GF moved out out of nowhere - totally devastated

[lovesflame]

33 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

 

I very well may try to talk to her. I have not decided. She did struggle to communicate her feelings with me. I was guilty of that too sometimes, but I had to push her to tell me how she felt more often than not, and the day she left was the first time I heard she was unhappy with me. If we had been having huge issues and she had expressed she was not happy beforehand, I would not be at such 

Man I totally get it sorry you’re hurting so much . I see that it blind sided you and she didn’t even care to speak but rather than viewing thsg as she doesn’t care about YOU and internalize it in that way- think compassion that she couldn’t even express herself and that is sad for her .

then you will grow even more also all you can do is express your feelings openly and with no expectations you can’t control her responses . You can be honest 

I feel confused and I am sad about you leaving . I really valued our relationship.”

 

then ask her to respond 

 

and expect nothing but trust you will feel much better not from her response but from your own open hearted truth then listen to her compassionately 

[tart6245]

3 hours ago, lovesflame said:

Man I totally get it sorry you’re hurting so much . I see that it blind sided you and she didn’t even care to speak but rather than viewing thsg as she doesn’t care about YOU and internalize it in that way- think compassion that she couldn’t even express herself and that is sad for her .

then you will grow even more also all you can do is express your feelings openly and with no expectations you can’t control her responses . You can be honest 

I feel confused and I am sad about you leaving . I really valued our relationship.”

 

then ask her to respond 

 

and expect nothing but trust you will feel much better not from her response but from your own open hearted truth then listen to her compassionately 

Yes. I don't know what to do. I realize a lot of what she said could just be smoke and mirrors. I never knew her to lie to me which is why I blindly trusted her even though there were some signs she was going to leave before she left. But looking at them through the lens that she was not leaving, I never once thought that was happening. I trusted her with all I had. 

The only reason I would reach out to her is to see if she would even be interested in working things out and eventually getting back together. That's it. As was said earlier, closure does not come from your ex. Even if she spelled out everything that caused her to leave, it would not change much for me. I know what I did on my end after the time we have had apart. I am working to address that to make me a better person. What still confuses me is why she did not confront me about it and how it made her feel. I thought our bond with each other was stronger than it apparently was. 

[spiderowl]

It seems there was a lot going on in your relationship that was not really acknowledged or understood by either of you.  That is natural when in the midst of things.  You were frustrated with her personality, her introversion and her rather obsessive attachment to working out.  That is understandable if you are more of an extrovert than she is.  You just need to be aware that it is not something she can change or would want to.

I get the impression that, for whatever reason - hints from her or your sensing her disquiet - you were seeking reassurance from her that she loved you and wanted to be with you.  However, there are indications that you did not reassure her you loved her, in various ways.  Being reluctant to move in together is a big concern.  You had your reasons, but people in love will walk on water to be together, and would not be put off by a working situation.  They would be convinced they could 'make it work' somehow.  So you put her off moving in, did not ask her to marry you, and in order for you both to get some sleep you had to sleep apart.  All this would have left both of you feeling insecure and somewhat unloved.

As you had expressed your frustration with her not wanting to socialise, she probably felt inadequate and knew that she wasn't going to be the socialite you seemed to want.

It was a mixture of things that led to this point.  If a woman wants to get engaged and married, she does not want to have to ask for it.  That would be seen as demeaning.  If a guy did not seem to be moving forward on that, she has to decide whether to continue feeling devalued or to opt out.  She was unlikely to keep chasing you on this one.

As to whether there was anyone else involved, I have experienced a situation myself where, whilst being with someone and feeling uncertain about the situation, I met someone else in passing who appeared to be everything that my partner was not.  It did not mean I was going to be with this guy I'd met, it did not mean I wanted to be with him, it meant I became I aware of what I was missing in my life and that something needed to change.  It is a question of gaining a new perspective.  Whether she met someone who showed her an alternative way of being or not, does not matter, something became clearer to her and she opted out.

