Depressed and unmotivated 30 year old boyfriend

[Sunsetz]

I’ve been with my bf now for a little less than a year. He’s been collecting unemployment the entire time due to being laid off from the pandemic. He freely and openly collects and does not look for a job. He lives at home with his parents. I work full time and live in my own apartment and pay my own bills.

He keeps telling me he’s depressed and doesn’t want to be enabled and spoiled by his parents anymore. I told him he should really look for a job so he can make more money, get out of the house, have some self worth, etc. He does not want to work. He says he has no motivation. I told him maybe to seek therapy but he never calls his insurance to get a list of covered providers. I found him a list and he still doesn’t call. 

He wants us to move 500 miles away this summer. I told him I don’t feel comfortable making such a huge life change with someone who is in his mind state. He claims that moving and starting fresh will spark his motivation.

He got mad at me and said I’m annoying and rushing him because I keep trying to get him to help himself. I guess I am nagging him a little but I just worry about our future together. All he does is wake up at noon, play video games all day, eat, and sleep. I don’t know what to do! I constantly give him suggestions and he either turns them down or just acknowledges them. He said I need to worry about my own problems and not his and that by me “telling him to get help” it’s just bringing negativity into his life. I DO sometimes tell him he’s wasting valuable time just playing video games all day but it’s just the truth... I know the truth hurts. I just don’t know what else to say anymore. 
 

When we’re together I can sense his depression. He just wants to lay in bed and sleep or play video games. It’s making me feel depressed too. I feel guilty asking him to go out Christmas shopping with me or help me run errands. 
 

Any advice? At one point do you give up? Do I just continue to leave it alone and let him figure it out? Has it gone too far to where I should think about leaving? 

[alphamale]

1) take him to see a psychiatrist 

2) leave him if doesn’t see the doctor 

[FMW]

Absolutely do NOT move anywhere with him. He isn't magically going to lose the depression and lack of motivation just because he's somewhere new.  You would then be stuck supporting him on top of everything else.  

If he refuses to do anything about his problems, stop seeing him, he's already dragging down your mood.  You have to take care of yourself, he's clearly not able to think of anyone but himself right now, so you have to make decisions based on what's best for you. You are not responsible for helping him (and it's unlikely anything you could do would change things).  

[Trail Blazer]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

If he doesn't want to help himself, then there is little you can do to help him.

He needs professional help.  He is not fit to be in a relationship at the moment.

I would not stay with somebody like that.  

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Sunsetz said:

IAny advice? At one point do you give up? Do I just continue to leave it alone and let him figure it out? Has it gone too far to where I should think about leaving? 

My advice is give up. He's never going for figure it out.  Life is too easy for him. No matter what you do, even if you did move 500 miles away with him, you would end up supporting him (& resenting him) while he continued to cry that it was all somebody else's fault.  

[Ruby Slippers]

I would never date someone unemployed or even attempt to date if I were out of work. Of course, I've never been unemployed in my entire life because there's always been SOMETHING I can do to earn income - even if it's a low-level filler job just to get me along to the next real job.

I think it's better to be single than to be with a grown man who has nothing going on for himself and lacks all motivation to improve his situation. He's only dragging you down.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sunsetz said:

He keeps telling me he’s depressed and doesn’t want to be enabled and spoiled by his parents anymore.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what he does. Step way back from this. Don't nag, fix or help him.

If he wants to daydream about some far away place where he can plug in his umbilical cord, let him. Don't join him because you'll be his new parent. 

Reflect on why you want to be with someone so sloth-like.

[Miss Spider]

This hit so hard. Reminded me of my first and most intense relationship. Leave...just leave ...

[notbroken]

What did he do before he got laid off?   My guess is he was never very motivated and a 'high flyer'.    This guy IS depressed.   He'll likely take you down with him if you keep dating him.   I'm sorry, but you'd be better off with someone with a future - even if they are unemployed.   Lots of people are unemployed right now but I can guarantee you he will stay that way if he isn't even looking for work.   He should spend hours each day looking for work and/or bettering himself for the future.   He is dependent on his parents and likely always will be one way or another.   I'd wager he always has been - even if he was living alone.    You will also be supporting him.  Run.  Fast.   This is not about him being temporarily laid off due to covid.  It is about his outlook on life.   Sorry, but he doesn't sound like he is ever going to be a 'winner' and will likely be depressed a long time because he won't change his circumstances.   

[snowboy91]

Unfortunately nothing you do is going to fix his depression... this is something he has to work on himself. If you're providing support to him, what you could end up doing is letting him get used to it and enabling his habits.

