Please help my decipher my girlfriend's hidden messages..

[ICS]

To make a long story short, I got back together with my girlfriend of almost 3 years a few weeks ago. The first few weeks of getting back together, things were great, and I really felt that there was much more to her than I had previously known. A little further down the road, she began to see me less. Durng those times, she had caught a cold and had a fever, so I wanted to visit, but she didnt want me to get sick, so fair enough, I did not go. She also told me that she wanted to have some time to herself, as she just moved in with a roomate at a new place, and hasn't settled down completely yet. As much as she has been busy with her life, I have been wanting to see her, but everytime I get a refusal from her. She tells me there is nothing to worry about, yet she is just like her old self and does not like confrontation- especially when it comes to talking about her feelings. I don't know if I am expecting too much, but I really think it's not so much to ask to have a girlfriend who can share more of her life with me without hesitating and holding back.. after 3 years no less. She always tells me that she will- eventually, but it hasnt truly happened yet. We argued, but then I didnt want the situation to get worse, so I offered to make up. Looking at the big picture, I believe that she can be extremely caring but also extremely distant, and I do not understand why her behaviour can vary so much from time to time. I want to tell myself that maybe I should have more faith- that maybe i should seek what is deeper -that perhaps in her heart her feelings for me are still pure and unchanged, yet she does not require the conversations or physical communication that I desire. Is that possible? Am I over-thinking? She's very unpredictable. Troubled and feeling self-destrutive sometimes..

[johan]

If your best friend was with a girl like that, what would you tell him?

[ICS]

I wouldnt know what advice to give him because I cannot be sure if his words were a product of being deeply influenced by his emotions and over-representative or the truth. I tried to be as fair and unbiased in my description as possible, but there is that chance that I said something that wasn't exactly accurate. I am so confused I wish someone could offer advice from a spectator's point of view.

[ICS]

Can anyone give me some advice?

I am beginning to think that my problems are too multi-faceted and too difficult to analyze...

[crazy_grl]

Well... I'm not entirely clear on what you see your problem as, but I think your main problems are that she doesn't see you enough and that she's sometimes caring but sometimes distant with you.

 

She promised you that things will change in the future, so you need to decide if you can wait for them to change. If you can't, sit down and have a talk with her. Explain that your relationship as it currently is is not fulfilling for you. If she's not willing to compromise, then you need to make the choice of whether to continue putting up with her behavior in the hopes that it will change at some undetermined point or to move on.

[Sevenmack]

Sounds like the girl's got other plans -- or men -- going on. Or she's using you to pass the time until she finds some real dick a.k.a someone she really likes. I'd ask her whether she's fooling around or not and give her a chance to fess up. If so, then dump her. If she says she's not seeing other people, then tell her that you need a real relationship. If she doesn't deliver, then dump her.

[westernxer]

Why did you split up the first time?

 

(By the way, you should ditch her.)

[ICS]

We split up the first time because I had a difficult time dealing with her. It was a few months ago and she was on anti-depressants. What did I mean when I said she was difficult? Well, there are times when we got together just so I can drop her back home in 15 mins, because she would say things like: "I don't want to be here right now, take me home.", despite my efforts to make her happy. Another time we got together, I wrote her a card. Needless to say she wasn't very easy to deal with that night, and she told me that the card was stupid and threw it in the back of my car. The night ended with me taking her home and me destroying the card. Heavy stuff. When we got back together she admitted to being a little messed up, and while I was over at her place, she showed me all the letters I had written her, and told me that she was reading through them and misses me alot. That night I really felt she had turned over a new leaf, and we got closer again, and got back together without too much discussion.

 

Like I said earlier, for the last week or so, she has been denying my offers to visit her, and we also haven't talked much during that time. But last night I went to visit her, and at first I was ticked off because she had agreed to see me the night before, but then at the last minute told me she couldn't make it cuz she was busy. Anyhow, I guess she felt bad, and finally we got together. I wasn't feeling very happy, especially since I was tagging along with her and her roomate for a few hours -until I told her that I wanted to spend time with her and not be dragged around a mall. We went back to her place and she became upset- i didn't know what the reason was. Not long after she told me she wasn't happy with me, that she felt like I was pressuring her to see me when she is busy. She also said that it wont fit our lifestyles for us to see each other alot, and that things wont get closer from here, like I wanted. Granted, she has a full-time job, and when she goes back home she spends time with her roomate. I wouldn't care much if her roomate was a girl, but in this case it happens to be a guy (who says he is gay) I guess I can feel very left out sometimes when I see her talking happily with her friend while I am there. But I don't know what to say either, because it isn't completely downhill. She seems to care about me alot (at least when I see her). However, one thing is for sure.. and that is- she doesnt require the physical distance that I desire in a relationship. I believe that she does care about me, but I get upset because I want to know that she is physically there for me... yet she isn't too affected by that as much as it affects me.

