Why would his other in appropriate relationships with women be ok but not ours

[Lotsgoingon]

Sleeping with a married man is the recipe--almost 100 percent guaranteed--to result in disappointment. Sleeping with a married man that you have had a crush on is 110-percent guaranteed to be a disappointment.

Get on with your life. Why are you out there dating other people? You're acting like you are dependent on his little words of approval. Forget him. Move on. Time to drop this teenage-crush and grow up. 

 

 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Mandy96 said:

Just talked to one of our mutual friends, she’s saying he told her am trying to ruin his marriage because he turned me down and that I sought out to sabotage him. He was only a friend to me and nothing more happened but am out to ruin his “reputation” he told her.

What a load of baloney this bloke. Now ALL our many mutual friends will be left to pick sides because he can’t be honest about what a sleaze ball he is. 
 

Yes - there you are. He is choosing his marriage and throwing you under the bus.

I find it ironic that while he's cheating he's a handsome prince who you'll have intimate relations with, but once he chooses to stay with his wife, he suddenly becomes a toad. All those women he flirts with (and who flirt right back) apparently don't think he's a toad either. Guess it's all very subjective...

Be glad he chose his wife. Now you don't have to deal with him. ST it may hurt, but LT you're better off.

Edited December 18, 2020 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

Did you never consider that sleeping with this guy was always going to split your friends. How many would actually think it was fine for you to break up this guy's marriage and upset his wife and kids ? How many would be on your side?
I guess not many.

Edited December 18, 2020 by elaine567

[Mandy96]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did you never consider that sleeping with this guy was always going to split your friends. How many would actually think it was fine for you to break up this guy's marriage and upset his wife and kids ? How many would be on your side?
I guess not many.

Maybe am biased but am not part of the marriage, his wife and him are, so if he is stepping out on her then he is the one breaking up his marriage, which he was all too happy to assist in behind her back.

He could have told me he wasn’t interested but he never said that or said no.  He only said they weren’t in a good place and accepted my advances the times he seemed not to it was halfheartedly done and usually followed by finding me later. 

 

[Mandy96]

30 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Yes - there you are. He is choosing his marriage and throwing you under the bus.

I find it ironic that while he's cheating he's a handsome prince who you'll have intimate relations with, but once he chooses to stay with his wife, he suddenly becomes a toad. All those women he flirts with (and who flirt right back) apparently don't think he's a toad either. Guess it's all very subjective...

Be glad he chose his wife. Now you don't have to deal with him. ST it may hurt, but LT you're better off.

I guess he made it seem their marriage was ending and not in a good place and I ate it up, most married men do this from the looks of it on this site. So yeah he seemed like a prince to me because I guess I was taking him at face value and not for who he actually was.

[Lotsgoingon]

You are complicit in him violating his marriage commitment. But let's push morality aside. Dating a married man is self-destructive--for you. There rarely is anything good that comes out of it.

Neglect from the married partner is built in. You cannot have an equal relationship with a married person. Like now, you have narrowed your own sense of your self worth to random words that this guys reportedly says to other people. And then we get to the real truth: even if this person stayed with you and left his wife for you, the relationship is unstable because most likely you'll fear that he'll cheat on you just as he cheated on his wife with you.

There is no such thing as "I'm leaving my wife." That's about as convincing as "the rent is on the way" or "I have a million dollars coming to me in the next week." Yes, happens .1 percent of the time. But 99.9 percent of the time, does not happen. And you don't have a relationship or real relationship practice to build on even if the man left his wife. All you have practice with is time-limited trysts.

Having good occasional sex with someone is one thing. Being able to enjoy their company--and them yours--in an ongoing real relationship where you stay in touch 24 hours a day is something quite different.

Why aren't you dating other people?

 

[Mandy96]

Also, he would say he wished he had dated me before he dated her because now he can’t change his life, am confuse as to why he’d confess this if he was so afraid of getting caught cheating on his wife and why he’d say this if he didn’t want me around.

All odd behavior 

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, Mandy96 said:

Maybe am biased but am not part of the marriage, his wife and him are, so if he is stepping out on her then he is the one breaking up his marriage, which he was all too happy to assist in behind her back.

You don't get away with that.
You knew exactly what you were doing...

[Mandy96]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You don't get away with that.
You knew exactly what you were doing...

Am ok with showing someone am interested in, that I’m interested in them regardless of their situation, it’s up to that person to tell me a heck no, he didn’t do this, and is now pretending like he never cheated on his wife at all.... that marriage was wrecked before I got there because he has no morals about cheating. Am not married and have never taken vows with a man, he is not my husband that am stepping out on so am not cheating on anyone. 
 

If he wanted me to respect his marriage then he should have shown me he respected his own marriage, otherwise how do you expect a stranger to respect it ? 
 

If you were married and someone showed interest in you, would you expect that person to respect your marriage if you were flirting back with them, meeting with them and sleeping with them ? Of course not ! That would be ludicrous 

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

 I must admit though, he did not pursue sex with me, it was my idea and he went with it after a while, so it wasn’t his fault.

