ld1991 Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 So I'm after some advice, I've been dating this girl for around 3 weeks or just over now... she lives like 15 min away and is the same age as me, 29. I live alone and she lives with her mom as she had to move back home after her apartment got sold due to covid. So in these 3 weeks we have been getting along really well, we have a lot in common, like the same things, wanna do the same things and even have the exact same phone lol. We have been on 3 dates, all which have been great where we kissed at the end.. even got a couple xmas gifts for eachother... when shes been messaging me or voice noting me shes been saying a lot how shes so glad she met me, asking how im single and that shes really enjoying her time with me and excited to see me. We last met like 3 days ago and it was great, after we went home shed message me to say its all great and shes enjoying her time with me, she even planned and booked things for us to do at the end of January. We planned for her to come to my place this sunday after she finishes work then she would come to mine again on new years eve where i was gonna cook for her... shed even been saying shes bought some sexy lingerie for me to see.... then all of a sudden the next morning she starts to go quieter than usual... normally shed message quite quickly.. but i noticed something different in her. She was still talking to me but it wasnt the same... she said her boss had made her feel crap as she has been working so hard and shes not appreciated. Shes also applied for a job thats like 50 min away and has an interview for that next month. Shes an assistant manager at a clothing store in a retail park so she does have some stress in what she does. She said hes like pushing her to the edge now where she cant take it anymore. I offered my support and gave advice and she appreciated it.. on her way to work or back from work she would usually call me for a chat but that day she didnt. Yesterday she was out with her mom shopping but still talked to me.. just not the same, did voice note me to say shes looking forward to spending sunday in my company though... Today shed talk to me again, it was her who started it by saying merry christmas.. after a few hours she told me that she is so sorry but had just checked her rota for work and said that she cant come to mine on sunday as she has to stay in work late as its so busy and they are doing a stock recount after hours. I said thats fine and told her to let me know if shes still coming over for new years and she said that she will let me know. Before it was all i cant wait to see you and cant wait for new years eve... even 3 days ago told me her friend suggested we go with her and her boyfriend to see some fireworks... but now its like she never mentions new years or spending time together. She then texted me saying sorry ive just had an offish few days as i have a lot on my mind and stressed with work. I offered my support and asked whats on her mind and she said oh its fine lets just enjoy christmas. I then said well you know im here to help you through anything and listen.. so please feel free. She then said thank you thats so kind and thoughtful, i just feel a bit down and got a lot on my mind but you know sometimes youre not sure why? ill be fine, its coming to a weird end to the year as well and ive just been contemplating stuff but im good. I dont know how to respond to this? is she going off me? if so how can she go from being totally into me and saying a lot of stuff how happy she is to then the next morning fading away? maybe this is me overthinking as i am bad for that. But do i just give her space? and not even mention new years eve again to her?
Author ld1991 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Posted December 25, 2020 she also messaged me to say shes spoken to her mom, but finds that she deals with this stuff herself... shes struggled in the past with depression and anxiety but normally manages it well. Prefers to keep herself busy and get on with it..and we havent known eachother too long so didnt want to bother me with this stuff or go on about it.. just wanted to say shes feeling a bit down and quiet at the moment and its a weird time right now with all this covid stuff going on.
dangerous Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 Sounds like she has changed, but you don't know whether it's really down to circumstances or if she has issues eg. depression, etc. You have tried being supportive but don't overdo that. If you keep being Mr Nice, she will leave you dangling and maybe just use you when whe's down and drop you when she is up. I'd go quiet on her, let her reach out to you if and when she is ready. And you also need to ask yourself, if someone admits to all this negativity so early on, its a warning that thuis is how it may be long term. Do you really want that? Call me old-fashioned but the early stages of a new relationship are supposed to be fun and not hard work!
