love4me1991 Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 So at the end of september I met somebody on OLD. We hit it off for about a month. I was super stressed during this time selling and buying a new home so for a few weeks after we slowed down a lot. After I moved into my new place we kind of picked back up seeing each other and things have been really good for the passed 2 weeks (hes spent the last 2 weekends with me). About a week ago he had spoken to me about being quiet and taking initiative to message him to show more interest ( i held back a bit as i didn't want to seem needy) We also had a talk about not seeing other people/ being on old sites. Great, i thought this was a step in the right direction. However the other day i had a friend come across his profile on 2 different platforms. Im not interested in anything casual and am quite upset he lied to me. I would just like some advice on how to handle ending things what do i say? Bring up? Should I do it in person as we’ve mostly talked about this stuff over text? Maybe its not personable enough? thank you !
kendahke Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 (edited) Phone call or text--liars don't deserve consideration. I'd say "remember that discussion we had about not seeing other people or being on dating sites? Were you serious about that?" If he says yes, then say "I had a friend bring to my attention that you have active profiles on two different platforms, which leads me to think that you really aren't serious about what you said, so I'm walking this back, seeing that you're not done with online dating sites". Then block his number so you don't have to hear the litany of lies he's going to trot out. Then go back to not getting in touch with him--he's the one who was caught in a lie, not you. Your reaction to his lie would be normal to distance yourself from him. He knows he's got two active profiles and he knew he had active profiles when he lied to you. Edited December 19, 2020 by kendahke
smackie9 Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 Just say “It looks like we are looking for different things so I am no longer taking this any further.” 1
Miss Spider Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 (edited) This is another case where think it would be ok to just never respond. What is the point? All it’s going to do is make a really weird thing weirder. You guys weren’t exclusive, so he didn’t do anything wrong. Edited December 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 Could these be old profiles? Do they say the last time he logged on? 1
Author love4me1991 Posted December 19, 2020 Author Posted December 19, 2020 17 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: This is another case where think it would be ok to just never respond. What is the point? All it’s going to do is make a really weird thing weirder. You guys weren’t exclusive, so he didn’t do anything wrong. So that was kind of why I wanted to ask the question, I really like the guy should I try and ask for exclusivity instead of ending it ?
Author love4me1991 Posted December 19, 2020 Author Posted December 19, 2020 8 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Could these be old profiles? Do they say the last time he logged on? They dont say when he last logged in. A couple of weeks ago he got a phone call from somebody on bumble with the same name as mine late at night. He showed me his call history as he thought it was from me. And asked why I was on bumble. After that we had the talk of old and he said he was going to delete it. So I find it a bit strange unless he deleted the app and not his profile?
poppyfields Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, love4me1991 said: We also had a talk about not seeing other people/ being on old sites. Great, i thought this was a step in the right direction. I'm confused about this^, did you both agree to be exclusive? At first, agreed with shortskirts, say nothing and quietly walk. But after reading again, not sure. If me, my rational brain would tell him what your friend found and ask him about it. My emotional brain would be upset and probably just end it. Which I don't recommend you do without asking him first, but would understand if you did given the talk you had and also him telling you to "initiate more to show interest." What a bunch of bull. Edited December 19, 2020 by poppyfields
Miss Spider Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 (edited) 50 minutes ago, love4me1991 said: So that was kind of why I wanted to ask the question, I really like the guy should I try and ask for exclusivity instead of ending it ? Oh OK. Your first post was asking for advice on how to end it, and that’s what I think you should do (nothing). I don’t think he did anything wrong. At worst, if he’s still active on the dating app, he doesn’t want to be exclusive with you yet. At best, he’s not actively dating, has just has not deleted his profile. A lot of casual daters might feel it’s too soon. They just go with the flow and whatever happens happens, but both are dating around so it’s nbd. But people that are dating for a relationship/something serious usually know by a couple dates if they are moving towards that. So, yes I would definitely get some clarification there from him if that is important to you Edited December 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
amygirl908 Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 If you’re trying to salvage this relationship talk it out with him and make sure it’s in person. A lot harder to lie when you’re face to face, but not completely out of the realm of reality. I’ll be honest I became exclusive with someone from OLD and just deleted the apps off my phone. Not knowing I needed to deactivate my profile or whatever so there is potential that there is just a miscommunication. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 4 hours ago, love4me1991 said: About a week ago he had spoken to me about being quiet and taking initiative to message him to show more interest ( i held back a bit as i didn't want to seem needy) We also had a talk about not seeing other people/ being on old sites. Great, i thought this was a step in the right direction. These sentences blatantly contradict each other. You held back for the dumb reason of "didn't want to seem needy" (utterly foolish thinking but put that aside for now). Then you are happy that you guys talk about not seeing other people. Which is it? If you want a relationship, you don't play the hold back for fear of being needy thing. Let's see: what if he has profiles on those other sites because he doesn't want to seem needy? Why not avoid him and not respond for a few months? That way, you seem not needy. This not seem needy meme just took off and went viral into utter foolishness. Showing you're interested in someone is not needy. Returning someone's calls fast--if that fits your schedule and you want to--is not needy. What's needy is not having the confidence to express an honest interest in the first place. Very needy and insecure to hold back needlessly. 1