It may well be that you would have opted out if you had become more frustrated with her introversion and exercising.  If partners are sufficiently different personality wise, then they either have to accept and love their partner as they are, and have different expectations of a social life, or find someone more compatible.  Opposites have been known to attract and such relationships often work because one person is the upfront character, dealing with the public, and the other can retreat and do their own thing in the background.  Each complements the other.

Having said all the above, things changed and she moved out.  It may not have worked out regardless, but it is a shock to have this flung at you so suddenly.  If you did contact her, do you really think the relationship could work or would the same issues raise their heads again?  Was your reluctance to move in with her more to do with your uncertainty about her feelings?  There can be so many layers and dynamics behind a relationship.

Sometimes people are just not meant to be together.  Trying to make it work leads to frustration and demoralisation.  Maybe that's the way it was going and you were both clinging on to the hope that it wasn't failing?

I think it would help you to ask yourself some hard questions about what you were really feeling about her?  Did you feel safe, secure, happy?  Could you see things working out with her or was that more wishful thinking?

You have looked back on this and really worked hard to understand what has happened.  Many would just resort to anger at their ex and not accept any responsibility.  I think it's great that you have been open to looking at all aspects of your relationship.  It takes a mentally sophisticated person to do that.  It would be entirely understandable if you felt anger and hurt.  I wonder if it helps you to try to turn this into something positive in the long run.

Edited January 28, 2021 by spiderowl

[tart6245]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

It seems there was a lot going on in your relationship that was not really acknowledged or understood by either of you.  That is natural when in the midst of things.  You were frustrated with her personality, her introversion and her rather obsessive attachment to working out.  That is understandable if you are more of an extrovert than she is.  You just need to be aware that it is not something she can change or would want to.

I get the impression that, for whatever reason - hints from her or your sensing her disquiet - you were seeking reassurance from her that she loved you and wanted to be with you.  However, there are indications that you did not reassure her you loved her, in various ways.  Being reluctant to move in together is a big concern.  You had your reasons, but people in love will walk on water to be together, and would not be put off by a working situation.  They would be convinced they could 'make it work' somehow.  So you put her off moving in, did not ask her to marry you, and in order for you both to get some sleep you had to sleep apart.  All this would have left both of you feeling insecure and somewhat unloved.

As you had expressed your frustration with her not wanting to socialise, she probably felt inadequate and knew that she wasn't going to be the socialite you seemed to want.

It was a mixture of things that led to this point.  If a woman wants to get engaged and married, she does not want to have to ask for it.  That would be seen as demeaning.  If a guy did not seem to be moving forward on that, she has to decide whether to continue feeling devalued or to opt out.  She was unlikely to keep chasing you on this one.

As to whether there was anyone else involved, I have experienced a situation myself where, whilst being with someone and feeling uncertain about the situation, I met someone else in passing who appeared to be everything that my partner was not.  It did not mean I was going to be with this guy I'd met, it did not mean I wanted to be with him, it meant I became I aware of what I was missing in my life and that something needed to change.  It is a question of gaining a new perspective.  Whether she met someone who showed her an alternative way of being or not, does not matter, something became clearer to her and she opted out.

It may well be that you would have opted out if you had become more frustrated with her introversion and exercising.  If partners are sufficiently different personality wise, then they either have to accept and love their partner as they are, and have different expectations of a social life, or find someone more compatible.  Opposites have been known to attract and such relationships often work because one person is the upfront character, dealing with the public, and the other can retreat and do their own thing in the background.  Each complements the other.

Having said all the above, things changed and she moved out.  It may not have worked out regardless, but it is a shock to have this flung at you so suddenly.  If you did contact her, do you really think the relationship could work or would the same issues raise their heads again?  Was your reluctance to move in with her more to do with your uncertainty about her feelings?  There can be so many layers and dynamics behind a relationship.