The only thing you can do is know where you stand and do what you need to do for yourself, whatever that entails. If you're not getting anything out of the relationship and you can't see things improving, then you know what you need to do.

[ShyViolet]

My advice?  Break up with him.  Break up with him now.  He is not doing anything to better himself or improve his situation.  He's not interested.  He's making excuses.  You have to look out for yourself and your own happiness.  Life is too short to waste time.  Why are you still with this person??

[Lotsgoingon]

Dump this guy--that's the advice. I had depression when younger. Absolutely could not be a good partner to someone when depressed. Impossible. This guy isn't even engaged in life, not trying. Why would it even be question of what to do? 

You wanna waste time and waste your life--and damage yourself--keep dating him. You'll end up depressed.

Being friends with a depressed person ... that's OK, but you've done that. You've made the recommendations. He's not acting. And his family isn't apparently pushing him to get help? Very bad sign--means he's from a family that's basically out of it when it concerns mental health. Red flag. He will be out of it. 

You don't date someone to do social work. You go out and volunteer to do that. We date someone because their energy, their life, their job ... because the way they take care of us and take care of themselves all dazzles us. We think of them and feel good. They help us think through problems and expose us to new experiences and allow us to deeply connect with them.

There is nothing here. Dump him. And FYI: he gets himself together, then later you can deal with him as a dating partner. But don't wait around. You could wait for years. God, a friend of my mother married a guy who was like this ... for a lifetime. When the depressed unmotivated husband died, I think the wife herself feel into a depression for realizing how she had wasted her life. 

BTW: he might be depressed, which is clinical. But it also sounds like this guy is unmotivated--meaning he doesn't have the basic drive to improve himself even if he were not depressed. Don't assume once he's over the depression (which doesn't seem any time soon) , he'll be Mr. Go-Getter! Wrong.  One can be depressed and highly motivated ... and one can be not depressed and highly unmotivated. Depressed and unmotivated is a terrible combination. 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Miss Spider]

I agree with a lot of what Was said. But also I think that there are degrees of depression/different types of depressives too. For example, my first ex was a lot like your guy. He was completely unmotivated and lazy. He basically gave up on trying with life. He also had a lot of mood swings. But I also know a lot of functioning people that are depressed. You wouldn’t really be able to tell from the outside. Like my ex before my last ex was als depressed. But he had a great job, lots big social circle, and even hobbies... he was motivated but he just felt sad a lot. But that wasnt the reason why we broke up, because I don’t like like to date  people who are happy-go-lucky yay life all the time anyway. It was because he was clingy but I think the biggest problem with your guy is that you’re getting sick of his lack of motivation and he is not making any progress with his life which is the case with many depressed people. . but not all. He’s just not a good partner. 

Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[MsJayne]

 I'd like a dollar for every person I've known who is a gaming addict and who also has depression. I think there's a correlation, though whether it's the games which cause depression or the depression causes the person to escape through gaming is debatable. Either way, grown ups don't play stupid games all day and they pay their way in life.The best thing you could do is dump him and point out that you're doing so because he's a big baby. Give him a dummy and a rattle for Christmas. 

[ThereSheGoes]

I used to date someone like this. He is comfortable with his misery. There is no real incentive for him to change. He's not GOING to change, the way things currently stand. There's nothing you can do. He's going to have to want to change. So you have 2 choices available to you:

 

1. Stay. And don't bring up the subject of his circumstances or illness.

2. Leave. Because this relationship isn't adding anything to your life, and a future with this type of person is just going to be a burden on you. It would be like taking care of a child.

You have to make the choice and decide what is the best for you.

[darkfoxjj]

Changing scenery can definitely kickstart a person.

BUT I would not take the leap before he has started his way digging himself out of it a bit. Have a heart to heart talk about the strategy.

There are ways to fight depression without the need to see a doc. He will have to start doing these things daily/as much as possible:

- Fresh air & sunlight (naturally well lit room)

-  Regular physical activity /sports

- Eating more healthy

- More social contacts

- Stop addictions - start limiting gaming.

I would definitely try and help him before throwing in the towel. But it will depend on your ability and willingness.

It would also be a good idea he seeks (professional) help.

 

[Sunsetz]

I last posted on here a few months ago. My boyfriend (30 years old) is still collecting unemployment (since last March) because he “makes more by collecting instead of working.” He lives with his parents and he hates it. He also has this “dream” of moving across the country to start a new life and use his parent’s money to start a business. (What kind of business you ask? He barely knows and has no concrete idea) 

I live in my own apartment and I am completely self-sufficient. He does not want to move in with me because I live in the city (okay, fine). My lease is up in June and asked him to move to a new apartment with me outside of the city. I told him I’d feel more comfortable if we lived together out this way for a little (I want to make sure he holds a job, adjusts to living on his own, etc before I move ACROSS the entire country with him). Also, by us splitting the rent, it will help me save some money for the future as well. My financial situation has been a little tough living on my own but I do make it work. 

