Deciding if I have sex with him

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

Well I decided not to meet him again.

 he asked ‘in my house or yours’. I said I’ll go to yours.

Good call. He's treating this like an escort service.

Tell him to shove it then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[Lovesoul]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good call. He's treating this like an escort service.

Tell him to shove it then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That is true, he is treating it like that. And it's like he has this feeling of entitlement, like he is entitled to be invited to my house just because he invited me to his.

First of all, I have no obligation to invite him to mine just because he invited me to his, and second yes he did invite me but I didn't go yet!

Especially because at our first date at the coffee shop he mentioned that next time we meet he wants to take me to a proper dinner at a restaurant he knows and likes.

So where's the dinner then??? 

I know that he thinks sex is guaranteed already, so effort to have dinner is out the window, but in reality for me it is not, especially when I said at the coffee shop I would love to do that. Does he think I have bad memory?

Not inviting me for that date but wanting to come to my house to have sex also shows what he is about. Any other guy who would want to know me would still plan the dinner date.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Lovesoul

[Wiseman2]

Ok, live and learn. Now you can recognize a player and thier meat factory treatment and shut it down asap.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Lovesoul said:

That is true, he is treating it like that. And it's like he has this feeling of entitlement, like he is entitled to be invited to my house just because he invited me to his.

First of all, I have no obligation to invite him to mine just because he invited me to his, and second yes he did invite me but I didn't go yet!

Especially because at our first date at the coffee shop he mentioned that next time we meet he wants to take me to a proper dinner at a restaurant he knows and likes.

So where's the dinner then??? 

I know that he thinks sex is guaranteed already, so effort to have dinner is out the window, but in reality for me it is not, especially when I said at the coffee shop I would love to do that. Does he think I have bad memory?

Not inviting me for that date but wanting to come to my house to have sex also shows what he is about. Any other guy who would want to know me would still plan the dinner date.

It's true that no one is entitled to be invited to anyone's house. But I gotta ask, when you were planning to have sex with him, where exactly were you expecting it to happen? At his place? Or would you genuinely have been okay with meeting in his car? Alternatively, would you have been open to splitting the costs for a motel room or something like that if neither of you was willing to invite the other home?

Maybe this guy is indeed a player and maybe he has an oversized sense of entitlement. I don't know. But isn't it also possible that he felt stupid for inviting you to his place when you clearly weren't on the same page as him? Think about it. It doesn't have to be about sex. Imagine two kids who play together. Kid 1 invites Kid 2 to her birthday party. Kid 2 attends it. Kid 2's birthday comes around and Kid 2 invites other kids to her party, just not Kid 1. Now of course Kid 1 is not entitled to be invited to Kid 2's party. Maybe Kid 1 even tells herself that. But she feels hurt. Her ego is bruised. Understandably, she's going to pull back from this friendship. It's a perfectly human reaction. Maybe something similar happened in your interaction with this guy?

One way to avoid this kind of situation is to avoid accepting anything from a guy that you're not willing or ready to offer yourself. That way, you avoid being rushed into doing something you don't want to do and you also avoid the possibility of hurting the guy's feelings.

Now that he's cancelled on you, I would suggest you don't tell the guy that you were planning to invite him to your place after all. That would be petty.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

12 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

She passed away... Her Doctor misdiagnosed an illness.

That sucks! I'm sorry to hear that. 

[Lovesoul]

48 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

It's true that no one is entitled to be invited to anyone's house. But I gotta ask, when you were planning to have sex with him, where exactly were you expecting it to happen? At his place? Or would you genuinely have been okay with meeting in his car? Alternatively, would you have been open to splitting the costs for a motel room or something like that if neither of you was willing to invite the other home?

