Please help my decipher my girlfriend's hidden messages..

[ICS]

Alot of life itself is contradictrary, and true, I agree that to analyze ourselves-a part of nature, we must go back to the more emotionally-determinate world, away from the absolute truth science tells us.

 

IF{A}

THEN{B}

 

Probably cannot help us analyze and understand a much bigger scope of life outside the parameters of IF and THEN, and I agree with you on that as well.

 

Even science, which can adequately describe our world, cannot account for many anomalies which occur day to day, but it's the most "rational" model of the world that we have.

 

 

I like to make sense of nature and relate it in a way to my life. The one analogy that I have looked at recently pertains to branches on a tree with regards to my relationship with my girlfriend.

 

 

There is a certain distance that separates what we find on two ends of a branch. However, the two ends of the branch must be connected for the branch to exist, else we will have empty space. Tree branches are generally strong, but as the physical distance between the two ends increase, one end of the branch is likely to breakoff.

 

Here I associate the two ends of the branch as the two people in a relationship. Separated, yet connected. The empty space mentioned will result if no relationship exists, but since a relationship does exist, the two ends of the branch will have to be of a certain length. The length of the branch can be thought of as the physical or emotional distance between the two people. However, there is a contradiction. For the relationship to be without any physical or emotional distance, the branch will not exist. But perhaps this is not a contradiction at all. We can note that no idealism exists in life, and so it is impossible for the physical or emotional distance of two people to be non-existent. Also, it is a required condition for the relationship to exist, since otherwise the branch will be nothingness.

 

I am likely missing a few points in the analogy, but tell me what you think of my analogy to nature.

[augur]

I am happy you see the limits of the theory that I have

set forth and figured that you would. The Branch analogy

that you utilized was right on track.

 

I have to go out for a bit, but let us try and look at things

from a more multi-layered POV.

 

As opposed to branches, look at the points of the branches

as spheres in orbit around a central sphere. The central

would represent the relationship and the 2 orbiting bodies

would represent yourself and your SO.

 

Your thoughts, please, and then we shall continue from

there.

[bigAL]

hey man;

 

your girl could have been my ex. you can "dr. phil it" for eternity, and i am not knocking it if it helps you, but if she is a depressive, this is your life. she will be up and down, close and distant, mainly put herself and her feelings first and totally blow you off. you can give her the friggin eiffel tower and it wont be high enough.

 

so you have to do things for yourself and become a little selfish. i am like you , a problem solver and if you give me a dollar i will give you two in return. i help others at my own detriment sometimes, and expect little in return and most of the time get just that. but in a relationship, if you give all the time, that begins to get old after awhile. you deserve better, and you need to think about this before you dive in. you may love her, but you deserve a life too. being her doormat is not a life.

 

over time you will end up feeling used, and you cannot fix her no matter what you do. it doesnt matter what her low self esteem is, or what is causing it, etc. its the reality of the situation that you have to live with. read depressionfallout site, where the victims of a depressive gather to discuss their plights. search the post on "if i knew now what i didnt know then", none of them would have ever married a known depressive. . its tough, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others, and only a fool feels that his plight will be different next time. besides, their are plenty of healthy people out their, and you need to play the field a little. later and good luck.

[ICS]

The analogy of the spheres makes sense to me too, because as much as we are unique individuals in the world, everything we do is affected by what goes on around us. Which also brings up another point: No matter how close we become with our SO, we still have to live distinct-and neccessarily separate lives to an extent. I see that this analogy highlights the importance of self very well too, once again going back to your post earlier with the quote.

 

BigAL's comments struck a chord with me a little. It's nice to know that there are many people out there going through the same problems as us, but like BigAL said, there will always be problems.. I do not know what it means to sort through these problems with my SO right now, but I hope that my efforts are not in vain. When I say I love her, I really do, but it is just as important that all the time and energy I put in has its own rewards too. I have absolutely no doubts that she loves me as well, but her own emotional instability is as unpredictable as tomorrow itself, and yes sometimes I could get tired of "riding the waves".

