amygirl908 Posted December 16, 2020 Posted December 16, 2020 (edited) So I met a guy and it was great we were together for two weeks and then we decided to call it quits. He moved the relationship forward way too fast and I did not set any boundaries, which is something I'm working on in all parts of my life right now. I know why at this time it didn't work out and he's not ready for a relationship. He's still very immature and he's not ready to give up his bachelor lifestyle. Quite frankly after all of this I don't think I am ready for a relationship either. It's a complicated situation... the feelings and the chemistry we have for each other are crazy intense. I've dated A LOT and I've never experienced this kind of connection with anyone. We are trying to be friends right now and I'm really struggling with it and I get the feeling he is too, but neither of us can imagine our lives without the other person. There's a lot of detail that I'm leaving out for the sake of trying to be simple but he changed my life. I've struggled for a long time to learn to believe in myself and he made me start loving myself again. He cares about me unconditionally and he's just a genuinely good person. He's a positive, supportive part of my life. I've grown and changed and made more progress on my personal development and well being in the 2 months I've know him than I have in my entire life. Which I absolutely do not give him credit for I'm doing the work but he did spark it and continues to push me to be greater all while supporting me the entire way. What has prompted me to post right now is that last night we got together and as always we had an amazing time. While we were together I had no problem just being cool and being the friend, but when I got home I became an emotional wreck. I don't know how to navigate this friendship or whatever this thing has become between us. I think I obviously still have feelings for him, but I don't know what those feelings mean or what they are. I still feel strongly that I don't want to date anyone and I don't think we should not get back together. I don't want to stop spending time together, but I don't want to do this every time we hang out. I've talked with a couple friends looking for advice and I've kind of narrowed it down to two options... 1) I need to be honest about how I'm feeling - problem is I don't know if I can really articulate that right now or 2) we need to take more time apart before trying to be friends - which I don't really want but recognize it might be what I need. A third component is that we need to define what our friendship looks like moving forward. Part of my personal journey I'm going through right now is pushing myself to express my feelings and use my voice, but I don't want to do or say something that I would regret. What's a girl to do? hahah there's no right answer and I'm going to have to make a choice, but it's hard. Edited December 16, 2020 by amygirl908
smackie9 Posted December 16, 2020 Posted December 16, 2020 (edited) You are addicted to the chemistry and people in addiction are in denial they have a problem. You just won’t let go. The only to way is to admit you need to walk away and go back to self improvement. You are too dependent on him for your happiness. You are chasing the dragon and it only going to mess you up even more. Do what’s right and cut him loose. It’s not healthy for you to be around him. I don’t believe for one second you are not ready for a relationship with him. If he gave you the green light you would drop everything you said and be right there with him. You are just lying to yourself that you can work around this. That’s like an alcoholic saying they can still sit in the bar and not drink. Sorry but your friends are right. You do need to open your eyes to this, and walk away from him. Edited December 16, 2020 by smackie9 1
Author amygirl908 Posted December 16, 2020 Author Posted December 16, 2020 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You are addicted to the chemistry and people in addiction are in denial they have a problem. You just won’t let go. The only to way is to admit you need to walk away and go back to self improvement. You are too dependent on him for your happiness. You are chasing the dragon and it only going to mess you up even more. Do what’s right and cut him loose. It’s not healthy for you to be around him. I don’t believe for one second you are not ready for a relationship with him. If he gave you the green light you would drop everything you said and be right there with him. You are just lying to yourself that you can work around this. That’s like an alcoholic saying they can still sit in the bar and not drink. Sorry but your friends are right. You do need to open your eyes to this, and walk away from him. The self improvement, everything in my life isn't on hold and will continue whether or not he's in my life. I do not need him or anyone else to keep doing this work on myself and to be happy. Part of this growth that I'm going through is learning that I've had this within myself the whole time. Whatever happens with this guy the wheels keep on turning, I keep moving forward and I keep doing my own thing. I do not give him credit for the work that I'm doing. He simply shined a light on something I failed to see. He's not carrying me every step of the way but he has been there to support me and offer advice when I need it. I absolutely would not get into a relationship right now with him. He could ask me to be with him right now and I would say no. I'm not ready, he's not ready and I don't want to be with anyone right now. None of my friends have told me to walk away from him, so I'm not quite sure what you mean. I appreciate your perspective, but I'm not sure you got a complete understanding of what's going on.
