Deciding if I have sex with him

[Lovesoul]

54 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Buy a dildo and stop online dating. Save that monthly fee money for a vacation instead. Or a hobby. 

I have a dildo and hobbies. But a dildo doesn’t substitute the real thing of being touched and having physical intimacy with a real human being. At least for me it doesn’t.

[Lovesoul]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Your thread is so confusing. You aren’t into casual sex, but you gave this guy a blow job on your first date. Did you have penetration sex too? 

Since you’re 35 years old, you aren’t some naive school girl. Why don’t you want a FWB with this guy when clearly you participated in his sexting with him for as long as you did. That implies to him that you were up for casual sex all along. Had you not participated in his sexting, or, give him a blow job b/c you were horny after two years of not having sex (ever hear of masturbation - dildos are a woman’s best friend), then you wouldn’t have participated in this farce from the start with this online dating guy. 

When you online date, you have to set limits for yourself to weed out the wrong guys. Are you not even doing that part? If you are looking for something serious, then how exactly is a horny guy who sexts women he doesn’t even know, come across to you like a normal, long-term relationship guy? This is why so many people fail with online dating. Texting - esp. sexting - is not true dating. Dating actually happens offline. Texting is just exchanging words on a screen with a complete stranger. It’s not real intimacy. Texting is just a one dimensional representation of a person. 

No I am not naive. I wanted the sex yes. No we didn’t have penetrative sex.

The difference between me and this guy is that I wanted to explore if we have chemistry at other levels too because the physical chemistry was so much. He didn’t want this. Just wanted sex, although he said to me he wanted a relationship too.

I guess I believed that he wanted to know each other more beyond sex because he said he wanted that also. Then his behaviour didn’t reflect that and I came here to ask you guys.

If this was a farce, it was only from his side because I was being honest with him in what I wanted: sex with him and know each other at other levels too. 

Sorry to me dildos and masturbation don’t substitute sex with another person. I believe self love is important and I love to do it, but being intimate with another person cannot compare.

So I threw all chances of something more with this guy because I did him a BJ on the first date? He did things to me too and I didn’t put him in the casual box because of that.

I feel he always just wanted casual sex from the start and him saying he also want more than just sex was BS. With BJ or no BJ the outcome with him was going to be the same.

But yes I will cut all conversations from now on that are sexual with a guy I barely know because I understand that means is all he wants.

I am not naive but I have been in a 10 year relationship that ended 2 years ago and have only started dating recently. Live and learn I guess. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Lovesoul

[Bye]

On 12/21/2020 at 7:07 PM, Lovesoul said:

I have been on my own for nearly 2 years now after ending a relationship of 3 years where I was engaged.

I took some time off for myself after that and then when I felt ready to date again at the beginning of this year, the lockdown happened.

So i started dating again last August. 

I went on a blind date set up by friends and also on a few dates with guys from a dating app that led to nothing.

Then I met this guy (also on online dating). We met in person and the chemistry was off the charts the day we met and we ended hooking up (didn’t go all the way), and it was amazing! 

I was in cloud 9 until a friend told me guys use dating apps just for sex. And I want more than just that.

When I talked to him before we met he said he is looking for the right person and to have a relationship, but now I am left wondering if he just wants sex.

We’ve had some steamy sexting after we met and is clear we both want to sleep together. The energy between us is too much to ignore.

I do want to sleep with him, I haven’t had sex in ages and he is the first man who makes me feel sexual again!

But I am scared that he will disappear after that. My friends told me so much bad stuff about ghosting after sex and etc, that now I am confused.

I want to have a nice sexual experience but I want the afterwards to be as nice as the during, know what I mean?

I want for us to get to know each other in other ways too.

What is your insight about this? Thank you!

 

Get to know each other in other ways FIRST before you get the nice sexual experience that you want from him.

If you wait to have sex with him and get to know him first, you'll find out pretty soon into the situationship whether he's in it for the long haul or whether he's just with you to hit it & quit it.  

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

I have a dildo and hobbies. But a dildo doesn’t substitute the real thing of being touched and having physical intimacy with a real human being. At least for me it doesn’t.

Yeah but at least you don't have to cook breakfast for it or hear it talk.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

Just wanted sex, although he said to me he wanted a relationship too.

He does but a FWB relationship.

[Lovesoul]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

He does but a FWB relationship.

