Dating a very attractive girl but I'm worried she's not my type

[Lance Mannion]

57 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Just to give you all a bit of context instead of guessing about my situation and it might help clear up some things. Also I've had some more thoughts about everything which might explain why I'm feeling this way.

I'm in my early thirties. A number of women I've dated / spoken to on Tinder (as well as friends) have described me as quite a good looking guy, but I guess I grew into myself over the years so it's only recently that I've discovered my attractiveness so to speak. I'm far from cocky and am in no way a pick up artist (if I'm understanding the acronym 'PUA' correctly!). However I would be quite picky about who I date. Not at all to do with my own looks and looking for a '10' or something silly. I've just always been this way.

One of the posters may have been onto something. I would nearly always make the first move for a kiss. On our second date she grabbed me unexpectedly in the middle of a busy street and kissed me. Again, I did enjoy the kiss but I was very thrown by it. Maybe it was just that I wasn't expecting it. Then on the last date we were watching a movie and she pretty much pounced on me without warning. And this was much more intense than I'm used to and was certainly sexually charged. Whenever I've made out with a girl and then pulled away at any point, that would be it. But with her it was non-stop. She would pull me back in for more. I felt a bit out of control of the situation.

I wouldn't be the most confident sexually either. I've a feeling that she's quite experienced in the bedroom based on some of her earlier comments and I have to say that I have had very few sexual partners. It may have subconsciously one of the reasons why I spurned her advances to go up to her bedroom.

I do think I'm attracted to her given that I was more than happy to go on 3 dates with her when my dating life largely consisted of single dates that were unfortunately ended by me. There's definitely something attracting me to her, but at the same time I might be intimidated by her confidence which I'm not used to. Don't get me wrong, I don't go for vulnerable or insecure women. I like whoever I date to be confident in themselves, but this seems to be another level. I've gone on dates with very confident women before, but they didn't work out because it was an obnoxious kind of confidence. This isn't like that.

The more I type the more I feel I have my own issues I should be dealing with!

What you need from this woman is for her to make you feel confident in yourself when you're with her. What you cannot do is ask her to make you feel that way. You need to do this for yourself.

She's into you, so you should get an ego-boost there. She's wanting to be intimate with you, another ego-boost. Everything she is doing at this stage is affirming you, so good for her. Now you have to step up and kick yourself in the butt and get with the program. Fake it until you make it.  If everything goes well when you escalate intimacy, then you will have earned your confidence and you will no longer have to fake it.

[Trail Blazer]

I've had this happen once, OP.  I went on three dates with a very attractive girl, but I wasn't attracted to her. 

I can only put my finger on the reason being, we were so very different.  I am a little reserved while she was very outgoing.  A dancer. 

She was extremely into me, yet I couldn't understand why I wasn't to her.  I didn't want to jump her bones like she wished to mine.

After three dates, I told her that I couldn't see myself settling down right now.  It was partially true, but the reality was, I just didn't want to settle down with her.  Except, I didn't fully realize this until a few months later when I met my current girlfriend.

Objectively speaking, both women are beautiful.  Dare I say it, a lot of guys would probably pick the dancer over my girlfriend because she was outgoing, flamboyant etc. while my girlfriend is quieter, not quite as athletic - more of the academic type, but still fit, healthy, and in good shape.

Why did I choose my girlfriend?  It wasn't really a choice.  It was instant attraction, attraction which was mirrored.  It was mutual.  We could both feel it from our first date, from the first encounter, actually.

I was flattered that the other girl was so into me, but that wasn't enough.  Sure, some buddies of mine thought I was nuts not dating her when she was so into me.  However, "chemisty" isn't something you can rationalize to somebody else.

You have to ask yourself whether you think you're going to develop attraction.  The fact that you turned her down for sex is a big red flag.  I don't think it would be wise to pursue this any further, but that's just my opinion. 