Maybe this guy is indeed a player and maybe he has an oversized sense of entitlement. I don't know. But isn't it also possible that he felt stupid for inviting you to his place when you clearly weren't on the same page as him? Think about it. It doesn't have to be about sex. Imagine two kids who play together. Kid 1 invites Kid 2 to her birthday party. Kid 2 attends it. Kid 2's birthday comes around and Kid 2 invites other kids to her party, just not Kid 1. Now of course Kid 1 is not entitled to be invited to Kid 2's party. Maybe Kid 1 even tells herself that. But she feels hurt. Her ego is bruised. Understandably, she's going to pull back from this friendship. It's a perfectly human reaction. Maybe something similar happened in your interaction with this guy?

One way to avoid this kind of situation is to avoid accepting anything from a guy that you're not willing or ready to offer yourself. That way, you avoid being rushed into doing something you don't want to do and you also avoid the possibility of hurting the guy's feelings.

Now that he's cancelled on you, I would suggest you don't tell the guy that you were planning to invite him to your place after all. That would be petty.  

Yes I totally understand that and it's something to consider. How would I feel if it was the other way around? So I get it that he might have felt we are not on the same page, as I didn't even mentioned my house.

But, the truth is, I never went to his place either. Yes he invited me, but I didn't go. And I have no obligation to invite him. He also mentioned inviting me for a proper dinner on our next date and he didn't invite me at all. Should I also feel entitled and hurt that he didn't do it, especially after he mentioning it and I said yes I would love to go?

What I feel with this guy is that he is always changing plans and doing what is convenient to him. First he invited me to his place, then is not possible and I cannot go. Then he said for us to go to a proper dinner date next time in a restaurant he likes, and then didn't plan or mentioning anything. And after all this, I have to open the door of my house to him just because he wants to??

I see no problem in telling him now that I was going to invite him to mine, because it is true. But at this point I feel is not worth it.

And yes, if it's just for casual sex, then a hotel would be the best option.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Lovesoul

[Laura1998]

8 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

Well it wasn’t planned lol it just happened.

lol you must really like him compared to the other guys you have dated! Iv been in your situation before twice. I know it just happens in the moment. 

You have to decide its just sex or not. Why did you not go all the way with him on the first date if you just want sex? And have you done this before on a first date?

Dont think about it too much is my advice

 

[Ruby Slippers]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good call. He's treating this like an escort service.

Tell him to shove it then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Yes. I seriously don't understand why you continued to give this guy any consideration past the point when you started feeling used. Since your first "hookup," he's been treating you basically like a hooker - yet you continue to communicate with him and consider him.

I feel very concerned about your state of mind. You must still be in a low place after your breakup. If your self-respect and confidence were anywhere near a healthy level, you would have deleted and blocked this guy long ago.

If you want to just have sex with someone to help move on from your last relationship, that's your call - but at least do it with a guy who treats you with decency and respect, who makes the minimal effort to give you "the boyfriend experience," not someone who treats you like a hooker.

[Lovesoul]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes. I seriously don't understand why you continued to give this guy any consideration past the point when you started feeling used. Since your first "hookup," he's been treating you basically like a hooker - yet you continue to communicate with him and consider him.

I feel very concerned about your state of mind. You must still be in a low place after your breakup. If your self-respect and confidence were anywhere near a healthy level, you would have deleted and blocked this guy long ago.

If you want to just have sex with someone to help move on from your last relationship, that's your call - but at least do it with a guy who treats you with decency and respect, who makes the minimal effort to give you "the boyfriend experience," not someone who treats you like a hooker.

Thank you but I am not in a low state of mind, I just am not used to dating anymore and in the beginning was having a good expectation of this, but as it started to develop I started to realise the reality of it. Call it naivety after a long time of no dating maybe.

You are right and I decided to block and delete him. Yes I do want to have sex but I want also a good experience with respect and this is all way too far out from that.

[Lovesoul]

1 hour ago, Laura1998 said:

lol you must really like him compared to the other guys you have dated! Iv been in your situation before twice. I know it just happens in the moment. 

You have to decide its just sex or not. Why did you not go all the way with him on the first date if you just want sex? And have you done this before on a first date?

Dont think about it too much is my advice

 

I didn't go all the way on our first date for these reasons:

- We were in a car and someone could pass

- We didn't have any condoms (no condoms, no sex for me)

- I wanted to go back home and check with myself first if I really wanted to go all the way with him

No I've never done this before on a first date.

