zincmagnesium8 Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 This is a strange one. I matched with a girl on Tinder and we've been on a few dates. I'm pretty selective about who I date and when I saw her profile on Tinder I knew she was really beautiful but wouldn't be the kind of girl I normally go out with. I tend to go for the more geeky types but I'm not sure why! I said I would give it a chance as she had some nice things written in her bio. The first couple of dates went very well and she turned out to be a really nice girl and seemed to be very into me. On the 3rd date she invited me over to hers for a movie. It all was going well and then we kind of started kissing and fooling around. She was actually very forward and found it hard to pry her off me! It was nice but I didn't find myself being hugely turned on by it. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy it, but I've felt much much stronger attraction with other women. She even asked me if we should go up to her bedroom and I politely declined. I didn't intend on sleeping with her that night, but I know that if it was someone I was really attracted to I would have found it very difficult to turn her down. I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this. She lives a very different life to mine. I'd be more the geeky type whereas she would be the total opposite. I'm very technically minded where she is very creative. Her lifestyle is also alien to me because she is a model where I sit at a desk from 9 to 5. I'm wondering if her confidence and attractiveness has subconsciously intimidated me. I could be talking nonsense but I just don't know why I wouldn't be all over her when so many other guys would be. I want to give her a chance because she is a really nice girl. Is there anything I can do to get over what I think is this mental block? At what point do you just walk away?
elaine567 Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 Attraction is attraction, sometimes it makes no sense. You know that other guys would find her attractive and that keeps you in there, but in reality the "spark" isn't there. You can't manufacture that. Trying to force yourself to "like" her, wont work and it will be a waste of your time. 7
Calmandfocused Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 (edited) You see her as attractive but you are not attracted to her. If you are not attracted to her you will not want to have sex with her. if you do not want to have sex with her there is no point in seeing her again. It doesn’t matter if someone is nice - tell her this. But don’t continue to date a woman who you’re not attracted to. It’s not fair on either of you. Edited December 21, 2020 by Calmandfocused 1
Author zincmagnesium8 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Posted December 21, 2020 I get that, but can attraction not develop over time? I do find myself only going on one or two dates with girls and then giving up because I'm not falling head over heels for them. I'm trying to take a better approach to dating but I'm not sure if this is the right way! Should there always be an initial insatiable sexual attraction?
poppyfields Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said: Should there always be an initial insatiable sexual attraction? Insatiable is too strong a word, but sexual attraction, yes! At least imo, for me. Others might disagree but for me, I either felt that "pull" (attraction/chemistry) fairly quickly into the first meet/date or never. I used to give it several dates, just to see if anything was happening, there never was, at least on my end. So I stopped that. Most of the men I dated I met IRL and I had quite a few "one and done's" as they say. Edited December 21, 2020 by poppyfields 1
smackie9 Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 I have met plenty of "attractive" men in my time, and very few I would have a relationship with because nothing much was a match personality wise, etc. So this is what you are discovering, Attractiveness doesn't always=chemistry. Not sure why you need to analyze this. Look at it for what it is...you are not feeling it, next her. 4
poppyfields Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Attractiveness doesn't always=chemistry. Not sure why you need to analyze this. Look at it for what it is...you are not feeling it, next her. So true. I've had men confuse the two, even hassle me when I declined second date. Huge PITA at times. OP, smackie is right. No need to analyze. You're not obligated to be "attracted to" her just because her outward appearance is attractive. Big difference. Edited December 21, 2020 by poppyfields
Emilie Jolie Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 If you're not attracted, you're not attracted. You don't sound intimidated at all, you think she's a nice person, you've given it 3 dates - if you don't want to take things further with her, that's the end of the road as far as you two are concerned - no?
Ami1uwant Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 Serious question here... I understand she is different from what you usually date. Have you gotten to know more about her and what common interests you have? Common goals ? I don’t dismiss peop,echo do some things atypical of others I’ve dated.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Attractiveness doesn't always=chemistry. Very true. I've been out with some fine men who were also good on paper but just didn't turn me on intellectually and otherwise. It's up to you if you want to give it more time. But I think if she's actively trying to have sex with you and you're still not feeling it, it's probably not a match. 2
Mrin Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 ZMA - it happens. And sometimes it can't be explained. I had a situation like that. Didn't change. Ended up not asking her out anymore. 1
Emilie Jolie Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said: I understand she is different from what you usually date. Have you gotten to know more about her and what common interests you have? Common goals ? That's a good question, but OP here seems to have put his focus on the physical part only. That's how some people screen their partners, which is their preference. Others would need much longer than 3 dates to decide. @zincmagnesium8mentioned he would have taken it further had he been attracted, so maybe that's how he selects his partners?
