Saartje Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 (edited) hi everyone, first of all, I know I'm being wrong for being 'the other woman'. But I really need to vent my story and maybe I could get some other perspective on it. I met this guy 5 years ago when he co-incidentally was in my hometown. He lives about 200 miles from here. He started persuing me and we started texting. I wasnt before long that he asked me if I woud wanna meet him again when he was in my toen again. He is really attractive and we had the most amazing sex at his hotelroom. I knew he had a girlfriend. We kept texting and it was mainly about sex and all the things that he wanted to do with me. During the years, I think we met each other about 8 times, which were mainly his initiatives. When I was in a relationship, we would meet for just a drink and chat and have no sex. All these years he's been in my mind, liken someone I really care for. I was in love for the first year, but after that, I changed for me into a friend with whom I can have great sex. The last year, it seems like his interest in me is growing stronger. He regularly texts me, asking how Im doing, telling me he's thinking bout me. He initiated our meetings even more and added me to his socials, liking my posts. He initiated for us to see each other next week and then, this one morning, he sended me this avatar of himself with a big, pounding red heart in it, stating 'I'm crazy for you'. I respondend, sending him something in the same order. It really touched me, I thought that he might be in love with me etc. But after that, I didnt hear from him again. Our meeting is still standing, but Im so confused. His statement and heart gave me butterflies and I do think he's genuine. At the other side, he leaves me hanging ever since and, as far as I know, is still with his SO. (they have a son together). I think Im in love with him and I geel for him, but on the other side, Im angry and fed up with him bc I dont know if he's genuine of just playing games.. Edited December 23, 2020 by Saartje
denwickdroylsden Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 Sorry, friend, but I think he's been playing you all along. As for his current abrupt silence, maybe his SO has gotten wise.
stillafool Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 Playing games? Of course he is and so are you. You both knew he was in a relationship when your affair started so I don't know what you expect other than sex. The extra attention he was paying you could have been because of a down time him and his girl were having. They made up and now he's stopped until it time to meet you for sex again. 1
pepperbird2 Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 If you want to know what's in his mind, why not ask him? 1
BaileyB Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 (edited) Your relationship has been based around occasional hookups for sex for years. The heart probably means he is looking forward to seeing you for sex next time. He was probably bored and fantasizing when he sent it. Don’t assume that it is more than it is... the man is still married, is he not? So, which one is it - are you fed up or all you all in if he professes his love for you with a heart emoji? Edited December 23, 2020 by BaileyB 4
Luna66star Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 This man has totally played you. Never get involved with attached men. I see the same heartbreaking stories as yours and never ending wasted time on these blogs. He's a cheater with his own selfish needs being the primary focus. When things get rocky with the GF he looks to you for a distraction. You are being used here. Please dump him asap, never look back. Don't try to analyze this situation any further. Go out and live your life. Find someone with more integrity who is available. 1
anika99 Posted December 24, 2020 Posted December 24, 2020 he is using you as his back up. When he fights with his girlfriend or has relationship problems then he turns his attention to you. Once things get better with gf then you are put back on the shelf until next time 2
GeriLyn Posted December 26, 2020 Posted December 26, 2020 I can relate to this in many ways. I just joined here and have been browsing various forums and advice pages because I feel like I am losing my mind over the guy where I am the OW. And I have NO ONE to talk to!! Started out great- we met by chance and struck up a casual on-line conversation. He was laid off so home all day while his SO (not married but had been engaged) was at work so we were messaging all day long every day. He had some troubles (legit- not lies) and told me that he had lost everything- friends, family, fiancee. Asked him why he was still living with her and he said she was letting him as he had no place else to go. Of course my sympathy feelers were activated, along with my gut which raised a big red flag. But I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt as I could not prove it was otherwise. He said they hate each other, the engagement is off, she knows it....and that all she does is nag, etc... Along the way, other things set my red flags off, but I chose to ignore them. Especially the no texting after 5PM or on weekends. He just