Maldives Posted December 16, 2020 Posted December 16, 2020 (edited) You can date what's wrong with that and just have fun getting to know each other on a more intimate level and see where it goes. You have to tell him how U feel being friends. Those feelings are telling you and it's obvious to me that you want more out of this. Not just friendship. The fact you feel wrecked after hanging out with him is that's your emotions screaming at you and telling you something. In my opinion it's telling you that it's not healthy to continue with him the way it is. You need to sit down and figure out what you want this to be and be completely brutally honest with yourself and then tell him of he doesn't feel the same then you need to stop seeing him completely it is impossible to be friends with someone you have strong feelings for. When I was really young many moons ago in my early 20s I fell deeply in love with a girl but she wasn't ready after a yr of trying to be just friends I realised I had to completely cut her off as it was destroying me and my health. It's impossible you can't turn those feelings off Edited December 16, 2020 by Goodguy05
Miss Spider Posted December 17, 2020 Posted December 17, 2020 (edited) You are probably struggling being “friends” because that is in no way how you feel at all and you are just trying to stick the label of “friends” on something that clearly doesn’t fit the definition. I can stick the label of ‘chocolate’ on a bottle of dog crap but that is not going to change what is in the bottle. It’s just going to be gross and intellectually dishonest. So let me fix it for you ”How to navigate a situation where I am infatuated/in love with a guy who doesn’t feel the same ?” My answer is leave him be. Don’t hang out with him. It’s pointless and is prob going to make you feel bad/sad. Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
smackie9 Posted December 17, 2020 Posted December 17, 2020 I see a contradiction in your post...he tried to move the relationship way too fast. That doesn't say to me he's not ready. And everything else is telling me, you actually do want a relationship but are not telling us what is holding you back. 1
Author amygirl908 Posted December 18, 2020 Author Posted December 18, 2020 On 12/16/2020 at 7:21 PM, smackie9 said: I see a contradiction in your post...he tried to move the relationship way too fast. That doesn't say to me he's not ready. And everything else is telling me, you actually do want a relationship but are not telling us what is holding you back. He wants to be ready for a relationship but he isn't. When we were together he wanted to meet my friends, my family, talked about moving in together, but when the reality of that actually sunk in he isn't ready to be in a committed relationship. The only relationship I want to be in right now is one with myself. I think I always thought a relationship was going to fill this void in my life and it wasn't going to do that. Sure eventually I'd like to be in a relationship, but I'm not ready. After this last relationship/whatever I need some time to just breath. I've done a lot of thinking over the last few days and I'm still torn, but leaning towards taking some more space and time apart. It's just hard cause we run into each other everywhere.
Calmandfocused Posted December 18, 2020 Posted December 18, 2020 You continue to make references to self improvements, self awareness and self developments (I’m paraphrasing) but you willingly engage in a situation that I would describe as nothing more than a “head f**k”. You’re not self improving by hanging around this guy. You’re torturing yourself! 1
stillafool Posted December 18, 2020 Posted December 18, 2020 On 12/16/2020 at 10:59 AM, amygirl908 said: While we were together I had no problem just being cool and being the friend, but when I got home I became an emotional wreck. I don't know how to navigate this friendship or whatever this thing has become between us. I think I obviously still have feelings for him, but I don't know what those feelings mean or what they are. I still feel strongly that I don't want to date anyone and I don't think we should not get back together. I don't want to stop spending time together, but I don't want to do this every time we hang out. It would help to know your ages if you don't mind. Yes you have feelings for him that go beyond friendship and that is why you were an emotional wreck when you got home. Are you perhaps kidding yourself that you aren't ready for a relationship with him because he got cold feet? One thing we all know for sure around here is you CANNOT be just friends with someone you want to be with. It literally tears you apart. You say you don't want to stop spending time with him but if you continue the way you are you will soon see that what we say is true.
