How could he say those things and then just want to be friends?!? Please help!!!

[Lauren83]

Hi, I'm in an interesting situation with a guy named Chase, and I hope to receive a lot of feedback because I'm very confused. (This will be very long)

 

I met chase last semester. We're both juniors in college and he was in my sculpture class. He blows glass and makes vases, bowls, and jewelry for a living (but it's also his passion and he's very good at it). We didn't talk much during the semester, but there was definite chemistry between us. I would always smile at him and he'd smile back. I thought he was very cute and I liked his style. (We both have a very artsy/funky/vintage style) We'd greet each other and make small talk, but nothing more than that. At the beginning of this semester I saw him at an activities fair where he came up to me and said "I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Ben." I shook his hand and we talked a little bit about art and our current classes. He acted extremely nervous the entire time and suddenly had to go. I thought it was weird, but wrote it off as him being nervous. My best friend, who was with me, thought he liked me. The next day, he sent me a message on facebook and we talked a little bit through that. I saw him around campus a few times and at a few parties, but we only had short conversations.

 

Then, last week, he was sitting at one of the computers when I went into my graphic design class. I said "hi" and sat on the other side of the room because there weren't any other open computers next to him. About halfway through the class, he came and started working on the computer next to me. He was doing homework for another class, but started asking me about the assignment I was working on. We started talking, and we really hit it off. We talked for about 2 hours and then another class came in and we had to leave. As we were walking out and going our separate ways, he said "hey, what do you normally do toward the end of the week." and I said "it just depends. I usually hang out with friends." Then, he asked "would you like to go get pizza with me on Friday?". So, I said that I would and he told me that he'd call me and set up a time.

 

Friday evening, Chase picked me up at 7:30 and took me to his favorite little pizza place. The conversation picked up immediately and we talked and talked all through dinner. After dinner, we went back to his place (that he shares with 2 guys - who were both out of town that weekend) to play foosball. I beat him twice and he beat me once. Then, we watched a video about glass blowing, because he's very passionate about it and he wanted to show me one of the Italian masters at work. It was very interesting actually. I enjoyed it. He showed me some of his pieces also, and I liked them very much. After that, we decided to go back to campus and see if there was anything going on. We ended up climbing up to the roof of one of the buildings on campus to look at the stars, but it was too bright from the city lights and we couldn't see anything. He said, "the only way you can see the stars is if you go about 30 minutes outside of the city". So, I asked him if he was up for it. He smiled and said "yeah, but we'll have to take your car" (I have an SUV, he has a small car)

 

So, we drove my SUV about 30 minutes out and came across a dirt road. We took it for about a mile and then found the perfect empty field. We parked the car in the middle of it and climbed on top (with a blanket I had picked up at my apt. before we left). It was very chilly outside, so we huddled close to each other and wrapped ourselves in the blanket. We talked for about 45 minutes and then made up stories about the different star patterns that we found. We saw 3 shooting stars, one of which was very bright! It was so amazing! The amount of stars was endless, and you could even see the milky way! I was blow away by it all. After a while, I commented about how cold it was and he replied that his shoulder was very warm, so we cuddled up even closer. Ten minutes later, we were making out. He was very sweet, very gentle and the sparks flew! We continued for about 20 minutes and then it got so cold that we had to drive back.

 

We hung out at my apt. for a while, but it was already close to 3am, so we were both falling asleep. He said, "you're really tired, and so am I, so I'm going to leave now. But I'll carry you back to your bed". I insisted that I was perfectly capable of walking on my own two feet, but he picked me up and was gently laying me down on the bed before I knew it. He kissed me goodbye and then left.

 

He told me to call him on Saturday after I was done working, so I did. He was at work (at the glass studio), but wanted me to come visit him. I went over there for about 45 minutes, and then I had to leave because his boss was getting a little aggrivated. That night, we went to a concert at a club with some friends (we knew the performer) and after the show, I went back to Chase's house and we watched a movie. We both fell asleep, and woke up toward the end. We were spooning on the couch, but decided to move to his bedroom after the movie ended. We made out for close to an hour, and he kept saying sweet things like "I really like you", "you're so adorable". He commented on how cute my dimples were and then kissed them both. Then, we finally went to sleep.

 

When we woke up, the first thing he did was kiss me. Then, he went to change the music and we started making out. I told him that I had to leave and he said "no you don't". I attempted to leave for 3hrs!! We kept making out and then he took off my bra and ...well...you can imagine the rest. (we didn't have sex though) He finally said that if I ever wanted to leave, I would have to run out the door! lol And I basically did.