Author zincmagnesium8 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Posted December 21, 2020 I don't know if I'm over analyzing it or not. Before this I would've just ended things but people have told me I'm too quick to jump to ending things and that I should give it a chance. I've enjoyed the dates we've had so far and would like to give it a chance, as long as it makes sense. I don't want to waste her time either. I did have this moment when we were fooling around that I was conscious that things weren't happening downstairs (don't want to get too descriptive!) and then my mind started focusing on it and then it really wasn't happening because I was wondering what was wrong. Once my mind let go things went back to normal, but as a "red blooded male" I was just confused as to why it was happening to me with this very attractive woman. Maybe the pressure of the situation got to me. I don't normally date girls that are that sexually forward!
kismetkismet Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 Personal attraction doesn't always line up with what is conventionally attractive. Totally normal. If you don't think your personalities and lifestyles line up AND you're not that attracted to her, then it's probably not going to go anywhere. But if you're not sure yet, try another date or two that let you get to know her (not a movie at her house). Conventionally attractive people can be geeky too!
ShyViolet Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 4 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said: I want to give her a chance because she is a really nice girl. Is there anything I can do to get over what I think is this mental block? At what point do you just walk away? You shouldn't have to convince yourself or fight with yourself to "like" a person, to feel that a person is the right one for you. It should just feel natural. I'm not sure why you are calling this a "mental block". I think it's just that she isn't quite right for you. If the attraction is there, you'd feel it. Listen to your instincts. Just because she is great and attractive on paper doesn't mean that she's right for YOU. Don't waste her time if you're not feeling the chemistry with her. 1
Ami1uwant Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 34 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said: I don't know if I'm over analyzing it or not. Before this I would've just ended things but people have told me I'm too quick to jump to ending things and that I should give it a chance. I've enjoyed the dates we've had so far and would like to give it a chance, as long as it makes sense. I don't want to waste her time either. I did have this moment when we were fooling around that I was conscious that things weren't happening downstairs (don't want to get too descriptive!) and then my mind started focusing on it and then it really wasn't happening because I was wondering what was wrong. Once my mind let go things went back to normal, but as a "red blooded male" I was just confused as to why it was happening to me with this very attractive woman. Maybe the pressure of the situation got to me. I don't normally date girls that are that sexually forward! Was downstairs active at other times?
Emilie Jolie Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 42 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said: I've enjoyed the dates we've had so far and would like to give it a chance, as long as it makes sense. I don't want to waste her time either. How is she seeing the situation? Dors she want to continue on getting to know you, or has her confidence been knocked a little since you seemingly 'refused' her advances?
princessaurora Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 The last guy I dated before I met my husband fit this category. Extremely good looking, great physique, studying to be a lawyer. We were together for a few months, but I knew by date 4, things weren't going anywhere. I did have sex with him, but it was completely without feeling on my part. When he was done, I just wanted him off me. His personality was so different from mine, it was a complete turnoff. He had rude manners, was homophobic, and a bit racist. It started to disgust me pretty quick. He ended up falling head over heels for me, and I had a very hard time breaking it off with him. He offered me expensive jewelry, a car, money, just to give it more time for me to love him back. When I told him no, I knew I wouldn't ever change my feelings, he began to stalk me. He even rallied up his frat brothers and they showed up at a bar and started a fight with me because I broke his heart. This dude could not handle rejection. Looking back now, I realize what a mistake it was to lead him on and I wish I never would have done so. I never should have slept with him because that bonded him even more to me than he already was and for me it was just a great orgasm. It was almost like I was the guy and he was the girl in that situation. I acted selfishly, not even considering what it meant to him. I assumed he was the typical college guy who just wanted to have a little fun. So if you're not attracted to her, don't force yourself to sleep with her just because she's magazine pretty. It wouldn't be fair to potentially bond with her in that way if you don't see a future with her. While looks can initially attract a person, it will quickly fade if there's no connection. She deserves a man who wants her body and soul, not a guy trying to make himself feel something just because he's dating a model. 1
amygirl908 Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said: I've enjoyed the dates we've had so far and would like to give it a chance, as long as it makes sense. I don't want to waste her time either. You're still getting to know each other and if you've enjoyed your time together then you should see where it goes. Wasting her time would be like if you dated her for months, but at this point you are not obligated to make that serious of a decision. 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: I understand she is different from what you usually date. Have you gotten to know more about her and what common interests you have? Common goals ? ^^^^ this. I used to have a laundry list of things I looked for in a partner and dated within a certain type. I didn't date people who had a different lifestyle than me or who had different thoughts from myself and I was really not doing well with dating. I was limiting myself too much. So I threw away my checklist and I started a new much shorter list. I realized that you can connect with people from all different walks of life who have different thoughts and ideas, that's what makes the world go around. Different qualities can compliment each other. Ultimately my deal breaker was that I couldn't date someone who didn't share my core values. It opened up my eyes and really has let me meet lots of great people. With internet dating everyone has this vision of their perfect partner and it's so easy to just move onto the next without exploring the opportunity. Different doesn't always mean incompatible and it doesn't have to be scary or intimidating. 1
flitzanu Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 i'm going to give you a fair warning here. this is less related to your question of attraction, and more toward turning down sex from a hot girl. i can only speak to personal experience, but, turning down sex can be a pretty solid nail in the coffin. this isn't about your decision being right or wrong, i just wanted to point this out in case your next post is "girl tried to bang me and now she's ghosting me what do i do??"" i'm not a lady and can't fathom their behavior, though i could suppose it must be a big ego slam to turn down sex and make them turn against you.
