I can't feel happy for my friend and I feel bad

[CaraGrace]

I have written about the problem between me and my 20-year friend here before. I don't want to repeat and write too long again so if anyone's interested you may refer back to this thread for some backstory: 

So it's actually been some months since I had that confrontation with her and we've been keeping distance since then. We don't message each other except for sending happy birthday. But for these months actually I still haven't let go, not exactly because I miss being friends with her (I guess) but because I still feel bitter, angry, as though justice has not been served since she never admits her faults, nor even accepting the fact that some of her behaviours hurt me and that if she wants to stay friends maybe she could consider to be more considerate of my feelings. But she just simply said nothing was her faults and I should adjust myself to accept her as who she is, etc etc...

I can't stop thinking about all the things she said/did to me in all these years that made me feel bad, many of which involved she making comparisons with me, and whenever she thinks I'm better than her/get what she wants that she doesn't have, she would find ways to belittle me and make me feel like I don't deserve what I have. And I can't stop feeling angry. Then recently, I knew that she's pregnant since she and her husband announced it on facebook. I found myself not being able to feel happy for her. I don't even want to like her post, not to say leaving comment or send message to congratulate her. But then I feel bad for feeling this way because it seems like now I am the one who makes comparisons between us and can't be happy for her for her achievement, even though I don't plan or want to have kids myself. It's like I'm becoming like her, becoming someone I hate... like I don't want to hear good news from her, I don't want to know how happy she is or when she gets what she wants. It feels like I'm falling in some kind of a hole that traps me in all these angers and negativity. It's like I am imprisoned with all these thoughts in my head and can't set myself free. I feel like a monster when I can't feel happy for her.... 

What can I do to let this go? and to free my mind? 

[Cersei]

When do you let Go? Right now. If it does not give you joy, motivation, money or orgasms it does not belong in your life! That is just a funny quote but it has some truth to it.

 

There is nothing wrong with setting people free. When friendships start both people are not necessarily the same people that they become later in life. If the friendship is stressful then end it.

[Wiseman2]

At some point you'll have to realize that you're frienemies and stop this ongoing catfight.

Step back. Delete her from social media. Don't keep track of each other. Be cordial but skip the interpersonal drama.

Make friends you can get along with and phase out people who irritate you.

[CaraGrace]

58 minutes ago, Cersei said:

When do you let Go? Right now. If it does not give you joy, motivation, money or orgasms it does not belong in your life! That is just a funny quote but it has some truth to it.

 

There is nothing wrong with setting people free. When friendships start both people are not necessarily the same people that they become later in life. If the friendship is stressful then end it.

I know... but even when we're not talking anymore, I am still angry... I can't get myself free from the anger...

[Cersei]

When ending a friendship it's like a breakup. It gets easier with time.

[Millennial]

I checked the original thread, which was a sequel. So this is a trilogy, or I'm getting confused of the cannon in your friendship timeline. It's complicated, let me put it that way.

Having had a brief read, your friend sounds salty about being single with cats, quite frankly. You sound very sensitive, which is great (sensitive people can be awesome), but you need to learn good boundaries when it comes to spotting and dealing with other people's insecurities which may be damaging. And if you can't have any sort of chat about that in a real sense: person to person, then you need to question how close you really are.

Oh wait, now I read that she has got hitched and is pregnant. She's changed her tune, and you can't forgive her for her trash talk.

Honestly, I don't blame you. She wasn't supportive of you, and now you are struggling with the fakery of her trash talk. That's exactly what you would expect from a  normal human being.

If she's a very long time friend then possibly keep her around with a reassessment of your own boundaries. But she's fringe.

[contel3]

Sometimes, even if you have been friends with someone for a really long time....you will end up hating them. That's just the way it is. It's perfectly fine if you're feeling angry. There is no reason why you should get rid of that anger. You're not friends anymore, you don't feel happy for her, that's ok. There are people I used to love and deeply care about.....if the relationship ended very badly, even years later I don't feel happy for them, I feel indiferent or slightly annoyed.

