Lovesoul Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) I have been on my own for nearly 2 years now after ending a relationship of 3 years where I was engaged. I took some time off for myself after that and then when I felt ready to date again at the beginning of this year, the lockdown happened. So i started dating again last August. I went on a blind date set up by friends and also on a few dates with guys from a dating app that led to nothing. Then I met this guy (also on online dating). We met in person and the chemistry was off the charts the day we met and we ended hooking up (didn’t go all the way), and it was amazing! I was in cloud 9 until a friend told me guys use dating apps just for sex. And I want more than just that. When I talked to him before we met he said he is looking for the right person and to have a relationship, but now I am left wondering if he just wants sex. We’ve had some steamy sexting after we met and is clear we both want to sleep together. The energy between us is too much to ignore. I do want to sleep with him, I haven’t had sex in ages and he is the first man who makes me feel sexual again! But I am scared that he will disappear after that. My friends told me so much bad stuff about ghosting after sex and etc, that now I am confused. I want to have a nice sexual experience but I want the afterwards to be as nice as the during, know what I mean? I want for us to get to know each other in other ways too. What is your insight about this? Thank you! Edited December 22, 2020 by Lovesoul
stillafool Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 Well unfortunately your friends are right. There are a lot of guys online that will lovebomb you and then after the sex they fade away or ghost. If you want the sex go with it but keep your expectations to a minimum regarding a relationship. Dating is about seeing if you are compatible in more ways than sex to determine if you mutually want a relationship. 3
Miss Spider Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) I feel like there is always that possibility no matter where you meet a person. There is a risk that you encounter a player or whatever. But I think a lot of times it is quite easy to tell if you really look at things — a person wants sex/casual versus a person that wants a serious relationship . I would think they act very different. The problem is that people often just see what they want to see. I think a lot of times when people ask this question it is because their intuition is screaming that the person just wants sex Edited December 22, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Lance Mannion Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I feel like there is always that possibility no matter where you meet a person. There is a risk that you encounter a player or whatever. But I think a lot of times it is quite easy to tell if you really look at things — a person wants sex/casual versus a person that wants a serious relationship . I would think they act very different. The problem is that people often just see what they want to see. I think a lot of times when people ask this question it is because their intuition is screaming that the person just wants sex They don't act any differently though, not the good ones. It's like a game of poker, if you have a facial tic when you are about to bluff, then the other players will know what you are up to and not fall for the bluff, so what you do is remove your tell, your facial tic. Same with the dating game, if a woman can tell that you're just in it for the sex, then guys have every incentive to remove those signals. 1
poppyfields Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) Let's face it, if the sex is really good, a man is gonna stick around. Whether it's "just" for sex or something more, time will tell. Gauge his actions outside the bedroom to determine which it is. To what shortskirts wrote, yes there are ways to tell, but it requires a woman paying attention to what's right in front of her, not what she's projecting or hoping is in front of her. Which is easy to do when infatuated, I've done it plenty myself. That's where the phrase "love is blind" came from. Lovesoul, bottom line it's all a risk. One you must be willing to take and be okay with the outcome no matter what that outcome is, if you're to survive this crazy dating game. I say, go for it. Lower expectations. Detach from the outcome. It if leads to more, fantastic! If not, that's okay too, it's a learning experience to take with you on your journey to finding the right man for you. Edited December 22, 2020 by poppyfields 2
Lance Mannion Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, poppyfields said: To what shortskirts wrote, yes there are ways to tell, but it requires a woman paying attention to what's right in front of her, not what she's projecting or hoping is in front of her. Which is easy to do when infatuated, I've done it plenty myself. That's where the phrase "love is blind" came from. It's an arms race, I tell you, an arms race. [redacted to remove reference to now approved video]. Tinder makes the battlefield very, very plain because it's low investment. Meeting someone at your hobby or sports league or via work ups the investment level, makes is a bit more difficult to play games. Edited December 22, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted to remove reference to now approved video