poppyfields Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 (edited) Having common interests and goals has literally zero to do with mental/physical/emotional/ sexual attraction. It's nice, and sharing the same goals (not necessarily same interests) is necessarily to developing a relationship but feeling "attracted to" someone goes beyond sharing same interests and goals. If that's all there is, become friends. Edited December 21, 2020 by poppyfields
Miss Spider Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said: I get that, but can attraction not develop over time? I do find myself only going on one or two dates with girls and then giving up because I'm not falling head over heels for them. I'm trying to take a better approach to dating but I'm not sure if this is the right way! Should there always be an initial insatiable sexual attraction? It does for some people. For some people not. It might be worth finding out depending on other factors, but I usually don’t because I don’t like going on dates with people who I’m not into when there are others I am that I could spending that time with. I have dated guys like this. Very conventionally attractive, but wasn’t doing it for me. One did modeling for high end fashion brands and his face was on billboards and in magazines ... but I wasn’t attracted to him. That was because he was attractive more by the standards of society, but not to me personally/my taste. Another case was a guy that was very physically attractive to me, but aspects of his personality really annoyed me, so I lost attraction overall. It can be all sorts of things, but if you’re not attracted you’re not attracted Edited December 21, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Emilie Jolie Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 11 minutes ago, flitzanu said: i'm not a lady and can't fathom their behavior, though i could suppose it must be a big ego slam to turn down sex and make them turn against you. If they both want to keep it going, they'll iron out those little initial hickups, talk about it a bit and move on. If OP here already knows she's not for him for whatever reason however, yeah he should probably thank her for those 3 nice days and let her go. 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: mental/physical/emotional/ sexual attraction. That's the glue, along with shared core values. Not sure how this can be determined after 3 dates, but I don't date and suspect people who do (like our OP here) can gauge things a bit more quickly than me. I personally need all of this in equal measure but also need to be 100% sure at every single step, meaning I need far much longer than any guy is willing to give me. To me, '3 dates' sounds like 5 minutes, but I also know I'm an outlier. Hopefully@zincmagnesium8will do right by them both. 1
Miss Spider Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 Well I might not know it am interested in that connection in three dates, but I can definitely know if I’m NOT in three dates, if you know what I mean 2
Author zincmagnesium8 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Posted December 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: Was downstairs active at other times? 1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said: How is she seeing the situation? Dors she want to continue on getting to know you, or has her confidence been knocked a little since you seemingly 'refused' her advances? Yes she wants to continue to see me. She even messaged me afterwards saying that she had a really great time, but apologized for her forwardness! 37 minutes ago, amygirl908 said: You're still getting to know each other and if you've enjoyed your time together then you should see where it goes. Wasting her time would be like if you dated her for months, but at this point you are not obligated to make that serious of a decision. ^^^^ this. I used to have a laundry list of things I looked for in a partner and dated within a certain type. I didn't date people who had a different lifestyle than me or who had different thoughts from myself and I was really not doing well with dating. I was limiting myself too much. So I threw away my checklist and I started a new much shorter list. I realized that you can connect with people from all different walks of life who have different thoughts and ideas, that's what makes the world go around. Different qualities can compliment each other. Ultimately my deal breaker was that I couldn't date someone who didn't share my core values. It opened up my eyes and really has let me meet lots of great people. With internet dating everyone has this vision of their perfect partner and it's so easy to just move onto the next without exploring the opportunity. Different doesn't always mean incompatible and it doesn't have to be scary or intimidating. I have to say that we have very different interests and hobbies. I don't know if that feeds into it as well. She's into different music, she's not a big fan of watching movies (I love them), she's an outdoors type (I'm more of a restaurant and bar guy). I do find it very interesting to be exposed to a different lifestyle and interests and might help me grow as a person. I always hear that you need to have something in common, but then they say opposites attract so I don't know what to believe! We definitely have a lot of the same core values as far as I can tell. Maybe that's the most important thing. 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Having common interests and goals has literally zero to do with mental/physical/emotional/ sexual attraction. It's nice, and sharing the same goals (not necessarily same interests) is necessarily to developing a relationship but feeling "attracted to" someone goes beyond sharing same interests and goals. If that's all there is, become friends. I know what you're saying but there are couples who have known each other for a while before actually dating and there was no initial attraction per se. Up until now I've based all my dates largely off looks and it hasn't proven successful yet!
Recommended Posts