Sometimes people are just not meant to be together.  Trying to make it work leads to frustration and demoralisation.  Maybe that's the way it was going and you were both clinging on to the hope that it wasn't failing?

I think it would help you to ask yourself some hard questions about what you were really feeling about her?  Did you feel safe, secure, happy?  Could you see things working out with her or was that more wishful thinking?

You have looked back on this and really worked hard to understand what has happened.  Many would just resort to anger at their ex and not accept any responsibility.  I think it's great that you have been open to looking at all aspects of your relationship.  It takes a mentally sophisticated person to do that.  It would be entirely understandable if you felt anger and hurt.  I wonder if it helps you to try to turn this into something positive in the long run.

I have no anger towards her and over the last month or so, I have grown to understand how she was feeling and how the things I said influenced her to decide to leave. Did I feel safe, secure and happy? Yes, I have never felt more secure and happy than when I was with her. Her leaving was such a shock to me that it took me a month to even process my emotions to the point where I could cry - and I cried more than I ever have. 

My reluctance to move in with her had entire to do with covid. She and her family thought it was ulterior motivates, but it was not at all. I just did not want us to be at a disadvantage, but her thinking at the time was we could survive anything. And when we did move in together, I thought things were working well, despite all the uncertainty in the world. I thought we had moved passed that issue. I know she was afraid she'd need to push and beg me for a marriage, but that was not the case. 

As for contacting her, I do think we could work things out now that I have had the time to really reflect and understand where I went wrong. The question is, would she even be interested. That, I do not know. And that is why I have held off trying to talk or contact her, because perhaps she doesn't want anything to do with me. Do I want to go through life always wondering what would have happened had I contacted her, told her what I have reflected on and what I will/have done to address it? I don't know. Probably not. There may come a day where I don't want to sit back and wonder what if and actually take action. I just know I love her for who she is, her faults, her flaws, the best parts of her and the worst. I hate I didn't tell her that before, but I want her to know that. 

I am sure I will keep wrestling with whether to talk to her or not over the next few weeks. But I have reflected on our relationship and certainly have no anger towards her. 

[tart6245]

I guess it's all part of the healing process, but the last few days for me have been rough. I'm much more emotional than I was early on and I keep feeling angry at myself for allowing the relationship to get to this point. I continue to keep my schedule full, but mornings seem to be the hardest for me, waking up and she not being there. I visited family late last week and had an emotional moment with them too, especially after they said they really thought she was the one and they expected we'd be planning a wedding later this year. 

I feel like I've lost it all and it's my own doing. I keep fighting the urge to try to speak to her and find out where she's at and how she is feeling. But then I keep telling myself that now is not the time. I wonder what she's thinking, whether she misses me or is happier without me, whether she has any second thoughts at all about all of this.

It's all just very hard. I thought we were going to be together forever. 

[Gaeta]

@tart6245 Some days are harder than others. I find weekends extremely hard as I don't have work to keep my mind busy. When I feel guilty, or feel like reaching to him I remember If someone wants to walk out of your life let them. 

[tart6245]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@tart6245 Some days are harder than others. I find weekends extremely hard as I don't have work to keep my mind busy. When I feel guilty, or feel like reaching to him I remember If someone wants to walk out of your life let them. 

Yes. That's what I keep telling myself, as hard as it can be. She chose to leave without an attempt to express to me her feelings and giving me a chance to address them. This was a breakup that had no major event that would cause someone to split up. I may never understand this one. 

[tart6245]

I know this could be a mistake, but I think I want to reach out to my ex in the near future. I keep struggling with whether it would make it easier if she rejected me again or whether I want to always wonder what may have happened if I had made contact. No one can say for sure what is on her mind. Part of me fears my silence has confirmed to her I never cared about the relationship and didn't care that she left, as she pointed out when she was leaving how I didn't seem to care she was leaving. 

While I am still hurting, I have had time to dissect what went wrong on my end and am now addressing it, if not for her than for future relationships. The feelings are not as raw as they were weeks ago and in a few weeks I should be stronger than I am today. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

I know this could be a mistake, but I think I want to reach out to my ex in the near future.