[augur]

Difficult situation.

 

Ok - I am assuming that she has been diagnosed as depressed,

Is that assumption correct?

 

Is she still on the anti-depressants and is she currently seeing

a therapist?

 

How old is she and how old are you (if you are uncomfortable with

Specifics, just say something like you are both in your twenties and

she is 2 years younger then you ?

[ICS]

She went to three psychiatrists and they all diagnosed her as depressed. One of her psychiatrists strongly suggested her to take pills, the other two do not believe in medication as much.. Throughout the past few months, she switched at least 6 psychiatrists because she was uncomfortable with them, and the pills that she took- she decided to stop taking them. I don't believe it's the wisest decision, but I can't say much to her about it because she won't listen. Heck, she even has trouble opening up to me about her feelings.

 

We're both in our twenties, she has been done high school for a few years now... she took some time off and then went to university, failed her first year, and now has little idea of what she wants to do. In the meantime, she is working full-time and living with her friend (one of her two best friends, except this one is a guy). To make matters more complicated, the underlying reason for her to live away from her parents is because they are "kicking her out of the house" (her parents are paying for her rent, but they dont want to have her around anymore). She is a year younger than me.

[augur]

I am in a very long-term relationship with a woman who has been

diagnosed for being depressed as well, so I hear what you are saying.

Several issues that you have brought up I could bring up in regards to

my relationship as well.

 

That said, where I am coming from is different due to age (she is in her early

40's and I am in my late 30's) and length of relationship (we have been

together for 12 years). So please keep that in mind.

 

Ok, my next questions.

Why do you Love her?

Why do you want to be with her?

[ICS]

I love her because I feel happy just being with her and spending time with her, because I know she is a beautiful person. She tells me that I am too sensitive to her words, but I know that is because I care about her alot, and it hurts to hear that maybe I am inadequate sometimes, and at other times it hurts to hear the things she says about me. We broke up more than 5 times in the last 3 years, and 4 of those 5 times it was her decision. I always felt so dissapointed after the breakups, but I always forgive her and get back together with her when she wants the relationship again. That one time that I broke up with her, I felt completely helpless, I felt scared because suddenly there are so many sides of her that can be so unpredictable, and also because she could never open up to me. But I caved, I couldnt help it when I took the first serious time-off from the relationship. I spent two weeks without saying anything to her, and I the longer I went without seeing her or talking to her, the more I began to think how foolish I was. It made me feel so happy when she called me up and talked to me, if even just about casual things, and I think it was then that I knew this girl was different.

 

By the way, I am curious about your 12 year long relationship, I cannot begin to understand how relationships can last so long. Are there alot of problems with the girl you are seeing? Are they similar to the problems I am having? I really want to hear that the problems get better over time.

[augur]

In answer to you questions to me,

 

In a nutshell – there is up time and there is downtime. Some problems

Have disappeared over time, others are still there, and still others have

developed. All people are different in some form or another, as are all

relationships. The same can be said in regards to similarities.

 

Where I see your situation being like mine is what seems to be your

personality. For myself, I tend to be a fixer and a very self sacrificial

one at that. This is in part, I believe, to my upbringing of putting others

before myself, and the determent to this is that I tend to lose myself

(slight co-dependency I suppose which can be contributed to the

imprinting I received from religion of my youth).

 

There is more, but I have another question for you first – how would you

describe you overall self-esteem (not just in regards to her)?

[ICS]

I can have high esteem, especially when I am happy with things in my life. I find that, however, my self esteem can sink pretty low sometimes. I do admit that I am a sensitive person and I believe that makes my self esteem fluctuate easily too. I always like to try and talk to her about problems between us, but alot of the time she ends the conversation by hanging up on the phone or telling me that she'll talk another night (which rarely happens). It is during times like that when I can have a very low esteem.. sometimes staying up all night thinking about her and wishing that we could take the relationship further. All in all, it's that feeling of being inadequate, and wishing that things could have turned out better. I find it very impactful on my self-esteem when she hangs up on me or does something spontaneous. You told me that you are the fixer type and like to make others happy at the expense of your happiness - I think I am exactly the same in that regard.