Author amygirl908 Posted December 18, 2020 Author Posted December 18, 2020 5 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: You continue to make references to self improvements, self awareness and self developments (I’m paraphrasing) but you willingly engage in a situation that I would describe as nothing more than a “head f**k”. You’re not self improving by hanging around this guy. You’re torturing yourself! Overall you're totally right, but we've been in the just friends zone now for a while (ie. not this first time hanging out since the breakup) and this is the first time I've had this reaction. We're not talking or seeing each other everyday we touch base about once a week or so. Part of my self improvement too - at least in my opinion - is understanding that relationships can fluctuate and change and that's ok. 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: It would help to know your ages if you don't mind. Yes you have feelings for him that go beyond friendship and that is why you were an emotional wreck when you got home. Are you perhaps kidding yourself that you aren't ready for a relationship with him because he got cold feet? One thing we all know for sure around here is you CANNOT be just friends with someone you want to be with. It literally tears you apart. You say you don't want to stop spending time with him but if you continue the way you are you will soon see that what we say is true. Sure I'm 30 and he's 28. He got cold feet because he isn't ready and no one can make him ready. Any relationship between us at this point wouldn't work and I want to keep doing this work on myself. I'm very aware of not being friends with someone you have feelings for I did that for 3 years with a friend from college and it is hard. This is something I explicitly brought up in the conversation him and I had about potentially being friends, but he was very insistent that he didn't want us to go our separate ways.
stillafool Posted December 18, 2020 Posted December 18, 2020 6 minutes ago, amygirl908 said: but he was very insistent that he didn't want us to go our separate ways. It doesn't matter what he insists or wants at this point. What do you want and what is and isn't working for you is what matters. What do you want?
Author amygirl908 Posted December 18, 2020 Author Posted December 18, 2020 1 minute ago, stillafool said: It doesn't matter what he insists or wants at this point. What do you want and what is and isn't working for you is what matters. What do you want? You are totally right. I think my biggest hang up right now is that I don't know what I want. I don't know if I'm ready to make a decision. I do know I don't want to feel the way I did the other night again.
caputo77 Posted December 18, 2020 Posted December 18, 2020 Hm. I’m thinking maybe you just have to realize that it can’t be what you want it to be right now so you need to accept that and let it go. I think it’s possible you’re saying you don’t want a relationship right now and want to focus on yourself etc. because it’s helping you cope with the fact that he doesn’t want one. I also think maybe you’re holding on so tightly to the “friendship” because you want to make sure you’re there and ready whenever he finally is. Finally, I think it’s possible you may be idealizing this man and your relationship with him. These are all things I’ve done before, and it definitely happens on a subconscious level and you sometimes don’t realize that’s what was going on until you’ve removed yourself from the situation. I mean, think of any other close and deep friendship you have…you don’t feel a desperate need to hang onto it or to have drawn out conversations about how it’s going to work. These things should be natural, and if they’re not, that’s telling you something’s not right. In this case, the “something not right” is that it’s simply too hard to be friends with someone you have deeper feelings for when the feelings are not reciprocated. The acknowledgement of this was manifested in what you were experiencing with your physical/emotional reaction the other night. Your body is telling you something that your conscious mind is not wanting to accept yet. I have felt these kind of connections before too and I understand how hard it is to just let them go, but sometimes you just have to appreciate something for the good thing it was for a little while and accept that it wasn’t meant to last longer. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you will connect with someone again. I don’t think you have to have a drawn out conversation with him about this, because the only purpose of that would be to seek validation/affirmation, which you will likely not receive. I also don't think you need to say goodbye forever....Just distance yourself, live your life, and listen to what your body is telling you about this situation. Which at this time sounds like it's saying you need space. 1
