Starting to struggle again

[mark clemson]

On 11/15/2020 at 5:31 AM, Brokendad said:

 I really don't know what's happening with her, but surely in the long run, it makes things better for me as the courts will not want the children being with someone who doesn't seem to have their best interest at heart?!

IMO it makes sense (in your case) that you wouldn't take her back. As far as protecting the kids, I don't know - from what I understand in the US the courts don't always do a good job - lots of inconsistency. I'd imagine that it's your Ex's "right" to date whomever she wants. This is another thing to consider ask a lawyer about + presumably it's necessary to make sure any evidence that "he's not safe for the kids" is actually court admissible. Presumably he will have your wife willing to lie, etc on his behalf. If you're lucky she won't be that interested in her full share of custody anyhow as she's apparently gone a bit off the deep end here, but I don't think you can really count on that. Very messy situation, unfortunately.

[aliveagain]

Listen to your lawyer, carry a  "VAR" on you whenever you interact with her. Document everything, her living with [him] helps your spousal support. Ask your lawyer if you can go for full custody of your children. Find out from your lawyer if you can now change your locks. My guess is she was already cheating on you before she walked out, not that it matters now. Nominate her for "Mother Of The Year" 

Edited November 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Brokendad]

I've already asked again about changing the locks but to no avail, but *touch wood* she hasn't been to the flat for a few weeks now. I just don't get how she can still try and dictate to me when I can see th children, when she hasn't even got them living with her currently! It really doesn't make sense to me. 

All I want in life is to have my own children with me for half the week (I feel they need both parents, as long as their mum decide to change how she's acting and starts to put them first again) and a loving relationship with someone who makes me happy and vice versa, but it just seems that none of that is part of my life's 'destiny' and I'm just going to be constantly disappointed and lonely, while my ex lives her perfect life, happy with her partner, in total control of our children's lives and her bloke taking over as the girls father figure, which is so hurtful to see!

[Wiseman2]

How long do you have to wait for the custody/visitation and child support hearing?

How long do you have to wait, after being separated in order to file for divorce?

This won't be your life forever. Once court ordered child custody is arranged and you're divorced, you can enjoy being a single dad and dating again.

[Brokendad]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long do you have to wait for the custody/visitation and child support hearing?

How long do you have to wait, after being separated in order to file for divorce?

This won't be your life forever. Once court ordered child custody is arranged and you're divorced, you can enjoy being a single dad and dating again.

The first court hearing is late January but it's likely that it'll be march/April time for the final decision to be made by the courts due to the backlogs of cases due to covid. There's no time scale on when I can file for divorce, but I and my solicitor both feel that it's better to focus on one court case at a time and the children are the priority, so the divorce will happen once the custody decision has been made. I've actually been trying to date over the last few weeks or so as I'm really not enjoying the constant loneliness and nobody to talk too every day/night, so I've been trying to meet people on a few dating sites, but no matter how many people I message, I've never had a single reply, which is frustrating. Especially when my ex, who has walked out on her husband, taken their children, denying the dad from having them even though she barely sees them either, can meet a bloke who has anger issues (he's threatened me, shouted at my ex's mum etc) and they can both find happiness straight away, and yet me, who hasn't done anything wrong can't even find someone to talk too!!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Brokendad said:

 There's no time scale on when I can file for divorce. no matter how many people I message, I've never had a single reply, which is frustrating. 

Divorce first and your dating life will improve. No reason to wait unless you are hoping she is just having a fling and will come back. 

[Brokendad]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Divorce first and your dating life will improve. No reason to wait unless you are hoping she is just having a fling and will come back. 

If she tried crawling back to me, I'd tell her where to go, there's no way I'd take her back! If I had two court cases to think about and prepare for, then I'd take my eye off the ball of the most important thing, which is the children and getting my custody of them, which is why I'm only focussing on the one case at a time. Plus the fact money is very limited and there's no way I could afford to go for a divorce right now aswell as custody hearings etc!

[Brokendad]

Hello. Some of you may have seen my previous posts about my situation, but in short, my wife left me back in August, took our children with her and refused me from having any access to them by myself. 