[augur]

Got it.

 

Ok, keep in mind, the advice given to you here in regards to moving

on may or may not be good for you. That is a decision that only you

can make. I wish I could say one way or another this relationship will

or will not work out but no one can know that for sure.

 

That said, I think I am seeing a pattern here.

 

Something that I find myself continually having to remind myself is that

I am no good to anyone if I don’t have a strong sense of self. That being

“Selfish” is not always a bad thing. Whereas being selfish tends to be

thought of as negative since it is easy to take it to far, in the proper degrees

it can actually be a positive thing.

 

The reason that I think that this would be a good thing for you to think

about and talk about this more is that you are most likely going to either

attract, or be attracted to individuals similar to her in the future if you

decide that it is too much for you and you leave without addressing this

part of your personality. There is nothing wrong with the way that you

are, it looks like an issue of balance.

 

Before I potentially stray to far, have you seen yourself this way in

other relationships and what are your thought in regards to what I have

stated in this post?

[ICS]

My current girlfriend is actually my first love. I am one of those people who doesn't like to settle for a "second choice". When I first met her I didn't know her so well, but we really clicked on many levels, and I found myself spending countless hours talking to her before we dated. She didn't mind the long conversations and enjoyed talking to me alot. For us, talking until 2 or 3am in the morning wasn't unusual. There is an interesting point that I want to note, and that is.. during the time we were friends and talked long hours, she wanted to take the friendship further, but I was nervous. Actually, at the time, I thought to myself: "If we get into a relationship here and it's no good, there is a chance that we might never talk to each other again.", and because of that, I did not express my feelings. But two weeks later I wanted to take the chance and told myself that I'll do my best despite anything that might happen. I have denied relationships from friends in the past because I could not / did not want to find a good connection with them- physically and/or emotionally. I am willing to work hard to make things work when I like what I am doing (which is why I have been with her for 3 years, through ups and downs), but when I don't, I quit easily.

 

When we first started out dating she was terrible to me, cancelling on our get-togethers when her friend wanted to see her, but I persisted though it, telling myself that I haven't earned her trust /love yet, and especially since it was my first relationship too, I did not know how much to expect in return for how much I give. Anyhow, I turned out to be right, and she was indeed attracted to me in ways that I never thought possible.

 

Back when things with her were tougher, I always thought that only a life lived to make others happy is a life that's worth being happy about. Also, I used to to restrain from getting angry at her, telling myself that destruction is the only results of both of us being angry at each other, so I compromised. I think a little more realistically now- in the sense that I get mad at her, or at least express my feelings without the same level of restraint as before, it takes a load off my mind. On that regard, I am probably more selfish than before, but only purely out of my love for her and my desire for us to be closer.

[augur]

One thing that I want to stress with you, as it is something that

I continually have to remind myself of – Looking out for yourself

first – being selfish for yourself is not necessary a bad thing .

Seeing this, thinking on this, and acting on this in a positive way

is the key. (a bit more on this as we proceed in this thread)

 

As this woman is the first love in your life, lets go a bit further back

to other interpersonal relationships (non-romantic) you have had and

come back to your relationship with her in a little bit.

 

Guess what, a couple more questions

 

You stated that you “always thought that only a life lived to make others

happy is a life that's worth being happy about”.

 

Do you see this with all people in general (friends and family)?

Where do you see yourself developing this philosophy?