Author amygirl908 Posted December 18, 2020 Author Posted December 18, 2020 1 hour ago, caputo77 said: Hm. I’m thinking maybe you just have to realize that it can’t be what you want it to be right now so you need to accept that and let it go. I'm honestly thinking that you're right and at a bare minimum I need more space. I don't think I waited long enough to move on from my feelings before getting back in touch. 1 hour ago, caputo77 said: I think it’s possible you’re saying you don’t want a relationship right now and want to focus on yourself etc. because it’s helping you cope with the fact that he doesn’t want one. I also think maybe you’re holding on so tightly to the “friendship” because you want to make sure you’re there and ready whenever he finally is. Finally, I think it’s possible you may be idealizing this man and your relationship with him. These are all things I’ve done before, and it definitely happens on a subconscious level and you sometimes don’t realize that’s what was going on until you’ve removed yourself from the situation. I mean, think of any other close and deep friendship you have…you don’t feel a desperate need to hang onto it or to have drawn out conversations about how it’s going to work. These things should be natural, and if they’re not, that’s telling you something’s not right. That might be playing a part here... but honestly I am so burnt out on dating I do not want a relationship with anyone. I am focusing on myself because for the first time in my life I've got to and on that note I am so happy that I've finally been able to put myself first. This small hang up really should not be outshining how much progress I've made on myself and I'm really proud of that. I've been working out, working on my relationships with my friends, I'm working on starting a business.. this really is a small sliver with everything else I'm working on. I have a bit of a problem with how people say everything has the be "natural" because IMO it's a bit of a cop out. Relationships - friendships or otherwise - take work and communication and compromise. You absolutely cannot force relationships, that's not what I'm saying, but it's important to put the work in if there's value in the friendship. When him and I had one talk about our friendship it was also when we were breaking up. We're not constantly trying to work out the logistics, but to be honest I think that might help a lot. Neither of us has really defined what we want this friendship to look like - communicating expectations and needs really can help bring clarity. 1 hour ago, caputo77 said: I have felt these kind of connections before too and I understand how hard it is to just let them go, but sometimes you just have to appreciate something for the good thing it was for a little while and accept that it wasn’t meant to last longer. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you will connect with someone again. I don’t think you have to have a drawn out conversation with him about this, because the only purpose of that would be to seek validation/affirmation, which you will likely not receive. I also don't think you need to say goodbye forever....Just distance yourself, live your life, and listen to what your body is telling you about this situation. Which at this time sounds like it's saying you need space. I have thought I felt connections like this before and this one has been completely different. Sure I have residual feelings and I've got no worries about my dating in the future or meeting someone else and doing my thing when I'm ready. There's a lot of truth to what you and everyone has had to say. Ultimately I need time and space.
Wiseman2 Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 Why did you break up? Whose idea was it to stay friends? Are you concerned that it's now demoted to a FWB situation and completely on his "immature" terms? Hanging out, after breaking up is awkward,no?
Emilie Jolie Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 I don't think hanging out after a breakup is awkward at all - mature people do that all the time. It's best to leave it for a bit though, to ensure there are no residual feelings, but I think managing to keep a level of friendship with an ex is a really good sign of emotional intelligence. 19 hours ago, amygirl908 said: Part of my self improvement too - at least in my opinion - is understanding that relationships can fluctuate and change and that's ok. Absolutely. Give it time, don't put pressure on it and see if you can readjust your expectations of how this new relationship with him could look like. There might be a lot of stop and starts at the beginning, but if you value each other enough, you'll be able to find a way. I really think the key is to iron out the feelings part
smackie9 Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 IMO you are ready for a relationship, just not with him. He's making things confusing for you. Since he pushed it all away, you are going to be hard pressed to trust anyone. It's painful what you went through and still now. The part that really sucks is that those feelings are gonna hang for awhile. May as well give yourself more space from him so you can shake it off.
Author amygirl908 Posted December 19, 2020 Author Posted December 19, 2020 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why did you break up? Whose idea was it to stay friends? Are you concerned that it's now demoted to a FWB situation and completely on his "immature" terms? Hanging out, after breaking up is awkward,no? We broke up because he did want to be exclusive after he intimated it. Being friends was his idea. Actually I was ok with being FWB we hadn’t been together that long, I wasn’t pushing to be exclusive, but he was not ok with me openly dating and said he just wanted us to stay friends because it wasn’t fair to put me in that position. If I’m fairly honest the way everything ended was kind of weird. What I’m not down for is him being friends with me to keep me around if that makes sense. it definitely is a new thing for me I’ve always burned bridges with exes but he definitely provides value to my life as a friend. I’m having trouble at work and he’s really been there for me. I think eventually it won’t be weird but I think for now it might be too soon.