 

4 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

 so this morning he actually texted me! Not to say happy belated birthday or anything, but to tell me why I had opened my mouth about us to others, he was furious. 
I told him I could have done worse, I could have told his wife what a POS she married but didn’t so he should be grateful and he says, “you were the one throwing yourself at me, I just gave in” making it seem like it was only me to blame when he is friendly with other women too... 

I'm sorry Mandy but he was right.  I don't know why you would tell your mutual friends about the sex you had with him and then blame him for it.  When you understand your fault in all of this you will be able to heal and move on.  Until you do you will remain stuck.

[Mandy96]

Also, they do have a set of twins and they both married each other young, she was 20 and he was 19. I thought maybe he just married too young and made a mistake, he definitely let me know this a few times and also that maybe in another two years when the twins started school that he’d be able to leave her. Odd things to say when you have no intention of getting caught cheating, he’d TEXT me these things, I still have those texts. 
 

Also, why wouldn’t he try harder to help her with the twins if he loved her so much as he is claiming to ? I don’t have kids so not sure how hard to raise kids can be, but I do know you won’t find better answers in bed with someone else....
 

Whatever, it is what it is. Our friends will just either drop both of us or pick sides, guess I’ll find out how strong our friendships are.

I will not be getting involved with a married man in the future, because I see now that they are liars and cheats for literally no reason

[Mandy96]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

I'm sorry Mandy but he was right.  I don't know why you would tell your mutual friends about the sex you had with him and then blame him for it.  When you understand your fault in all of this you will be able to heal and move on.  Until you do you will remain stuck.

Technically the second time we slept together he was the one who pursued. 
 

I told our friends because several times they had invited me to their place or out to eat and I said no because he was going to be there so they were wondering what was going on, so I told them the truth, I have nothing to hide, he apparently has a lot to hide, which is not my problem he can’t be honest. So then he texts me all upset for what ? 
 

 

[VD01]

I think because he knew there is feelings involve. He knew you weren't into it just for sex or flirt or whatever but because you were in love with him. So with others it's okay cuz it was only flirting but with you it's a no-no. 

[Mandy96]

Just now, VD01 said:

I think because he knew there is feelings involve. He knew you weren't into it just for sex or flirt or whatever but because you were in love with him. So with others it's okay cuz it was only flirting but with you it's a no-no. 

Yeah, I think it’s safer for him to cheat with others because they get that it’s not serious and they are ok with him cheating and staying married. 
 

 

[mark clemson]

35 minutes ago, Mandy96 said:

Also, they do have a set of twins and they both married each other young, she was 20 and he was 19. I thought maybe he just married too young and made a mistake

Perhaps that's true, but it's really not your mistake to repair or end - it's theirs.  He's chosen his kids and family over you, can you really blame him?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

22 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

Anyways, am just bitter, I’ve got myself to blame but since we had sex and then he leaves, I can’t help but feel like a used up rag doll. It wasn’t his fault we slept together twice but still, I feel sadden. 

This is what happens when we value someone else above our own self. It's a tough lesson. Time to get past your high school crush and move on to greener pastures. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

What respect and love does he have for anyone ?

What respect and love do you have for yourself?

See this for what it is...married guy accepted the sex you tossed at him, it was easy and now he wants to avoid "complications," like his wife giving him grief or you having more expectations, so he's running away.

The more you ask why why why, the more you are twisting yourself in knots for nothing. This isn't about you or who you are. It's about a couple of adults who made bad choices. The good news is that every second you get to choose to walk away from this. Itcs up to you when you will decide to do that. 

[Mandy96]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Perhaps that's true, but it's really not your mistake to repair or end - it's theirs.  He's chosen his kids and family over you, can you really blame him?

I guess if he thought his family was so important he wouldn’t have risked it by cheating in the first place.

The only one he has chosen over me is himself 

 

[Mandy96]

11 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

What respect and love do you have for yourself?

See this for what it is...married guy accepted the sex you tossed at him, it was easy and now he wants to avoid "complications," like his wife giving him grief or you having more expectations, so he's running away.

The more you ask why why why, the more you are twisting yourself in knots for nothing. This isn't about you or who you are. It's about a couple of adults who made bad choices. The good news is that every second you get to choose to walk away from this. Itcs up to you when you will decide to do that. 

Absolutely, I totally agree. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Mandy96 said:

I guess if he thought his family was so important he wouldn’t have risked it by cheating in the first place.

The only one he has chosen over me is himself 

 

No he chose sex offered on a silver platter than to remain faithful to his wife.  Flirting and banter are not considered cheating in most circles.

[mark clemson]

He's choosing it now OP. But you're of course entitled to your opinion and yes, he took a foolish risk.

[Mandy96]

30 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

He's choosing it now OP. But you're of course entitled to your opinion and yes, he took a foolish risk.

I need to find a guy that loves and cares about me the way this guy cares and loves himself. 
 

I need to pick me the way this guy picks himself. 
 

That’s what I’ve learned here. 

[salparadise]

7 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

Plus the fact that he actually cheated told me he wasn’t extremely happy in his marriage. I guess he isn’t happy but isn’t unhappy enough to leave.