Don't backpedal. Moving out is a huge and final step away from the relationship. You're hurting of course but why contact her? She didn't 'reject you", she figured after all this time it was simply not working. 

[tart6245]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't backpedal. Moving out is a huge and final step away from the relationship. You're hurting of course but why contact her? She didn't 'reject you", she figured after all this time it was simply not working. 

I could change my mind again and not go through with it. I just cannot stop thinking about the times she would say I didn't care or that I seemed disappointed in her for whatever reason even though I would tell her that was not the case. She would take things personally if I was upset over something totally different and unrelated to her and her reaction would be to be silent. Perhaps that is a problem on her end as well in that she could not express to me how she felt about things. 

If it weren't for things like that, I would not contact her at all. I could be wrong in doing that and she will ignore me or tell me she's happier without me or has no interest in any future.

[Gaeta]

59 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

she would say I didn't care or that I seemed disappointed in her for whatever reason even though I would tell her that was not the case.

She would take things personally if I was upset over something totally different and unrelated to her and her reaction would be to be silent.

What you've describing here is lack of emotional maturity and lack of self-awareness on her part. That side of her will  not change in 6 weeks. She will handle all of your future disagreement the same way she did in the past. You cannot carry this relationship on your shoulders only. It's a 2 people business. 

That being said I understand your desire to contact her, sometimes people need a second blow to fully understand it's over, it might be the confirmation you need to finally move on. Yes it will re-open the wound, delay your recovery BUT the wondering will stop. I think you are aware of all that. 

How would you proceed in contacting her?

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

What you've describing here is lack of emotional maturity and lack of self-awareness on her part. That side of her will  not change in 6 weeks. She will handle all of your future disagreement the same way she did in the past. You cannot carry this relationship on your shoulders only. It's a 2 people business. 

That being said I understand your desire to contact her, sometimes people need a second blow to fully understand it's over, it might be the confirmation you need to finally move on. Yes it will re-open the wound, delay your recovery BUT the wondering will stop. I think you are aware of all that. 

How would you proceed in contacting her?

I have not gotten that far yet. It won't be in any manner that would put her on the spot. It's entirely possible she's still confused and doesn't know what to do. 

You're right about that side of her causing issues. While I know I said things that drove her away from me, she was never able to tell me her true feelings so I could try to compromise or meet her needs. I know that impacted things more than I realize now. She seemed to focus on how she wasn't pleasing me more than just understanding all I wanted to do was spend time doing things with her and that I was happy with her. 

I fully expect nothing to come of contacting her if I go through with it. If that is the case, at least she'll know how I felt about her. If she does respond positively, I will take it from there. If I am shot down, at least I will know to let go of the small amount of hope I have left that we can work on our issues and come out stronger. Now that the initial shock of this event has worn off, I am grieving more now. It would be extremely hard to let her go forever, but I don't want to beg someone to be with me. I have too much going for me in my life to do that. 

Edited February 2, 2021 by tart6245

[Yosemite]

To go back to you she has to go against her father. Not many people younger than 30 are willing to do that...especially not for someone that they didn't feel completely loved by.

Even if she did come back, you wouldn't be able to relax because you would be thinking that she would just up and leave at any moment especially after spending the day with her family.

I'm just wondering why you made her wait so long to meet your family. That's really insulting, why did you do that?

[tart6245]

21 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

To go back to you she has to go against her father. Not many people younger than 30 are willing to do that...especially not for someone that they didn't feel completely loved by.

Even if she did come back, you wouldn't be able to relax because you would be thinking that she would just up and leave at any moment especially after spending the day with her family.

I'm just wondering why you made her wait so long to meet your family. That's really insulting, why did you do that?

I don't know if her parents are involved at all. From all I knew of them, we got along well and they said they liked me. I don't want to place blame on them.