 

I ended up leaving my jacket and a necklace over at his place, but I went home to visit my family on Sunday. I saw him Monday evening and the first thing he did when I opened the door was kiss me. We talked for a while, and then decided to watch a movie. I didn't have a large selection, but my best friend lives in the apt. across the hall, so I suggested that we go over there to look. He said "I don't know about that". I asked him why, and he said "she's your best friend! If she doesn't approve of me, I'm out!". It was very cute that he was so nervous about that. We went over there and decided on Seinfeld Season 4. We only made it through half of one episode before we were making out again. This time, we both lost our shirts pretty early on. I told him I wanted to go slow, and he was perfectly OK with that. We quickly moved into the bedroom, and made out for a few hours on my bed. Then, we talked for a few hours, and he told me that he's going to study abroad in London in the spring so he didn't want to have a girlfriend when he leaves. I said I was OK with that and informed him that I might be going over to France to study abroad in the spring as well. He also said "I have a secret". I asked him what it was, and he said "ever since the first time I saw you - in sculpture class - I've had a huge crush on you. I'd watch for you every day, and was disappointed when you weren't there. I imagined what you'd be like in my head and you're actually really close to what I pictured.....And that date we went on Friday night was the best date I've EVER been on!" I told him that it was the best date I'd ever been on also, because it really was. After the talk, we made out a little more. It took him about 30 minutes to leave, but he finally did...and left his cell phone behind.

 

Tuesday evening, he came over to get his cell phone and my best friend, Jen, was over here. We hung out for a while, and then made dinner. Jen left early, because she'd already eaten, and we fixed dinner together. He'd kiss me on the forehead when I'd pass him to get a knife or to reach for the salt. And we'd make out while we were waiting for things to cook. After we ate, he told me that he had something to say. He said "I hope you don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I don't know if this can go any further." I gave him a quizzical look. He continued to say "You're really sweet and I don't want to do anything stupid to hurt you. I'm leaving for London in two months and I think that if we continue like this, it will be incredibly hard for both of us when I leave. I had a girlfriend in Boston over the summer [where he interned] and I even broke up with her before school started because I was going to London." I didn't know what to say, so I just said that he made a good point, but that it really sucked that we had to end it this way. He said "I definitely want to be friends. I'm a really good friend!" And then he gave me a long kiss goodbye....and another..and he said "god, you're so cute!"....and another....and almost another but he had to sprint out before it went any further. And that's the last I've seen or heard from him.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. We fit together SO well and we have so many intense connections, I just don't want this to end for good. It's undeniable that we have tons of chemistry, and that we both care a lot about each other. I have been moping around and crying for two days and I just can't seem to get over him. I've never met anyone like that before, that I've had so much of a connection with, and that I've felt that comfortable with. (I pretty much never even kiss on the first date, regardless! But I really wanted to kiss HIM!) I'm debating on whether or not I should tell him that "it's going to be really hard for me to just be friends with you, but I care about you so much, and I want you in my life. So, I want to try to make it work. I just don't understand why we can't be together now and then just take a break - see other people while we're studying abroad - and then come back and pick up where we left off". We could visit each other occasionally because France and England are very close to each other! What do you guys think I should do?! I'm so confused! Please help!!!! I can't stop thinking about him and I miss him with all my heart and soul!

 

 

Lauren

[Chimerical]

I have a tendency to live too much "in the moment"... and although I know it may end up hurting me worse, I never want the fear of being hurt to stop me from living now. Knowing this about me, you may not want to take my advice.. but here goes.

 

I would tell him I enjoyed being with him and why, let him know I'm not asking for a commitment on his part, but that I truly enjoy his company and don't want to miss out on experiencing someone so incredible, simple because I was afraid of feeling hurt when he leaves. Because if either of you died tomorrow, would you think to yourself, "Gosh, glad I didn't spend anymore time with them so I'm not as hurt." Or would you wish like hell you'd spent the small amount of time you had with someone you honestly enjoy being with?

 

Life isn't always about protecting your heart. It's also about living it, here and now.

 

But you'd have to go into it knowing that you'll probably end up crushed in the spring, and not let that stop you from enjoying now.

 

An analogy:

I love snowboarding, and there's a huge jump at the place I go to. Every time, I'd take the jump. It scared the hell outta me, but it was the most amazing feeling! I was scared of the jump, but I wouldn't let the fear conquer me. Sometimes I'd land the jump just fine, but more times then not I crashed. One day I took the jump off balance, when I crashed I broke my arm and my back. I learned a lot about pain, and what I'm able to overcome, and how strong I am. I'm healed now, and I'm nearly as physically strong as I had been, but mentally I'm a so much stronger then I ever was. I go snowboarding every year since the crash. I know how much it could hurt, but I'm not going to stop living life to hide in a cave of safety because I'm scared of some pain. Pain passes, wounds heal. And if you're dead, you won't know it anyway.