He said he wanted a relationship and to be exclusive. 

[Lovesoul]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah but at least you don't have to cook breakfast for it or hear it talk.

I see no problem in doing that.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

He said he wanted a relationship and to be exclusive. 

So go see him tomorrow and have a "MERRY" Christmas!!

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

He said he wanted a relationship and to be exclusive. 

Obviously that isn't what he meant, is it?  That is why you won't see him again.

[Lovesoul]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Obviously that isn't what he meant, is it?  That is why you won't see him again.

I was telling what he said to me (his words), but his intentions were obviously not that.

[Lovesoul]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

So go see him tomorrow and have a "MERRY" Christmas!!

I prefer to block and delete him and wish a Merry Christmas to myself. And you guys in here.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

He said he wanted a relationship and to be exclusive. 

With you?  I doubt it, there is no way for him, or you, or anyone, to know that after one meet, bj or no bj.  He meant in the generic, so no he was not lying.  

Lovesoul, I get you're disappointed, but it was one meet and he changed his mind.  If he appeared to like you initially, and he may have, he simply changed his mind as you continued to do your thing together -- sexting, plan when to meet and f*ck, whatever.

People are allowed to do that, change their minds, and it happens all the time. 

If you're going to survive OLD without getting bitter and jaded, learn to let this stuff roll of, seriously.

I know it's tempting, but try to not analyze it so much.  You did nothing "wrong" per se and if a BJ in the car was enough to turn him off, assuming he was interested in the first place, then your attitude should be good riddance.   My guess is it was a combination of things.

Best to not blame yourself, you were in the moment and it happened.  So was he!  A truly interested man who doesn't hold women to standards they themselves don't follow, would not be turned off by this.  It was something else, and it could be anything.   

But really, that is all this was.  A man who was initially interested in you who changed his mind.

Edited December 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lovesoul]

26 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

With you?  I doubt it, there is no way for him, or you, or anyone, to know that after one meet, bj or no bj.  He meant in the generic, so no he was not lying.  

Lovesoul, I get you're disappointed, but it was one meet and he changed his mind.  If he appeared to like you initially, and he may have, he simply changed his mind as you continued to do your thing together -- sexting, plan when to meet and f*ck, whatever.

People are allowed to do that, change their minds, and it happens all the time. 

If you're going to survive OLD without getting bitter and jaded, learn to let this stuff roll of, seriously.

I know it's tempting, but try to not analyze it so much.  You did nothing "wrong" per se and if a BJ in the car was enough to turn him off, assuming he was interested in the first place, then your attitude should be good riddance. 

Best to not blame yourself, you were in the moment and it happened.  So was he!  A truly interested man who doesn't hold women to standards they themselves don't follow, would not be turned off by this.  It was something else, and it could be anything.   

But really, that is all this was.  A man who was initially interested in you who changed his mind.

We had a conversation on text and he asked me what do I want from this and I said to him I want to get to know each other more beyond sex and see if we are compatible at other levels too, and develop a friendship as well.

I then asked him the same question what does he want from this between us and he said: friendship, be exclusive and get to know each other more beyond sex.

So yes he said that about me, not generic.

And this conversation was after the BJ.

If he had said he was only looking for casual sex, I wouldn’t be here writing this thread. It would be only a matter of ‘take it or leave it’. 

This thread was because after this conversation I was expecting to go on normal dates with him, talk about other stuff, etc, and he continued to act flaky and only about sex.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Lovesoul

[poppyfields]

55 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

We had a conversation on text and he asked me what do I want from this and I said to him I want to get to know each other more beyond sex and see if we are compatible at other levels too, and develop a friendship as well.

I then asked him the same question what does he want from this between us and he said: friendship, be exclusive and get to know each other more beyond sex.

So yes he said that about me, not generic.

And this conversation was after the BJ.

Bolded, well then he was lying, and your bad for believing him.  He was telling you what has worked for him in the past as far as getting a woman into bed as quickly as possible.

There is NO way on god's green earth anyone, man or woman, could possibly know they want an exclusive relationship with someone they met ONCE in a coffee shop to their car.  And if any man had said that to me on our first MEET, there would be no second meet.

I'd either think he was psycho or just lying.

NEXT.

 

 

[Lovesoul]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, well then he was lying, and your bad for believing him.  He was telling you what has worked for him in the past as far as getting a woman into bed as quickly as possible.