[ICS]

Generally, people tell me I am always the nice guy because I am easygoing and won't create problems and go out of my way to do things for other people. My philosophy to life is: If I can help make someone's life better, I usually will. Granted, for friends and family, I do not care as much about how good of a job I do to make them happy, but I am certain that I like making them happy. For friends, especially close friends - they like to talk to me about their life, and I am mostly content to be there for them, even if I have things of my own to tend to. I think part of the reason that I am extremely concerned about her feelings is because I care about her in a different way than the average person, which takes my caring nature to a different level. Before I had known my current girlfriend, I observed her alot, and I could easily tell that her life was not neccessarily too joyful, and I agree with her friends about the usual sad look on her face, which she is unaware of. Shortly after we got to know each other, I had learned that she was adopted, has a blood sister whom her parents kicked out of the house, and that her life was even worse than I had previously thought. I think it touched me emotionally that she chose to be with me despite her problems in life, and her parents' dislike of me too (purely because of cultural-preferences). And so, all those factors combined made the relationship the way it is. I feel especially happy when I am rewarded knowing that I've made a difference in her life. I feel sad for what she has to go through, yet at the same time I love her for who she is, and for the occassional smile that I put on her face- knowing that I've made her life a little better again. Those are my best guesses of how I developed my philosophy of making others happy, and being happy as a result.

[augur]

I have observed that love amplifies ones base personality to the nth degree.

 

People like you, many others, and myself tend to get completely lost in this.

Personality traits that are positive, can also mutate into negative traits and

harmful behavior.

 

Now, we have heard from the choir of folks that say run away – as I have

previously stated, this is an option, but one that I am keeping on the back-

burner since I don’t think that you desire to give up on her.

 

That said, you are with someone that is going to take work – more work

initially on your part. Possibly always more work on your part. Now,

as I believe I implied in a previous post, this is something that may or

may not follow you into other relationships if you don’t take care of

YOU in this relationship.

 

This is why I have been and will continue to ask questions to you in regards

to other areas of your life, as the foundation of your current relationship

seems to be rooted outside of it (your formative years).

 

Thus would like to ask you to describe your family life growing up. A couple

of things that I am particularly interested in would be any religious influences

and the general dynamics of your family in regards to rules and ways you

were expected to behave.

[ICS]

I am not a religious person myself, but during my childhood years I have atteneded a catholic school for several years that had a mandatory Saturday half-days of school. On every Saturday we had speeches given to us whilst the entire school stood for 2 hours listening. I grew up in an environment where I had a strict family that focused alot on academic success and a school that enforced discipline. Growing up, my father worked all day, and I never had much of a chance to know him. In fact, I never knew much about him when I was a kid because he often comes home late when I am already asleep. He was a stranger to me. In a way, I was also afraid of him because he was very distant physically and emotionally, with a short temper. My mother, on the other hand, had more time to spend with me, but also led a busy life. However, I felt much closer with my mother than my father. All throughout my life I have had few close friends, and part of it was due to the little freedom that I was given as a kid. I often found myself spending many hours on my studies and little time for non-academics. My parents used to love having alot of control over my life, including how long I am permitted on the computer for games. Older now, there is less control from them, but they won't sit and watch if there is something I do that is not up to their expectations. Spending long hours and consecutive days with my girlfriend did not impress them. Coming home late from spending time with my girlfriend gives me a long and angry lecture, often involving waking up everyone in the household. Now, no longer in my childhood, they are not always so strict though, as my parents are very supportive on many aspects of my life, including school and problems that I might have. For instance, they rented an apartment unit for me because I started university. It was not neccessary, but it is more comfortable and saves two hours of travel time a day. My parents do not have many friends that they're close with, and as a result, our family structure is quite strong. They have a business that they both take care of together, and life is flexible for them. I grew up as a very shy but well-mannered person, but I can say that I am more outgoing now.

[augur]

It is good that you are outgoing now, and a lot of what you

just posted sheds more light on how you are in regards to

interpersonal relationships.

 

In reading through your post a couple of times, a some things

stand out. Primarily the issue of control. Secondary would be

your comment that your folks did not have many friends, but the family

structure is very close. Also your comment on your father being distant

and short tempered and being close with your mother, but that she

lead a busy life are of interest as well.

 

What I am trying to see is a clear picture of the imprinting that you

received growing up, and what you posted helps a lot. From it we

can develop a matrix that we can view from a variety of viewpoints.

As we do so, keep in mind, in most things there are good, bad,

and neutral aspect that are dependent upon other factors. I have

found for myself to break things down to the most basic of levels

And then building things up to be the best way to achieve this.

 

So to start out, you mention that your folks were a bit controlling

as you where growing up. This helped you greatly in many ways.

But, due to this part of your imprinting as a child, as you move

forward in your life, you may find yourself attracting or being

attracted to individuals that are controlling as well, which seems

to be where you are at now.

 

What are your thoughts on my preceding comment?

