candycane93 Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 2 years ago I met a guy from my class in university. We dated briefly but were both very stressed with the course (it was a heavy postgrad) and so decided to keep platonic as we both suffer with anxiety. Throughout 2019 we remained in contact regularly, both in class and outside and often considered trying out a relationship but eventually after the course, I moved 5 hours up north to be back with my family (he's in London). We'd speak here and there on messenger and help eachother out with our art (we're also both portrait artists) and somehow, from around June/July 2020 onwards, we began video chatting and phoning every weekend. Our connection shifted from friends to more, as it was in 2018 but this time we were alot more secure in ourselves and we more or less started out a very romantic phase. Due to his job (teacher) and the fact that there have been rules with the pandemic, none of us made the effort to see eachother. I decided not to fall hard as this guy, in my opinion, is something of a 8/10 in looks (And, rather modestly, I've been called a 6 at most haha). I have had a crush on him since the day he walked into the classroom and have found that hes very charming and catches the eyes of many girls. But..he was VERY persistent as the months went on and in Autumn said he wanted to finally come up and see me and, if I wanted..to start dating properly. He's 30 (and I'm 28) and we both still live with our families. He told me constantly that he wants to move out into his own place before we start dating as its just not the ideal (I also have issues with that as my family are VERY conservative where we're more free-thinking). I've struggled since November to believe that he's not been with any other girl as for around a week he was ALWAYS showing as online and treating me a little more..offhand. I had it out with him immediately, demanding that he first of all tell me what we were as I was confused by the terminology he defined us as "Youre my best friend but I obviously have feelings for you too/You're MY Sarah/I've always gravitated towards you" and said that he had a huge problem expressing his feelings when it came to relationships as he hadnt been in one in years. He supposedly had a mild anxiety attack when I stated I was going to consider withdrawing myself from this tentative situation and cut him off but I decided that would be unfair as he has been there for me the past 2 years, especially this year. After this incident, he told me he was gonna come up to see me so long as there were no rules with covid. To my surprise, last week, he said "Heyyyyy! so guess whos coming to see you tomorrow if youre free? Yep, Im booking my tickets. I NEED to see you x!!". The spontaneity was both TERRIFYING and AMAZING. We'd been talking non-stop for almost a year and we were finally gonna sort "us" out. He arrived and we spent the day talking/reminiscing and acting like a couple and we exchanged Christmas gifts, one of which was a portrait of me and a bunch of pictures I'd admired in his gallery. At one point he held me close and began to cry (Ive never witnessed this) stating "I..i just..I dont know how to explain this. You - you make me happy but I know Im going home tomorrow and I dont know how long its gonna be til I see you". He then demanded we talk about US. I sat there, waiting to be heartbroken when he said " Heres the thing. I want a relationship with you. I want to be with you. You make me happy but..the distance...and the climate ..its not right is it? If you're happy to..I want to keep seeing you after Christmas. If the pandemic lets us. I want to climb that mountain near your house and have adventures. But..I dont think I can be with someone who is 200miles away". Weirdly, I wasnt disappointed. I was so used to the distance between us that it didnt affect me. Until recently where I realise I've more or less agreed to be his "casual" girlfriend, which I am NOT happy about. He works in a school with lots of women who are at least 6/7 years older than him and I fear that a young pretty woman will walk in and he will drop me. I do have insecurity issues so I cant say its all on him. At one point I saw a girl in the corner of his phone and after hesitating to question who she was, I jokingly said "Oye oye! whos that?" and to my HORROR and humiliation, he opened up the picture and....(this is terrible) it was ME. He said "Youre such an idiot haha". Since he left one week ago, he has been VERY chatty with me but at a distance. No "Heyy beautiful lady!!!" like last week and the weeks before but "Heyyy hows my favourite lady doin? ya missing me? xx" . I feel as though he's depriving me of affection yet keeping me at his side. But he also was adamant that he wants to start seeing me properly if either of us move close. I cried tonight whilst he was messaging as the conversation died and I miss him being so full on as he was when he was up visiting. Do I wait and see if he really wants me? or am I fooling myself?
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 Like you said, you accepted a casual situationship. He would be a fool to put in more effort when he doesn't have to, because of the agreement you made with him. 1
smackie9 Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 I would drop him...there are way way better relationships to be had than this one.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 He's made it clear he doesn't want to pursue anything, given the distance between you. Sticking around to keep him company until he meet someone local is a recipe for heartache. I would start to put significant distance between you and him.
Ami1uwant Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 I’ve been in this before. There are some long distances I can do, others I can’t.. in the past I met peop,e farther away and I talked to thrm about how tied down they were to where they were because in my career I can’t go anywhere to work. I think that might be the situation he is in now. He might be focused on his career and where he could work. Your location likely isn’t one of them. how do you feel about him? Can you work where he lives? im not saying stringing thus along but if you two were in the same area he probably would want to be with you.
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 LDRs are very difficult in themselves,add to that the on/off nature of this and it's a recipe for confusion and heartaches. Set yourself free to have a local relationship you can trust and believe in. This multi-year saga may seem like a love story to you, but it's not bringing the happiness you desire.
amygirl908 Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 On 12/22/2020 at 2:11 PM, candycane93 said: "Heyy beautiful lady!!!" vs "Heyyy hows my favourite lady doin? ya missing me? xx" . I feel as though he's depriving me of affection yet keeping me at his side. But he also was adamant that he wants to start seeing me properly if either of us move close. I cried tonight whilst he was messaging as the conversation died and I miss him being so full on as he was when he was up visiting. Do I wait and see if he really wants me? or am I fooling myself? I feel like perhaps you're overthinking some things. To me those texts are both equally as affectionate. I'd actually rather be a favorite lady than beautiful lady if you want to drill down the semantics. I know it's hard when you're anxious. I've definitely been there before especially when you really like someone. You're always going to be challenging and poking holes in this relationship until you can manage your anxiety better. Right now since he just left it feels like he's totally gone even though he's actually still "there" and it's just different. If you really like this guy, and it seems like you do, I would do a couple things. 1. Work on yourself and managing your anxiety 2. Figure out exactly what you want, what is practical and what you can accept - LDRs are really really hard and you have to set your expectations correctly, but ultimately make sure it's something that you really want. If you're not ok with casual suggest exclusivity. Set expectations that you both can agree on. To be practical LDRs should have an expiration date on when one of you would plan to move or at least a check in point to evaluate the future of the relationship. There always needs to be something to look forward to Ultimately a local relationship will always be more fulfilling but you have to decide for yourself if you're ready to let go of this and move forward with something/someone else and you're the only person who can decide that. Be confident in your decision once you've made it that will help with the anxiety/insecurity. At least for me my anxiety and insecurity came from feeling like someone else always had complete control over my emotions. When I started taking responsibility and making choices for myself I started feeling better about myself and that helped all aspects of my life. It's something I'm definitely still working on and I fail all the time. It's not an easy process at all, but it's definitely been worth it. 2
Miss Spider Posted December 23, 2020 Posted December 23, 2020 (edited) I would just leave it and look for another .. not enough there for such distance . Too far & you want way more than he does Edited December 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
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