was ready to be friends or if I needed time. She wants to know if I'm ready for friendship because she doesn't want to get hurt if we continue to talk daily, only for me to leave once more. She says she knows for sure we cannot be together, yet gets emotional at the thought of me leaving and not being in her life. The issue that I'm having is she says one thing, but her actions say something different. She says she doesn't want to be with me because she doesn't want to risk getting hurt again, but she wants to talk to me every day and have a very close friendship. A part of me feels like we have not spent enough time apart after we broke up to really know what it feels like to truly experience life without the other. I want to go back into NC so we could both do this, but her especially because I hope time will allow her to get over our past and find hope that we could actually have a better relationship the second time around. She still holds onto a lot of sadness and anger in regards to our relationship and it's blocking her from being able to see the possibility of a fresh start between us. I don't know if sticking around will only hinder her from being able to heal and truly forgive and forget, or if sticking around and rebuilding all of the trust that has been broken and showing each other how we have both grown will better our chances.
Wiseman2 Posted December 26, 2020 Posted December 26, 2020 6 hours ago, floatinghills said: . She responded by telling me that she still didn't want to get back together because she was unable to let go of our toxic past together Ok, you have your answer. Unfortunately you are wasting time in the friendzone. You need to delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. In the time you've wasted in the friendzone, you could have been out meeting and dating interested women. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 26, 2020 Posted December 26, 2020 You’re the place-holder until she meets her next boyfriend. I guarantee she won’t be so emotional about having you as her security blanket when that happens.
Millennial Posted December 26, 2020 Posted December 26, 2020 Never really understood the staying friends with ex's thing. I don't think it's a very good thing to be doing. Say it and be sort of polite, but don't actually be friends with her imo. 2
BaileyB Posted December 26, 2020 Posted December 26, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, floatinghills said: A part of me feels like we have not spent enough time apart after we broke up to really know what it feels like to truly experience life without the other. You have been broken up for two years!! You still hold onto hope that a friendship will lead to more... She has told you that it won’t. This is exactly why ex’s can’t be friends. How are you going to be friends when she finds another boyfriend - you are not. So, just let her go now... It’s time to move on friend... Edited December 26, 2020 by BaileyB
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 On 12/26/2020 at 12:02 AM, floatinghills said: She responded by telling me that she still didn't want to get back together because she was unable to let go of our toxic past together and couldn't trust that things wouldn't end badly again. This is why you are wasting your time. She is quite happy being your friend and keeping you at arm's length, but she knows it didn't work before and it won't work now. You cannot erase the past, and most once they make the decision to break up, do not want to revisit what they see as a "toxic" relationship. On 12/26/2020 at 12:02 AM, floatinghills said: She still holds onto a lot of sadness and anger in regards to our relationship and it's blocking her from being able to see the possibility of a fresh start between us There is no fresh start possible, you are fooling yourself. We usually only get one chance in the dating game, mess it up and it is all ruined sooner or later. Grieve, heal and move on is my advice. 1 1
dramafreezone Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) Have to walk away and assume it's over for good. Learn your lesson. We're you weak? Jealous? Needy? Ask yourself why those things happened. Work on yourself, put yourself first, and date other women. Ask yourself why this one woman is that important to you? Do you think you're worthy of love, and that you deserve good things? If so, start to act that way. Go to the gym, get in shape and get back out there. Women sometimes come back if they see you've improved yourself. If by chance she comes back, then that's a bonus but you should get your life together because you feel you deserve to have a good life. I know no one can just generate confidence out of thin air, so if you need to fake it until you make it, tell yourself that you're doing these things to get her back. Think about it, you've put your entire life on hold while she's dating and enjoying herself. She was over this relationship before you guys broke up, and you're still holding on to her, this one woman, when there are literally thousands of women that would date you if you met them. In fact it's impossible for you to date every single woman that would date you. Think about it like that and you'll see how ridiculous it is to get hung up on one woman. I can't be completely judgmental because I've been where you are, but really man, take steps to get your life together. Edited December 30, 2020 by dramafreezone
kendahke Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) Quote Is it possible to get an ex back if you two stay friends? No. You do understand that friends talk about the new person they're seeing with their friends, right? You really want to hear her talk about that? There is a reason why you two are ex's and not still together working through your issues. Being "friends" prolongs the inevitable hurt when you find out that using friendship to machine a romantic relationship the other person doesn't want to be in doesn't work. She's got to want to be your woman more than she wants her next breath--and she ain't that one. Don't play yourself. Edited January 1, 2021 by kendahke
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