Well things are slightly better in terms of seeing the girls, but only because they've been living with my ex mother in law for the last three months while my ex has moved into a new home, with a new bloke and the girls only moved in with them last week as they were "getting the house ready for them for the last three months" apparently. So I've been having them round mine the last few weekends, but now they have moved in with my ex now, things may change. I do have a court appearance in late January though, where I'm hoping to get access sorted officially with them.

The trouble is, I'm feeling really low, down, lonely and can't snap out of it. The thought of my ex, the girls and her new bloke (who has, for no reason, threagen d to break my legs recently!) All living together like a happy family, him acting like he's their dad etc is really getting to me. I'm meant to be having them this afternoon and all of boxing day, but it's now 2:30 pm, and she won't return any of my calls to arrange me collecting them and I don't know where they're living so I can't just go and get them. I'm fed up of being alone, I've tried online dating sites etc but NEVER get any replies from anyone and as every day and night passes, I just get lower and lower. 

I went through a stage for a couple of weeks or so, where I was ok, but I'm now sinking again and can't help it. I hate having my wife (still technically married) rubbing it in my face about how loved up she is with her new "amazing lover" and I just don't know how much more heartache I can take. I'm such a mess again!!

[Gaeta]

Brokedad I am sorry you are struggling and dealing with a difficult ex. First you are in no state of mind to start dating, you need professional help, not a gf. So, please reach to a men's support group, there are several out there to support divorced dad struggling and find a good therapist to help you deal with this very stressing time of our life. You have family, siblings, friends?  There is a life waiting for you after this. Hang in there. 

[Brokendad]

She has just put photos on Facebook of her with her new man, kissing and cuddling, and another one of the four of them (my children, her and him) all on the sofa cuddled up together. That really has hurt a lot!

[trident_2020]

You need to get a court ordered parenting plan in place ASAP to ensure continued access to your kids. 

[Brokendad]

25 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

You need to get a court ordered parenting plan in place ASAP to ensure continued access to your kids. 

I have a court hearing for this in January, which will hopefully settle childcare issues and set out a legally binding plan on when I can have the children. So in the short term I may not see them as often as I'd like but in the long run it will be settled hopefully. It's just the whole being alone, watching my wife with a new man etc that's really bothering me right now!!

[Emilie Jolie]

Sorry you're feeling so low, @Brokendad. This time of year is particularly difficult for parents and children who can't be together. Have you managed to see them since your last post?

The above (I mean the court hearing) is a sort of silver lining for you at the minute - this is what you need to hold on to. Hopefully you have a solid case.

Sounds like you're in the UK? Have you looked at support websites specifically dedicated to parental alienation?

Here is one just in case, that you might find useful:

https://fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/parental-alienation

 

Edited December 25, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Brokendad]

10 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Sorry you're feeling so low, @Brokendad. This time of year is particularly difficult for parents and children who can't be together. Have you managed to see them since your last post?

The above (I mean the court hearing) is a sort of silver lining for you at the minute - this is what you need to hold on to. Hopefully you have a solid case.

Sounds like you're in the UK? Have you looked at support websites specifically dedicated to parental alienation?

Here is one just in case, that you might find useful:

https://fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/parental-alienation

 

Thank you for the link, I'll give it a look. I did manage to eventually get the girls (3 hours after the time we planned) and they stayed over at mine last night and will hopefully be staying tonight aswell. But seeing photos plastered all over Facebook of my ex and her new guy, plus a couple more of the two of them cuddling and kissing my children have set me back a bit. There's a photo of him on there with the children, both sat on his lap, and he's kissing the youngest and the oldest is kissing him. I don't want to see that! If I ever met another girl (Extremely unlikely sadly) my ex would go mad if she saw her acting the way withbth children that he is. It's like he's their dad and I'm just an uncle who occasionally looks after them or something!

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Brokendad said:

It's like he's their dad and I'm just an uncle who occasionally looks after them or something!

I'm so sorry, @Brokendad.

This must be very painful for you to see that.

You are their father, of course you are, no fb status can change that!

Have you considered perhaps 'unfollowing' or 'muting' your ex on fb? I don't think blocking her would be wise as she may use that against you at some point, but also you need to look after your mental / emotional health too. Stop torturing yourself with these pics, and focus on spending top quality time with your girls at the moment whenever you have them - grab whatever you can with them and make it a positive, fun-filled christmas-ey experience. 

I know it can't be easy, but you need to look at the bigger picture - they need to be shielded from this bad situation as much as possible.

