Any point continuing this?

[Alvi]

I've met this guy on the net two weeks ago.

Since pretty much everything is closed we grabbed a coffee and went for a walk. He seemed interested, we clicked or at least I think we did. The date ended with him saying that I should text him first and he is going to reply to my text and that I am the one who should ask him out on our next date and he is going to show up at the place that I name.

I found that weird, it's like he expected me to do all the work.

He also let me know that I would be the one arranging ALL of our dates.  Don't know if he is a  laidback  person or what's not but would a guy, who is interested in a woman, let her do all the work herself? He would probably be eager, calling, taxing, arranging dates with her? Right? Wrong?  

In any case  so we continued texting for the next few days. True to his word, he was always replying to my texts but never initiated himself. I've asked him to meet me in the park. Like I've mentioned, pretty much everything is closed.  The second date wend well, he seemed to show interest, asked me lots of questions about myself but again, mentioned that I am the one who should initiate any further contacts.

Again, after a second date we staying in touch with me initiating all the texting.

Last Friday, I've asked too meet me again in another park. I was running out of ideas to be honest. We met last Friday, went for a walk, climbed some stairs. It was fun but I was honestly tired initiating everything first. He seems to be interested in talking, meeting, shows interest during the dates but nothing beyond that. I didn't text him on Saturday and Sunday. Don't want to play games here but honestly, I didn't feel like I should be the one initiating everything.

Sure enough didn't hear anything from him during the weekend. And today in the morning, he sends me a text saying: "Hello?" That's it. Not asking how I am doing or wondering how my weekend went.  I feel like I am wasting my time with him. Why would a guy want a woman do all of the initiating?

Guess the question I am asking is what would you do? Would you continue seeing him? He seems nice enough and seems eager to date me but that's about it.

Edited December 24, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs

[stillafool]

You shouldn't.  He doesn't want to put in any work to be with you.  Forget him.  If you go out someplace he'll probably expect you to pick up; the tab.

[Alvi]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

You shouldn't.  He doesn't want to put in any work to be with you.  Forget him.  If you go out someplace he'll probably expect you to pick up; the tab.

Thanks. That's what I am thinking too. 

[Happy Lemming]

8 minutes ago, Alvi said:

 I found that weird...

I do too... I've always done the date planning.  I usually try to pick up on hints made by the woman and attempt to tailor the date to something she would enjoy.

I did date one woman that was a bit of a "Foodie" she would offer up suggestions, but I think that was because she was a very picky eater.

He seems to either have "low energy" or "low interest".  I do understand that a lot of things are closed during the pandemic, but he should get creative.  Picnic lunch on a hiking trail, cross country skiing, outdoor ice skating... something along those lines.

[amygirl908]

I think it's really odd with how upfront he was about insisting that he wasn't going to initiate anything with you. If you don't really like him I'd just walk away. If this is a connection you want to pursue further I would just be completely honest with him. Ask him why he is so insistent on you initiating all contact and dates, and then follow up with the fact that you want a relationship that is more mutual. If he's not willing to change the dynamic then he's definitely not worth it. In my opinion it never hurts to ask and 100% of all conflict/problems comes from some form of miscommunication.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Alvi said:

He also let me know that I would be the one arranging ALL of our dates. 

 he sends me a text saying: "Hello?" 

Excellent. Plan the next date...with someone else who's not into headgames.

[HiCrunchy]

He seems socially inept and rude to boot tbh....I wouldn't bother....

And the "Hello?" text would piss me off.

 

[tempover100]

Initially reading this I thought he was negging you - a very poor and socially awkward way of flirting. But it looks like he's made his requests known. If you want an equal partnership, this guy ain't it. Words straight from his mouth. 

[kendahke]

No point whatsoever.  Block him.

[kismetkismet]

That is honestly bizarre. Like he's on some kind of weird power trip where he gets off on not having to put in ANY effort whatsoever? That's not how relationships of any kind work. Did he give any kind of explanation for this? You definitely shouldn't see him again, I'm just so curious why/how he thinks this an ok way to approach dating...

 

Edited December 21, 2020 by kismetkismet

[Ruby Slippers]

I have zero interest in submissive, passive men (most women don't), so I never would have contacted him again after his little speech. 

[Miss Spider]

It’s very weird. Maybe he has some mental problem that we have not found out about.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Maybe he has some mental problem that we have not found out about.

Yes. Make her chase you from pickup artist rhetoric

[Alvi]

Thanks everyone! You are right, something is off about this. It's like he expects me to chase him or something. The thing is that he appears to be interested in me on our dates, asks questions, makes jokes. Weird.  Or I could be totally wrong and he is not that interested in me.

He had zero problems asking me out on our first date, so don't see why can't he ask me for more dates. And expected to always to contact him first, well, this is not working for me. 

In any case, I am not going to contact him anymore. Doubt I will ever hear from him again. I function a lot better in the relationship where a guy puts most of the effort or at least the majority of it. At the beginning at least.  He might be an OK guy, but his approach would not for me in the long run. 

So, on to the next!

Edited December 21, 2020 by Alvi

[ShyViolet]

Umm what?  This is very strange indeed.  This guy sounds like he has no social skills.  A text of simply "hello?", that is just rude.  It would be a "no" from me.