Miss Spider Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Lance Mannion said: They don't act any differently though, not the good ones. It's like a game of poker, if you have a facial tic when you are about to bluff, then the other players will know what you are up to and not fall for the bluff, so what you do is remove your tell, your facial tic. Same with the dating game, if a woman can tell that you're just in it for the sex, then guys have every incentive to remove those signals. 15 minutes ago, Lance Mannion said: They don't act any differently though, not the good ones. It's like a game of poker, if you have a facial tic when you are about to bluff, then the other players will know what you are up to and not fall for the bluff, so what you do is remove your tell, your facial tic. Same with the dating game, if a woman can tell that you're just in it for the sex, then guys have every incentive to remove those signals. Yes, true. Like I said there is a risk that they are a player, however, I don’t think most of these cases are the guy tricking the woman or anything. A lot of these cases is the guy showing signs he does not want a relationship, but sex, like in the OP’s example, heavy sexting at the beginning etc. Edited December 22, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
poppyfields Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) On 12/22/2020 at 12:50 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: It can be that way if you want it to be. But it isn’t that way for everyone. I have only met with nice people on Tinder and plenty of people wouldn’t liken dating to war at all.... Maybe for you. I agree shortskirts! I never likened it to a war either. That's just such a negative way of seeing it, and if that's how one feels, perhaps they should not date, cause people can sense that negativity and it will turn them off or even repel them. I always saw it as more like a dance, or even a game, but "game" doesn't necessarily mean bad or negative, it can and should be fun! Just like any other game you play. That said, games can be bad too [edited to remove inappropriate language] Edited December 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited to remove inappropriate language 1
Miss Spider Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) I liken it to a bag of chex mix. Throw out the Chex, enjoy the pretzels and breadstick things, and get super excited when I get a rye chip. Edited December 22, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Ruby Slippers Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 The easiest way to screen out the ones who just want sex is to wait. Also, men value more what they have to work harder to get. 5 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 Yeah, it's never happened to me. But if a woman wants something real, in general she's better off waiting. 2
Happy Lemming Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 51 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Let's face it, if the sex is really good, a man is gonna stick around. Whether it's "just" for sex or something more, time will tell. 100% Agree... Many years ago I went out with this woman and I didn't think we clicked. I wasn't going to ask her out on a second date. Well, she invited me in and we had sex. It was amazing. So I came back for seconds, thirds, etc. etc. and a relationship developed. Like you said... "Time will tell". 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 A man has never stopped dating me because I didn't have sex fast enough. Men will wait if they feel the woman is worth it. And if he doesn't think you're worth it, you're better off without him. 9 2
Pumaza Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 You need to pick a side.You want sex or serious relationship.????? If you want someone to respect you and serious relationahip,you gotta live that way. And take time to get to know him,long enough to see what he is about. If you are already sexting,sexting,you wont know.Or even if he was serious he may lose interest in something serious cause.man are hunters.They like the real hard to get girl with standards and know what she wants. Easy girls to get and to sleep with,they just sleep and play with often. Dating apps got very crazy people. there been sick storys of killers and stuff. Best is socialize in your city, get to know people you are around.And that you can ask others about what kind of guy he is if you start liking him. Those app.men,you barelly know them,and what they about,specially if you sleep fast with them. Could be a convict,rapist,killer..... Yet you trust them and be alone to even have sex.... Be careful! 1
RecentChange Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 Will you regret having sex with him if it doesn't turn into a serious relationship? I think that is the question you need to ask yourself. If you want to have sex with him, merely because you WANT TK HAVE SEX WITH HIM, and not as a means to further the relationship - then I say have sex with him. In my personal experience, and from what I know of experiences of my friends (ranging from early 20's to late 30's), is that if a guy is into you, having sex with him isn't going to chase him away. And if he was a guy that would judge you and dump you for having sex with him - is that really the sort of guy you want to build a life with? I had sex on the second time out, our first proper date. Our chemistry was unreal, and I had no reason to wait. We have been together for 19 years now, so it certainly didn't scare him off. Now if you are morally opposed to casual sex, or feel that your emotions will run too wild, or that you will be deeply disappointed if you have sex with him, and you two do not end up forming a relationship, then don't have sex. And communicate to him where you are coming from, and where you would like to take things. Few things derail a "player" more than a woman who is confident and direct in her language and actions. Be clear with your boundaries and expectations - let his reaction be your guide. 6
Wiseman2 Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 4 hours ago, Lovesoul said: We met in person and the chemistry was off the charts the day we met and we ended hooking up (didn’t go all the way), and it was amazing! Try to avoid this friend's advice. Dating sites are for dating. If sex happens it's completely up to you. If you want to hookup that's fine. If you want to be exclusive before continuing, then have the exclusive talk.