[mark clemson]

FWIW, I've occasionally had this happen too where the girl was attractive and personable, etc, but "something was off" and she didn't turn me on very much. Not common (for me), but it happens. Don't think it was confidence exactly in my case - more a question of "appeal" in a sexual sense (vs. a prosaic sense). In a way it's sort of like those ideas that sounds great on paper but don't work as a practical reality. It "should' be happening, but for some reason it isn't. I could see confidence being an issue or part of the issue in some situations as well.

Edited December 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

FWIW, I've occasionally had this happen too where the girl was attractive and personable, etc, but "something was off" and she didn't turn me on very much. Not common (for me), but it happens. Don't think it was confidence exactly in my case - more a question of "appeal" in a sexual sense (vs. a prosaic sense). In a way it's sort of like those ideas that sounds great on paper but don't work as a practical reality. It "should' be happening, but for some reason it isn't. I could see confidence being an issue or part of the issue in some situations as well.

I can objectively look at a woman and say she’s attractive.  Sure I could have sex with her.  Feelings for her take more than looks. A woman I meet might not be hot eye candy and she might be attractive but at first time I don’t look at her as she is hot.  As I get to know her and I connect with her attraction grows.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

 . There's definitely something attracting me to her, 

Ok. That's what dating is. To see if it's a good fit. 

You don't need to map out your future after 3 dates.

You also don't need deep psychoanalytical retrospect to simply go on another date and play it by ear.

This is just what dating is. You feel things out with time and see what happens. ..or doesn't happen. 

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I can...

I'm not entirely sure why you quoted me, but sure - this sounds normal. For example, there are certainly woman who are attractive, even extremely attractive, but whose personalities are such that having feelings for them would be next to impossible (for me, at least). And yes, of course feelings beyond initial attraction/desire/"hitting it off" etc tend to develop over time rather than being an instant thing.

On the flip side of this - speaking for myself there appear to be plenty of women out there who are just "ok" by standards of conventional beauty who I can feel initial attraction for, e.g. by their personality, "energy", body, level of apparent interest in me, etc. From what I understand not every guy is like this, but I am how I am, just as you. For me, that initial "fun" attraction is what may or may not snowball into deeper attraction as a relationship develops.

Edited December 23, 2020 by mark clemson

[Emilie Jolie]

On 12/22/2020 at 9:17 PM, zincmagnesium8 said:

Just to give you all a bit of context instead of guessing about my situation and it might help clear up some things. Also I've had some more thoughts about everything which might explain why I'm feeling this way.

I'm in my early thirties. A number of women I've dated / spoken to on Tinder (as well as friends) have described me as quite a good looking guy, but I guess I grew into myself over the years so it's only recently that I've discovered my attractiveness so to speak. I'm far from cocky and am in no way a pick up artist (if I'm understanding the acronym 'PUA' correctly!). However I would be quite picky about who I date. Not at all to do with my own looks and looking for a '10' or something silly. I've just always been this way.

One of the posters may have been onto something. I would nearly always make the first move for a kiss. On our second date she grabbed me unexpectedly in the middle of a busy street and kissed me. Again, I did enjoy the kiss but I was very thrown by it. Maybe it was just that I wasn't expecting it. Then on the last date we were watching a movie and she pretty much pounced on me without warning. And this was much more intense than I'm used to and was certainly sexually charged. Whenever I've made out with a girl and then pulled away at any point, that would be it. But with her it was non-stop. She would pull me back in for more. I felt a bit out of control of the situation.

I wouldn't be the most confident sexually either. I've a feeling that she's quite experienced in the bedroom based on some of her earlier comments and I have to say that I have had very few sexual partners. It may have subconsciously one of the reasons why I spurned her advances to go up to her bedroom.

I do think I'm attracted to her given that I was more than happy to go on 3 dates with her when my dating life largely consisted of single dates that were unfortunately ended by me. There's definitely something attracting me to her, but at the same time I might be intimidated by her confidence which I'm not used to. Don't get me wrong, I don't go for vulnerable or insecure women. I like whoever I date to be confident in themselves, but this seems to be another level. I've gone on dates with very confident women before, but they didn't work out because it was an obnoxious kind of confidence. This isn't like that.