Looks like you are doing everything you can to be with them anyway and a lot of it appears to be out of your control at the minute, so please try to be kind to yourself 🙂.

And you're not doomed to singledoom for the rest of your life! You need to be in the right frame of mind, though. 

All things considered, do you think, with everything going on in your life, you are in the best position to be a good partner to someone else?

I would say it's ok to take a few months to work on yourself so when you feel the moment is right, you can put your best foot forward. It would be a little unfair to invite someone into your life with pending court cases and such (imo).

And if you're really struggling, consider talking about it with still, a health professional - there is no shame in it. And keep posting here!

Enjoy your time with your girls today 🙂.

 

Edited December 26, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Brokendad]

14 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I'm so sorry, @Brokendad.

This must be very painful for you to see that.

You are their father, of course you are, no fb status can change that!

Have you considered perhaps 'unfollowing' or 'muting' your ex on fb? I don't think blocking her would be wise as she may use that against you at some point, but also you need to look after your mental / emotional health too. Stop torturing yourself with these pics, and focus on spending top quality time with your girls at the moment whenever you have them - grab whatever you can with them and make it a positive, fun-filled christmas-ey experience. 

I know it can't be easy, but you need to look at the bigger picture - they need to be shielded from this bad situation as much as possible.

Looks like you are doing everything you can to be with them anyway and a lot of it appears to be out of your control at the minute, so please try to be kind to yourself 🙂.

And you're not doomed to singledoom for the rest of your life! You need to be in the right frame of mind, though. 

All things considered, do you think, with everything going on in your life, you are in the best position to be a good partner to someone else?

I would say it's ok to take a few months to work on yourself so when you feel the moment is right, you can put your best foot forward. It would be a little unfair to invite someone into your life with pending court cases and such (imo).

And if you're really struggling, consider talking about it with still, a health professional - there is no shame in it. And keep posting here!

Enjoy your time with your girls today 🙂.

 

The trouble is, i just feel a complete waste of space being single, almost like I'm failing at life after I've been married. Like my ex is madly in love with someone new and can plaster it all over social media and in my face etc, and then there's pathetic little me who is all alone, not worthy of love and just a bit of a loser! I don't think I can be happy alone as I love the thought of love, relationships, having that special someone to spend quality time with etc, and the thought of probably going years without that worries me. It's such a vicious cycle as I feel I can only be happy if I'm in love, but to find love I need to be happy with myself, so I don't know how I'm ever going to feel better!!!

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Brokendad said:

The trouble is, i just feel a complete waste of space being single, almost like I'm failing at life after I've been married. Like my ex is madly in love with someone new and can plaster it all over social media and in my face etc, and then there's pathetic little me who is all alone, not worthy of love and just a bit of a loser! I don't think I can be happy alone as I love the thought of love, relationships, having that special someone to spend quality time with etc, and the thought of probably going years without that worries me. It's such a vicious cycle as I feel I can only be happy if I'm in love, but to find love I need to be happy with myself, so I don't know how I'm ever going to feel better!!!

Divorce is never easy. I think it would help you to shift your perspective. Instead of narrowly focusing on what you’re missing out on, focus on what you have from that failed marriage, which are positives: 

1. You have more insight into what you want in a life-long partner (your ex-wife was close, but not “it”)
2. You have two beautiful daughters from your marriage who love their dad and look up to him. 
3. You have the freedom to be yourself, now that you’re free of that toxic relationship with your ex-wife.
4. Focus on your daughters’ well-being and be the role model parent that they need right now. They may not live with you but you can still positively influence them as their dad. 
5. You can’t change the past. You only have the present and the future to work on. 
6. Find a weekly therapist even if its virtual right now due to Covid. 
7. Join a divorced dad’s support group even if its virtual right now due to Covid. 

No woman will ever make you happy. That’s not another person’s role - to make YOU happy. That’s not how healthy relationships work. Healthy relationships work when both people have self-esteem, have self-worth, have happiness with themselves and with their lives (mistakes and successes). You cannot put that expectation of “it’s your job to make me happy” on another person, b/c they will always fail. You are the only person who can make yourself happy.