dangerous Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 2 minutes ago, ld1991 said: she also messaged me to say shes spoken to her mom, but finds that she deals with this stuff herself... shes struggled in the past with depression and anxiety but normally manages it well. Prefers to keep herself busy and get on with it..and we havent known eachother too long so didnt want to bother me with this stuff or go on about it.. just wanted to say shes feeling a bit down and quiet at the moment and its a weird time right now with all this covid stuff going on. You posted this as I was typing. As I suspected, a history of depression. Run, or be her helper (and be prepared for a lot of pain coming your way). Lucky you found this out so early before you get in too deep. Your call. 1
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 I'd give it till after all the holiday hoopla winds down. This time of year can be a depressing, stressful for many, working in retail especially. Me personally don't see this as an issue. She's coping not too bad TBH. She's not turning to alcohol, she's not phoning in sick and lying in bed day and night, she not snappy or losing it. She's already looking for another job to get out of her situation, but still fulfilling her obligation to her boss. She's doing the best she can. Sometimes you just have to take a backseat, be supportive and ride it out. 1
Author ld1991 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Posted December 25, 2020 Dont get me wrong it all has been fun, easy and no hard work at all... until like 2 or 3 days ago when this episode came along.. she just voice noted me now to say that certain things trigger it and she didnt want to be rude to me by going quiet.. sometimes when she has a lot going on in her life she gets like this she just needs space and to figure it out herself as thats how she normally deals with it.. her friends and family are great but she just needs to figure it out... but doesnt want me to think bad of her and thanked me for being kind. She also thinks the episode with her boss with work the other day may have triggered it as it made her feel bad and anxious all day. Shes still talking to me now but its not like before and im not gonna ask about her coming over... im just gonna go quiet on her i think and only talk if she instigates.. i think me giving her space and not asking to meet up and pushing things like saying i cant wait to see you... (which is what we used to say a lot) is the best way.
Author ld1991 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Posted December 25, 2020 6 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I'd give it till after all the holiday hoopla winds down. This time of year can be a depressing, stressful for many, working in retail especially. Me personally don't see this as an issue. She's coping not too bad TBH. She's not turning to alcohol, she's not phoning in sick and lying in bed day and night, she not snappy or losing it. She's already looking for another job to get out of her situation, but still fulfilling her obligation to her boss. She's doing the best she can. Sometimes you just have to take a backseat, be supportive and ride it out. Yeah maybe im overthinking the whole thing as ive had instincts like this in the past of people going distant with me for no reason and then it breaks off... maybe i just need to let the time pass, dont instigate conversations or ask to meet up and see how it goes. 1
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 Ya it's only for another week. If she bails on you for NYE next her.
Author ld1991 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Posted December 25, 2020 4 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Ya it's only for another week. If she bails on you for NYE next her. well shes not coming over on sunday due to having to stay at work late.. weather thats true or not i dont know.. NYE, if she passes on that after all the times weve spoken about it then ill take it as her not interested. But im not gonna ask her about that night again, ill let her ask me... because ive told her to let me know if shes coming or not so i know weather to buy us food. I guess all I can do now is give her space through not talking about that ant not instigating conversations.
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 I know retail, my dad worked in retail for decades......you do have to put in your hours on weekends especially during the holidays. More so if you are a manager. This year has been a struggle for many retailers, so of course they are going to do whatever it takes to recover lost profit and not have to go out of business.
Author ld1991 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Posted December 25, 2020 45 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I know retail, my dad worked in retail for decades......you do have to put in your hours on weekends especially during the holidays. More so if you are a manager. This year has been a struggle for many retailers, so of course they are going to do whatever it takes to recover lost profit and not have to go out of business. Yeah I get that, and shes worried about the store having to close for a few weeks in january due to the lockdown.. but its more a case of how do I handle all this when shes not talking to me or responding to me like usual.
