Starting to struggle again

[Brokendad]

Hello. About two months ago, my wife left me. We had been together for six years, married for three. 

We have two daughters together, aged 2 and 4. For the last 18 months or so of the relationship, things went downhill. She told me back in November 2019 that she no longer loved me and ever since then, we've been quite distant. I've slept on the sofa for the best part of two years (her choice) and we never enjoyed any time together. Sexually we hadn't been close (not even holding hands, cuddling or a kiss) for about two years either. 

The trouble is, she has taken the girls with her (she moved into her mum's) and isn't letting me see them, other than the odd hour here and there, but only round her mum's where either her or her mum supervises. There is no reason for this to happen, I've always been a very hands on parent and love those girls so much. It has got to the point where I have a solicitor helping me to try and get access and a court date has been arranged but that's not until after Christmas. 

About a week before she left me, she was seen on tinder and many other dating apps by a friend of mine. Since she has left, I know that she has been seeing guys, which hurts me so much, despite the fact she has destroyed me in the way she has treated me in regards to the girls. I've even been round there recently (she wasn't there, her mum was though) and found, in the living room (which is where her and the girls are sleeping currently) a bag with sex toys (electronic wands, dildo, things designed for couples and many other toys) aswell as kinky outfits and lingerie etc. When we were together, and before all our troubles started, she would have never had things like these, she was always too shy and uncomfortable with that kind of thing. We rarely even had sex when we were at our best times! So she's gone from that, to now seemingly being very sexually confident and "out there". I'm not sure why, but I can't get this out of my head and feel really upset about it. Why is her new bloke so much better than me and why is she so much closer to him already than she ever was with me? I've always loved her, and I really wish I didn't. 

She's even told me that her and the girls are moving to a new place soon, but she isn't going to tell me where or when they move.  I'm such a mess, being home all the time, by myself is horrible. The atmosphere hasn't been good here for quite some time, but I can't bare the thought of being alone forever, especially when she's already moving on and is happier than she ever was with me it seems.

I don't know if she's just going through a phase and it won't last (she's always had mental health issues and I can't see her being so happy for long) but it just feels like my heart is being ripped out constantly!

I know I shouldn't feel like this, and she has really hurt (destroyed me inside to be honest) over how she has been using the girls against me and I shouldn't care about what she's doing in her new love/sex life, but it just won't leave my mind at all. The thought of her using all these things when she would have never done anything like that with me, for some reason is really screwing me over! 

Has anybody got any advice please?

Many thanks for reading me rattling on!

[d0nnivain]

Get a lawyer.  She is wrong for keeping you from your kids.  

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, Brokendad said:

I'm such a mess, being home all the time, by myself is horrible. The atmosphere hasn't been good here for quite some time, but I can't bare the thought of being alone forever, especially when she's already moving on and is happier than she ever was with me it seems.

Unfortunately, if you can't find a way to reach out to her in a calm and amiable way so you can agree on reasonable access to your daughters, your only choice is to hold tight until your court date.

The above suggests you're not coping well at all, since you're dealing with this on your own. This can take a toll on your mental health. Posting here and getting things off your chest is a good start for sure, but have you also thought of seeing a counsellor? 

[Brokendad]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Unfortunately, if you can't find a way to reach out to her in a calm and amiable way so you can agree on reasonable access to your daughters, your only choice is to hold tight until your court date.

The above suggests you're not coping well at all, since you're dealing with this on your own. This can take a toll on your mental health. Posting here and getting things off your chest is a good start for sure, but have you also thought of seeing a counsellor? 

The thing is though, over the last couple of weeks or so, I had been feeling a bit better in regards of my ex and me splitting. Obviously still upset and hurt, but no way near as bad as I had been feeling. But after seeing the sex toys etc the other day, for some reason it's that which has brought me right back down again. All I can think about is her using these with another person or on video to another person etc. It's stupid. The fact she has gone from never wanting anything like sex toys, to going and buying a load, including rather big battery operated things etc, has really hit me hard for some reason and brought me right back down

[emprosnet7]

 You must pull yourself together,  reach out to friends and family,  mother and father. Stay with them if possible.  Don't think of her,  think of your kids and how to stay close to them.  

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, Brokendad said:

The thing is though, over the last couple of weeks or so, I had been feeling a bit better in regards of my ex and me splitting. Obviously still upset and hurt, but no way near as bad as I had been feeling. But after seeing the sex toys etc the other day, for some reason it's that which has brought me right back down again. All I can think about is her using these with another person or on video to another person etc. It's stupid. The fact she has gone from never wanting anything like sex toys, to going and buying a load, including rather big battery operated things etc, has really hit me hard for some reason and brought me right back down

Yeah, there will be lots of ups and downs, one step forward / two steps back kind of thing I guess. 

