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Why would his other in appropriate relationships with women be ok but not ours

Mandy96

By Mandy96
in The Other Man / Woman

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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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He was married, I pursued, he picked up what I was offering, we had sex twice, once in his car and one after work at my house (am not married) , groping, touching, conversations, flirting however were definitely involved for a few years prior to the two sexual encounters. It was a buildup basically, he hung out with mutual friends. I must admit though, he did not pursue sex with me, it was my idea and he went with it after a while, so it wasn’t his fault. But he did express to me that he cared for me, that he wished he had dated me first because he’d have never let go, that he can’t believe am single because am the “total package”. He would sit and listen to me vent about college, stress, work etc.  
 

At first he knew he was betraying his wife but in his mind because no actual sex occurred he was able to not really feel guilty over it. He’d be hot and cold with me though, and he would express that we needed to stop. Funny thing is he also had similar types of relationships with other women, I said those were all a form of cheating on his wife and he didn’t deny it, but says I touched him intimately and they were not that forward plus we slept together twice and he came to my house once
 

He one day just ups and leaves, says we can remain in touch but no more of what we had been doing and definitely no meeting out around the city, he stayed in touch and I stayed in touch but then I stopped and he has yet to call or text me in three months. Basically he ghosted me, like I never existed at all, our mutual friends are wondering why am not showing up if he is invited and vice versa, My birthday is today and he never texted or called to at least wish me happy birthday, it’s my 24th birthday.
 

It irks me that he keeps contact with other women he has similar relationships with, but not with me. Why not with me ? I guess those other women were flirty relationships with no sex ? I feel less important in his life than even his flirty female friends he has. 
 

Ive been in love with him since we were in high school together, since I was 14, that’s ten years of wanting him. He had always hung out with other people and had a girlfriend so the timing was never right and I just went through the motions and dated others as well. We ran into each other a few years ago and that’s when I pursued him, guess I got over my teenage girl shyness and went for it, he was married but stated they argued and things were a bit slippery, but they have a set of twins so he can’t just leave, plus he says she’s a good person and he can’t divorce her.

Anyways, am just bitter, I’ve got myself to blame but since we had sex and then he leaves, I can’t help but feel like a used up rag doll. It wasn’t his fault we slept together twice but still, I feel sadden. 
 

He came to my house the last time we saw each other and I could tell by looking at him that he had clocked out, that he couldn’t do it anymore, but then I see him being funny and open and flirty with other women who dance around him and smack his butt, does that not equal the same as our relationship that he supposedly felt so guilty about ? Why is one ok but not the other ? 

mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
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5 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

He came to my house the last time we saw each other and I could tell by looking at him that he had clocked out, that he couldn’t do it anymore, but then I see him being funny and open and flirty with other women who dance around him and smack his butt, does that not equal the same as our relationship that he supposedly felt so guilty about ? Why is one ok but not the other ? 

For some people flirting and actual intimacy/sex are VERY different things. Both may cross boundaries, but (for some) one crosses them A LOT farther than the other.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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You need to leave this clown 🤡 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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7 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

He was married, I pursued, he picked up what I was offering, we had sex twice, once in his car and one after work at my house.

Do you work together?

This is simple. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

It was just hookups. 

Pull yourself together and start talking to and meeting single decent men.

This jerk is not the solution to your loneliness.

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denwickdroylsden Member

denwickdroylsden

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Purely speculation on my part, but it could be he shuns you now (and not other women in flirts with) because he had sex with you. And for him, maybe that's a bridge too far. Maybe you represent to him the ultimate betrayal of his marriage (and the guilt he feels), and he doesn't want that reminder, so he shuns you. Whereas he continues the flirting etc.with others because, to him, that's not infidelity. Just my .02.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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14 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

It irks me that he keeps contact with other women he has similar relationships with, but not with me. Why not with me ?

My guess he no longer wants to encourage you.
He, for whatever reason, is done with you.

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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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The thing is, he does cross lines with other women too, he is extra friendly in a laidback sort of way. 
 