Maybe someday you will be able to be happy for her again. Meanwhile, don't force yourself to. 

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

What can I do to let this go? and to free my mind? 

You can't really let go and move on if you're still keeping track of her on social media. That's my first thought.

My second thought is that you should take part of the responsibility for what happened to you in that friendship. I mean, yes, she was a lousy friend. I remember thinking she was really no friend to you. But you chose to maintain that friendship even as she disrespected you again and again. When you remain in situations where you're being disrespected, that often results in a lot of anger, and it can be difficult figuring out what to do with that anger.

The third thing I've noticed is that you're still placing too much emphasis on her opinion. You want her to acknowledge she wronged you. You want her to apologize. But she's not going to apologize or acknowledge anything. It should be enough that you hated the way she was treating you and decided to create boundaries. She doesn't have to give your boundaries a stamp of approval for them to be legitimate.

The anger and resentment you're feeling are not unusual. They will eventually fade away if you give yourself time to process them and to develop a healthier sense of self-esteem... far away from her and your mutual friends. That means you need to spend a chunk time away from your social media account.

[Pumaza]

Well.many topics here.No time to read back storys.

But looking at this and the kind of issues it dont sound like a freind.But a bunch of drama.

Its time to move on.Make new freinds.

This person is not your freind if you argue alot 8out of 10 times.

[CaraGrace]

21 hours ago, Millennial said:

Having had a brief read, your friend sounds salty about being single with cats, quite frankly. You sound very sensitive, which is great (sensitive people can be awesome), but you need to learn good boundaries when it comes to spotting and dealing with other people's insecurities which may be damaging. And if you can't have any sort of chat about that in a real sense: person to person, then you need to question how close you really are.

I know the backstory is too long and complicated. You've almost got the picture, just that she wasn't single - she started dating earlier than I did and she has never been single for too long. Back in high school she had dated two boys (and I heard that she always took the initiative to chase boys and that's one of the reasons why many girls didn't like her back then), I was the one who had been single and I didn't even date anyone until after college (I did have some boys who chased me, and I got hit on/catcalled quite a lot when hanging out with my girl friends, and I knew she wasn't happy every time when she saw that). But I never started a relationship because of my own insecurities. But even though she started dating earlier than me and she knew that I was sad and insecure about being single, it seemed she was still jealous of me because I was always the one who got boys' attention. She even once asked around the boys in her class which one of us they thought were more beautiful after I got hit on by a boy from another school some days earlier when we went on a school trip together. And she had once or twice said directly to me that she thought I wasn't that beautiful and she didn't understand why so many boys found me attractive.

I remember there was a boy whom I had a mutual crush with back at college, and a few months later he asked me to be his girlfriend but I didn't say yes right away out of the fear of being dumped by him very soon (I had this kind of insecurity/low self-esteem, I always thought people wouldn't like me as much as they said and they would leave me very shortly)... I was very frustrated at that time and so I asked her and another girl friend to have a drink with me so that I could talk about this with someone... I still remember she didn't seem interested listening to me, and she kept spinning the conversation to other unrelated topics and only talked to the other friend and ignored me. I tried to lead the conversation back to my story because I really needed advice (or perhaps just comfort/support), but then she said, "I think he's not that into you. You should stop thinking about this and just don't see him again. He doesn't really like you." And then she just went on chatting with the other friend, and I was so sad that I kept drinking trying to get drunk on my own. I still remember that night because I really hurt very much, not because I didn't end up dating that boy later on, but because of how she acted and what she said to me when I needed help and support.

