Deciding if I have sex with him

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

So I guess my question here is more do I have sex with him or I don’t see him anymore.

Why are those your only choices? 

First you have to figure out what you want.  If you want to have sex have sex.  Just don't think sex is a way or worse the only way to keep a man.   Do understand that he may ghost after sex but he may not.  Even if he ghosted would you still be OK having sex?  Know the answer to that before you make the decision.  If he disappeared after sex & that would crush you, don't do it.

IMO because you hooked up on the 1st date & have been sexting, you already set the stage for casual.  He thinks you are now a tease for delaying things or not worth the effort for the next date, hence he hasn't set one up.  It sounds like the classic, not interested in commitment.  So if relationship is your goal, there have already been missteps.  

[smackie9]

It's a crap shoot. But why not? even if there is no relationship pending? After 2 years of nothing? and amazing sex awaits? I'd be all over that if I were you. Roll the dice and see what happens. If nothing so what, at least you had fun. Take the pressure off yourself, and just go for it.

Edited December 22, 2020 by smackie9

[Lovesoul]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Why are those your only choices? 

First you have to figure out what you want.  If you want to have sex have sex.  Just don't think sex is a way or worse the only way to keep a man.   Do understand that he may ghost after sex but he may not.  Even if he ghosted would you still be OK having sex?  Know the answer to that before you make the decision.  If he disappeared after sex & that would crush you, don't do it.

IMO because you hooked up on the 1st date & have been sexting, you already set the stage for casual.  He thinks you are now a tease for delaying things or not worth the effort for the next date, hence he hasn't set one up.  It sounds like the classic, not interested in commitment.  So if relationship is your goal, there have already been missteps.  

Thank you but my question is not if THIS guy in specific wants a relationship with me, because at this point I have NO idea if I want a relationship with him either. 

The thing that is playing with my mind is because all men in my past have been the traditional way of dating: asking me out on a proper first date, then a kiss after a few dates, then more dates, meeting friends and family, have the exclusivity talk, and THEN have sex. So I think I have this kind of pattern. lol

Now with this guy that pattern is going out the window, because is completely different from the "traditional" way of dating. We want to have sex and that's it. And the thought of not knowing if I want a relationship with him or what will happen after, is playing with me. It feels scary but liberating at the same time, like life should be know what I mean!?

Yes relationship is my goal, but not sure if it's gonna be with him. I don't know if besides this incredible sexual chemistry there's anything left. Maybe not.

[Lovesoul]

34 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's a crap shoot. But why not? even if there is no relationship pending? After 2 years of nothing? and amazing sex awaits? I'd be all over that if I were you. Roll the dice and see what happens. If nothing so what, at least you had fun. Take the pressure off yourself, and just go for it.

Yes, maybe great sex without too much thinking is exactly what I need after a very bad break up and 2 years of nothing. 

[princessaurora]

1 hour ago, Lovesoul said:

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

It's a crap shoot. But why not? even if there is no relationship pending? After 2 years of nothing? and amazing sex awaits? I'd be all over that if I were you. Roll the dice and see what happens. If nothing so what, at least you had fun. Take the pressure off yourself, and just go for it.

Yes, maybe great sex without too much thinking is exactly what I need after a very bad break up and 2 years of nothing. 

If you can keep your emotions out of it, then indulge girl! Every man you meet is not going to be Prince Charming. When you said off the charts chemistry, I thought you were catching feelings, because that's the way it was for me. But this sounds purely sexual at this point, so go for it. Some guys are going to just be amazing sex partners and nothing more. Nothing wrong with that as long as ya'll are on the same page. And if it develops into more,that's ok too. Whatever you decide. Have fun. YOLO. 

[Lovesoul]

6 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

If you can keep your emotions out of it, then indulge girl! Every man you meet is not going to be Prince Charming. When you said off the charts chemistry, I thought you were catching feelings, because that's the way it was for me. But this sounds purely sexual at this point, so go for it. Some guys are going to just be amazing sex partners and nothing more. Nothing wrong with that as long as ya'll are on the same page. And if it develops into more,that's ok too. Whatever you decide. Have fun. YOLO. 

Yes when I meant chemistry off the charts I meant sexually, physical connection. I don't have feelings for him or emotions to be honest. It takes me time to get to know someone and usually I only attach emotionally to people who are open emotionally, who show their emotional vulnerability. That hasn't happened with him.

Yes, I think I am going for it. It will also help me close the chapter and move on from my previous relationship where I've had a bad break up, he was the last guy I had sex with and I hate that every time I think about sex, that pops up into my mind!