The more I type the more I feel I have my own issues I should be dealing with!

Don't pursue this thing (or any other thing) unless you are feeling 100% confident in yourself - that would be my advice.

While your candour is commendable, a good looking guy in his 30's with seemingly extensive dating experience and high standards shouldn't be doubting himself that much.  Besides, you don't know her that well (3 dates is nothing); she's a normal human being with flaws and imperfections, just like you.

She apparently is interested in you, you're not that sure yet yourself (which is fine) - maybe that's simply a question of inbalance in interest. It happens. Just be honest with yourself (and her), tell her you're not feeling it and continue looking for a better match for you - you'll both survive it! 

[Emilie Jolie]

46 minutes ago, S2B said:

I think you may be intimidated by her power, her control. It’s not unusual if you don’t find that part of her appealing.

just don’t keep dating her if she isn’t a good match. Don’t over think it with her.

 

but certainly work with a therapist if you can’t figure out what it is that has you hung up trying to figure this out.

How I've interpreted it is that she put herself on the line because she likes him. This might not be something she does on the regular - or at all. She's evidently not in control of anything in this situation, to the point she had to apologise to him for crossing his line.

Maybe I'm reading this all wrong, but I'm seeing someone (her) interested and someone (him) not.

It doesn't need to go at breakneck pace at all (not possible anyway while we're in a pandemic), you can still gently and safely get to know someone, and there's never any time wasted when you enjoy someone's company, but there needs to be a base level of both going in the same direction, for both their sake.

I know I'm not going to want to invest time in someone who is not as invested as I am. 

 

[Alvi]

Well, end it nicely with her if you are not feeling it.

[Bye]

On 12/21/2020 at 10:23 AM, zincmagnesium8 said:

I get that, but can attraction not develop over time? I do find myself only going on one or two dates with girls and then giving up because I'm not falling head over heels for them. I'm trying to take a better approach to dating but I'm not sure if this is the right way!

Should there always be an initial insatiable sexual attraction?

It's not that there should always be an initial "insatiable" sexual attraction towards the person you're dating - but, there should always be an element (however slight) of physical and/or sexual attraction.

Sexual attraction and chemistry initially 'attract you' TO that person. Once that happens, then you can get to KNOW the psychological and emotional parts of their personality, what their temperaments and life views are, etc. to find out if you FEEL an Emotional and Spiritual attraction towards them. IF you DO, then you may have a viable match for a life partner and should continue to date this person to see what develops.

You should look into the Law of Attraction to learn how you can attract the type of person you want to have in your life. Once you build momentum and maintain a state of positive vibration by using the LOA, you will realize how this Universal Law works every time you have a thought about anything (and the positive or negative feeling associated with your thought), whether you believe this power exists or not. 

 

[zincmagnesium8]

Sorry for not replying sooner. Christmas period has been a distraction! 

I think a part of this comes down to her texting habits as well. She would be very slow to respond, or will not respond to a message unless there's a question attached to it. Because this is the way she behaves I've kind of adopted the same approach. I normally like to have a nice back and forth over messages but it doesn't happen with her. I also tend to continue to message someone until they say "goodnight" or something as I feel the conversation hasn't ended until then. I don't do that with her because she doesn't do it. I guess I'm not really being myself because she doesn't reciprocate in the same way. 

I've also noticed that she's been active on Tinder lately. She told me that she only dates one guy at a time and stops swiping until she follows through with her first match. No issue with her still being on Tinder, but I guess she's given up on me now? 

It's funny how that kind of thing can suddenly rekindle interest, even though I was uncertain about her before! 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

It's funny how that kind of thing can suddenly rekindle interest, even though I was uncertain about her before! 

Leave her be, OP.

You don't think she's your type, you find her too forward, you can't be yourself because of her texting habits, you are intimidated by one thing or the other, you seem supremely ambivalent at best - if the only thing attracting you to her now is her losing interest in you, this is not genuine, and it's ego driven.

My advice would be to go back to Tinder yourself or wherever, and swipe away, and let her find someone who will be attracted to who she is.