There was a time early this year before lockdown when it was him, me and two other friends of ours eating out, eventually to other two friends leave but then we are joined by a friend of his, as we sat there talking she takes off her shoes saying she was exhausted from running errands all morning and plops her legs on his lap, he casually stroked them as he was eating, the two were flirting and laughing together, I felt like a third wheel, then she gets up to leave and he gets up too to hug her before she goes. He sits back down like nothing happened and continues to casually eat, I asked him if he was interested in her and he goes “ she’s my friend Mandy, we are good friends” I said looked like they were more than that, he told me, “well I like her, we’ve got chemistry” then again says that they’ve never slept together or fondled each other’s private or met alone without a group of friends and that his wife knows her too and that they’ve gone out together with her partner and him and his wife, so no “funny business “

He can get THAT intimate and comfortable with other women but no longer with me because he feels “guilty” about it and “needs to work on his marriage” ? I just view it as very hypocritical of him. 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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1 minute ago, Mandy96 said:

He can get THAT intimate and comfortable with other women but no longer with me because he feels “guilty” about it and “needs to work on his marriage” ? I just view it as very hypocritical of him. 

Would you describe him as a womanizer?

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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Would you describe him as a womanizer?

He is the quiet type who has a large group of friends males and females, he cuts up in front of both but when we are one on one he gets quiet and subdued. He has bragged about the women in his past who were interested in him but most guys do the same so that means nothing. 
 

I do notice the women tend to be more forward with him than he is with them, but he goes with it perfectly fine, he also did not pursue me, but did not turn down my advances either, and eventually started reciprocating when he was comfortable with me. don’t know if this qualifies as a womanizer...

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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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So yesterday was my 24th birthday and he never once texted me or called me, yet I threw him a birthday party in February  and invited all our friends, he loved it had a good time. He could have at least said happy birthday to me. 
 

I spoke with a few of our mutual friends to let them know what happened between us because it’s been three months and we have both gone separate ways and I didn’t feel like lying to them since they had been asking why we stopped hanging out with the group together so this morning he actually texted me! Not to say happy belated birthday or anything, but to tell me why I had opened my mouth about us to others, he was furious. 
I told him I could have done worse, I could have told his wife what a POS she married but didn’t so he should be grateful and he says, “you were the one throwing yourself at me, I just gave in” making it seem like it was only me to blame when he is friendly with other women too... 

Am feeling nauseous from this whole thing. 

Edited by Mandy96
notbroken Established Member

notbroken

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Forget him.  He is a liar and a cheat.   He knew what he was doing was wrong.  It wasn't an 'accident'.  Don't pursue married men - regardless of the circumstances.  It won't be good for you or them.   You messed around with a married man and now have no right to be surprised he is not available (he's not - he's married).   There is a saying 'you reap what you sow'.   You 'sowed' (planted) flirting with an unavailable man, infidelity,  and sex with a married man.    You reaped (harvested) a distant person who dumped you.   No way that could have resulted in a steady, loving, and trustful partner.   No surprises there.   In the future, only invest time and effort into available and trustworthy men if you want good relationships.    

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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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8 minutes ago, notbroken said:

Forget him.  He is a liar and a cheat.   He knew what he was doing was wrong.  It wasn't an 'accident'.  Don't pursue married men - regardless of the circumstances.  It won't be good for you or them.   You messed around with a married man and now have no right to be surprised he is not available (he's not - he's married).   There is a saying 'you reap what you sow'.   You 'sowed' (planted) flirting with an unavailable man, infidelity,  and sex with a married man.    You reaped (harvested) a distant person who dumped you.   No way that could have resulted in a steady, loving, and trustful partner.   No surprises there.   In the future, only invest time and effort into available and trustworthy men if you want good relationships.    

True. I couldn’t expect good treatment from a guy willing to lie and cheat on his wife. 
 

I was wanting more too, for him to be honest with her and leave since he didn’t care about her enough to be faithful and he said nope, that was his family, so I ask then why are you betraying them so easily with me if you claim you care so much ? He had no answer but said we couldn’t continue which he had said from time to time before. 
 

He was more scared of getting caught than he was actually distraught he cheated and lied.