[Miss Spider]

He might have asperger syndrome or some other issue that causes him to be socially different. I’m learning not judge people too harshly for things I might not understand, as part of personal growth. But I would not continue dating him and taking him on dates, needless to say. Incompatible. 

Edited December 21, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

I feel like I am wasting my time with him. Why would a guy want a woman do all of the initiating? Guess the question I am asking is what would you do? Would you continue seeing him? 

If you think you are wasting your time then you are. 

At the time he made this announcement about you having to do all the initiating, I would have asked him why he would say that.  I would have explored his preference in more detail right then & there to ascertain the motives behind it & in an effort to get him to shoulder some responsibility for initiating.  I would have used it as a reason to have a conversation about how both parties have the responsibility to move things forward.  If I couldn't get some buy in for that proposition, I never would have had the 2nd date.  
 

15 minutes ago, Alvi said:

In any case, I am not going to contact him anymore.

Giving up without every talking to him about why he doesn't initiate means you will never know. 

Instead of asking us you needed to talk to him.  Your unwillingness to do that means you never give him the opportunity to change, to participate.  

It's your choice to just give up.  It's a valid choice but it's one that leaves you wondering.  I'm not saying that he was ever going to give you a reasonable answer or that he would ever be willing to be a participant in your relationship but I'd still want to know his reasons.  

[smackie9]

Guys doesn't put in any real effort? yes next him...it's not your style.

[Versacehottie]

Wow, ok...um no I wouldn't continue to date him.  I also think along with things that others have said that he is actually insecure (and lazy!! what a terrible combo!!).  He is using your initiating as evidence that you are still interested.   That's why with a lull you got a "hello?".  It's all actually a total turn off.  Due to the shut down everything is you can do is virtually free and if not free, cheap, so what's his issue exactly?  Lack of imagination, confidence and creativity.  Insecure and lazy...shall I keep going?  This is a no brainer.  Drop him

[Watercolors]

On 12/21/2020 at 12:19 PM, Alvi said:

We met last Friday, went for a walk, climbed some stairs. It was fun but I was honestly tired initiating everything first. He seems to be interested in talking, meeting, shows interest during the dates but nothing beyond that.

He isn’t interested in pursuing anything with you, sorry. If you have to initiate any dates with OLD guys, that’s your first red flag that they aren’t invested. 

[Alvi]

Update:

I haven't heard anything from him since that lame "Hello?" I assume he wasn't interested in me or at least not that much. Let's say something, God forbid, happened to me. He would not care enough to even text or phone me to find out. If I was in distress or needed some help, would he even offer a helping hand first? Doubtful. But of course, he would not care enough to find out if I was in distress or needed any help. This is simply not the kind of guy I would like to have for a long term. 

 I deleted his number and am talking to other guys. 

Edited December 24, 2020 by Alvi

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Update:

I haven't heard anything from him since that lame "Hello?" I assume he wasn't interested in me or at least not that much. Let's say something, God forbid, happened to me. He would not care enough to even text or phone me to find out. If I was in distress or needed some help, would he even offer a helping hand first? Doubtful. But of course, he would not care enough to find out if I was in distress or needed any help. This is simply not the kind of guy I would like to have for a long term. 

 I deleted his number and am talking to other guys. 

If you deleted his phone number and are talking to other guys, then why do you care? Short of wearing a billboard on himself that read, “I don’t want to date you,” how did you misread his cues of 100% disinterest in you? You two were complete strangers. Why would he care about what happens to you? That’s not normal anyway. All the guys I went out on first, second and third dates with, were not on my emergency speed dial list for accidents and such, b/c they were complete strangers to me. No guy is, unless you’ve been dating him for minimum 4-5 months. But one date does not a relationship make. I’m worried about you. I don’t think you are managing your expectations with dating. I don’t think your expectations are very realistic. 

[Alvi]

31 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

If you deleted his phone number and are talking to other guys, then why do you care? Short of wearing a billboard on himself that read, “I don’t want to date you,” how did you misread his cues of 100% disinterest in you? You two were complete strangers. Why would he care about what happens to you? That’s not normal anyway. All the guys I went out on first, second and third dates with, were not on my emergency speed dial list for accidents and such, b/c they were complete strangers to me. No guy is, unless you’ve been dating him for minimum 4-5 months. But one date does not a relationship make. I’m worried about you. I don’t think you are managing your expectations with dating. I don’t think your expectations are very realistic. 

No need to worry. This is me talking about the long run. If something happened between us in a long run. Nothing more than that. I am NOT talking just after 3 dates. I DEFINETELY would never keep anybody on my speed dial just after 3 dates. Just my inner thinking and rambling and venting on this board. I didn't intend to make it sound so drastic and dramatic. Don't think he should care about me at all about couple of dates but I don't think he would care enough about me if we ended up dating for couple of years either. In other worlds, he is not the kind of guy I see myself  having a relationship with. That is all I meant to say.

I have a very realistic expectations, believe it or not. I wasn't sure about this guy so I asked a question about him. Because he did seem to like me during our dates. I did misread the ques, perhaps, but it's not like I've dated him for month and month. It's only been 3 dates after all. I am sure about him now. I am totally over him. It's only been 3 dates, I found out that he was not that into me and moved on. END OF STORY.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Alvi