opposite sex texting friendship debate

[salparadise]

8 hours ago, Foxhall said:

...and she is not happy that I still text other women,

I find it hard to let go of the novelty factor, I enjoy having contact with these other ladies,

Novelty factor being synonymous with egoic titillation, backup options, cultivating orbiters. That's the basis of 99.5 percent of opposite sex "friendships." That's almost certainly a part of her husband's motive for responding, and the entirety of her friend's motive for initiating. I think her friend was clearly out of bounds; her husband's part could be defended as social etiquette if he was only responding and not escalating. The friend was trying to have a titillating, fun thing on the side... with potential for more. OP said she has admitted to cheating on her husband, so that tells us that not only does she not subscribe to the bounds of  monogamy, she has no shame about it either (as evidenced by her discussing it openly). OP, I think she was dropping her hankie so to speak... inviting your husband to be the aggressor and make a move. And if they were to have a bit of action on the side, hey, no harm done as long as there is plausible deniability. I think you did the right thing by nipping it. Hope your husband gets over it.

 

 

[sheep123]

Thank you.

It's Christmas and H and I are in a big fight over it again! He insists the poor friend is INNOCENT and perhaps I should apologize. My gut tells me she was getting him alone in person and in text, testing the waters to see how fast he'd respond with a few 4 a.m. texts and a few midnight texts under the guise of "WE ARE FRIENDS AND I NEED HIS HELP." In other words, I am the jerk.

My problem was the private TEXTING! NOT the friendship!

Salparadis, That's how I felt about her wanting him to be the aggressor. She was giving him opportunities by giving him the privacy to make his move either through text or in person. He says that's a disgusting way to view him and my friend ~ that I needed to have more faith, but that's what it seemed like! He even admitted that her questions to him were STUPID.

I don't have a 2nd man I run to for every whim. She has 2 ~ her H and mine!

She'd even need his help when we were on vacation!

I am SOOOOO miffed that my H continually infers this is MY insecurities and she is innocent because I KNEW it was happening and her texts were "harmless." That I stirred up an issue where there wasn't one. This is causing a strain in my marriage now.

I shouldn't feel the burden of my H making me feel guilty by hurting a friend and by not trusting him. 

He isn't giving me confidence that he agrees with my side of it and this is the problem! He is making me doubt myself! And it makes me feel like he's choosing her and I am the jerk.

Edited December 25, 2020 by sheep123
last sentence

[stillafool]

I can't believe this woman is still texting him after you told her to quit.  I thought she is now mad at you and are now leaving both of you alone.  I would ask her what the hell she wants with my husband at 4:30 am and why is she still going against my wishes.  I would not put up with this for a moment and your husband should be shutting her down not defending her.

Edited December 25, 2020 by stillafool

[elaine567]

Google gaslighting. 
This is what your husband appears to be doing here.
I am not sure exactly why he would want to do that if all was so innocent as claimed.

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, sheep123 said:

He isn't giving me confidence that he agrees with my side of it and this is the problem! He is making me doubt myself! And it makes me feel like he's choosing her and I am the jerk.

What that tells you is just how much he was enjoying it and wanting it to continue. He's using plausible deniability (of no X rated content) and obfuscating the reason it actually matters to him; he loved the attention, and he knows there was sexual attraction and seductive undertones behind it all. He doesn't like that you interfered with his little fantasy (soon to become reality perhaps) role play with her. If there was actually nothing to it, it wouldn't bother him a whit to leave her alone and let the helpless twit seek advice and assistance from her own husband. He doth protest too much... and that is how you know you're right. 

I think you should not back down on this. Tell him you know her to have cheated on her husband before, and you're not going to stand by while she makes a play for yours. I wonder if her husband knows? Even if they [apparently] stop texting, you still need to keep your eyes wide open. If she's telegraphing [albeit not in words] that she's available to him... well, it could be hard for him to ignore. 

 

Edited December 25, 2020 by salparadise

[Millennial]

Sounds like he was enjoying some attention and doesn't want to admit it, so he comes up with absurd excuses which further come at your expense (asking you to apologize is quite crazy imo).

Agree that it's gaslighting.

[FMW]

Your husband is just wrong, don't doubt your initial gut feeling about this.  

As has been suggested, he's likely enjoying the attention she's giving him, just like the other poster who admits he likes the attention from his female texters.  Allowing that attention to continue when he knows it's upsetting his partner is a crappy thing to do - for both the other poster and your husband.  

The woman blowing this up into claiming you are ruining the friendship and having the nerve to act mad at you is not your friend and not to be trusted.  Most of us who have been on this earth long enough have met those types of women.  Steer well clear.   

[Lotsgoingon]

Your husband is acting like a jerk, and unfortunately you're acting like a teenager who needs husband's approval to speak what you feel. 

You need to get some help for yourself, because this is not seeming like an equal relationship. You're acting like a kid. Kids complain all the time that mom/dad can make them (the kids) feel guilty even when the kids have done nothing wrong.