[d0nnivain]

It really is up to you.  

The "traditional" dating of which you speak doesn't seem to exist in the age of OLD.  When you meet organically IRL you get dates.  

Just think about yourself.  If you will be emotionally OK by having NSA sex & you want to because you have crazy chemistry with this guy or somebody else, go for it.  If you are going to feel shattered & used if he or any other guy disappears after sex, be more cautious before you fall into bed.  Assume they will bolt & make your decision knowing that.  If they stick around & you have more great sex -- yippeee!! If they disappear as long as you are not beating yourself up for your choice, at least it was fun.  

Since you are thinking about going for it, just be safe & intelligent.  Ask health questions & be prepared to reveal health info -- no prior contact with HIV positive people, AIDS folks, other communicable diseases & no IV drug users.  You may want to consider getting am STD test in advance so you have a baseline. Make sure he uses a condom.  Think about dental dams.  Bring these types of supplies with you on your date so he can't plead lack of preparedness as a reason to be unsafe.  

Have fun! 

[Lovesoul]

47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It really is up to you.  

The "traditional" dating of which you speak doesn't seem to exist in the age of OLD.  When you meet organically IRL you get dates.  

Just think about yourself.  If you will be emotionally OK by having NSA sex & you want to because you have crazy chemistry with this guy or somebody else, go for it.  If you are going to feel shattered & used if he or any other guy disappears after sex, be more cautious before you fall into bed.  Assume they will bolt & make your decision knowing that.  If they stick around & you have more great sex -- yippeee!! If they disappear as long as you are not beating yourself up for your choice, at least it was fun.  

Since you are thinking about going for it, just be safe & intelligent.  Ask health questions & be prepared to reveal health info -- no prior contact with HIV positive people, AIDS folks, other communicable diseases & no IV drug users.  You may want to consider getting am STD test in advance so you have a baseline. Make sure he uses a condom.  Think about dental dams.  Bring these types of supplies with you on your date so he can't plead lack of preparedness as a reason to be unsafe.  

Have fun! 

Thank you, that’s something to consider.

Wear a condom absolutely but I think is too much to ask for an STD test and use dental dams!? I didn’t even know what dental dams were, I googled it and is horrible! Feels like you are in a medical exam! lol

Not for me, and also we already did oral sex the other time we met. 

But yes I have to think about the emotional side of it.

One thing I don’t feel comfortable with him is the fact he doesn’t plan a date, he just wants to meet and hook up. I would like to go on a date and get to know him better. 

Also, after we do sexting it feels like he doesn’t even bother to make an effort anymore, like he already has what he wants. 

So yes with him it all feels NSA sex and he’ll probably bolt afterwards unless the sex is really good and there will be more. I need to check with myself if that is ok for me.

Edited December 22, 2020 by Lovesoul

[Ruby Slippers]

51 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The "traditional" dating of which you speak doesn't seem to exist in the age of OLD.  When you meet organically IRL you get dates.  

It does. It's the only kind of dating I do. You have to be prepared to sift through a lot of unsuitable people to find the small percentage of serious men focused on the big picture who date the traditional way.

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Lovesoul said:

One thing I don’t feel comfortable with him is the fact he doesn’t plan a date, he just wants to meet and hook up. I would like to go on a date and get to know him better. 

Also, after we do sexting it feels like he doesn’t even bother to make an effort anymore, like he already has what he wants. 

So yes with him it all feels NSA sex and he’ll probably bolt afterwards unless the sex is really good and there will be more. I need to check with myself if that is ok for me.

To thy own self be true. 

I do suspect that this guy is all about the sex & not much else.  That lack of any effort combined with too much sexting would have turned me off some time ago.  

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

he is not inviting me either on any dates (for dinner, go out, etc), all he talks about is seeing me and hook up. 

That's ok. If all you want to deal with right now is hookups/FWB, this may be a solution until you're ready to date/find a relationship.  Clearly he's not interested in dating.

[Lovesoul]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

To thy own self be true. 

I do suspect that this guy is all about the sex & not much else.  That lack of any effort combined with too much sexting would have turned me off some time ago.  

 

The reason it didn’t turn me off until now was because my thinking was if we have all this amazing sexual chemistry on a first date, I am eager to find out if we have chemistry at other levels too.