Fletch Lives Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 The best thing to do is wait. At least three dates. Two months would be even better. I suggest holding out as long as you can. 2
Lisa Posted December 22, 2020 Senior Moderators Posted December 22, 2020 It is clear that a number of posters have strong views on this topic, and as such, there has been much discussion on the pros and cons of a woman waiting to have sex. Out of respect for the OP, I have moved this discussion to a new post called Women waiting for sex to avoid being used.
princessaurora Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 I think it also depends on what phase a woman is in her life. If she's just looking to have a little fun and not for a boyfriend, she'll have sex with a guy pretty quick because she's not ready to get into a relationship. In other words, she doesn't care if he bolts afterwards because she doesn't see him as husband material. This also explains the hot bad boy types women are already picturing themselves in bed with the minute they look at them. But they also know this most likely isn't going to become their husband so they're going to bang the hot bad boy while they're his flavor of the month. But if they suddenly meet a guy they totally connect with, that instinct to "wait" may kick in and it's always best to go with your gut. That's what happened when I met my husband. I was dating another guy who had no redeeming qualities other than being hot af and I didn't see a future so we started having sex on the 4th date. Then a few weeks later he takes me to a party where I meet my now husband and like you described OP, the chemistry was off the charts. I'm talking magnetic force field pulling us to each other! I broke it off with current boyfriend and started dating him. As ready as I was to do him, a little voice kept telling me to wait. It was so strong and I felt like I should listen to it. He knew I had early sex with the other guy and even brought it up in a jokey way like "what's the deal?, what are we waiting for?" . I was honest with him and told him I wanted him to stick around so I wasn't giving it up just yet. Now just to clarify, we were doing other stuff, just not intercourse. But that was in the 90's and back then oral sex was considered foreplay and not true sex like some people today think it is. He stopped asking about it and our relationship continued to deepen. At the 3.5 month mark his parents went on a trip to Europe and I spent a few nights at his house. I decided out of nowhere it was time. I no longer had that little voice saying "wait". It was so nonchalant. I basically said "wanna have sex?" and he was like "ok". It didn't change anything because we were already so invested by then and I have no regrets making him wait. OP, there is nothing wrong with waiting a bit and I know some people said since you're sexting you're kind of already there but you can still set the tone for what you're comfortable with. I did that with my now husband. .We talked about sex before we even went out on our first date and then we talked about it all the time after that. He still respected my stance on having sex with him and didn't pressure me. I think you should be honest with your guy and tell him you want to get to know him better before you share something so intimate. While that is still no guarantee he'll stick around, if you have already established a bond with him in other aspects, it's highly unlikely he'll suddenly lose interest once you add sex to the equation Plus you're already doing other stuff with him, so he knows you find him desirable. Just trust your instincts and when the time is right you'll know. 1
Author Lovesoul Posted December 22, 2020 Author Posted December 22, 2020 2 hours ago, princessaurora said: I think it also depends on what phase a woman is in her life. If she's just looking to have a little fun and not for a boyfriend, she'll have sex with a guy pretty quick because she's not ready to get into a relationship. In other words, she doesn't care if he bolts afterwards because she doesn't see him as husband material. This also explains the hot bad boy types women are already picturing themselves in bed with the minute they look at them. But they also know this most likely isn't going to become their husband so they're going to bang the hot bad boy while they're his flavor of the month. But if they suddenly meet a guy they totally connect with, that instinct to "wait" may kick in and it's always best to go with your gut. That's what happened when I met my husband. I was dating another guy who had no redeeming qualities other than being hot af and I didn't see a future so we started having sex on the 4th date. Then a few weeks later he takes me to a party where I meet my now husband and like you described OP, the chemistry was off the charts. I'm talking magnetic force field pulling us to each other! I broke it off with current boyfriend and started dating him. As ready as I was to do him, a little voice kept telling me to wait. It was so strong and I felt like I should listen to it. He knew I had early sex with the other guy and even brought it up in a jokey way like "what's the deal?, what are we waiting for?" . I was honest with him and told him I wanted him to stick around so I wasn't giving it up just yet. Now just to clarify, we were doing other stuff, just not intercourse. But that was in the 90's and back then oral sex was considered foreplay and not true sex like some people today think it is. He stopped asking about it and our relationship continued to deepen. At the 3.5 month mark his parents went on a trip to Europe and I spent a few nights at his house. I decided out of nowhere it was time. I no longer had that little voice saying "wait". It was so nonchalant. I basically said "wanna have sex?" and he was like "ok". It didn't change anything because we were already so invested by then and I have no regrets making him wait. OP, there is nothing wrong with waiting a bit and I know some people said since you're sexting you're kind of already there but you can still set the tone for what you're comfortable with. I did that with my now husband. .We talked about sex before we even went out on our first date and then we talked about it all the time after that. He still respected my stance on having sex with him and didn't pressure me. I think you should be honest with your guy and tell him you want to get to know him better before you share something so intimate. While that is still no guarantee he'll stick around, if you have already established a bond with him in other aspects, it's highly unlikely he'll suddenly lose interest once you add sex to the equation Plus you're already doing other stuff with him, so he knows you find him desirable. Just trust your instincts and when the time is right you'll know. Wow thank you so much! I don’t know him that well so at this point I don’t know if I would like to have a relationship with him or not. Have no clue at the moment. To be honest, I believe in doing what we feel in life in general, just like you said, you followed your inner voice. I don’t agree in ‘waiting’ as a plastic way of ‘not being used’ or ‘play hard to get’ like some other posters here said. That is pure manipulation and guys also feel that from a woman. If I was a man and feel a woman is playing hard to get on purpose, I would be totally put off by it. I like things to flow naturally. This guy is not lovebombing me or making any promises or whatever. We just have an off the charts chemistry and I don’t feel we both would be able to wait and go on regular dates without anything happen. lol We just want our hands all over each other. So I guess my question here is more do I have sex with him or I don’t see him anymore. That’s what I have to decide.