That guilt when you have done nothing wrong should not be occurring in a mature adult relationship. Get to some counseling if you can. You're not going to be able to stand up for yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

Why won't you be honest and tell your husband your marriage is in jeopardy and you insist on marriage therapy?

For now move to the guest bedroom so you have some peace and until he gets his head out of his butt and agrees to marriage therapy.

What you are doing now is... nothing. Just nagging that he easily dismisses because you're not acting serious about this.

Either mean business and take ACTION...or put up with it and just complain. Up to you totally.

Edited December 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[guest569]

Any updates? 

I actually stopped a married guy from texting me when I found that he was hiding our interactions from his wife, and he was becoming flirty and inappropriate. Maybe I'm naive and thought texting itself was OK. But I'm so wary now. 

[merrmeade]

On 12/23/2020 at 3:13 PM, sheep123 said:

THANK YOU, amygirl908.

My husband works with a bunch of women and has a bunch of female friends, but he doesn't TEXT them. Same with me ~ I don't text my male colleagues or male neighbors or male Facebook friends.

There's something about a text that screams, "This is between you and me only." It's so private and intimate. Anything can be said/shared and even misconstrued.

Why should she have that relationship with my H? I don't care if they were even talking about the weather. . . If he's stopping his day to text in private directly to her inbox ~ it just annoys me. 

He doesn't care about losing her as a texting friend. He just feels badly for my pain. He looks at it as I lost a friend because I didn't trust her. He feels I insulted her so she's hurt. I say she hurt me by crossing that line.

 

This is the only thing you've said that is Right On to me. This is why it was wrong and why he should stop being so clueless. Damn this kind of situation makes me mad. 

I wrote my husband an email the last time he said to me "we really were mostly just friends" that the "mostly" made all the rest of it 100% wrong, and I didn't want to hear any such excuses ever again. He agreed and it was the last I heard it. 

In your case it's the same. Your discomfort is the deciding factor. The fact that you've described it so well is even better. I love this explanation: "There's something about a text that screams, "This is between you and me only.' It's so private and intimate. Anything can be said/shared and even misconstrued." It is WHY the texts are inappropriate: They MAKE them so.

[Stret]

On 12/23/2020 at 9:13 PM, sheep123 said:

THANK YOU, amygirl908.

My husband works with a bunch of women and has a bunch of female friends, but he doesn't TEXT them. Same with me ~ I don't text my male colleagues or male neighbors or male Facebook friends.

There's something about a text that screams, "This is between you and me only." It's so private and intimate. Anything can be said/shared and even misconstrued.

Why should she have that relationship with my H? I don't care if they were even talking about the weather. . . If he's stopping his day to text in private directly to her inbox ~ it just annoys me. 

He doesn't care about losing her as a texting friend. He just feels badly for my pain. He looks at it as I lost a friend because I didn't trust her. He feels I insulted her so she's hurt. I say she hurt me by crossing that line.

 

I'd be really disappointed in my H if he took her side in any way. You did not insult her - you were just setting a boundaries that most of people would have set. It does indeed feel weird that she had this need to make him her texting buddy. Also, most people wouldn't text someone's husband especially after being asked to stop. She sounds very entitled and she disrespected you. This is not your friend but someone who is deliberately bringing trouble to your marriage or at the very least doesn't care about you as much as she cares about whatever it is that she is texting to your H. Very selfish. Get rid of her forever as she was kind enough to show you who she is. 

[Stret]

 

 

On 12/25/2020 at 1:49 AM, Foxhall said:

I guess women are always naturally suspicious at their man texting other women.

In my case I had plenty of years where I got no attention whatsoever from women and then all of a sudden in the last five years or so, I developed a few close women friends,

I enjoyed the novelty factor of this,

I have then been dating someone for about a year and a half now and she is not happy that I still text other women,

I find it hard to let go of the novelty factor, I enjoy having contact with these other ladies,

but I also want to make the relationship work and hopefully it can go the distance,

I know I enjoy having the attention of other women and I look on this as harmless,

I suppose if we ever get to marriage and so on , I cannot really justify having other close female friendships.

 

 

Read the topic I started some time in December. You will eventually stay alone and not have a relationship with anyone if you keep on wanting to keep them all. You have to set the priorities and you are not on that level in life where you think it should be your relationship. Let it go and when all the lady friends become boring and/or get their own life and boyfriends, then maybe you will see where you fitted in their lives when it comes to real things. Maybe you will regret your choices.

Edited January 14, 2021 by Stret
error in quote

[Foxhall]

5 hours ago, Stret said:

you are not on that level in life where you think it should be your relationship

thanks for your comment and you make good points also in your other thread.

probably at my age I should have my priorities clearer.

anyway will not make the thread about me.

[dramafreezone]

It's inappropriate for her to be texting your husband and for him to respond to it.  I think you're 100% in your rights to tell him and her to knock it off.