I wish I had not waited so long. My last relationship before her ended very badly, so I was more guarded this time around. It led to a lot of these issues. She was supposed to meet my family earlier, but then the pandemic hit and having new people around them was not an option. She also waited a long time to introduce me to her family, but not as long as I did. I was trying to make up for lost time this year and I was excited to spend the holidays together. Then that did not happen.

You are right about not being relaxed about her doing that again. Ideally, we would work on our communication, but I know that is a weakness and is not all my fault. She would need to be better about expressing her feelings to me too. I know it would not be easy if we did decide to give it another go and she may not even want to bother with it. I think a lot of the things would not be difficult to address, but I realize she chose to leave and not even try to address them.

[Gaeta]

2 important things you need to keep in mind.

1. Her father thought you were full of excuses

2. She told you to go find another woman

These 2 things really weigh heavy in the balance.

 

[tart6245]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

2 important things you need to keep in mind.

1. Her father thought you were full of excuses

2. She told you to go find another woman

These 2 things really weigh heavy in the balance.

 

Yes I know. She didn't say go find another woman, but she didn't tell me I could not. It was more along the lines of her thinking I didn't think she was my soulmate and maybe I could find someone that was. It goes along with the theme of her thinking I was not happy with who she was.  

Obviously, even if she and I are done for good, I won't be trying to meet new people anytime soon. My hopes are not high that she will be willing to talk to me, but I think right now, I don't want to let it go for good until I know. At that point, I will move on and not make the same mistakes I made this time. 

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

 It was more along the lines of her thinking I didn't think she was my soulmate and maybe I could find someone that was.

This is a lot of passive-aggressiveness on her part.

You've been blaming yourself a great deal for things you shouldn't. Rest assured that any 'harder' attempts on your part to fix things would have  been met with the same passive-aggressiveness and lack of maturity. 

[tart6245]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is a lot of passive-aggressiveness on her part.

You've been blaming yourself a great deal for things you shouldn't. Rest assured that any 'harder' attempts on your part to fix things would have  been met with the same passive-aggressiveness and lack of maturity. 

I realize I have been hard on myself. I know had she handled things differently and understood that sometimes you have to have difficult talks with your long term partner, things would be different today. I know I am not 100% at fault for what happened. I am in the phase where I am internalizing what I did wrong because I am the only person that can correct problems on my end.

There may be no saving what we had together. She may find it easier to start with someone new. If that is the case, I will accept the outcome and learn from this relationship. There is nothing more I can do.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, tart6245 said:

her thinking I didn't think she was my soulmate and maybe I could find someone that was.

It's actually much more likely that she thought the opposite by the end, but she's too chicken-manure to say it. 

Ask yourself this: what will you do if you contact her, and come to find out she is talking to someone else? 

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's actually much more likely that she thought the opposite by the end, but she's too chicken-manure to say it. 

Ask yourself this: what will you do if you contact her, and come to find out she is talking to someone else? 

I would find that out eventually regardless. I am not sure if I would feel worse or if it would help me move on easier knowing she could move on that quickly. 

[Allupinnit]

I'd give it another 30 days, honestly.  She won't forget you in that amount of time, and your feelings by then might have changed.  I'm in the camp of not reaching out but I have been in your shoes and done it myself.  It never amounted to anything and I wish I hadn't, but I also know how desperate you feel at the moment.

I'm sorry you're hurting.  It really is the worst kind of pain.  But if you wait, who knows she might reach out herself and you'd feel much better about it then.

[tart6245]

37 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I'd give it another 30 days, honestly.  She won't forget you in that amount of time, and your feelings by then might have changed.  I'm in the camp of not reaching out but I have been in your shoes and done it myself.  It never amounted to anything and I wish I hadn't, but I also know how desperate you feel at the moment.

I'm sorry you're hurting.  It really is the worst kind of pain.  But if you wait, who knows she might reach out herself and you'd feel much better about it then.