It's so tempting to beat yourself up about your ex's newfound sexual liberation but the thing is, it's not really about you, so there's no need to feel inadequate. Sounds like you weren't sexually (or  even emotionally?) connected for whatever reason in the years before your separation, so it's not like there is much to regret in a way.

I know it sounds trite, but you need to try and put things in perspective pragmatically - your marriage had broken down, she is completely checked out and as a free agent, she is entitled to do what she wants (sorry, I know it's hard to hear).

The main thing is to focus on your girls, make sure you make it as drama-free as possible while being the best father you can be, for their sake.

[Brokendad]

I'm still struggling to be honest. I have suspicions that she may have moved to a new address or is very soon going to move as I have text her a couple of times this week asking whether they are still living at her mum's house and she won't answer my messages. Then yesterday she posted a status on Facebook (which is very unlike her) saying about how happy she is and how excited she is, and put love heart emojis and an emoji of a mother with two children. So I'm not too sure what that's about, but I'm guessing something is happening. But if she is moving house with my children, or has a new bloke who is going to be a part of my girls lives, surely I have a right to know. I will admit that I downloaded one of the dating apps that she's on, as that tells you how far away someone is from you. Her mum's house from where I live is about 5 miles. Last night it said she was 2.7 miles from mine, and now it says she is just 1 mile from mine (it only gives this information when they are online on the app) so I'm not sure what's going on!

[schlumpy]

You need an ally. This can be a family friend, close relative, or BFF. They will need lots of patience and the ability to keep you from doing the wrong things.

Have you seen a lawyer or in your case solicitor? That is something you cannot avoid. Protecting yourself and your assets is your prime concern at the moment. Forget about reconciliation because at this moment you do not know what you are forgiving and you cannot reconcile during an ongoing affair. It just won't work.

I suggest you start with a legal separation agreement that gives both you legal rights that can be enforced. I'm sure visitation with your kids is primary concern.

You have to go dark on her. Only talk to her about the kids or the upcoming divorce/separation. Do not see her if possible but do this over email.

Cut off the money as much as you can. Let her pay for her own single life. You don't need to be financing it. Do you pay for the phone? Drop her off the plan. Is she a beneficiary on a life insurance policy? Get her name off of it. Are you paying for her car or insurance? Stop that!

Disconnect in any possible way you can.

Buy yourself a voice activated recorder and use it whenever you have to meet face-to-face. It can save you from false abuse charges.

If you can, find out who her other man is (OM) and expose him to his wife or GF if he has one. Expose her affair to her family. The quickest way to shut this stuff down is to let in the light. 

No matter how painful it is, you have to fight back. Not to get to her back. She won't come back unless she wants to so put that thought in last place.

Type into your browser "cheating 180" a various version of the 180 program will appear. Find one that you can do and practice it as your new religion. It will help you recognize your value and detach emotionally from your wife. That will allow you to make the hard decisions that you will be faced with.

Is her family OK with her behavior?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Brokendad said:

 if she is moving house with my children, or has a new bloke who is going to be a part of my girls lives, surely I have a right to know.

Do you have visitation/custody schedule arranged by the courts? Do you have a court ordered child support schedule in place for your kids? She can move wherever she wants, live with whoever she wants and post whatever she wants.

Your only real concern is paying child support for your kids and sticking to your visitation/custody schedule. 

[BaileyB]

Respectfully, you are focusing on the wrong thing. You are focusing on your soon to be ex wife and responding very emotionally to her behavior when you should be talking with a lawyer and focusing on getting shared custody of your children and a fair legal settlement in the divorce. 

If you allow your emotion to determine your decisions, your wife will walk all over you. She already has, by denying you custody of your children. I’m sorry this has happened to you, it’s very hard. But, it’s time to stop lamenting about sex toys and your wife’s sex life because that ship has clearly sailed... It’s time to take some control back and make an appointment to see a lawyer.

And may I suggest, making an appointment with a counsellor would not be a bad decision either. Good luck. 

Edited September 19, 2020 by BaileyB

[Brokendad]

I have got a solicitor on the case to help me and I've been in constant dialogue with her from within a week to ten days of my wife leaving me. I do feel that the laws are very much aimed towards the mother of children. If I had taken our children, told my wife that for no reason other than the fact I didn't love her she couldn't see them, moved house and not let her know our address and allowed a new woman in the girls lives and acting like their new mother, I'd be seen as a complete and utter **** and there would be all sorts of cases put against me. But because I'm the dad, it's almost like I'm not an important part of the girls lives so it doesn't matter, despite the fact I've always been very hands on and actually would spend more time with the children than my wife would. 

No matter how I feel towards her, there's no way I'd take her back after the wag she's acted and treated me, so even though I feel the wag I do, I'd never have her back. 