There is NO way on god's green earth anyone, man or woman, could possibly know they want an exclusive relationship with someone they met ONCE in a coffee shop to their car.  And if any man had said that to me on our first MEET, there would be no second meet.

I'd either think he was psycho or just lying.

NEXT.

 

 

That’s funny, before my previous relationship I went out with this guy, a normal dinner date, and after the date he told me he loves me and I am his soulmate I ran as fast as I could lol

So yes agree, this guy now said that because he thought it was what I wanted or needed to hear, but the thing is, I didn’t entirely believe it, I took it with a grain of salt and I was then expecting and watching if his actions would match his words, which they don’t.

Had he been sincere and tell me he only wants casual sex maybe we could have done it and no more expectations. 

I like honesty, whatever the situation is.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Lovesoul

[Alpacalia]

It sounds like you're just starting to get your feet wet again after coming out of a long term relationship and learning to navigate the many different phases of dating.  I think it's a good sign that you thought about whether or not it was wise to sleep with this man, minus the oral sex, before having actual intercourse because it allowed you to reflect on the type of treatment you believe you deserve (and do deserve).  Onwards and upwards!

[Bye]

20 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

So yes agree, this guy now said that because he thought it was what I wanted or needed to hear, but the thing is, I didn’t entirely believe it, I took it with a grain of salt and I was then expecting and watching if his actions would match his words, which they don’t.

Had he been sincere and tell me he only wants casual sex maybe we could have done it and no more expectations. 

I like honesty, whatever the situation is.

Based on the information you have provided in the above 3 sentences, I'd say that you may have dodged a bullet with this one. I no longer believe that this guy just simply 'changed his mind' after your initial meeting (and after the impromptu sexual activity that occurred at that time).

It is my opinion that it was his intention all along to hit it once (or a few times) and then quit it. The fellatio you performed on him so quickly upon meeting him cemented his belief that he could use you for sexual relief any time he wanted to, as long as he whispered the sweet nothings in your ear that he thought you needed to hear. He thinks that he can use you in this manner without having to wine & dine you or court you in any way. 

Consider this experience as a lesson learned. (I'm sure you already have!) 

There's nothing wrong (in and of itself) with engaging in sexual acts with a person you literally just met - it's something we humans can choose to do or not do, thanks to Free Will. To each his/her own. However, there are health and behavioral consequences (in addition to moral implications) that can ensue from having sex too soon with someone you just met; those things should be considered carefully.

It is my personal opinion (and millions of other's opinions as well) that two people should get to know each other emotionally and spend quality IRL time together BEFORE bringing sex (or ANY type of sexual activity) into the equation.

Women AND men who postpone first/second/third date sex so they can get to know the other person better, generally have higher quality relationship/dating experiences than those who do not. 

[Lovesoul]

6 hours ago, Ascending Empress said:

Based on the information you have provided in the above 3 sentences, I'd say that you may have dodged a bullet with this one. I no longer believe that this guy just simply 'changed his mind' after your initial meeting (and after the impromptu sexual activity that occurred at that time).

It is my opinion that it was his intention all along to hit it once (or a few times) and then quit it. The fellatio you performed on him so quickly upon meeting him cemented his belief that he could use you for sexual relief any time he wanted to, as long as he whispered the sweet nothings in your ear that he thought you needed to hear. He thinks that he can use you in this manner without having to wine & dine you or court you in any way. 

Consider this experience as a lesson learned. (I'm sure you already have!) 

There's nothing wrong (in and of itself) with engaging in sexual acts with a person you literally just met - it's something we humans can choose to do or not do, thanks to Free Will. To each his/her own. However, there are health and behavioral consequences (in addition to moral implications) that can ensue from having sex too soon with someone you just met; those things should be considered carefully.

It is my personal opinion (and millions of other's opinions as well) that two people should get to know each other emotionally and spend quality IRL time together BEFORE bringing sex (or ANY type of sexual activity) into the equation.

Women AND men who postpone first/second/third date sex so they can get to know the other person better, generally have higher quality relationship/dating experiences than those who do not. 

I don’t understand why people on this thread are so hang on to the fact I did a BJ to the guy.

It wasn’t a single act out of nowhere. We got steamy inside the car, he did oral to me too and it happened. 

Many people have sex on a first date, how is this so different from that?