What I am realising though is that he only mentions sex and doesn’t plan/invites me on any dates, despite the fact I told him I would like to know him in any ways, develop a friendship, etc. He said he wants that too, but the lack of effort or conversations around anything else makes me feel all he wants is sex and that is starting to put me off.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

19 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

  100% Agree... Many years ago I went out with this woman and I didn't think we clicked.  I wasn't going to ask her out on a second date.  Well, she invited me in and we had sex.  It was amazing.  So I came back for seconds, thirds, etc. etc.  and a relationship developed. 

Like you said... "Time will tell".

Why aren't you still with her?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

1 hour ago, Lovesoul said:

Thank you, that’s something to consider.

Wear a condom absolutely but I think is too much to ask for an STD test and use dental dams!? I didn’t even know what dental dams were, I googled it and is horrible! Feels like you are in a medical exam! lol

Not for me, and also we already did oral sex the other time we met. 

But yes I have to think about the emotional side of it.

One thing I don’t feel comfortable with him is the fact he doesn’t plan a date, he just wants to meet and hook up. I would like to go on a date and get to know him better. 

Also, after we do sexting it feels like he doesn’t even bother to make an effort anymore, like he already has what he wants. 

So yes with him it all feels NSA sex and he’ll probably bolt afterwards unless the sex is really good and there will be more. I need to check with myself if that is ok for me.

Why WOULD he plan nice dates for you, when you've showed him you'll accept hookups?

Hope he doesn't have herpes, chlamydia, HIV, warts, etc...since you think asking for proof of a recent STD check up is too much to ask for.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lovesoul said:

What I am realising though is that he only mentions sex and doesn’t plan/invites me on any dates, despite the fact I told him I would like to know him in any ways, develop a friendship, etc. He said he wants that too, but the lack of effort or conversations around anything else makes me feel all he wants is sex and that is starting to put me off

Usually they plan dates and invites when they are trying to impress you to get sex or when they like you enough to be in a relationship.  He thinks this is a sexual thing and isn't showing much effort besides sex talk.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, Lovesoul said:

the lack of effort or conversations around anything else makes me feel all he wants is sex and that is starting to put me off.

That's clearly all he wants. You've set the bar very low by getting sexual on the first date and following it up with a bunch of sexting. You've given the impression that he can get sex from you with the laziest of effort. So I wouldn't expect the sex to be very good. He already knows he barely has to lift a finger to get what he wants, so most likely you'll be little more than a masturbatory aid for him. 

If you move forward with him, I don't think you'll end up feeling too great about it. Even if all you want is a hot night, I think you can do much better than this guy.

[Lovesoul]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That's clearly all he wants. You've set the bar very low by getting sexual on the first date and following it up with a bunch of sexting. You've given the impression that he can get sex from you with the laziest of effort. So I wouldn't expect the sex to be very good. He already knows he barely has to lift a finger to get what he wants, so most likely you'll be little more than a masturbatory aid for him. 

If you move forward with him, I don't think you'll end up feeling too great about it. Even if all you want is a hot night, I think you can do much better than this guy.

Thank you.

We were sexting yesterday and planning to meet up. Then today all he said was hello at lunch time, and nothing else, when yesterday he was so chatty when we were talking about sex. Of course I participated in the sexting yesterday, but I wanted to talk other things, and he is not available to other things.

Also, I already told him I wanted friendship and get to know each other in other ways, and I don't think he is stupid, I think he knows what I mean. But he shows no signs, actions or effort in that respect, not even through texting, so that is putting me off about him and I don't think it's even worth it to say to him again that I want to go on dates and get to know each other besides sex, I feel we cannot go back to that now.

Edited December 22, 2020 by Lovesoul

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Why aren't you still with her?

She passed away... Her Doctor misdiagnosed an illness.

[Lovesoul]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

She passed away... Her Doctor misdiagnosed an illness.

So sorry to know that

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Lovesoul said:

So sorry to know that

It was 19 years ago, but it is still very sad.

[princessaurora]

6 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

Yes, I think I am going for it. It will also help me close the chapter and move on from my previous relationship where I've had a bad break up, he was the last guy I had sex with and I hate that every time I think about sex, that pops up into my mind!

It's awful when that happens. I lost my virginity right after HS graduation to a guy friend who I also had feelings for. He basically tricked me into it and it was also nonconsensual. By the time I started college after the summer I decided  I was going to replace that memory by having the quintessential "ONS with a frat boy experience" It seemed so easy and I wanted a redo of that first unpleasant experience. So I meet a cute frat guy and  we set up a date  He gives me two choices. Dinner and line dancing or make me dinner at his apt and then go line dancing. I chose dinner at his apt knowing what that implies,but that was my goal. He made me dinner, we drank a little wine and then had sex. I figured I'd never hear from him again, but he called me for another date and we were together for 6 months. So, you never know. But I'm so glad I had that experience with him because it is a much better memory than the one before and I got a surprise boyfriend out of it. He was a complete gentleman, he used protection, and we had alot of fun.  So, even if he never called me again I still would have been ok. That's what I expected anyway. 