[Johnjohnson2017]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes. I seriously don't understand why you continued to give this guy any consideration past the point when you started feeling used. Since your first "hookup," he's been treating you basically like a hooker - yet you continue to communicate with him and consider him.

I feel very concerned about your state of mind. You must still be in a low place after your breakup. If your self-respect and confidence were anywhere near a healthy level, you would have deleted and blocked this guy long ago.

If you want to just have sex with someone to help move on from your last relationship, that's your call - but at least do it with a guy who treats you with decency and respect, who makes the minimal effort to give you "the boyfriend experience," not someone who treats you like a hooker.

Actually he would be treating her as less than a hooker. At least a hooker gets paid good money for it. OP would just be giving it up for free AND she would feel used afterwards.

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

Then he asked if I want to meet at the same coffee shop we met last time and then maybe go to the car together like we did last time, and I said yes. In the meantime I decided I wanted to invite him to mine and was going to tell him that.

Lovesoul, I'm sorry this guy disappointed.  My take is he liked you initially, invited you to dinner, but after the BJ in the car on your first date (which I am not judging you for although HE might be), all the subsequent sexting and the drama surrounding where to meet again to f*ck, which let's face it, is exactly what the plan was, he lost interest and possibly respect.   It happens.   

It's no one's "fault" per se, if anything you both were, you were both participants in this disappointing outcome.

I am a bit surprised you had agreed to meet him in his car again^^.  Not quite sure what your thought process was by agreeing to that.

But in any event,  I am glad you have decided to not text him again telling him you were going to invite him to yours.  At this point, why give him the satisfaction that you were interested, in sex or anything else?

Simply block and delete him.

Again, I'm sorry.  Lesson learned that it's probably best to not give BJs in a man's car on the first date, OR be sexting with him before he's taken you out on a proper date and mutual respect and trust has been developed.  

Unless you're seeking strictly a FB (f*ck buddy) but for some reason I don't think that is what you were seeking with this guy.  Even if you were uncertain what you wanted, it's best to avoid doing those things because it sends a certain message to a man (right or wrong), a message you do not want to send if you ultimately decide you are seeking more with him than a FB situation.

Should it be that way?  A double standard of sorts?  Probably not, but it is what it is.  

Anyway, again I'm sorry and all the best moving forward.

 

Edited December 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Yes, like I said, I think you had an inkling this guy just wanted casual sex way before he pretty much had to spell it out. But your perception was uncertain and you liked him( which might have further clouded your perception).

 

You saw signs early on that he was trying to turn it more sexual more quickly without development in other areas. I am not saying that sex is not a component in a serious romantic relationship, but it is just one pillar. People who are are seeking  a long-term romantic relationship act distinctly different than people who just want to have sex.
 

I believe there are men who mimic the way a man who is trying to build a serious relationship would, just to get sex from a woman. In most of these cases, you might not even be able to put your finger on it, but something would just feel “not right “. This is because there’s a lot of fallibility with lying/putting on an act, especially long-term. This is also another reason why it is often suggested to wait. 
 

tldr: don’t ignore your gut feeling. It’s there to help you 

Edited December 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lovesoul]

56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lovesoul, I'm sorry this guy disappointed.  My take is he liked you initially, invited you to dinner, but after the BJ in the car on your first date (which I am not judging you for although HE might be), all the subsequent sexting and the drama surrounding where to meet again to f*ck, which let's face it, is exactly what the plan was, he lost interest and possibly respect.   It happens.   

It's no one's "fault" per se, if anything you both were, you were both participants in this disappointing outcome.

I am a bit surprised you had agreed to meet him in his car again^^.  Not quite sure what your thought process was by agreeing to that.

But in any event,  I am glad you have decided to not text him again telling him you were going to invite him to yours.  At this point, why give him the satisfaction that you were interested, in sex or anything else?

Simply block and delete him.