Miss Spider Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 (edited) He has you like a puppet on a string. He can call the shots here and you go along with it. He wanted to not be exclusive so that he could see others that he liked more, but at the same time, he didn’t want you to do the same because he didn’t want to lose you as a back up option. If you are not down with this then you need to end it. Raise your self-esteem and know your value is much greater than to be strung along by a user. He’s no friend! Edited December 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Author amygirl908 Posted December 19, 2020 Author Posted December 19, 2020 5 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said: I don't think hanging out after a breakup is awkward at all - mature people do that all the time. It's best to leave it for a bit though, to ensure there are no residual feelings, but I think managing to keep a level of friendship with an ex is a really good sign of emotional intelligence. Absolutely. Give it time, don't put pressure on it and see if you can readjust your expectations of how this new relationship with him could look like. There might be a lot of stop and starts at the beginning, but if you value each other enough, you'll be able to find a way. I really think the key is to iron out the feelings part Thank you for this! It speaks a lot to what I’m trying to do and have a mature response to the ending of a relationship. I just need to figure out what my feelings mean and because I’m not to the point where I want to make a decision/know what I want I’m just going to take some space. Eventually we need to define what our friendship is and what our boundaries are. I think I got upset because we don’t have clear boundaries and instead of me saying something in the moment I kept the status quo, but of course this is all speculation. @smackie9 I appreciate your confidence! I think I need to learn how to trust myself again as part of this process. I need to be in love with myself. Then I’ll be ready to be in a relationship.
Author amygirl908 Posted December 19, 2020 Author Posted December 19, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: He has you like a puppet on a string. He can call the shots here and he will just go along with it. He wanted to not be exclusive so that he could see others that he liked more, but at the same time, he didn’t want you to do the same because he didn’t want to lose you as a back up option. If you are not down with this then you need to end it. Raise your self-esteem and know your value is much greater than to be strung along by a user. He’s no friend! He knows I’m doing my own thing right now. I’m not looking for a relationship but I’m still dating, it’s not like my life stopped because we became friends instead of openly dating. I could understand if this was all one sided but I get the things I want out of the friendship too. Edited December 19, 2020 by amygirl908
Miss Spider Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 I get that you getting something out of continuing communication with him, without that you would be subjecting yourself to this indignity. The problem with that is that you will always be more invested than he is. You want more, he doesn’t want that much. Your feelings for him or deeper than his for you/ . So yes , you can date whoever you want but it will always come back to the fact that you like this guy the most. Other guys will probably have a tough time comparing. I am sure he knows this too. He likes where he’s at. 1
Emilie Jolie Posted December 19, 2020 Posted December 19, 2020 1 hour ago, amygirl908 said: I just need to figure out what my feelings mean and because I’m not to the point where I want to make a decision/know what I want I’m just going to take some space. Eventually we need to define what our friendship is and what our boundaries are. That's fair. The worst would be to go into this friendship under false pretences. It won't work. I know so many people who are friends with their exes - it means nothing but healthy, secure, well functioning people being able to move on from the past and find new ways to stay in each other's lives. It doesn't even need to be an intense friendship, you don't need to be bffs, but once all strings from the relationships are gone, there's no reason for it not turning into something nice. That's only when the relationship was good overall though, and people just drifted apart or something like that. I personally admire anyone who manages to do that. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2020 Posted December 20, 2020 (edited) How are you going to feel when he starts dating someone else? Will you still want to be friends? That's eventually what is going to happen and your need to brace yourself for it. I think you're not being honest with yourself. It hurts that he changed about dating you, and now you're playing mental gymnastics with yourself trying to justify keeping this person in your life. This weirdo was talking about meeting families and moving in after just 2 weeks? Girl. What can someone who demonstrates that level of impulsiveness and immaturity really add to your life? When you're saying you can't imagine not having him in your life and you've known him for 60 days, you really need to zoom out and identify the void in your life that this guy was filling for a bit. You don't know each other that well as people after 2 months (nobody really does) so this has less to do with him and more to do with something else going on inside you that is seeking...companionship? Affection? Somewhere, you have some inner work to do so you can regain your balance and not stay in unhealthy situations and bargain with your own emotions this much. Edited December 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Wiseman2 Posted December 20, 2020 Posted December 20, 2020 16 hours ago, amygirl908 said: I was ok with being FWB we hadn’t been together that long, I wasn’t pushing to be exclusive, but he was not ok with me openly dating and said he just wanted us to stay friends . He's making a lot of sense. If you were intimate, it's wise to be exclusive. He's smart to nix the dating/relationship aspect and friendzone you if you want to play the field or test drive others with him on the back burner. While you are hanging out as friends, he'll probably look for and find someone who wants what he wants. An exclusive relationship. If that's not what you're up for with him, be prepared to lose a friend when he finds someone more sure of him.
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