She doesn't even let me talk to them on the phone and she gives their family friend who has only been out of prison for four years following 21 years behind bars for murder and child sex offences more rights to the girls than I get. She lets him game them out whenever he wants, how is that right?I've tried stopping it and even spoke to the police about it, but they won't do anything. 

I just don't know how it's acceptable for a loving father, who has spent the duration of his girls lives being a big part of their lives to be suddenly kicked out of their lives just because their mother doesn't love him anymore? How is that a fair reason to not allow children to see their dad. When I have seen them for the odd hour here and there since she left, they've been so happy to see me and have cried their eyes out when I've had to leave. It seems so unfair on them to not have their daddy in their lives, when we've always had such a special, loving relationship

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Brokendad said:

I have got a solicitor on the case to help me and I've been in constant dialogue with her from within a week to ten days of my wife leaving me.

Excellent. have your attorney file a visitation/custody and child support schedule with the courts. Why did your wife flee with the kids  to an undisclosed address? 

Never use your kids as pawns like this making them cry,etc. and do your bidding for you to get your wife back. 

[Brokendad]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. have your attorney file a visitation/custody and child support schedule with the courts. Why did your wife flee with the kids  to an undisclosed address? 

Never use your kids as pawns like this making them cry,etc. and do your bidding for you to get your wife back. 

She has written to the courts with a full statement and explaining everything that I want in terms of access and the days/nights I want to have the children. The trouble is, due to covid, there is a huge backlog in court cases and I'll be lucky to have a court appearance before the new year. I should be getting a letter soon from the court to confirm when the appearance date is, but it'll be a long wait unfortunately. 

She moved in with her parents at first, but I think she has moved over the last week or so (my oldest girl told me a couple of weeks ago that they would be living in a new house soon, and I don't think my wife would hell that to a four year old unless it was imminent, and there has been things happen since then to make me think they've moved). I really wouldn't want my wife back to be honest. I miss having a family, but I know we weren't happy for a long time and it wasn't the happy life I'd dreamt of. All I want is to have the children in my life and to enjoy quality time with them.

 I was there to see the girls a few weeks ago, my wife started getting angry with me (I never found out why as all I was doing was playing with the girls) and then she kicked me out of the house and didn't even let me say goodbye to the girls. I've never seen the girls as upset as they were when I was told I had to get out, it was heartbreaking. In a way, I'd class that as psychological abuse!

[schlumpy]

15 minutes ago, Brokendad said:

I just don't know how it's acceptable for a loving father, who has spent the duration of his girls lives being a big part of their lives to be suddenly kicked out of their lives just because their mother doesn't love him anymore? How is that a fair reason to not allow children to see their dad. When I have seen them for the odd hour here and there since she left, they've been so happy to see me and have cried their eyes out when I've had to leave. It seems so unfair on them to not have their daddy in their lives, when we've always had such a special, loving relationship

Listen to your solicitor. Your short term objective is to get out of the marriage ASAP with favorable terms. Then you comes the long game.

I don't know UK law but children in US cannot declare who they want to live with under the age of 18 but the court does pay attention to a teens wishes. That probably varies according to what state a person lives in.

The long game is building a case that your wife is a unfit parent. You do that by documenting instances that prove the point. You have people present at any face-to-face that you trust and are willing to be witnesses in a future custody law suit.

Never talk with her in person unless there is a recording device present. If she doesn't agree, don't speak with her. Only use text and email because that can help you document your claims. She could also contact your lawyer. 

Do not do anything special with your wife that includes the children. Have separate birthday celebrations and Christmas celebrations. The kids won't complain. No family activities where you pretend you are still married.

Once the dust settles and her new SO isn't so shiny anymore it's very likely things will turn in your favor.

It's a waiting game.

 

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, Brokendad said:

I do feel that the laws are very much aimed towards the mother of children.

She doesn't even let me talk to them on the phone and she gives their family friend who has only been out of prison for four years following 21 years behind bars for murder and child sex offences more rights to the girls than I get.

I’m not a lawyer, but this makes no sense to me. Document everything and talk to your lawyer. If you don’t like the advice she is giving you, find a better lawyer.

My partner does this and I call CPS and the police. The law does not favour the mother. The law should protect the parental rights of both parents. And, if your children are in danger, CPS should be called to investigate the situation. That becomes evidence in your custody case. 

Edited September 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[princessaurora]

I'm just gonna be blunt and tell you based on the information you've disclosed your wife is a real bi#$%. Leaving you because she doesn't love you anymore is one thing, but keeping you from your children and throwing you  out when you were spending time with them is a whole different ballgame. Did you say something to her or your daughters that may have set her off? 