snowboy91 Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 11 hours ago, Lovesoul said: I was in cloud 9 until a friend told me guys use dating apps just for sex. And I want more than just that. From your original post this seems to be the only thing that's thrown you about this guy - just that you met him on a dating app. It's true - guys can use dating apps just for sex, but not all do. But so can women. The trick is to work out whether this guy is up for more than just sex - so you have to work out whether aspects of him that aren't to do with sex (ie. do you seem compatible? Do you find him interesting/enjoyable to be with?) are also good for you. If there is more than just a physical connection for both of you, he may stick around, even if his original intention was just sex.
Miss Spider Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 2 hours ago, Lovesoul said: Wow thank you so much! I don’t know him that well so at this point I don’t know if I would like to have a relationship with him or not. Have no clue at the moment. To be honest, I believe in doing what we feel in life in general, just like you said, you followed your inner voice. I don’t agree in ‘waiting’ as a plastic way of ‘not being used’ or ‘play hard to get’ like some other posters here said. That is pure manipulation and guys also feel that from a woman. If I was a man and feel a woman is playing hard to get on purpose, I would be totally put off by it. I like things to flow naturally. This guy is not lovebombing me or making any promises or whatever. We just have an off the charts chemistry and I don’t feel we both would be able to wait and go on regular dates without anything happen. lol We just want our hands all over each other. So I guess my question here is more do I have sex with him or I don’t see him anymore. That’s what I have to decide. I see. Then do it! but don’t have any expectations from it. Do it and even if you guys never speak again, no regrets because it was what you wanted to do. Like I said before think that if you are even asking this question, you don’t have enough emotional connection build up with the person. That often comes more with time and getting to know the person
princessaurora Posted December 22, 2020 Posted December 22, 2020 3 hours ago, Lovesoul said: So I guess my question here is more do I have sex with him or I don’t see him anymore. That’s what I have to decide. How long have ya'll been dating and how many times have you physically seen each other? I don't see why you would give yourself an ultimatum like this. Is he pressuring you for intercourse? If not, even if you don't decide to jump him tomorrow, why would you stop seeing a guy you have amazing chemistry with? You said you like to just let things progress naturally, so if that's the case unless he's pressuring you for sex, when it happens, it happens. I know what you mean about hands all over each other, though. We were the same way. There was one night we were making out really intensely and I wanted to sooo bad, but that little voice kept saying "not yet". 1
Author Lovesoul Posted December 22, 2020 Author Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) 55 minutes ago, princessaurora said: How long have ya'll been dating and how many times have you physically seen each other? I don't see why you would give yourself an ultimatum like this. Is he pressuring you for intercourse? If not, even if you don't decide to jump him tomorrow, why would you stop seeing a guy you have amazing chemistry with? You said you like to just let things progress naturally, so if that's the case unless he's pressuring you for sex, when it happens, it happens. I know what you mean about hands all over each other, though. We were the same way. There was one night we were making out really intensely and I wanted to sooo bad, but that little voice kept saying "not yet". That happened with me and this guy when we hooked up on our first date. There was a voice saying ‘not yet’ in regards to go all the way with him that day. The truth is, with the amazing chemistry we have and not going all the way to the end that day, it increased the desire for each other and now is all me and him think about. lol He is not pressuring me in any way to have sex, but he is not inviting me either on any dates (for dinner, go out, etc), all he talks about is seeing me and hook up. Not in the sense of making pressure (because I want him too), but in the sense of ‘we won’t calm down until we do it’. lol Edited December 22, 2020 by Lovesoul
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