poppyfields Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, ld1991 said: when shes been messaging me or voice noting me shes been saying a lot how shes so glad she met me, asking how im single and that shes really enjoying her time with me and excited to see me. We last met like 3 days ago and it was great, after we went home she'd message me to say its all great and shes enjoying her time with me, she even planned and booked things for us to do at the end of January. she'd even been saying shes bought some sexy lingerie for me to see.... it was all i cant wait to see you and cant wait for new years eve... OP, read the above and what do you notice? She, she, she, SHE is doing all the emoting, SHE is doing all the initiating, messaging, planning, SHE is making all the effort! What do you do? If she's down or depressed it's not because of her boss, that's an excuse. It's because she, it appears, is doing all the work. Expressing her feelings - how happy she is she met you, can't wait to see you, she's doing the messaging, planning, bought sexy lingerie, etc. And because she is doing most of the work, SHE is losing interest. Jmo and I could be wrong, but what she is needing is for you to step up more. Take more initiative, express your feelings. Take charge more. She needs to know you care, just not going along for the ride. You demonstrate that through your actions, by "doing." The way SHE has been "doing." I know you're "there" for her but so could any friend. Just my take but she needs more from you, and if you don't start stepping up more and taking an active role versus passive, you're gonna lose her. Edited December 25, 2020 by poppyfields
Author ld1991 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Posted December 25, 2020 45 minutes ago, poppyfields said: OP, read the above and what do you notice? She, she, she, SHE is doing all the emoting, SHE is doing all the initiating, messaging, planning, SHE is making all the effort! What do you do? If she's down or depressed it's not because of her boss, that's an excuse. It's because she, it appears, is doing all the work. Expressing her feelings - how happy she is she met you, can't wait to see you, she's doing the messaging, planning, bought sexy lingerie, etc. And because she is doing most of the work, SHE is losing interest. Jmo and I could be wrong, but what she is needing is for you to step up more. Take more initiative, express your feelings. Take charge more. She needs to know you care, just not going along for the ride. You demonstrate that through your actions, by "doing." The way SHE has been "doing." I know you're "there" for her but so could any friend. Just my take but she needs more from you, and if you don't start stepping up more and taking an active role versus passive, you're gonna lose her. You've got this totally wrong, maybe I should have explained it better... its not her doing ALL of the initiating at all. I do myself as well, I have also booked stuff for us to do, ive booked an activity for us and surprised her with it... I also have another surprise for her which she doesnt know about.. she knows she has a surprise but doesnt know what it is... I was going to cook a meal for her on NYE, i dont leave her on read like other guys have in the past and i respond to her in decent time. Shes not doing all of the work at all, our first two dates I booked them and planned them... she planned the third. So what we have its even... She just voice noted me now to say thank you and she appreciates me being understanding. Said that work is crazy busy at this time of year in retail and can be overwhelming and she said she really does appreciate me with me being so nice, and doesnt want me to think shes some sort of crazy woman because shes not.. She said im so caring and thoughtful she's not used to it so sometimes reacts in certain ways and she doesn't mean to. Like I said i think now i need to take a step back, not ask her to come to mine NYE and just not push things... if she wants to come she will i guess.
poppyfields Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 5 minutes ago, ld1991 said: You've got this totally wrong, maybe I should have explained it better... Yes, that would have been helpful. Thank you for clarifying now though, it changes my opinion. I think all you can do is leave her be, let her work things out. It's only been three weeks, so hopefully you haven't become too invested. Let her come to you. Good luck and keep us posted.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 I would relax. Not because anyone knows if it’s all going to be fine, but this is someone you barely know. It’s been 21 days and there are already a lot of heightened emotions and increasingly high expectations. Try to keep some perceptive and don’t get wrapped up too quickly. See what she does of her own volition now. Remember that you are still very much getting to know this person and should pace yourself, 2
Author ld1991 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Posted December 25, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would relax. Not because anyone knows if it’s all going to be fine, but this is someone you barely know. It’s been 21 days and there are already a lot of heightened emotions and increasingly high expectations. Try to keep some perceptive and don’t get wrapped up too quickly. See what she does of her own volition now. Remember that you are still very much getting to know this person and should pace yourself, Yes, maybe I moved to fast im not sure.. shes not been as talkative today but explained why now... she did ask if i want to go for a walk on tuesday if the weather is good as she is off that day.. i guess i will see what comes of it and let her come to me like you said without initiating meeting up too much. Thanks
TooManyDates Posted December 25, 2020 Posted December 25, 2020 In dating your gut is never wrong, if it feels off, it is and all you can do it pull back.
smackie9 Posted December 26, 2020 Posted December 26, 2020 Dude there will be days when a partner is distant, too busy. That's your cue to make sure you both give each other space from time to time because people need to focus on other things rather than your relationship. It is what it is. If you get too clingy or needy, that will make them frustrated and push away. Maybe, just maybe this has been the case in the past. 1
Author ld1991 Posted December 26, 2020 Author Posted December 26, 2020 3 hours ago, smackie9 said: Dude there will be days when a partner is distant, too busy. That's your cue to make sure you both give each other space from time to time because people need to focus on other things rather than your relationship. It is what it is. If you get too clingy or needy, that will make them frustrated and push away. Maybe, just maybe this has been the case in the past. Yes maybe, I guess I will see how it goes and if we do go for a walk on Tuesday. If she doesnt come over NYE I will just chill by myself... im not going to instigate things.