I'll give it at least another 2 weeks at minimum. I don't plan to do it now. I don't have high hopes for any answers or any reconciliation, but I hope I'm wrong. If I get nothing, maybe that will help me move on faster and realize what we had was nothing special. 

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

 and realize what we had was nothing special. 

I don't think it's right to think that. It was good once and it's not what she wanted anymore. I often have the Roxette song in my head: it must have been love but it's over now.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, tart6245 said:

I would find that out eventually regardless. I am not sure if I would feel worse or if it would help me move on easier knowing she could move on that quickly. 

She didn't move on quickly. Moving out takes planning and she's been unhappy for a long time before ending it and moving out.

You feel blindsided because you were not aware of her despair. Either she hid it or you were coasting along obliviously.

When you pause and reflect, you know very well why she left and you can probably even pinpoint when it started falling apart.

This is what you should be doing. Not chasing her or her family.

Reflecting so the same things don't happen again. Without reflection and insight....They will.

 

[turokturok5]

Hey Tart, probably an unpopular opinion here and I would listen to other people if they shut me down because they probably have more experience than I, but in my opinion I think you should just contact her and say what you want to say. It sounds like you have been torturing yourself about whether or not to do it for weeks and you'll continue to torture yourself and wander the "what ifs" unless you do it. 

To me it sounds like you're going to contact her regardless of whether or not people advise you to do it. If you do it now and you get shut down, you can to TRULY start to move on knowing you did everything and said everything you could possibly say to try to work it out with her and that at the end of the day, she just made a decision to not want to try anymore and there is NOTHING you can do to force somebody to want something no matter how badly you want it and how easily you think the problems you were having could be fixed.

You 100% will feel a LOT worse than you do now after contacting her though, but irrespective of whether you do it now, do it in 2 weeks, 4 weeks or 8 weeks, you will feel the same pain. But in my opinion it is better to feel that pain ASAP and really start to move on rather than to waste more days, weeks or months that could be spent finding someone who is willing to fight for a relationship with you and stick it through the tough times. 

My girlfriend dumped me around the same time yours did with somewhat similar circumstances (i.e. her wanting more of a commitment) and not wanting to work on our "issues", although I wasn't as blindsided as you were. Unlike you have done, I reached out to her after less than a week to "lay it all on the line". A week doesn't seem like a long time but I spent probably 90% of my waking hours analyzing what went wrong, what we could do to fix it and desperately wanted her back. I met up with her and talked about what I think went wrong and how I think we could fix it. She was surprised that I completely understood how she was feeling and what went wrong from her perspective, but her heart just wasn't in it anymore and she didn't want to waste anymore time on trying to fix something that might be inherently broken when she could just go out and try to find someone else. I was devastated, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could say or do anymore to try and get her back. 

After that I immediately went no contact with her and blocked her on everything (or so I thought) and was feeling happier/more optimistic day by day. A few weeks later she emailed me asking if we could meet up as my birthday was coming up, she felt bad about dumping me so close to my birthday and wanted to give me a present I agreed and we went out for a few hours, she gave me a present, we hugged, she cried and said she missed me but didn't want to give me hope.

Surprisingly I didn't feel sad because in my mind, because she had chose to throw our relationship away, I thought that she was the one who would need hope to have me back now. She messaged me the next day telling me how amazing I am, how I deserve the world and more, how lucky she had been to have me in her life but we were now on "different paths" (lol). I didn't respond and haven't talked to her in almost a month now. I'm in a much better place now than I was 6 weeks ago - after feeling like I did everything I could do to try save the relationship things got a lot easier. I continue to have good and bad days - had a bit of a rough day today at work and would always debrief with her when I did (we worked in the same field), which is why I'm lurking on the forum right now, but I would say that 90% of the time I have good days! I just feel like once you had exhausted all the "power" you have to try and get them back, if it fails, you start to accept in your core that its over. I'm no longer mourning the relationship I had with my ex, I just miss her as a person... 

Edited February 3, 2021 by turokturok5