 

Augur, can you give me some insight to my above paragraphs?

If you don't mind, I would love to know more about your relationship and what you have gone through in the years past. Do you have plans to marry your SO in the future? What are some dominant thoughts on your mind for your relationship with your girlfriend?

[augur]

Augur, can you give me some insight to my above paragraphs?

 

Again, I have to state – hope, expect, seek.

 

I have always tried to keep in mind that at this point

in your life you seem intent in pursuing your current

relationship. It comes down to a path that you have

decide to take. I would love to say “yes, it will” or

“no, it will not” but results seem to resides in the realm

of the “unknowable and where “perhaps” comes from.

 

As the results belong to the unknown, focusing upon

ones self in regards to action, reaction and so forth

become extremely important. The reason that I see

this comes down comes down to the unknowable

principle.

[augur]

I am not ignoring the rest of your questions, ICS,

it will just take me some time to put my thoughts in

order. No plans in regards to marriage. We have both

been there and done that and along with no desire for

children, we are of one mind of both of those areas J.

 

Feel free to comment before I get back to your other

requests for my comments.

[ICS]

I have found that the best indicators of my interest in mainting my current relationship comes to me when my girlfriend and I argue. During the arguments, I may resent her, and think that perhaps I may never talk to her again. But it is what happens near the end of those arguments that surprise me. I am talking about how I can forgive and forget so easily, without her trying to repair the problem either. I realized that when I am upset, any reminder of her better side will make me "forgive" her and stop the arguments. One prominent example throught the years involves me flipping through pictures of us. When I look at her in those pictures.. the way she smiles and the way her eyes glitter with joy, I can be quite sure that she indeed loves me. Her issues can push me very far away sometimes, but I know I love her too. I see two sides of her: 1) Her true self, 2) Her true self with all the problems that drive us apart. I want to think of her problems as an extension of her, but I know that they are instead a part of her.. that without her problems, it would not be her.

 

At the onset of her symptoms when I first met her, I initially believed that her reaction was a result of my poor handling of the relationship, which I don't think is true anymore. I used to blame myself for whenever she becomes angry or upset- that didnt work, and it was rarely the case too.

 

There is, however, an observation that I made over the years. She appears to value her friends alot and would literally do anything for them. On top of that, I sometimes become jealous when she treats her friends better than me. Whatever it is, I sense that she is almost always happy with them, and I am glad that there are people like her friends who can make her life brighter, but what about me? I do not know much about the situation, but I believe that part of it comes from the fact that her friendship with them have none of the obligations of a relationship.

[ICS]

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep and was literally in bed, wide-awake for two hours. I haven't spoken to her all day because I was busy preparing for my final midterm exam. We text-messaged each other for a bit but that was it. For the whole day I thought about her alot. I guess I was partially anticipating my phone to ring, and hoping that it was her calling.

 

When we first started out I used to analyze all the details of our relationship to the core. It helped in some ways, but mostly it led to lots of headaches and pain. So, over the years, I have backed off in over-analyzing situations, but there are always a few that stand out alot and won't ever leave me.

 

During those times when we sleep together, she always hides herself underneath blankets. I sense that she is uncomfortable with me seeing her body, I do not know why, yet she is comfortable with us sleeping with each other. In the beginning I did not mind, because I told myself to give her time, but sometimes when I think about it, it bothers me. Maybe it is associated with her reluctance to open up with me emotionally as well. She told me she would try to stop hiding herself, but still nothing has resulted from it.

 

I ponder the question: How much can people change over time?

I also ponder the question: Is it possile for people to change significantly over time?

 

I think you know what I am getting at, and when I asked those questions, I felt selfish, but in helpless times I only wish that she could be more manageable and less distant. Which brings up the question: Shouldn't she also want the same? If she loves me as much as I love her?