I can never get these stories in the past out of my head.. I know it sounds petty that I still remember and couldn't let go of things that happened so long time ago, but these were the things that really hit me and made me wonder what kind of friend she was/what was I to her. Was I a competition, a competitor to her? But all these years she has always said she treasured me and loved me very much and wanted to be friends forever. She was like really happy for me when I announced that I was getting married and invited her to be my bridesmaid 2 years ago (even though she did something that really pissed me off on my wedding). I don't know... I know I'm looking for proofs and reasons to show that I'm right about her (like she has always been jealous of me, competing with me, and trying to put me down whenever she's not happy with what I've got/achieve), so as to justify my actions of not feeling happy for her now that she's pregnant, or earlier confronting her and setting my boundaries even though it didn't end well. Perhaps I'm trying to prove that I'm not the one who ruined it - because it seems like that - if I never confronted her than perhaps no one gets hurt. 

[CaraGrace]

21 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You can't really let go and move on if you're still keeping track of her on social media. That's my first thought.

My second thought is that you should take part of the responsibility for what happened to you in that friendship. I mean, yes, she was a lousy friend. I remember thinking she was really no friend to you. But you chose to maintain that friendship even as she disrespected you again and again. When you remain in situations where you're being disrespected, that often results in a lot of anger, and it can be difficult figuring out what to do with that anger.

The third thing I've noticed is that you're still placing too much emphasis on her opinion. You want her to acknowledge she wronged you. You want her to apologize. But she's not going to apologize or acknowledge anything. It should be enough that you hated the way she was treating you and decided to create boundaries. She doesn't have to give your boundaries a stamp of approval for them to be legitimate.

The anger and resentment you're feeling are not unusual. They will eventually fade away if you give yourself time to process them and to develop a healthier sense of self-esteem... far away from her and your mutual friends. That means you need to spend a chunk time away from your social media account.

You're very right... all these 3 things that you said. I know I'm responsible too.. and I think I'm like this in other aspects of my life too, like my work life. I always tolerate things that I think are unfair and unreasonable, hoping if I work hard enough or try first to give more instead of taking/asking for anything - then maybe one day people would see and know my worth, they will appreciate what I've done for them and they will treat me fairly - for I'm always doing and giving more than necessary. I thought it's the way to earn respects, but it never works, and I'm always the one who's left with nothing but anger and bitterness.

I'm not keeping track of her on social media, just that I don't really unfollow/unfriend her because it sounds petty, and I just came across her pregnancy post while I was looking through my facebook wall as usual. I can't just stop using social media because I need them for work, but perhaps I can try hide her and her husband's posts... Our husbands are our mutual friends so it's not possible to get rid of.. And perhaps sooner or later, even if she doesn't tell me directly about her pregnancy news, her husband will tell mine... and even if we're not meeting up any time soon, we still will after her baby's born... I don't know if I can be happy for her by that time, but I'm sure I'm not ready to feel happy for her or to share her happiness right now...

[ShyViolet]

1.  Having this person in your life in any way is clearly toxic for you, so cut this person out of your life if you haven't already.  Stop following her on social media.  Stop all contact with her.  She is your ex-friend, she is in the past and you need to stop spending so much of your time and mental energy on this person who is no longer in your life.

2.  You seem to have an unhealthy obsession with this.  Go to therapy to work on this and to make an effort to let this go and put it in the past.

[FMW]

You can't change the past.  You can't make someone be who you want them to be.  You can't control what someone else says or does.  You can't force them to understand and agree with you.  Not accepting that you don't have the power to change all those things is what's keeping you stuck and angry.  The only power you have is over yourself.  Sometimes we have to just let things go and move on.  @Acacia98 made some really good points, read them again. 

I understand it's hard to end any kind of relationship, including friendships.  I've had to do that before, and it's not a happy thing.  But as long as you keep fighting this it's only going to get worse, you'll soon be posting a fourth installment.  You've felt these resentments about her for years now it seems, you should have put an end to it long ago.  I realized with one of my former friends that I could no longer be a good friend to her because of all the resentments I had against her.  Since I couldn't let those things go I had to let our friendship go.  Honestly when most of your feelings are resentment and feelings of injustice, the friendship is already dead.    

You've done everything within your power.  Leave her alone, put this relationship behind you and move forward.