I think this would be good for you as well. Get a new amazing sexual experience so you won't associate sex with your ex so much. It really is one of the biggest steps to moving on, and after 2 years it's long overdue. 

 

[Laura1998]

6 hours ago, Lovesoul said:

Thank you, that’s something to consider.

Wear a condom absolutely but I think is too much to ask for an STD test and use dental dams!? I didn’t even know what dental dams were, I googled it and is horrible! Feels like you are in a medical exam! lol

Not for me, and also we already did oral sex the other time we met. 

But yes I have to think about the emotional side of it.

One thing I don’t feel comfortable with him is the fact he doesn’t plan a date, he just wants to meet and hook up. I would like to go on a date and get to know him better. 

Also, after we do sexting it feels like he doesn’t even bother to make an effort anymore, like he already has what he wants. 

So yes with him it all feels NSA sex and he’ll probably bolt afterwards unless the sex is really good and there will be more. I need to check with myself if that is ok for me.

You should do what you want/feel like.

You had oral sex on the first date/time?! thats quite quick

[Lovesoul]

6 hours ago, princessaurora said:

It's awful when that happens. I lost my virginity right after HS graduation to a guy friend who I also had feelings for. He basically tricked me into it and it was also nonconsensual. By the time I started college after the summer I decided  I was going to replace that memory by having the quintessential "ONS with a frat boy experience" It seemed so easy and I wanted a redo of that first unpleasant experience. So I meet a cute frat guy and  we set up a date  He gives me two choices. Dinner and line dancing or make me dinner at his apt and then go line dancing. I chose dinner at his apt knowing what that implies,but that was my goal. He made me dinner, we drank a little wine and then had sex. I figured I'd never hear from him again, but he called me for another date and we were together for 6 months. So, you never know. But I'm so glad I had that experience with him because it is a much better memory than the one before and I got a surprise boyfriend out of it. He was a complete gentleman, he used protection, and we had alot of fun.  So, even if he never called me again I still would have been ok. That's what I expected anyway. 

I think this would be good for you as well. Get a new amazing sexual experience so you won't associate sex with your ex so much. It really is one of the biggest steps to moving on, and after 2 years it's long overdue. 

 

Thank your for sharing! Yes I feel I need that in order to move on. Like a liberation thing. I felt that when I kissed this guy, because my ex was the last guy I kissed too, and I felt I need to do it in order to move on completely.

[Lovesoul]

6 hours ago, Laura1998 said:

You should do what you want/feel like.

You had oral sex on the first date/time?! thats quite quick

Well it wasn’t planned lol it just happened.

[Lovesoul]

Well I decided not to meet him again.

Besides what I said before that puts me off him, what he did yesterday puts me off too.

A few days ago we were talking about meeting and sleep together, and he asked ‘in my house or yours’. I said I’ll go to yours.

I don’t feel comfortable taking guys to my house like that, and I was still deciding if I want to invite him or not, although I didn’t say to him because I feel I don’t own him any explanation on that.

Then yesterday he said we cannot meet at his house for the next 2 weeks because his mom is coming over to help taking care of his son (he is divorced and his ex is travelling). 

I think he was expecting me to tell him to come to mine which I didn’t because I wasn’t still sure of it.

Then he asked if I want to meet at the same coffee shop we met last time and then maybe go to the car together like we did last time, and I said yes. In the meantime I decided I wanted to invite him to mine and was going to tell him that.

But I think he was not happy with me not inviting him to mine, because later on he invented that his son’s school colleague is sick with Covid and is better if he just stays at home for the next 2 weeks with his son (despite the fact his son is now on Christmas holidays with no contact with anyone from school).

All of this in the space of 2h, I can tell he was lying.

I went to sleep but today I am gonna tell him it’s a shame he cannot leave the house now because I was going to invite him in to mine. 

And to be honest I’m gonna leave it at that. I am really put off now by his behaviour. First of all I have no obligation to invite him to mine just because he invited me to his and he wanted to.

Second, inventing things to not see me is too much. It’s like ‘if we are going to meet and not have proper sex then I am not going’. So I’m done.

Edited December 23, 2020 by Lovesoul