In general, how do you react to conflicts, disagreements,

and so forth with your family?

[ICS]

When reacting to conflicts involving my parents, there's difficulty in trying to make them understand my point of view, because they are very old-fashioned and thinks that their greater life experience equates to being right all the time. Consequently then, my reaction to conflicts begins with a useless explanation followed by me complying with their wishes mostly. Don't get me wrong though, when I have a point to make, I make sure that it's heard.

 

About your comments- I think you are right in some ways; specifically in that my strong discipline and ambitious nature comes from their shaping of me in my earlier years. In a psychology textbook I remembered that most children grow up to be very similar to their parents, which was the point that you presented, and I believe that it is true to some extent. I see that in the case of my girlfriend, her personality does indeed mimic that of her parents in some ways, as much as she denies it herself. Therefore I am led to believe that it is the same for myself too. It also makes sense too because I do not make a good leader, but I listen well. Even when it comes to such petty things as deciding a place to go, I do not have much opinnion and do not mind letting someone have control in the decision. Another point I want to make it that I find myself sometimes reluctant to try new things. For instance, I find comfort in listening to songs I know I like, instead of listening to random songs that I have never heard of before.

[augur]

I am glad that I seem to be making some sort of sense and that you

take a “I think you are right in some ways” and “…to an extent”

view on things here J.

 

I have been inclined to go a bit beyond your standard textbooks.

They tend to fill in part of the picture but I have found when I

add other forms of psychology, philosophies, sociology, and

any number of other of disciplines the picture becomes so much

more interesting to me.

 

I used to get lost in this – “the big picture” so to speak, until I learned

the importance of attempting to break the whole down to a base level,

focus on their influence, figure out a way to use that influence to

my advantage and as such to the advantage of others, and then back

away to see the whole again.

 

For this reason, I am bringing up your formative years .

 

Now let me ask you this – did you see yourself at times with your

parents just agreeing to get out of the conflict? To bring things to the

present, can you see how that aspect may contribute to your

current relationship? From there, you are now an adult, and can

you see a different ways to resolve conflict with your girlfriend,

that has it’s base in positive ways that you resolved conflicts with

your parents?

[ICS]

did you see yourself at times with your

parents just agreeing to get out of the conflict?

 

No, never. Not once in my life have I heard them apologize for being wrong, they stand firm on their opinnions. My parents do not take criticism from me at all, and they will never agree to resolve a conflict with me even if they knew they were wrongfully making asumptions. The pertinance of that to my relationship is not as high as it could possibly be, but I agree that it's there. When I first started dating her, she was reluctant to deal with problems- let alone talk about them. However, she would try to understand the problems that we were having and listen to my point of view on it, and occassionally we were able to get a good night's sleep after a day of arguments. The arguments were usually resolved because we always decide to make up one way or another. During such situations I always strive to resolve our problems by understanding them and talking about them, but my girlfriend cannot handle that very well, as she takes everything I tell her as complaints, and our conversations on the phone end with long repeats of disconnected ring tones. She tells me that she'll open up to me more later, and she wants to work on it (3 years now, I think she is not trying hard enough, but I can't pressure her, she does not take it well). For the time being, I've decided to work on being less sensitive to her words and not be as easily upset as before. Additionally I find that our problems do not go away (she is not ready or willing to discuss them or see things from my point of view). Instead, she asks: "can't you just be happy?". We argued tonight again about an issue that has dragged on, it was -and still is never resolved, but she called me back an hour later and talked as if nothing happend. Since I want to stay out of the continuous and perpetuating cycle of negative emotions as much as possible, I do not pressure her now when the problems are not resolved. I am trying to see if time can turn her into someone who can handle arguments and resolved them.. starting with opening up her feelings to me. I've asked her why she cannot let me in on her feelings before, and all the time the answer is a standard "I don't know".

[augur]

The “I don’t know” answer drives me nuts and has been a source of conflict

in my relationship over the years. We will come back to that and more of

what you just posted later.

 

Ok, a quick jump back to your parents – Let me clarify the questions as I

think I was unclear. On a scale of one to ten – how much did you just

agree with them to get out of the argument when you felt they where

wrong? Also, in looking back, on a scale of on to ten, how often do

you think their views where correct?

 

I don’t want to make any false assumptions here and please feel

free to elaborate in regards to these questions.