I didn’t want to wait to get to know this guy, I haven’t has sex in a long time, we had amazing chemistry and I wanted sex with him. 

What I am realizing is that I am now ready for a relationship too. And in that sense makes sense to get to know someone first.

And yes he always wanted just sex. He was already sexting before we met.

[Lovesoul]

8 hours ago, Alpaca said:

It sounds like you're just starting to get your feet wet again after coming out of a long term relationship and learning to navigate the many different phases of dating.  I think it's a good sign that you thought about whether or not it was wise to sleep with this man, minus the oral sex, before having actual intercourse because it allowed you to reflect on the type of treatment you believe you deserve (and do deserve).  Onwards and upwards!

Yes absolutely. To me having actual intercourse (a man penetrating me) is wayyyyy more intimate than doing a BJ or receiving oral. To others it might not be, but to me it is.

That is why I didn’t want to have it in the car that day. And now do not want to have it at all with him or any guy who talks about sex even before meeting.

[Lovesoul]

I did it because we had a steamy session inside the car, he did oral to me too and things got hot between us. I did it because I love to do it and haven’t done it to a guy in a very long time. That was my only ‘expectation’ out of it, nothing else. Enjoying that moment. 

But yes I agree to not give attention to guys who do sexting even before a first date. 

At the time I did I only wanted sex but the situation with him later made me realise I am ready for a relationship again. So, silver linings.

Edited December 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove reference to redacted quoted post.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

I prefer to block and delete him and wish a Merry Christmas to myself. And you guys in here.

. Excellent. Good you blocked him.

[miss2017]

17 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

He was ‘easy’ too.

He performed oral sex too to a stranger in the car.

He can be judged too as well and put in the casual box. 

And why would a woman care about the judgment and opinion of a man who puts her in the casual escort box? If he thinks that way, it’s clearly a red flag to move on from him.

I just didn’t understand the part of you saying ‘free BJ’, should the woman receive money for it then??

And should she pay money to him because he performed oral on her too??

If he judges a woman like that because she did him a BJ when he did the same to her and doesn’t want a relationship with her, he is basically telling himself he is no good either. lol

Anyway, this whole thread became about me doing him a BJ and is ridiculous, when HE PERFORMED ORAL SEX TOO!

His intentions right from the start were just sex, I can see that clearly now, nothing to do with the BJ or anything else.

And I think you should review your concepts of what means to be ‘easy’, because the value of a human being is not on a single sex act.

From my experience with OLD, there are two dangerous types of men in there:

The ones that love bomb you right from the start and the ones who sex bomb you right from the start.

The first ones who love bomb they give you lots of attention, compliments, they future fake, make promises, etc, in order to get something from you. This is usually a narcissistic strategy. They might want only sex, they might want a relationship, they might want money, or just attention and feed on your energy (or all of that). 

The ones who sex bomb you basically just want sex. They will sex talk really early or make sexual innuendos before you meet to test you and see if you are up to it. These can be narcissistic types too.

Both types are toxic and are NOT looking for a mutual healthy and loving relationship. They are only looking at what they can get from you.

In your case, you got the second type.

He started with sex talk early before you met, and continued to talk about sex only afterwards. The "wanting a relationship" was BS to keep you going because you haven't had intercourse yet.

He doesn't give a shyt about you and what you want. It's all about him.

So regardless of what happened in that date in the car, he is the way he is and not gonna change. He might even be married or attached.

So if you realized you are ready for a relationship (in general, not with him), take this as an experience in OLD to know how many guys in there are and delete immediately when they start with the sex talk early.

Some people here are blaming the BJ you did, but believe me that was not the problem. He wasn't interested in anything else with you ever, right from the start. Never was. Take care.

Edited December 25, 2020 by miss2017

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

. I think you should review your concepts of what means to be ‘easy’, 

Agree. You can flag posts that are offensive and engage in group berating, such as slut shaming attempts and jabs at your integrity.

[Elissa]

Hi all

This is a gentle but firm reminder to please keep your advice thoughtful, judgement-free, on topic, free from personal attacks or conjecture and tailored to this specific situation, namely:

On 12/22/2020 at 8:58 AM, Lovesoul said:

So I guess my question here is more do I have sex with him or I don’t see him anymore. That’s what I have to decide.

There already is a thread discussing women waiting for sex to avoid being used for those interested.

Many thanks for your cooperation.

 

Edited December 25, 2020 by Elissa