[Lauren83]

Thank you so much for your advice. I'm a very "in the moment" person as well, so it is very hard for me to just sit around, miserable without him, knowing that we could be together if we wanted to be. I have decided to tell him how I feel on Sunday, when he gets back from a trip with some friends. Wish me luck! I'm SO nervous. But, I know that no matter how it turns out, I won't regret being honest and giving it a shot. Thanks again!

 

Lauren

[Chimerical]

Lauren

 

I wish you the best!!! If you remember, or get a chance, shoot a reply on here and let me know how it turned out. I've got my money on him falling for you hard. Kind of sounds like he is already, and it scared him.

 

Good luck!

[Lauren83]

I told Chase how I felt on Sunday night. He asked me what was up and I started off by saying "I really like you. And if everything you've said is true I think you feel the same way about me. So I just don't see why we can't just live in the moment now and be together. And then worry about everything else in December." He sat there for a few minutes, thinking about it. I could tell his was really torn and that he wanted to say yes, but couldn't. He said "usually, I'm all for doing that, but that was before I asked you out and started developing these feelings for you. I just think it's going to be really, really hard for us both if we get any closer and then we have to leave and not see each other for 6 or 7 months. And I have a ton of paperwork and interviews to do in order to get ready to leave. So I think we should just wait until we get back and then pick up where we left off." I knew there wouldn't be any way I could change his mind, so I said that was fine. Neither one of us want to get too close too fast and end up breaking up during the time we're apart. We want this relationship to last. So, that's where we are right now. It really sucks!!! I miss him every second of the day! I don't know how long I should wait to call him. After we had that talk, he stuck around my apt for about 45 more minutes and showed me his new computer that he was REALLY excited about. He also wanted me to hear his friend's music. I told him that I'd gone camping with some friends that weekend and he asked me if I'd take him camping sometime soon. I told him that I would. I'm just wondering how long I should wait before I ask him to hang out? It's already been a week. Has it been long enough? Or should I wait until I run into him around campus and just see how things go? We're both going to a pretty big Halloween party on campus, but I don't know what to dress up as. I want to look hot, but not slutty. I have to make him see what he's missing out on! lol Some guy friends of mine seemed to think that Harry Potter would be hot - just a private school outfit with a black cape and a wand. Or my English riding outfit (I ride horses, so I already have everything). I don't know. What do you think? Do you have any better ideas? Suggestions? Anything?

 

Lauren

[LucreziaBorgia]

He sat there for a few minutes, thinking about it. I could tell his was really torn and that he wanted to say yes, but couldn't. He said "usually, I'm all for doing that, but that was before I asked you out and started developing these feelings for you. I just think it's going to be really, really hard for us both if we get any closer and then we have to leave and not see each other for 6 or 7 months. And I have a ton of paperwork and interviews to do in order to get ready to leave.

 

I think he may have left out the part about wanting to see other women before he leaves. Ever since I read this post, I wondered about that - and the more I think about it the more convinced I am that you aren't the only girl he is seeing - or intends to see now or in the near future. There is nothing wrong with that, really - he is getting ready to leave for a while and if there were more than one girl he wanted to be with before leaving, then why not date around and not commit to any one of them? It has always been my experience that when a guy wants to be with you, he will be. A guy who doesn't want to be with you (or only you) will leave you with hopeful sounding excuses and delays - and you find yourself initiating all the contact and 'dates'.

 

Those things he are saying sound like excuses. I've never seen a man who was in love with someone and wanted to be with her prioritize stuff like paperwork and "afraid of my feelings excuse" over wanting to spend time with her and be with her. I've only seen that sort of stuff said to a woman that he wanted to be with occasionally, but not want to be with every day or exclusively - and certainly not enough to want to continue anything long distance. A guy who wants a relationship to develop and last doesn't say or do the things he is doing.

 

This is a guy on the move, and doesn't want anything or anyone holding him back or tying him down. His priorities in terms of your 'relationship' with him are extremely mismatched to your own here - and there is only one way its going to go down: you are going to get your heart broken if you invest any more time into this.

 

I'm just wondering how long I should wait before I ask him to hang out? It's already been a week. Has it been long enough?

 

I hate to put it this way, but if he wanted to be with you the way that you want to be with him - you wouldn't even have to be asking this question.

[Mary3]

I agree with Lucrezia. I think the " We can pick up later when I get back " means he intends to be clean and clear when he goes to his other destination. Meaning other girls....other trysts,,,, Thats my feel for that one.

 

If he honestly loved you he would not want you out of his life.

 

Is he into you ? Absolutely !

 

He is all that and a bag of chips !

 

But he wants his freedom right now and you are Miss Right Now and friend to be....