poppyfields Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 (edited) OP, fwiw, I knew what you meant and disagree those comments contradict. I used to be same as you, a desire/need to play the "cool girl" believing if I showed too much interest, my boyfriend(s) would get bored, lose interest. At most it was ignorance, at worst insecurity. Because being the cool girl can have the opposite effect on a guy, he may believe you're not interested and dump you for that. Which did happen to me once actually, but that was back when I was extremely self-entitled and took NO initiative. Needing exclusivity is a completely different thing. It's not insecure to need exclusivity, it's normal and neccessary in developing a close intimate relationship. It sounds like you did agree to be exclusive, deactivate dating profiles you were active on, so him still maintaining active profiles on those sites or different sites, I'm calling BS on that. Edited December 19, 2020 by poppyfields
MsJayne Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 Get your friend to contact him on the dating app and see how he responds. 2
introverted1 Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 (edited) A lot of OLD sites play games with profiles, leaving them visible even after they've (supposedly) been hidden or deactivated by the user. Of course, it's possible he's just stringing you along. I'd talk to him. Edited December 19, 2020 by introverted1 2
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2020 Posted December 20, 2020 I would talk to him -- not text, not phone -- actually talk in person so you can see his body language. Remind him of the discussions you had & the promises he made. Tell him your friend found him. See what he says. It may be that he deleted the app off the phone but not the profile. If he wasn't active, it's no harm no foul. If he deletes the profile now, I think it might be OK. Learn the difference between being self assured & needy. A self assured person talks about what they want & expect in a relationship. The discussion flows from a place of strength because they know themselves & their boundaries. A needy person attaches themselves to a new person in their life & acts like they can't live without that person even though they just met. It's a fearful thing. When you want exclusivity that is not needy. You were wrong to bury your legitimate expectations.
Wiseman2 Posted December 20, 2020 Posted December 20, 2020 On 12/19/2020 at 11:19 AM, love4me1991 said: we kind of picked back up seeing each other and things have been really good for the passed 2 weeks (hes spent the last 2 weekends with me). the other day i had a friend come across his profile on 2 different platforms. Talk to him directly about being exclusive, if you wish to continue. Try to avoid too much too soon with marathon weekends etc. pace yourself.
poppyfields Posted December 20, 2020 Posted December 20, 2020 27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Talk to him directly about being exclusive, if you wish to continue. They already did: >>We also had a talk about not seeing other people/ being on old sites. Great, i thought this was a step in the right direction<<
TooManyDates Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 Just beware, I am not 100% but in some cases if you just delete the app your profile will stay there. You have to physically go into settings and delete profile before deleting the app. 1 1
Ami1uwant Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 On 12/19/2020 at 11:19 AM, love4me1991 said: So at the end of september I met somebody on OLD. We hit it off for about a month. I was super stressed during this time selling and buying a new home so for a few weeks after we slowed down a lot. After I moved into my new place we kind of picked back up seeing each other and things have been really good for the passed 2 weeks (hes spent the last 2 weekends with me). About a week ago he had spoken to me about being quiet and taking initiative to message him to show more interest ( i held back a bit as i didn't want to seem needy) We also had a talk about not seeing other people/ being on old sites. Great, i thought this was a step in the right direction. However the other day i had a friend come across his profile on 2 different platforms. Im not interested in anything casual and am quite upset he lied to me. I would just like some advice on how to handle ending things what do i say? Bring up? Should I do it in person as we’ve mostly talked about this stuff over text? Maybe its not personable enough? thank you ! a few things you need to understand aboutOLD1. Did you say you were exclusive? Just talked about it? 2. If you are just starting a relationship, don’t expect the other person to delete a profile until the relationship is considered a LTIR/serious. Right now all you are is saying you are casually exclusive dating. 3. with online dating sites you can put profile on a pause setting but still show up in matching or searches. Many prior non paying members show up. Profile activity is tied to reading emails from the company...not logging into your profile.
kendahke Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 15 hours ago, TooManyDates said: Just beware, I am not 100% but in some cases if you just delete the app your profile will stay there. You have to physically go into settings and delete profile before deleting the app. Exactly--when I'm off a dating site, I take all the photos down and return all the information buffers to no answer status--I never leave photos up so they can't use them. 1
Mrin Posted December 21, 2020 Posted December 21, 2020 On 12/20/2020 at 7:10 AM, d0nnivain said: I would talk to him -- not text, not phone -- actually talk in person so you can see his body language. Remind him of the discussions you had & the promises he made. Tell him your friend found him. See what he says. It may be that he deleted the app off the phone but not the profile. If he wasn't active, it's no harm no foul. If he deletes the profile now, I think it might be OK. Learn the difference between being self assured & needy. A self assured person talks about what they want & expect in a relationship. The discussion flows from a place of strength because they know themselves & their boundaries. A needy person attaches themselves to a new person in their life & acts like they can't live without that person even though they just met. It's a fearful thing. When you want exclusivity that is not needy. You were wrong to bury your legitimate expectations. ^^^ this x 100. Seriously, he could have just deleted the app on his phone. That doesn't work. You actually have to deactivate or hide your profile. And.... as some have said, that isn't always instantaneous. Just talk to him in person. Tell him what you know and see how he reacts and what he says (two different things BTW).
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