Good luck!

[Miss Spider]

7 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

Sorry for not replying sooner. Christmas period has been a distraction! 

I think a part of this comes down to her texting habits as well. She would be very slow to respond, or will not respond to a message unless there's a question attached to it. Because this is the way she behaves I've kind of adopted the same approach. I normally like to have a nice back and forth over messages but it doesn't happen with her. I also tend to continue to message someone until they say "goodnight" or something as I feel the conversation hasn't ended until then. I don't do that with her because she doesn't do it. I guess I'm not really being myself because she doesn't reciprocate in the same way. 

I've also noticed that she's been active on Tinder lately. She told me that she only dates one guy at a time and stops swiping until she follows through with her first match. No issue with her still being on Tinder, but I guess she's given up on me now? 

It's funny how that kind of thing can suddenly rekindle interest, even though I was uncertain about her before! 

Yeah the chase is fun... but she doesn’t sound that interested ... she’s an attractive woman on tinder. She’s not going to stop unless she’s really feeling it. Sounds like neither one of you are too into each other. Look elsewhere

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

You aren't that into her and she can tell. Move on. 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

. She would be very slow to respond, or will not respond to a message unless there's a question attached to it.

 I've kind of adopted the same approach. 

Excellent. At the very least, you have seen a texting style that makes lot of sense. A relaxed pace and an indicator that there's life away from the phone.

This is also a great indicator that someone is not clingy.

Texting is not dating. And text-tethering is not that good either.

This is why dating, even if things don't work out, is a good idea. You can always learn something new

 

 

[smackie9]

Yes you are interested because to be less available (which she is doing) makes her more desirable. But once she starts giving you more attention, it's gonna wear off again. I have no idea why you are fighting so hard on this. She doesn't do it for ya so move on.

[Emilie Jolie]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. At the very least, you have seen a texting style that makes lot of sense. A relaxed pace and an indicator that there's life away from the phone.

This is also a great indicator that someone is not clingy.

Texting is not dating. And text-tethering is not that good either.

This is why dating, even if things don't work out, is a good idea. You can always learn something new

 

 

All true. 

You can take something positive from any experience.  @zincmagnesium8 maybe you just needed to relax a little bit into the process of getting to know someone different after all those 1st dates. Did you end up asking her on a 4th date?

 

[dramafreezone]

So you don't have 100% attraction to her.  Is there a reason why you can't date her while dating other women?  Do you enjoy spending time with her?

Some women grow on you.  I don't know how good you are at getting dates but I don't make a habit of cutting off attractive women with a high level of interest.  If you like spending time with her but don't have this red-hot attraction to her I don't see the problem in continuing to date her.  If she wants to be exclusive at some point then I could see that being a problem but why make it an issue right now?

EDIT: Now looks like she's lost interest and you're interested in her?  Maybe time to just move on.  If she's as attractive as you say and you were being too much of a cold fish she probably thought that you either didn't have confidence or were rejecting her and moved on to the next guy.  It's probably over for good.

Edited December 29, 2020 by dramafreezone

[zincmagnesium8]

On 12/29/2020 at 10:25 PM, Emilie Jolie said:

All true. 

You can take something positive from any experience.  @zincmagnesium8 maybe you just needed to relax a little bit into the process of getting to know someone different after all those 1st dates. Did you end up asking her on a 4th date?

 

 

On 12/29/2020 at 11:22 PM, dramafreezone said:

So you don't have 100% attraction to her.  Is there a reason why you can't date her while dating other women?  Do you enjoy spending time with her?

Some women grow on you.  I don't know how good you are at getting dates but I don't make a habit of cutting off attractive women with a high level of interest.  If you like spending time with her but don't have this red-hot attraction to her I don't see the problem in continuing to date her.  If she wants to be exclusive at some point then I could see that being a problem but why make it an issue right now?

EDIT: Now looks like she's lost interest and you're interested in her?  Maybe time to just move on.  If she's as attractive as you say and you were being too much of a cold fish she probably thought that you either didn't have confidence or were rejecting her and moved on to the next guy.  It's probably over for good.