Mandy, you have a bunch of beliefs that simply aren't true, and you're frustrated and angry that you didn't get what you wanted. You need to quit villainizing him and accept reality, despite the fact that you feel you were shortchanged. This mess is entirely of your own making. Quit the scorched earth retribution act. 

Here is the deal... you had a teenage crush that you never got over for a guy who wasn't interested. Most people move on and find someone else. You sensed a crack in his armor and decided to drive a wedge in it. In your mind, if you managed to sex him he'd be eternally yours. This is an extremely oversimplified and inaccurate notion. Firstly, any woman could get schtuped three times an hour all day long in a Walmart parking lot if she's giving free nookie and has a late model car. Throughout time, the woman's challenge has not been to get laid (that's the man's), it's to dangle the potential and keep the top guy interested while she works her wiles and gets him entranced. Furthermore, if it's easy-peasy there will be no entranced. He will take what's offered, say thank you ma'am and be on his merry way. Men have three (3) distinctly separate standards...  good enough for sex, good enough to date, and good enough for a relationship/marriage. Just because a man is willing to have sex does not mean he's down for more, much less tp leave his wife and children. You have to play the feminine game and establish his investment first –– this is page 2 of the female playbook. Even this explanation is an oversimplification. 

You'll notice that I didn't mention a word about him being married or a liar or cheater or scumbag. That's because it's pretty much irrelevant from your perspective, other than the fact that the end game you hoped for is even more challenging than for a singe guy. It's very short-sighted of you to blab to mutual friends about this little episode. The chance that they'll sympathize with you and villainize him is scant. The best advice I can give you is to accept that he's simply not interested and move on, despite the fact that you managed to sex him. If you try and explode his family because you feel disrespected, it will be as much a disaster for you as for him. 

Edited December 19, 2020 by salparadise

[Mandy96]

9 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Mandy, you have a bunch of beliefs that simply aren't true, and you're frustrated and angry that you didn't get what you wanted. You need to quit villainizing him and accept reality, despite the fact that you feel you were shortchanged. This mess is entirely of your own making. Quite doing the scorched earth retribution act. 

Here is the deal... you had a teenage crush that you never let go of for a guy who wasn't interested. You sensed a crack in his armor and decided to drive a wedge in it. In your mind, if you managed to sex him he'd be eternally yours. This is an extremely oversimplified and inaccurate notion. Firstly, any woman could get schtuped three times every hour in a Walmart parking lot if she's handing out free nookie and has a late model car. Throughout time, the woman's challenge has not been to get laid (that's the man's), it's to dangle the potential and keep a top guy interested while she works her wiles and gets him entranced. Furthermore, if it's easy-peasy there will be no entranced. He will take what's offered, say thank you ma'am and be on his merry way. Men have three (3) separate standards...  good enough for sex, good enough to date, and good enough for a relationship/marriage. Just because a man is willing to have sex does not mean he's down for more, much less leaving his wife and children. You have to play the game and establish the investment first –– this is on page 2 of the female playbook. Even this explanation is an oversimplification. 

You'll notice that I didn't mention a word about him being married or a liar or cheater or scumbag. That's because it's pretty much irrelevant from your perspective, other than the fact that the end game you hoped for is more challenging than for a singe guy. It's very short-sighted of you to tell mutual friends about this little episode. The chance that they'll sympathize with you and villainize him is scant. The best advice I can give you is to accept that he's simply not interested and move on, despite the fact that you managed to sex him. If you try and explode this family because you feel duped, it will be as much a disaster for you as for him. 

So if his wife was good enough to date and marry why is she not good enough to respect and be faithful to ? Is he offering her anything of real substance ?

Lets say a guy has sex with a woman who falls under the category of just good enough for sex, doesn’t that mean he is good enough for only sex too ? Since he is willing to dip his you know what into anything willing, this isn’t a guy that’s upstanding and marriage material. 
 

A man either respects a woman or he doesn’t, in his case he has no respect for his wife or anyone he messes with. 
 

And I can’t “explode” his family, his actions did that for him. I have NOTHING to gain AND nothing to lose by telling his wife, HE on the other hand is f-ed. He is looking at child support, alimony, and possibly losing the house, even with all that at stake he STILL chooses to cheat. If I choose to I can ruin him.

He has nothing to barter with. 

[stillafool]

37 minutes ago, Mandy96 said:

If I choose to I can ruin him.

How many women have sexed a MM and thought that by telling the wife his family would fall apart?  LOL, More than we can count just coming on this forum alone.  What typically happens when the bitter OW tells the wife is she is pissed  at first, the MM breaks his back to do any and everything to prove his love for her and they end up back together while he completely tosses the OW under the next bus running.  At that point they both turn on the OW.  So chances are if you do tell her the only one who will end up embarrassed, alone with a bad reputation (because the wife gets the sympathy) is the you.  Not to mention other women don't want you around because they know you are the type to have sex with married men.  The best thing to do is learn from this, keep your mouth shut, and move on with your life.  Afterall, you created this mess.

Edited December 19, 2020 by stillafool