Love is about finding someone who compliments your life. Love is not about putting your self-worth and value on the onus of your relationship partner. That’s why so many relationships fail when people don’t understand that it’s no one else’s job to make them happy; that’s their own job. If you are not happy with yourself, then you will never fall in love for the right reasons. You’ll still be chasing a misguided ideal of what you think “love” is, and never find it, but will be attracted to incompatible women for the wrong reasons. 

[Emilie Jolie]

5 hours ago, Brokendad said:

The trouble is, i just feel a complete waste of space being single, almost like I'm failing at life after I've been married. Like my ex is madly in love with someone new and can plaster it all over social media and in my face etc, and then there's pathetic little me who is all alone, not worthy of love and just a bit of a loser! I don't think I can be happy alone as I love the thought of love, relationships, having that special someone to spend quality time with etc, and the thought of probably going years without that worries me. It's such a vicious cycle as I feel I can only be happy if I'm in love, but to find love I need to be happy with myself, so I don't know how I'm ever going to feel better!!!

Ok that's a tough one. Sorry you're feeling that way.

I know you said you tried 'online dating' for a bit but it didn't work out so well for you. Extrapolating here, sorry if I'm way off, but do you think maybe the slightly desperate vibes coming from your post here are permeating through your interactions with your potential dates too? Would be a bit unsexy to be at the receiving end of this, I would guess (sorry to be a bit blunt @Brokendad- I can tell you're not in the best place at the moment, but we here at LS really want what's best for you; sometimes it comes across as mean 'tough love' but it's actually well meant 🙂) so it's worth considering how you come across with your dates. Do you have trusty friends in person who can give you constructive feedback on how you are currently presenting?

Could be worth gently going back to swiping left (or right, not sure how it goes) on the old Tinder too, mainly to keep you distracted for a bit? I hear people love spending time swiping - I mean finding love or similar - on that.

 And as an added bonus, if it happens, it happens, right?

Just a thought 🙂.

Or maybe get a dog? 

And remember:

"If you want, you can find a million reasons to hate life and be angry at the world. Or, if you want to, you could find a million reasons to love life and be happy. Choose wisely."

- Cari Welsh (a great Twitter philosopher).

Also

“Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think.” – Buddha (an all round wise guy)

I hope this helps! 

Meanwhile, I hope you had fun with your girls!!

 

[Brokendad]

4 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Ok that's a tough one. Sorry you're feeling that way.

I know you said you tried 'online dating' for a bit but it didn't work out so well for you. Extrapolating here, sorry if I'm way off, but do you think maybe the slightly desperate vibes coming from your post here are permeating through your interactions with your potential dates too? Would be a bit unsexy to be at the receiving end of this, I would guess (sorry to be a bit blunt @Brokendad- I can tell you're not in the best place at the moment, but we here at LS really want what's best for you; sometimes it comes across as mean 'tough love' but it's actually well meant 🙂) so it's worth considering how you come across with your dates. Do you have trusty friends in person who can give you constructive feedback on how you are currently presenting?

Could be worth gently going back to swiping left (or right, not sure how it goes) on the old Tinder too, mainly to keep you distracted for a bit? I hear people love spending time swiping - I mean finding love or similar - on that.

 And as an added bonus, if it happens, it happens, right?

Just a thought 🙂.

Or maybe get a dog? 

And remember:

"If you want, you can find a million reasons to hate life and be angry at the world. Or, if you want to, you could find a million reasons to love life and be happy. Choose wisely."

- Cari Welsh (a great Twitter philosopher).

Also

“Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think.” – Buddha (an all round wise guy)

I hope this helps! 

Meanwhile, I hope you had fun with your girls!!

 

All the messages that I've sent to people have been aimed at their profiles. So I'll ask specific questions about the hobbies they've listed, or their jobs, children etc and I've tried being light hearted, funny and made the messages all about the other person, asking them about themselves etc. I've never me ruined my situation in any first message, but all they do is take a look at my profile, see what I look like and never reply. It just seems nowadays that if don't have a face like Brad Pitt, a massive bank account or are one of the "popular" people, then you're destined to be alone. I've messaged people of all walks of life, and get no reply. I've tried the old tinder swiping aswell, but never had a single match! And if I'm not getting any replies now or "matches" then why would that suddenly change in a few weeks, months or years down the line? At the end of the day, all I've ever wanted (as non "macho blokey" as this may sound) is a loving family, children and someone I can share life with and be happy with. I had a taste of that with my marriage and do t want life without it now. The times I spend with my children is special and I love them so much, but I just don't feel "complete". I'm not a needy person or whatever, but I feel I'm best suited with someone, who I can share things with and give all my love and effort too. I'm not bothered about materialistic things, as long as I can provide a happy home for my children, food on their plates and a loving home for them, that's all that I need in life. But what would be the icing on the cake would be a loving partner to cuddle upto in the evenings and just that family feel, which I honestly don't think I'll ever feel again