Again, I'm sorry.  Lesson learned that it's probably best to not give BJs in a man's car on the first date, OR be sexting with him before he's taken you out on a proper date and mutual respect and trust has been developed.  

Unless you're seeking strictly a FB (f*ck buddy) but for some reason I don't think that is what you were seeking with this guy.  Even if you were uncertain what you wanted, it's best to avoid doing those things because it sends a certain message to a man (right or wrong), a message you do not want to send if you ultimately decide you are seeking more with him than a FB situation.

Should it be that way?  A double standard of sorts?  Probably not, but it is what it is.  

Anyway, again I'm sorry and all the best moving forward.

 

I get that, but what I am seeing about him is that even if the BJ was not done on the first date, he would still just want sex and eventually things  will take the same course.

I don’t care about his respect or double standards, because what really matters to me is what I think about myself, not him or anyone else. 

And to be honest what put me off about him was not the wanting sex but the way he is with playing games and other stuff.

It was not the sex too early that ruined things, but the way he is and we not being compatible.

Fortunately I saw that really early and not after 50 dates.

[Lovesoul]

37 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes, like I said, I think you had an inkling this guy just wanted casual sex way before he pretty much had to spell it out. But your perception was uncertain and you liked him( which might have further clouded your perception).

 

You saw signs early on that he was trying to turn it more sexual more quickly without development in other areas. I am not saying that sex is not a component in a serious romantic relationship, but it is just one pillar. People who are are seeking  a long-term romantic relationship act distinctly different than people who just want to have sex.
 

I believe there are men who mimic the way a man who is trying to build a serious relationship would, just to get sex from a woman. In most of these cases, you might not even be able to put your finger on it, but something would just feel “not right “. This is because there’s a lot of fallibility with lying/putting on an act, especially long-term. This is also another reason why it is often suggested to wait. 
 

tldr: don’t ignore your gut feeling. It’s there to help you 

Yes I did see that early, but I thought I haven’t had sex in a long time maybe I can have sex with him and have a nice experience that doesn’t have to turn into something else.

Then his behaviour afterwards started to put me off, because even if is just casual sex does not mean people treat each other badly, like he tried to did to me.

The only positive thing about this was him not lying and pretending he wanted a relationship and me learning how this online dating works.

Now I don’t want casual sex anymore and I am fully prepared to be in a relationship again.

That’s another positive and thanks to him for making me aware I am ready to meet someone again and be in a nice loving relationship and I deserve that.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Lovesoul

[Miss Spider]

6 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

I get that, but what I am seeing about him is that even if the BJ was not done on the first date, he would still just want sex and eventually things  will take the same course.

I don’t care about his respect or double standards, because what really matters to me is what I think about myself, not him or anyone else. 

And to be honest what put me off about him was not the wanting sex but the way he is with playing games and other stuff.

It was not the sex too early that ruined things, but the way he is and we not being compatible.

Fortunately I saw that really early and not after 50 dates.

I’m sorry, I didn’t read every post in the thread. But I don’t think this question was answered. Why did you give him a BJ in the car on the first date? This was for your own pleasure?
Whether right or wrong, people often see a person giving another person oral sex for the other person’s pleasure. It is actually more of a sign of “I really like you” to the other person than just sex on a first date. Sex could be just all about you.  Oral seems more giving. Therefore, I think it is even more common for men to lose “respect“ for someone who does oral sex right away than even sex. Even though sex may you to use seem like a more intimate act, to a lot of people sticking someone’s genitals in their mouth is just as intimate if not more. 

Edited December 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

Yes I did see that early, but I thought I haven’t had sex in a long time maybe I can have sex with him and have a nice experience that doesn’t have to turn into something else.

Then his behaviour afterwards started to put me off, because even if is just casual sex does not mean people treat each other badly, like he tried to did to me.

The only positive thing about this was him not lying and pretending he wanted a relationship and me learning how this online dating works.

Now I don’t want casual sex anymore and I am fully prepared to be in a relationship again.

That’s another positive and thanks to him for showing me I am open to love again.