wanted to keep the peace, he said because she was "monitoring" him because of those aforementioned troubles that led to the alleged ending of the engagement. He says he loves me often- he was the first one to day it, and I love him definitely. He's become my reason for being. We live fairly close-by and yes we have met...etc (read between the lines) But..... Lately some things happened where she has been at home all day during the work week for about 3 weeks, and I barely hear from him. I try to lean back and not be needy and flip my wig, although I have a couple of times and he tells me I need to "relax." (worst thing ever to say to a woman in the grips of strong emotions!) I try to not initiate any texting as a needy, sad, begging woman is a total turn-off. But I am BEREFT! It's like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Going from 100MPH to almost Zero. Waiting for little crumbs...short texts maybe once a day, or every other day. It's devastating as I believed in him, put my heart and soul in to being there for him, listening, sympathizing, giving him gifts, helping financially. He never asked- but it's just my giving nature. He assures me things will be back to "normal" soon enough, but this agony I am feeling is horrendous. I know deep down the stories are probably not true- I've suspected for a long time but chose to suspend my disbelief. I think he started out with that story so I would not run, but now he's dug the hole so deep he can't backtrack and 'fess up to the truth. Sadly, i realize I have become addicted- and like drug withdrawals, I wake up each morning shaking and almost in tears. It takes me half the day to pull myself together. I have moments of peace where I am okay with accepting whatever comes along, moments of rage at being treated thus, moments of grief, hours of panic and depression. I did this to myself- but I also am not ready to end it. But I also know if I am reacting this way to "temporary set back" --if things do truly come to an end, or for that matter, he marries her while still carrying on with me- I may end up in the looney bin because I can barely function now. Ugh. HELP!
Author Saartje Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) hi everyone, I just wanted to give you an update. Since my last post, our contact has only intensified. It even got this far that he confessed he had real, true feelings for me. That he is smitten, nervous to see me etc. that, if we would want to see if it could truely has a potential for a relationship, we could/should see each other more often. I responded that I too have real feelings for him, but that, seeing the circumstances, it would be complicated to see each other more often. Edited January 5, 2021 by Saartje
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) What has changed? He can feel nervous and excited to see you, and still be in another relationship and not available to be in a relationship with you. He can also be developing feelings for you, but still not willing to do what is required to actually be in a relationship with you. I’m sorry, but these are just words. Words said to get you to meet him for sex next week. He doesn’t need to see you more often to decide whether there is potential for a relationship... When my parents met, they were both dating others. As the story goes, the day after they met they both dumped the other people they were dating and forty years later... Words mean little, if he is still in another relationship. Edited January 5, 2021 by BaileyB
elaine567 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 On 12/26/2020 at 8:00 PM, GeriLyn said: Ugh. HELP! Start your own thread is the best idea You are hijacking this one.. 1
Author Saartje Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: What has changed? He can feel nervous and excited to see you, and still be in another relationship and not available to be in a relationship with you. He can also be developing feelings for you, but still not willing to do what is required to actually be in a relationship with you. I’m sorry, but these are just words. Words said to get you to meet him for sex next week. He doesn’t need to see you more often to decide whether there is potential for a relationship... When my parents met, they were both dating others. As the story goes, the day after they met they both dumped the other people they were dating and forty years later... Words mean little, if he is still in another relationship. yeah, there's a point in what you're saying. But having him opening up and telling me that he genuinely has feelings for me is ok but a bit confusing, since I myself do not know what to do with it. I'd rather not have him jump in a relationship with him, without being pretty dsure we're truly compatible, since he has a family. So I can easily understatement why he wants to first explore our 'true' connection