It is so unfair the police can't force a shared custody clause until things are settled in court. I feel for you because I can tell you really love your girls and men often get the short end of the stick in these situations. They wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for you and she has no right to keep them from a kind loving father just because she doesn't want to be married to you anymore. She's being a selfish c#$%t and is not thinking about anyone but herself. And don't too harp much on her sudden sexual awakening. This often happens when women flee their marriage. It's like they want to become a different person so they can feel like they've truly moved on.  I've seen it time and again. The new guy is almost always the complete opposite of the husband. But like you said, you were in a sexless marriage and weren't  happy anyway. When this is all over I really hope you find a woman who loves you just as much as you love her because that's what you deserve. In the meantime my advice to you would be to let her make herself look as bad as possible. Even if you start dating again, don't blast it on social media, keep it private. You want to be portrayed  as the loving father who just wants his children back in his life while she's galavanting around with guys she meets online and denying you the right to see your own children. This will paint you in a much better light. 

Good luck with everything. I'll really hope it all works out for you. 

[Brokendad]

So she has just come to my flat. I had locked the door and kept my key in the door, but she still managed to use her key and get in somehow. She came in, took some stuff from the kitchen (she was dressed in a short dress, makeup and hair looking great, perfume, the works. She took these bits and left again (not with the girls yet again...). I then notice that I thought it was her dad she came with, but it wasn't, it was her new bloke! So I was about shocked that she brought him here so I will admit that when they left, I shouted out if the window that the courts will know about how she is spending more time with her new bloke/s I stead of the children and I've text her saying the same aswell. He did shout something back at me, but I couldn't tell what he said. How heartless and cruel do you have to be though, to bring a new bloke round to where your ex is living? So I'm now wondering if she's moved in with him. I have got to find out where my children are living, but I don't know what to do

[emprosnet7]

Change your lock!!! 

[princessaurora]

Agreed. As long as she has access to  your home, you never know what she'll do. You don't want her "planting" something that could cause  you to lose your daughters permanently. 

Edited September 20, 2020 by princessaurora
spelling error

[stillafool]

I agree about changing the locks.  I also agree that your wife is a B****.  I feel sorry for your little girls also for being taken away from their father when it was no fault of yours.  Why do the kids just magically get to go with the mother in circumstances like this is beyond me.  It is the most unfair thing I've ever heard of.  If she's at a point in her life where she wants to whore around she should have left the kids with you instead of dragging them from pillow to post.

[Brokendad]

The trouble is, I'm not even allowed to change the locks! I've asked my solicitor and the lettings agency and they've both said that I can't change the locks until she comes off the tenancy, and I can't make her leave the tenancy. So she's going to keep on the tenancy and be able to come in whenever she wants. When she came to the flat, she literally took two tubs of food seasoning. Clearly the only real reason she came was to mess with my head. She text me saying he's "just a friend" but the wag she looked, she was dressed to impress. I hadn't seen her wear such a short dress, makeup, hair all nice, high heels and ridiculously strong perfume for many years. So I dont know what she's doing, if he is "just a friend"!

[ExpatInItaly]

Had she ever behaved this erratically and unreasonably before she left, OP?

Are you in a position to move so she can’t just waltz in whenever she pleases? 

[Brokendad]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Had she ever behaved this erratically and unreasonably before she left, OP?

Are you in a position to move so she can’t just waltz in whenever she pleases? 

She's always had depression and anxiety, and because of these, she's always been totally opposite to how she is now. She's normally very introverted, never goes out, never sees friends, etc. She's always been quite controlling and likes to be in charge (telling me what to do etc) but her personality has totally changed since she left. She's now seemingly more happy than I have ever seen her, much more outgoing, more confident and totally unrecognisable in a sense. It might sound a little thing, but in the six years we were together, she NEVER went out in just a dress with nothing underneath. She'd always have leggings etc on. But now, she goes out, in a short dress and nothing underneath. It's really bizarre to see her act like this. Do you think it could just be a post breakup thing and she will eventually crash to her usual self?

[Brokendad]

And on the moving front, I have thought about it. But I still see this as the girls home, it's within minutes of their school and nursery and leaving would feel hard, but I do feel like I might have too

[emprosnet7]

3 minutes ago, Brokendad said:

She's always had depression and anxiety, and because of these, she's always been totally opposite to how she is now. She's normally very introverted, never goes out, never sees friends, etc. She's always been quite controlling and likes to be in charge (telling me what to do etc) but her personality has totally changed since she left. She's now seemingly more happy than I have ever seen her, much more outgoing, more confident and totally unrecognisable in a sense. It might sound a little thing, but in the six years we were together, she NEVER went out in just a dress with nothing underneath. She'd always have leggings etc on. But now, she goes out, in a short dress and nothing underneath. It's really bizarre to see her act like this. Do you think it could just be a post breakup thing and she will eventually crash to her usual self?

I have heard of this behavior in other women as well, I don't know what to make of it though.