He was my high school crush that turned to love, guess my prince was no ones prince, just a slimy fat toad.

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HiCrunchy Established Member

HiCrunchy

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33 minutes ago, Mandy96 said:

So yesterday was my 24th birthday and he never once texted me or called me, yet I threw him a birthday party in February  and invited all our friends, he loved it had a good time. He could have at least said happy birthday to me. 
 

I spoke with a few of our mutual friends to let them know what happened between us because it’s been three months and we have both gone separate ways and I didn’t feel like lying to them since they had been asking why we stopped hanging out with the group together so this morning he actually texted me! Not to say happy belated birthday or anything, but to tell me why I had opened my mouth about us to others, he was furious. 
I told him I could have done worse, I could have told his wife what a POS she married but didn’t so he should be grateful and he says, “you were the one throwing yourself at me, I just gave in” making it seem like it was only me to blame when he is friendly with other women too... 

Am feeling nauseous from this whole thing. 

Lol he just mad. 🤡 Let him be mad. 

LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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You’re so young. And inexperienced. Married men don’t leave their wives. Maybe 1% will. They have their fun and be done. Unfortunately for you, you were the fun. 
 

he’s feeling threatened because now he’s worried about the fallout from your affair.  He WILL throw you under the bus. I know you feel like you had that “connection” and he was unhappy in his marriage, and you guys would work out, but it doesn’t work like that. 
 

The beat thing you can do now is to pull yourself up, brush yourself off and move on. Accept your responsibility and learn from your mistakes. Don’t mess with married men. Ever. Now you’re free to find someone single who you can firm a connection with. 

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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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Just talked to one of our mutual friends, she’s saying he told her am trying to ruin his marriage because he turned me down and that I sought out to sabotage him. He was only a friend to me and nothing more happened but am out to ruin his “reputation” he told her.

What a load of baloney this bloke. Now ALL our many mutual friends will be left to pick sides because he can’t be honest about what a sleaze ball he is. 
 

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You are blaming him & mixing up apples & oranges.  

You & him had SEX.  He was married.  That makes him an adulterer. You pursued.  You were the aggressor.  He's at fault in the context of his marriage because he didn't tell you no, but you have been the aggressor from the beginning. 

The sex is why he wants nothing to do with you.  Flirting with other women but not having sex with them does not put them on par with you.  There is no equivalence here.  

He is staying away from you because you aren't taking no for an answer.  You are a threat to his marriage.  If he wife finds out about his unfaithfulness she may forgive him if he stops interaction with you.  Your insistence that he continue to hang out with you & your upset because he didn't wish you happy birthday prove that you simply refused to accept that he picked his wife over you.   

By blabbing to others he now has to deal with his wife knowing.  It was easier to sweep under the rug before you showed him to be a cheater.  He's a bad guy -- he lied & broke his vows but you need to own your role in this mess too.  Ratting him out to his wife won't help.  He's certainly not going to rush into your arms when she kicks him out.  He'll hate you.  

Edited by d0nnivain
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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are blaming him & mixing up apples & oranges.  

You & him had SEX.  He was married.  That makes him an adulterer. You pursued.  You were the aggressor.  He's at fault in the context of his marriage because he didn't tell you no, but you have been the aggressor from the beginning. 

The sex is why he wants nothing to do with you.  Flirting with other women but not having sex with them does not put them on par with you.  There is no equivalence here.  

He is staying away from you because you aren't taking no for an answer.  You are a threat to his marriage.  If he wife finds out about his unfaithfulness she may forgive him if he stops interaction with you.  Your insistence that he continue to hang out with you & your upset because he didn't wish you happy birthday prove that you simply refused to accept that he picked his wife over you.   

By blabbing to others he now has to deal with his wife knowing.  It was easier to sweep under the rug before you showed him to be a cheater.  He's a bad guy -- he lied & broke his vows but you need to own your role in this mess too.  Ratting him out to his wife won't help.  He's certainly not going to rush into your arms when she kicks him out.  He'll hate you.  

I might have been the aggressor but I didn’t tell him at gun point to come to my house for sex or forced him to have sex in the car or to meet me anywhere, he loved touching me intimately too, he went willingly, he didn’t seem to have his wife in mind during any of that, now all of a sudden he is scared to get caught cheating. 
 