Author ld1991 Posted December 27, 2020 Author Posted December 27, 2020 So we spoke on the phone earlier, she explained how shes had a lot on her mind about work, a new job interview which shes unsure of and the fact shes struggled in the past with depression/anxiety but normally manages it well. She said its weird and shes not sure why she feels like this and maybe its because were coming to the end of a bad year and the lockdowns not helping. She also said that as shes been single for 3 years shes used to having her own space and likes it and feels as we were both planning/booking things that maybe we were going too fast and we should maybe just slow it down. Shes coming to mine on Tuesday and we are going for a walk if the weather is good.. but she said she's looking forward to it. How do I approach all of this? again, do I not even mention meeting for NYE and just meet on Tuesday and let her instigate when we meet next? or do I ask again for NYE? the texting etc has died down to what it was before... its still there but not as much. Do I just stay calm, let her come to me and go with it?? this lockdown wont help now as we cant actually go anywhere until mid January. Can only go for walks or she can come to my house... but yeah see how it goes.
Miss Spider Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 It doesn’t sound like she is “going off” but it sounds like she is losing interest. And yes, it can happen overnight. I’m sorry but people can lose interest for any reason, at any time. There’s really no use contemplating why either. If she is backing off, match her. Give her the space that she needs. I don’t know what happened. Don’t know what’s going on in her life. No one does. Hopefully she will warm up again, but do your thing and don’t count on it. That sucks but you can’t force these things. BTW, is it iPhone 12 teal
poppyfields Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, ld1991 said: She also said that as shes been single for 3 years shes used to having her own space and likes it and feels as we were both planning/booking things that maybe we were going too fast and we should maybe just slow it down. No matter what fluff she said prior, it's THIS^^. What do you do? You pay attention to her words, take them seriously, respect it and her, and behave accordingly. Which means backing off. Enjoy Tuesday because it's planned, and forget NYE. In her eyes, you're being too intense, she is losing interest. You might be able to turn it around by backing off, let her wonder about you a bit. It's a game, a dance of sorts, learn it, perfect it. Otherwise you will lose not only her but other women as well. Good luck. Edited December 27, 2020 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 (edited) I mean dude, it's been a mere three weeks! You're too attached. Relax, enjoy the journey, the process. Edited December 27, 2020 by poppyfields
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2020 Posted December 27, 2020 I would make other plans for NYE, OP. This sounds like it’s about to fizzle out. It sucks, but this is what dating is about. At only 3 weeks, you should be staying calm anyway. You hardly know this woman so it’s never wise to hedge too many bets at this stage. Sounds like for whatever reason, she’s changed her mind and is doing the “soft” exit.
Saracena Posted December 28, 2020 Posted December 28, 2020 3 hours ago, poppyfields said: No matter what fluff she said prior, it's THIS^^. What do you do? You pay attention to her words, take them seriously, respect it and her, and behave accordingly. Which means backing off. Enjoy Tuesday because it's planned, and forget NYE. In her eyes, you're being too intense, she is losing interest. You might be able to turn it around by backing off, let her wonder about you a bit. It's a game, a dance of sorts, learn it, perfect it. Otherwise you will lose not only her but other women as well. Good luck. I agree with this advice expect I don't believe she's necessarily losing interest in you per se. I tend to think she's genuinely going through a tough time and the relationship (remember she's not had someone else to consider in her life for a long time) and it's demands on her time etc are an added 'stress', and pressure, with the result she's feeling somewhat overwhelmed with it all. She has little or no time to breathe! I know because I was in the exact same position once. I really did like the guy a LOT and he too, was very keen, but felt I wasn't in the best place for a relationship. Basically I wanted to give it my best shot but felt so overwhelmed with exams, new work commitments etc and to a certain extent my feeling for him, I wasn't my 'best self' , so to speak. I remember I was always so tired at the time on our dates! So I told him I wanted to slow things down a bit. I would give her plenty of space. It's also important from now on she views you as a source of solace and joy in her life and not another problem/pressure she has to deal with! So for starters, concentrate on making Tuesday a nice, relaxing, enjoyable day for her, so she is really looking forward to spending time with you again!
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