Oh I see.  You were looking for casual sex(because in your main thread you said that you were not), but you are saying that it is this guy‘s behavior that made you realize that that you’re not. I am glad to hear that. Upwards and onwards

Edited December 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

because even if is just casual sex does not mean people treat each other badly,

OP how did he treat you badly again?  I'm loss.

[Miss Spider]

I don’t think he treated her badly either. I don’t know why I would say that. Sorry. I must have been tripping

Edited December 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Stillafool, did I say that?I don’t think he treated her badly at all. I don’t know why I would say that. Sorry

No you didn't write that.  I copied OP's quote from your post and I'm trying to figure out why she said that.

Edited December 23, 2020 by stillafool

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

I don’t care about his respect or double standards, because what really matters to me is what I think about myself, not him or anyone else. 

I understand about not caring about double standards.  However, while I do care what I think of myself, I also care that a man I'm interested in and possibly dating has respect for me as well, that is super important to me! 

As he would also care about my having respect for him, which equals us having mutual respect for each other.

I'm a bit surprised that respect doesn't matter to you, but that is certainly your right.  

I also think it's important to be cognizant of how others perceive our actions. 

If we just go along willy nilly doing whatever the hell we want (like giving BJs to a virtual stranger in his car, or sexting before a proper date), not caring what anyone else thinks, we risk being exploited and taken advantage of and possibly used.  

Anyway, not for me to judge, it's your life. 

Good luck. 

 

Edited December 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[princessaurora]

13 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

Yes I did see that early, but I thought I haven’t had sex in a long time maybe I can have sex with him and have a nice experience that doesn’t have to turn into something else.

Don't lose hope, OP. There are guys who have a casual sexual relationships and will  still treat you with the utmost respect. You will often find this with men who had no expectations of sex with you prior to the date or a fwb.  In those circumstances, it tends to be a more intimate and pleasurable experience. But in the world of OLD there are alot more guys who just want to get their friend down below serviced  and then move on to the next girl. I have a friend whose been online dating for 20 years and there are so many guys asking for sex before they even meet up. She won't see them, but still ends up  having sex right away with all the others she agrees to go out with, and then they ghost her every time.  

Having oral on a first date is pretty intimate and does set the tone for future dates.  He may have assumed that's a regular thing for you and of course sex is the next natural thing that would happen so you got put in that box pretty quickly. But don't believe for a second that there aren't men who would have sex with you right away and treat you just as gentlemanly as a girl they'd be seeing for months because I can promise you they are out there.  You just  have to sift though alot of womanizing players before you find them. 

[Miss Spider]

I don’t see what he did is wrong at all or disrespectful. If you didn’t like the tone he was setting with sex, you shouldn’t have engaged in it. I see two consenting adults here setting the tone.  He’s not disrespectful or wrong for not wanting to invest anything, even dinner or a movie, into this. Especially if he just wants sex. If I were ever to do casual sex, I wouldn’t want to do all that either. To think someone owes that for sex only is a little twisted. I’m sorry if I missed something untoward that he did. 

Edited December 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OP how did he treat you badly again?  I'm loss.

Me too @stillafool.  The way I see it, he got to know her a bit better, and changed his mind. Assuming he was ever interested in the first place. 

It happens.  No one's fault.  They both set the tone. 

To Lovesoul, what confuses me is you claim you don't care that he doesn't respect you, but you're put off that he no longer wishes to pursue anything with you, sexually or otherwise. 

Those two things are diametrically opposed to each other. 

Edited December 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lovesoul]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Me too @stillafool.  The way I see it, he got to know her a bit better, and changed his mind. Assuming he was ever interested in the first place. 

It happens.  No one's fault.  They both set the tone. 

To Lovesoul, what confuses me is you claim you don't care that he doesn't respect you, but you're put off that he no longer wishes to pursue anything with you, sexually or otherwise. 

Those two things are diametrically opposed to each other. 

Of course I care the people I accept in my life respect me, what I mean is if someone does not respect me for any reason, I do not care about that person anymore, he is out.