I have nothing to hide, if his wife confronts me I’ll tell her anything and everything she wants to hear about, if he didn’t want to get caught he shouldn’t have cheated.

Also, it’s very telling about him that he didn’t care about the actual sex, he only cares she’ll find out about the sex. 
 

What respect and love does he have for anyone ? 
 

 

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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8 minutes ago, Mandy96 said:

What respect and love does he have for anyone ? 

Not much so just be happy he's not a part of your life any more.  Leave him be & never think about him or his wife again.  

If people ask you about him, tell them to ask him.  

Be done. 

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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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9 minutes ago, Mandy96 said:

I might have been the aggressor but I didn’t tell him at gun point to come to my house for sex or forced him to have sex in the car or to meet me anywhere, he loved touching me intimately too, he went willingly, he didn’t seem to have his wife in mind during any of that, now all of a sudden he is scared to get caught cheating. 
 

I have nothing to hide, if his wife confronts me I’ll tell her anything and everything she wants to hear about, if he didn’t want to get caught he shouldn’t have cheated.

Also, it’s very telling about him that he didn’t care about the actual sex, he only cares she’ll find out about the sex. 
 

What respect and love does he have for anyone ? 
 

 

That’s the thing. Cheaters are selfish. And liars. But I don’t see you taking any responsibility for your part in this mess. We’re you under the assumption he was going to leave his wife? Because if he told you that, he LIED. 

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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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8 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

That’s the thing. Cheaters are selfish. And liars. But I don’t see you taking any responsibility for your part in this mess. We’re you under the assumption he was going to leave his wife? Because if he told you that, he LIED. 

I was under the impression he felt trapped and stuck because of his children. He would talk about how nothing he did for her she appreciated or cared to even say a thank you. 
Plus the fact that he actually cheated told me he wasn’t extremely happy in his marriage.

I guess he isn’t happy but isn’t unhappy enough to leave. 🤷‍♀️
 

No need to lie to our friends about his crappy behavior though. Guess he is trying to cover his tracks and minimize damage for himself not for his wife’s sake, but for his own sake. 

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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3 hours ago, Mandy96 said:

 

He can get THAT intimate and comfortable with other women but no longer with me because he feels “guilty” about it and “needs to work on his marriage” ? I just view it as very hypocritical of him. 

This is because he has a flirty, banter relationship with other attractive women who don't take him seriously.  He knows you are in love with him and has been since you guys were in HS.  He wasn't interested then, is not now but his ego didn't pass up free sex that was thrown at him.  He's now ashamed of himself and wants nothing more to do with you.  I'm sure deep inside he's sorry that he took you up on your offer in the first place.  He feels like dirt for cheating on his wife.  I just hope you learned from this situation OP.  You can't make someone love or want you who doesn't.

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Mandy96 Member

Mandy96

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16 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

That’s the thing. Cheaters are selfish. And liars. But I don’t see you taking any responsibility for your part in this mess. We’re you under the assumption he was going to leave his wife? Because if he told you that, he LIED. 

Also, I have taken responsibility, I’ve been honest, am honest about not being a great person, he is a liar, manipulative, cheater, selfish AND not a good person. 
 

The difference between us is I don’t pretend to be someone am not, am comfortable with myself 

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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2 minutes ago, Mandy96 said:

He would talk about how nothing he did for her she appreciated or cared to even say a thank you. 
Plus the fact that he actually cheated told me he wasn’t extremely happy in his marriage.

This is just normal marriage stuff.  All couples go through periods of not feeling appreciated but then they make up.  Marriage has seasons.  He was seduced into bed by you at a weak moment and now he feels like crap about it.  Just leave him alone.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Caring for twins is no walk in  park,  I guess she was rather busy...

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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Caring for twins is no walk in  park,  I guess she was rather busy...

Can confirm. I’ve twins. It is all work and no okay lol. The wife probably feels under appreciated as well. Op, I hope you never involve yourself in someone else’s relationship again. Take it as a hard lesson learned. 

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