 

As time passes, we may potentially go through various stages of our relationship.. and I might finally move in to live with her- that is what I am afraid of sometimes. I am frigthened that by being closer with her we might eventually grow tired of each other, and I have passed up on the chance to live with her now because of that, and also because of my parents too.

 

A million questions leading to a million more reside in my brain tonight..

Confusion that might lead to destruction..

[augur]

Hey ICS.

 

Ok, again, disclaimer – I am unsure in regards to

the health of my relationship with my SO. I see

the two of us as “all to human” with a multitude

of traits have “positive” and “negative” aspects.

 

I tend to think of myself as a “realist”.

 

I understand and in many ways agree with folks

that say “Run away, run away!” in regards to what

I often seem to put myself through. But when I

balance the ledger of my relationship, I can honestly

say that on a whole, I don’t see things as in the red.

 

This said, I do not delude myself with thoughts of

things ever being perfect. I seek balance, I seek the

central theme. A summation of what I have found

for myself comes down to the observation that I am

the only thing that I have even the slightest ability to

control in this universe.

 

In this, comes selfishness. I have to look after myself

in all situations, no one else will or can do this for me.

I have to take responsibly for MY actions, no one else

will or can do this for me. A Self-centered stance allows

me to help influence others in positive ways. A Selfless

stance does not, nor from my point of view can.

 

with me so far?

[ICS]

Yep, definitely.

 

If only we could pick out our "soulmates" from the world out there, then it wouldn't be so hard. Of course life isn't as perfect as that. Heck, my parents even tell me that my palm doesn't read very well when it comes to my love life. According to them, it's disconnected and I am likely to go through alot of unneccessary hurt. But what do they know? What does the world know? And most of all, what do we know?

[augur]

ahh - some good advise was once given to me - "if you

ever meet your soulmate, run like hel!" .

[augur]

I always found it interesting, my favorite book in the

Judeo-Christian mythos would be Ecclesiastes and you

pretty much summed it up with the statment "What does

the world know? And most of all, what do we know?"

[ICS]

Haha, women, we love them we hate them. Life is just full of compromises huh? You leave them alone for a minute, and you probably shouldn't be surprised if they are gone the next. Then, when you try to give it your all, they turn your back on you.

[augur]

yes, no maybe

 

If one loses all hope, that tends to upset the balance.

[ICS]

Augur what do you do for a living? Your interests seem to encompass a wide area. I find that there is alot that I am good at, but when it comes down to deeply immersing myself in it, I snap and right now I am still stuck at that stage of life... struggling to find out what I want to do with my life.

[augur]

At the moment, freelance design, some programming and

DB work. Also working with my SO in regards to her

starting her biz so alot of Excel as well as writing.

 

My school was Philosophy/English, and my interests are

all over the board. Took me longer to actually get out

of school since I kept changing things around and was

known to take classes that I wanted to take that had

nothing to do with my majors. Took me longer as

well since I initially was in cemetery with a thing for

Theology right out of high school– once I got kicked

out of my church, well – took another path

[ICS]

What a long and winding road. But looking back at it, I think it must make you feel very happy that you have had the choice and chosen what interests you most? I have switched majors once thus far.. and frankly I still have no idea of what I want to do, which is also worsened by my incapabilities in engineering..

 

I have switched from one engineering to another.. from electrical to mechanical. But still I am doubtful and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. My interests are too broad, and I am good at most of them, but for me to focus my life on ONE area.. that's too much to ask of me.

 

From machines to arts to literature, there is always something I like. I feel the sky falling on me...

 

To put it simply.. my love life and school life are both not looking too good at the moment.

[augur]

I actually switched majors (thinking) 3 times at least...

 

Funny thing - Computers where always just there for me,

heck, I have been online in some form or another since the

80's, but in school it was always a means to an end. Then

a large part of my life in regards to making a living.

 

A Prof once told me the 3 most important statements for me

to memorize in regards to my major.