I went on a 4th date with her yesterday. It was at her place, just watching a movie. Very casual. Again she made the first move and she was very forward. I did enjoy it and was "stimulated" but then when things went a bit further suddenly there was nothing. It was nearly like in my mind I was telling myself "please stay aroused!" and the pressure got to me. I had to tell her to stop to take a break, but in reality it just wasn't happening down there. We just watched the rest of the movie and then I went home. I noticed she was back on Tinder again at some point afterwards, so she may have felt that things weren't going anywhere after I sort of shunned her again.

I really do enjoy spending time with her which is why I'm so confused. I've only felt really strong attraction to a couple of women in the past. I don't feel that here, but I enjoy her company much more than 95% of the women I've dated.

I know it sounds like I'm overthinking things, but it's only because I've abandoned so many dates because I didn't feel that instant strong attraction. I figure I'm doing something wrong when I see all my friends always being in a relationship and I'm passing on every girl I date. Some of my friends said I've high standards and it seems that even the most attractive woman I've ever dated is not enough for me!

Do you think I should tell her I'm not feeling the spark? I would really like to keep seeing her, but it may not materialize into anything more than friends. I don't want to waste her time if I'm not fully feeling it. For all I know it could be something else entirely. Maybe my libido is low and it's nothing to do with her. Would be a shame to throw it away like that. I'm so down over this now.

[Alpacalia]

Does her Tinder profile state what she is looking for?   And, what about you?

I ask because it seems she went back on Tinder right away after you left so she may be perfectly fine with keeping things relatively casual (since you're not really feeling a romantic connection).

[zincmagnesium8]

23 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Does her Tinder profile state what she is looking for?   And, what about you?

I ask because it seems she went back on Tinder right away after you left so she may be perfectly fine with keeping things relatively casual (since you're not really feeling a romantic connection).

I figure she's after something serious and long-term as she says in her profile that once she matches she'll stop swiping until she goes on a date.

I would be after something serious as well. I really don't like casual hook-ups if that's what you mean. 

Maybe I should ask her directly what she's looking for and avoid anything ambiguous.

[zincmagnesium8]

I messaged her a few moments ago and we both said we weren't feeling the spark. Was happy to hear that. I think I would have been willing to keep it going casually for a while to see if any connection formed, but I probably would have been wasting both of our time.

We agreed to stay in touch though, which I hope actually happens as she's a really nice girl.

[elaine567]

It is not long since you broke up with your gf.
I guess you are just not ready to date again yet.

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I messaged her a few moments ago and we both said we weren't feeling the spark. 

Do people really speak this way IRL?  They're not feeling "the spark"?  I hear these words a lot here and other forums, never IRL not those words.  

But anyway, I'm curious who said it first? 

>>she made the first move and she was very forward.

Given this^, I find it odd she wouid say she felt no spark, but whatever.  

I'm glad you got your closure zinc, all the best moving forward.  HNY!

 

[zincmagnesium8]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It is not long since you broke up with your gf.
I guess you are just not ready to date again yet.

I don't think that's it at all. To be honest ever since I got closure with her my mind has been free of thoughts of her. It's actually amazing what closure can do!

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Do people really speak this way IRL?  They're not feeling "the spark"?  I hear these words a lot here and other forums, never IRL not those words.  

But anyway, I'm curious who said it first? 

>>she made the first move and she was very forward.

Given this^, I find it odd she wouid say she felt no spark, but whatever.  

I'm glad you got your closure zinc, all the best moving forward.  HNY!

 

The word 'spark' was used believe it or not!

I apologized for being standoffish with her sexual advances and said I wasn't sure why it happened and that I don't want to waste her time if it's going to be an issue for her.

She then said she didn't feel the spark, which probably could be a lack of sexual chemistry which is fair. Or maybe she saw me faltering early in our dates and she abandoned ship.

Either way it ended well and hopefully we stay in touch, but like most of the time these people fade away into time.

Back to the drawing board!