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) I’m sorry, but this is messed up. Read what you have posted again...you are saying that you understand why this man doesn’t want to break up his family, without confirming first that he has a true connection with the woman he has been having sex with for the past five years. Let’s say that you have a true connection with him - questions to ask yourself would be... how do you feel about being “that woman” - the woman who has said, “Yes, let’s explore whether what we have is worth breaking up a family.” How are you going to manage the logistics - he lives 200 miles away. Does he plan to see his son on a regular basis? And most important - how in the world would you trust a man who you KNOW for a FACT is not trustworthy - he has been having sex with you whenever he visits your town for work for the past five years! And then, returning home to family life... Just know, if he will do it with you, he will do it to you... With kindness, you need to bring your head down from the clouds... you have been a convenient and “safe” form of extramarital sex for this man for years... Safe because you live far way and you have been content to accept the little that he has offered. But still, words mean nothing - easy to say and easily forgotten. But not for you, they have you in a tizzy right now wondering - what if? On the odd chance that he is considering leaving his family... the odds of this becoming a healthy relationship for you are slim to none. First reason, logistics - he has a family who live 200 km from you, they are going to be none to happy with a new relationship and the situation - assuming they want continued contact with the man. Reason two, he is not a trustworthy man. Five years, he has been visiting you for sex when he travels for work... and returning home to his family. And now, for whatever reason, he is saying that he is considering leaving his family - he’s trying to make it seem better than it is, but what you have is a selfish man who is trying to hedge his bets, to possibly monkey branch from one woman to another. Personally, there is no way that I would want this man. His values and his character are not relationship material for me. IF you are willing to accept him into your life, to take the risk, I would suggest that you tell him to figure out the logistics, and come to you with divorce papers in hand. It’s doubtful that he will do that. But seriously, don’t accept anything less. IF that ever was to happen and you were to be together, then begins the fun of wondering who he is having sex with the next time he travels out of town for work... perhaps, it will even be his former relationship partner. THAT is not how I would ever want to live my life... How about you? Edited January 5, 2021 by BaileyB 1
PassionatelyCurious Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 On 12/23/2020 at 9:01 AM, pepperbird2 said: If you want to know what's in his mind, why not ask him? Because he won't give her an honest answer. He is already cheating on his wife/girlfriend. Clearly, he has no qualms lying for personal gain. Her asking him is just going to result in her being lied to more and building false hope up over him more. Bad idea.
PassionatelyCurious Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) On 12/23/2020 at 6:06 AM, Saartje said: hi everyone, first of all, I know I'm being wrong for being 'the other woman'. But I really need to vent my story and maybe I could get some other perspective on it. I met this guy 5 years ago when he co-incidentally was in my hometown. He lives about 200 miles from here. He started persuing me and we started texting. I wasnt before long that he asked me if I woud wanna meet him again when he was in my toen again. He is really attractive and we had the most amazing sex at his hotelroom. I knew he had a girlfriend. We kept texting and it was mainly about sex and all the things that he wanted to do with me. During the years, I think we met each other about 8 times, which were mainly his initiatives. When I was in a relationship, we would meet for just a drink and chat and have no sex. All these years he's been in my mind, liken someone I really care for. I was in love for the first year, but after that, I changed for me into a friend with whom I can have great sex. The last year, it seems like his interest in me is growing stronger. He regularly texts me, asking how Im doing, telling me he's thinking bout me. He initiated our meetings even more and added me to his socials, liking my posts. He initiated for us to see each other next week and then, this one morning, he sended me this avatar of himself with a big, pounding red heart in it, stating 'I'm crazy for you'. I respondend, sending him something in the same order. It really touched me, I thought that he might be in love with me etc. But after that, I didnt hear from him again. Our meeting is still standing, but Im so confused. His statement and heart gave me butterflies and I do think he's genuine. At the other side, he leaves me hanging ever since and, as far as I know, is still with his SO. (they have a son together). I think Im in love with him and I geel for him, but on the other side, Im angry and fed up with him bc I dont know if he's genuine of just playing games.. I was fed a lot of the same lies as you. She was married, but claimed the marriage was over. She would send sweet texts all morning, noon, and night. She would profess her love for me regularly, tell me how she wants a future with me, etc. All lies. They just feed you whatever lies they feel you want