 

"Fiction is back, and to the left"

"Would you like frys with that"

"Class, please, settle down"

 

I am thankfull I always had biz, computer, and a good personality

in dealing with people as a backup.

[JAgamer]

I have much in common with both of you, which makes this thread very interesting. I'd love to join the chat too, but I have little experience, because I am only 17 and have only had my girlfriend for 4 months (compared to 12 years, wasn't it?)

 

Feel free to ignore this post; I'm just full of interest with this thread...

[ICS]

I have much in common with both of you, which makes this thread very interesting. I'd love to join the chat too, but I have little experience, because I am only 17 and have only had my girlfriend for 4 months (compared to 12 years, wasn't it?)

 

Feel free to ignore this post; I'm just full of interest with this thread...

 

I don't think Augur will mind, feel free to join in. After all, it won't hurt to have more ideas from various point of views.

[ICS]

I actually switched majors (thinking) 3 times at least...

 

Funny thing - Computers where always just there for me,

heck, I have been online in some form or another since the

80's, but in school it was always a means to an end. Then

a large part of my life in regards to making a living.

 

A Prof once told me the 3 most important statements for me

to memorize in regards to my major.

 

"Fiction is back, and to the left"

"Would you like frys with that"

"Class, please, settle down"

 

I am thankfull I always had biz, computer, and a good personality

in dealing with people as a backup.

 

 

I think the good personality always helps. But you were with your SO throughout your years of university, correct? Did your relationship with her pull you back from school at all?

[augur]

Actually, no – I actually got together with my current

SO after I was completed with school, but another

relationship did get in the way from time to time, and

things took longer because of it.

[ICS]

But you are with your current girl for 12 years now? I can't even begin to imagine all the obstacles you got through along the way...

 

Last night I did something very irrational and out of the blue. I do not quite understand the source of my anger, but here is what led up to the argument:

 

On friday night we did not have the chance to talk. I called her at night but she did not answer. So, on Saturday morning, I text-messaged her and called her too, but there was no reply yet again. I was beginning to worry that something had happened to her. Then in the afternoon at around 5pm, she text messaged me and basically said Hi. I called her right after I got her message but there was no answer even after 5 phone calls. An hour later she calls back and tells me she is busy. I understand that she may be busy, but at least she could have picked up the phone and let me know that beforehand. She said there was nothing to worry about after I told her I was worried about her. From then till 11pm last night, I had many thoughts runninng through my mind, with alot of them being negative and from back when we started. I began to recall more and more times of how miserable I felt. When she finally went home, she went online and talked to me but did not call me. Anyway, we did talk on the phone later because I told her it would be easier to talk. Not long after our conversation started I found myself getting very angry at her and wanted to talk to her about our problems. Like always, she refuses to talk to me about problems and calls it complaining. She then went and hung up on me. I called her back- but same outcome again. Finally I went to sleep.

 

This morning I was still upset at her (partially because she hung up on me again.. quite a boost for self esteem). I text messaged her and told her that I'll keep my feelings bottled up from now on because that was what she wanted. Then a few hours later I wrote her another message telling her that it wasn't her fault and that I was just angry at other things, mostly because I was losing my patience with her being emotionally distant from me. I also told her that repressing certain feelings made me feel unstable. Now, guess what her response was? She told me that it was not repression, and that I see only my problems. She says she sees her problems too, but she doens't hound at me about them. Then she left off with: "It's not repression, you are just crude".

 

What do I make of it? I would much rather lay our feelings out on a table and get through them than to sit around on them until someone gets hurt or worse. Also, I think I am starting to act strange..I would not usually get mad at her like that.. I find it hard to concentrate on myself sometimes and seeking that balance.

[ICS]

The last week hasn't been good, and today I finally broke up with her. I could not get through to her, as much as I wanted to resolve our differences, she did not want to discuss our problems and told me that she is unwilling to change herself for me. I was surprised when she told me that she knew that it was probably because of her that we're not getting along very well.

 

I hope augur still frequents these forums, would love to hear your response.