[Emilie Jolie]

2 minutes ago, Brokendad said:

But what would be the icing on the cake would be a loving partner to cuddle upto in the evenings and just that family feel, which I honestly don't think I'll ever feel again

That makes sense. 

If that's what you really want, it'll happen - maybe not on your timeline, as in right now, but it will when the time is right and all the stars align. 

I really do think there's an element of 'things happen for a reason' and maybe there still are a couple of lessons you need to learn before you meet that person for you, but you need to keep faith. 

Also, Brad Pitt has a string of failed relationships behind him and is (I think but I haven't really kept up) currently single, so he might not be the best model to aspire to!

Give yourself a bit of time and self-care @Brokendad- you've only been single 5 minutes. Pace yourself, focus on that court hearing for now and things will fall into place as they are meant to 🙂.

 

[Wiseman2]

Your feelings are normal at this very early stage.  

You unfortunately still have the entire divorce and custody thing ahead of you.

Stay strong for that. As far as dating? You could try but "not divorced yet" is a hard no for most.

You seem to be filling voids left. A therapist could guide you through the process of divorce still ahead of you.

 

[Brokendad]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your feelings are normal at this very early stage.  

You unfortunately still have the entire divorce and custody thing ahead of you.

Stay strong for that. As far as dating? You could try but "not divorced yet" is a hard no for most.

You seem to be filling voids left. A therapist could guide you through the process of divorce still ahead of you.

 

I've seen other people say that about dating before getting divorced etc, but at the same time I've known so many "separated" people to get into new relationships without being divorced and my wife didn't exactly struggle to find someone despite not being divorced, so I think it's more common than people think.  Divorces can cost tens of thousands of pounds which some people just can't afford and so will split up and never get a divorce unless they plan on remarrying.

[Gaeta]

I know people around me that are known for jumping from one relationship to another. Those relationships don't really last in time. They're band-aids on a wound and when the person gets better they discard that band-aid. When I was online dating the dating sites were full of recently separated men. I did not want to date them, they thought they were ready to date but I knew best. Brokendad you have not reached the 'acceptance' yet, I don't see how you could be investing yourself in a new relationship when you're hurting so much. 

[Brokendad]

Tonight is a good example of my general mindset. So I've had the girls with me since Christmas day afternoon and took them back to their mum this afternoon. I walked back to my flat which is now suddenly so quiet compared to the last couple of days with two little'uns causing havoc and I just sat on the sofa and just thought "now what"? And I just don't know what to do with myself!

My ex's partner also annoyed me lots, as I dropped the girls off to my ex and him, and before I could even kiss and cuddle my girls goodbye, he was telling them to get into his car. So I soon called them back to me and made sure I said goodbye to them. It's just little things like that, where he is acting like the dad to them and treating me like I don't even exist. Then, when they drive off, he must have been doing about 50mph in a little 20mph residential zone. My ex didn't even check to see if the girls were strapped in the car correctly. So not only did he try and stop me from saying goodbye to them, I also had to watch him strap the girls into his car (in a rush as it was spitting with rain) and speed off at a stupid speed. After he's threatened me with violence recently, I hate to think what kind of bloke my girls are living with

[Gaeta]

All this should be information you give your lawyer including the threats this guy gave you. I wouldn't be surprised this guy has a shady past. She's known him for what? 4-5 months? Barely? and there he is playing daddy to your girls. Your ex encouraging her daughters to 'kiss' this stranger wouldn't sit well with me and I'd use that as well.  You did good to call the girls back for a proper good bye. 

Now what? You do like the rest of us, you hang on, concentrate on the future ahead instead of the past, go through all the normal steps of mourning phases and understand they're normal and this until you reach 'acceptance'. From there the sky is the limit. You're young, you'll meet someone else and have a better relationship.