to hear, or lies that feed whatever *fantasy world* they want to have with you. But, so long as they have a significant other, it is all just a fantasy and a bunch of lies. You have already received a lot of good advice here, most of which was probably from people in similar circumstances to yours (or his). If he respected you, he wouldn't stay with his wife/girlfriend. If he wanted something serious, he would've left her a LONG time ago. I mean seriously, five years and you are still believing he might leave her??? Don't you think that's a bit naive??? And as others have already said, he is willing to cheat on his current wife/girlfriend. I can assure you, if he's willing to do it to her, if by some miracle he DOES eventually leave her, he WILL do the same to you. So, if you are ok with him having sex with other women every time he leaves town and/or you're not around, then I guess go for it. Every single thing you have told us about this situation is textbook and has NO good ending to it on your end. You are being used and manipulated. The sooner you realize that and run away, the sooner you can start the healing process. Edited January 5, 2021 by Search4twinflame I'm a dummy brain that can't spell right
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 18 hours ago, Saartje said: genuinely Heh heh...doubtful 18 hours ago, Saartje said: our 'true' connection His translation: I don't want to invest the energy into finding your OW replacement. Plus look how easy it is for me to keep you in your place. I can just give the appearance that I'm finally "opening up" (shrouded in the romantic notion that it took me five years to work up the courage, because yeah, that sounds much better than the truth). OP, you are being played like a fiddle. This guy's definition of 'true' connection is "you are convenient for me." Incidentally, he also has a 'true' connection with his wife, which is why he's still married to her. FIVE YEARS, OP. Five years you'll never get back or have to invest in your future. How many more years will you give to this? At least set a definite timeline for yourself to exit should you never get an actual bite of that carrot he's dangling in front of your face for FIVE YEARS NOW. Get yourself out of this. You are on a road to nowhere with this guy. Actions, nor words! Think with your head, not with your heart. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 18 hours ago, Saartje said: . I'd rather not have him jump in a relationship with him, without being pretty dsure we're truly compatible, since he has a family. Have you met his family? You really can't be sure of anyone without knowing how they live or their complete circumstances. All you do know is he is ready willing and able to cheat.
Author Saartje Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) thans you all for your advices, it really helps me to stad grounded. I know I might be to naïve, but its not that we've had a fullblown affair for 5 years. after out first meeting, it took a whole year before we met again. than, another 9 months. for the first 4 years of our 'affair' it was mainly just focused on having sex, which I enjoyed. He than asked me for another meeting and he explicitly wanted to drink something with me, to get to know me better. Since then, he is really texting me, also about just other stuff, he's making lot of effect to meet. And it seems to only get more intense, with him sending hearts and telling he has true feelings for me as a culmination. so the 'emotional bond' and him opening up is something pretty New and it does feel kind of genuine, since before that, it where a few hook-ups for sex. it seems like a switch has taken place and that, since a while, he is really invested into the emotional side of our contact. and, what I've also noticed is that hes giving me these sweet little nicknames like 'sweetheart' 'love' etc. where before, it would be 'hotty' or 'sexy'. our conversaties are more personal, and not just about sex. and this is all his initiative, cause I keep myself a bit aloof to not get to involved. ps: of these 5 years I cut off our contact for about a year bc I feit guilty and at one point had a bf myself. I dont wanna cheat Edited January 6, 2021 by Saartje 1
pepperbird2 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 20 hours ago, Search4twinflame said: Because he won't give her an honest answer. He is already cheating on his wife/girlfriend. Clearly, he has no qualms lying for personal gain. Her asking him is just going to result in her being lied to more and building false hope up over him more. Bad idea. That's the point. If he's that dishonest, what on earth makes her think he'll tell her the truth.
BaileyB Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 3 minutes ago, Saartje said: the 'emotional bond' and him opening up is something pretty New and it does feel kind of genuine, since before that, it where a few hook-ups for sex. it seems like a switch has taken place and that, since a while, he is really invested into the emotional side of our contact. Is he still in another relationship? Respectfully, it matters not how many kind and wonderful words he texts you if he is still in a committed relationship with another woman...
