Crazelnut Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 Well, when you originally posted, everyone told you to leave him. Nothing has changed. He's still unmotivated. He's still not treating his depression. How much longer are you going to deal with this man-child? He's not going to suddenly change his entire personality and value system. 2
normal person Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 On 2/24/2021 at 1:25 PM, Sunsetz said: I told him if he really hates living with his parents so much why does he continue to live with them? Why hasn’t he done anything about it? So what'd he say, and what'd you say in response? Let me guess, he dodged the question, you stopped pressing him about it, and nothing changed. Two months wasted. You came here for advice, right? No one in this thread has suggested giving him some more time because he's eventually going to get his act together. He has no reason to. Every single person is in agreement that a guy who's not doing anything to dig himself out of a bad situation isn't worth your time. What're you waiting for? On 2/24/2021 at 1:25 PM, Sunsetz said: His mom is nosy and goes through my belongings when I sleep over. What? For God's sake, just break up with this guy and leave this whole family behind. Why are you putting up with this? Because he's "loyal?" Of course he's loyal, no other woman would deal with this crap. 3
Author Sunsetz Posted February 25, 2021 Author Posted February 25, 2021 Hi everyone. I appreciate your feedback. I was going to therapy but I have a high deductible insurance plan and the out of pocket costs were becoming too much. I really do love him but I think his lack of effort and motivation really overshadows everything else. I know it’s time to end it, I guess I tried to remain blindly optimistic. You live and you learn, I suppose. 2 1
ShyViolet Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 1 hour ago, Sunsetz said: Hi everyone. I appreciate your feedback. I was going to therapy but I have a high deductible insurance plan and the out of pocket costs were becoming too much. I really do love him but I think his lack of effort and motivation really overshadows everything else. I know it’s time to end it, I guess I tried to remain blindly optimistic. You live and you learn, I suppose. Did you think you going to therapy would fix this relationship somehow?
Author Sunsetz Posted February 25, 2021 Author Posted February 25, 2021 2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Did you think you going to therapy would fix this relationship somehow? No, I thought it would help me figure out why I allowed it and how to change myself! 2
Versacehottie Posted February 25, 2021 Posted February 25, 2021 14 minutes ago, Sunsetz said: No, I thought it would help me figure out why I allowed it and how to change myself! while therapy could be helpful, sometimes experience is an equally good teacher. Imagine if you DECIDE you want a better life and partner and walk away, knowing you will find it eventually. That could do wonders for your self-esteem as well. Don't underestimate real life experience; it's like what you would learn in therapy put into practice and you can grow your self esteem by being the type of person/the person who drew the line at what wasn't representative of the life you want & need. That's a simple way of dealing with and looking at it. Not saying it will be easy if you feel in love or are a little co-dependent because he is "there" and you might not have other things to fill your time and mind. Make a conscious effort to do that so you don't get weak about your decision.
SaraSays Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 On 2/24/2021 at 7:25 PM, Sunsetz said: He is the most loving and loyal man I have ever met What activities does he do for you, and for the relationship, consistently that illustrate him being loving and him being loyal? You've been together very little time, and don't seem to be compatible at all. What happened at the start, that made you choose him as your partner? Was he very different then? What is his behaviour like in your home? Does he cook and clean? Does he offer money towards bills, or bring food with him for you both that he paid for?
Be Cool Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 So your guy is at the lowest of his life, so you have two choices: 1/ Leave him while you still can. 2/ Stay and try to at least emotionally support him. But I doubt you'll keep staying if he's not going to do anything to help himself, and that's not your fault.
Miss Spider Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) On 2/25/2021 at 10:34 AM, Versacehottie said: he's a dreamer. He's got no skills, no employment history, no savings and he thinks he's going to leap to an apartment and new job out west? It's not happening. He needs to prove (to himself) that he can do that on the small steps it would take to get to that--life is not going to miraculously change for him. He's a big old anchor dragging you down. Reason why he complains about living with parents and all that but still does it---is because it's easier than the alternative!! That should scare you to death about him. He doesn't have the coping or character or emotional wellbeing to pick himself up and tackle a problem or a goal that matches with where he says he wants to go! Red flag. Unless you want to be carrying the heavy load/the entire load, don't move in ANYWHERE with this guy. You should pull back or break it off and see what he does. Also give that some time too--you want to see if he can sustain it. Idk, i don't think it's hard for him to be the "most loyal" boyfriend. He has NO OTHER options to do much outside the house or date other girls, expand his wings. If he had options and confidence, I'd guess he'd be a lot less loyal and loving. He's falling back on you. Lastly, unemployment benefits, especially ones that are larger than he can earn in a job are going to run out very soon and all he will have done is wasted a year of his life (in his prime career building years). I'd walk. Maybe he’s like my first ex and had mom and dad ( she said his parents enable and support him) so he can travel and live anywhere he wants and play video games all day. But he’s still unhappy because when he really looks at his life he realizes he hasn’t accomplished anything and never actually did anything self sustaining besides heat up some ramen Edited February 28, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
swenann991 Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 Well, in this situation You should probably give up...
dramafreezone Posted February 28, 2021 Posted February 28, 2021 (edited) Best thing you could do for the both of you is break up. If he places a huge emphasis on having a girlfriend, then he has what he needs (in his mind), so what motivation does he have to change. If he were going to get help for you he would've done it already. Hate to say it like this but what use is he? What value does he add to your life? He doesn't make money, he doesn't make you happy, he isn't a source of security or support at all. An uncomfortable truth is that we all get something from those we're in a relationship with, even if it's only emotional gain. He's giving you nothing. You're just living off of the fumes of what he used to be. A dog will love you too. You need more than someone that's loving. Edited February 28, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 (edited) On 2/28/2021 at 4:45 PM, dramafreezone said: Best thing you could do for the both of you is break up. If he places a huge emphasis on having a girlfriend, then he has what he needs (in his mind), so what motivation does he have to change. If he were going to get help for you he would've done it already. Hate to say it like this but what use is he? What value does he add to your life? He doesn't make money, he doesn't make you happy, he isn't a source of security or support at all. An uncomfortable truth is that we all get something from those we're in a relationship with, even if it's only emotional gain. He's giving you nothing. You're just living off of the fumes of what he used to be. A dog will love you too. You need more than someone that's loving. “ I think we should break up and see other people. You...a really good therapist.” Edited March 2, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
dramafreezone Posted March 2, 2021 Posted March 2, 2021 Hey, Zuckerberg became a billionaire because a woman rejected him. Actually I think the woman that spurned him in the Social Network was fictional, but I think it still applies. A lot of guys are only motivated to get their lives together after a breakup. I know I've done it. 1
mortensorchid Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 I think you have to throw this one back. The sooner the better. Being with someone who is depressed in any capacity is no fun. No matter how much you try there is nothing you can do unless they help themselves. Fact.
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 On 3/2/2021 at 11:16 AM, dramafreezone said: Hey, Zuckerberg became a billionaire because a woman rejected him. Actually I think the woman that spurned him in the Social Network was fictional, but I think it still applies. A lot of guys are only motivated to get their lives together after a breakup. I know I've done it. Agreed. Maybe you will be the recipient of him getting his sh*t together, maybe some other girl will be. Either way, if you let it go on like this...this is what you will get from him and downhill from here. Don't be that person.
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