pepperbird2 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 4 minutes ago, Saartje said: thans you all for your advices, it really helps me to stad grounded. I know I might be to naïve, but its not that we've had a fullblown affair for 5 years. after out first meeting, it took a whole year before we met again. than, another 9 months. for the first 4 years of our 'affair' it was mainly just focused on having sex, which I enjoyed. He than asked me for another meeting and he explicitly wanted to drink something with me, to get to know me better. Since then, he is really texting me, also about just other stuff, he's making lot of effect to meet. And it seems to only get more intense, with him sending hearts and telling he has true feelings for me as a culmination. so the 'emotional bond' and him opening up is something pretty New and it does feel kind of genuine, since before that, it where a few hook-ups for sex. it seems like a switch has taken place and that, since a while, he is really invested into the emotional side of our contact. and, what I've also noticed is that hes giving me these sweet little nicknames like 'sweetheart' 'love' etc. where before, it would be 'hotty' or 'sexy'. our conversaties are more personal, and not just about sex. and this is all his initiative, cause I keep myself a bit aloof to not get to involved Those are just words, and talk is cheap. Doe she back up his words with action?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 21 hours ago, Saartje said: So I can easily understatement why he wants to first explore our 'true' connection You realize this is impossible while he's still in another relationship, no? You two can't explore anything to its true potential when he's not single, OP. There's just no way around that. You're both deluding yourselves if you actually believe that, though I suspect he is fully aware it's BS and is just hoping you'll buy it so you continue playing second fiddle to his girlfriend when it suits him. If you want to see if he's really willing to put his money where his mouth is, tell him you won't see him again unless and until he is single. If he protests this, then you will know he never intended to leave her for you in the first place. I suspect you're going to be disappointed in the outcome, either way. 1
BaileyB Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) What he is doing is actually really unkind to you. He is offering words, giving you hope, allowing you to believe that these words mean something when they do not. He has no right to be sending these texts because he is otherwise committed, and thus not available to be making any promises to you. To be fair, he doesn’t have to say much to give you hope... As is said on this site, a MM needs only to offer a few kind words and make a few empty promises, and the OW often takes it from there... creating a fantasy relationship that leads to their eventual disappointment. This is exactly what you are doing OP. Be careful, the reality here is nothing like the fantasy you are beginning to create in your mind. Edited January 6, 2021 by BaileyB
stillafool Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 On 1/5/2021 at 8:44 AM, Saartje said: that, if we would want to see if it could truely has a potential for a relationship, we could/should see each other more often. Has he moved out? If the above is true and you want him too what is the hold up? He isn't married to her.
PassionatelyCurious Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 11 hours ago, Saartje said: thans you all for your advices, it really helps me to stad grounded. I know I might be to naïve, but its not that we've had a fullblown affair for 5 years. after out first meeting, it took a whole year before we met again. than, another 9 months. for the first 4 years of our 'affair' it was mainly just focused on having sex, which I enjoyed. He than asked me for another meeting and he explicitly wanted to drink something with me, to get to know me better. Since then, he is really texting me, also about just other stuff, he's making lot of effect to meet. And it seems to only get more intense, with him sending hearts and telling he has true feelings for me as a culmination. so the 'emotional bond' and him opening up is something pretty New and it does feel kind of genuine, since before that, it where a few hook-ups for sex. it seems like a switch has taken place and that, since a while, he is really invested into the emotional side of our contact. and, what I've also noticed is that hes giving me these sweet little nicknames like 'sweetheart' 'love' etc. where before, it would be 'hotty' or 'sexy'. our conversaties are more personal, and not just about sex. and this is all his initiative, cause I keep myself a bit aloof to not get to involved. ps: of these 5 years I cut off our contact for about a year bc I feit guilty and at one point had a bf myself. I dont wanna cheat My best interpretation of his intentions from what you're saying here is this... He is unhappy in his marriage. So, he cheated (with you). After cheating, since the sex was good, he started using you as his "gap filler." What this means is you replaced the gaps that were missing in his current marriage. Keep in mind though, you are just a gap filler. At the end of the day, he goes home to his WIFE, and his family, and he has chosen to do that for FIVE YEARS now. He is most likely sending you all the sweet texts because he continues to be unhappy in his marriage and you are an escape. But, he is making the choice to remain in those circumstances with his wife for a reason. NOTHING he tells you at this point can be trusted, as he is cheating, using you on the side, and clearly has no qualms playing games with others for his own gain. If you don't think so, go ahead and have a talk with his current wife. If you truly want anything between you two, your ONLY hope of that actually happening is to cut him off until he leaves his wife. This means NO sex, NO meeting up, and NO interaction AT ALL between you two until he actually leaves her. Then, you will see what he truly wants, which I can almost guarantee is to stay with her. But, at least then you'll know without a doubt you are just being strung along as an escape for him. You're being used Saartje. For five years now no less. Go find someone who wants to make YOU their priority, not their ego-boosting side-f*ck. Not trying to be rude, but at this point, that's all you are for him. Good luck to you.
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