Recently he told me he doesn’t think moving in together in this area is a good idea because he’ll just be wasting money and wasting time when he really just wants to move out west. This really upset me because he had the last year to come up with a plan or make something of himself but he hasn’t... isn’t THAT a waste of time?! 

I told him if he really hates living with his parents so much why does he continue to live with them? Why hasn’t he done anything about it? I’m starting to reach a point where I might need to move on. I told him that I’m going to look for a condo to purchase out this way because I can’t afford to keep renting and waiting. This upset him but I just feel that he is not thinking of me at all or our future. I have to start doing what’s best for me. He wants me to get a 6 month lease somewhere so that when he “figures out his business and living situation out west” I can come move with him. I told him I wasn’t going to do that because short leases are more expensive and he hasn’t shown me ANY progress thus far. 
 

He also continually asks me to come stay the weekend at his house with his parents vs him come here. His mom is nosy and goes through my belongings when I sleep over. I just feel that being a 31 year old female with my own apartment — I don’t want to go stay at his parents house. Am I being a brat?

He is the most loving and loyal man I have ever met but this lazy attitude and lack of direction is putting me off completely. 

Am I doing the right thing here? Am I being too hard on him? 

 

 

[JRabbit]

He's 30, with no job, no plan, no money, no goals other than "moving out west" and he even won't stay at your place and instead wants to stay with his parents?

Honey, no. He is not ever going to change. If you reach 30 and have desire to leave the nest, they never will. You will just be replacing his parents as his caregiver.

This needs to end, get yourself a man who can take care of himself and has plans for the future.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Sunsetz said:

Am I doing the right thing here? Am I being too hard on him? 

You are being too soft on him.  You are doing the wrong thing for yourself by hanging on to this useless guy who will never exert effort to do anything.  What you see is what you get:  a lazy, entitled dreamer whose mommy still caters to him.   If you want to care for somebody like that I suggest you adopt rather than continue to date this man-child. 

You are wasting your time.  He's not gonna step up.  Continue with him at your own risk

[ShyViolet]

Why on earth do you even want things to progress with this man?  Why would you push for him to move in with you?  He's lazy, doesn't work, has no plans to improve his life and no work ethic.  This guy is a loser.  Do you really not think you can do better?  

I remember your first post about him.  Why haven't you ended it already?  Why are you wasting your time with this?

[notbroken]

You are an adult.  This guy is a kid - regardless of his age.   No skills, unemployed (and likes it), dreamer who can't even define his dream in more than vague terms, wants to live with his parents, etc - there just isn't a bright future there.  He's never done anything and likely never will.  He will be a dependent just like he is with his parents.  This guy is not suddenly going to become a highly functioning member of society.    A person is either a giver or a taker.  He's a taker.   As hard as it is, either move on quickly or accept that he is likely going to be a nonproductive dependent while complaining you and society aren't giving him enough in return for his time on the couch.    You might be doing him a favor by telling him that on the way out but I doubt he ever changes.    

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sunsetz said:

I told him if he really hates living with his parents so much why does he continue to live with them?

. His mom is nosy and goes through my belongings when I sleep over. I just feel that being a 31 year old female with my own apartment — I don’t want to go stay at his parents house.

Agree it would be best to cut your losses. Why let someone who hasn't cut the umbilical cord hold you back with headaches and heartaches you don't  need?

Edited February 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Fletch Lives]

It may not be the best time to look for a job especially if he does not have to.

[smackie9]

Girl you can do waaaaaay better than this. You have had plenty of time to see what kind of persona he is. His problems are not yours to solve. You have a lot going on for yourself, but if you stay with him, it's just going to pull you down dating this man child. Dump him.

[Versacehottie]

he's a dreamer. He's got no skills, no employment history, no savings and he thinks he's going to leap to an apartment and new job out west?  It's not happening.  He needs to prove (to himself) that he can do that on the small steps it would take to get to that--life is not going to miraculously change for him.

He's a big old anchor dragging you down. 

Reason why he complains about living with parents and all that but still does it---is because it's easier than the alternative!! That should scare you to death about him.  He doesn't have the coping or character or emotional wellbeing to pick himself up and tackle a problem or a goal that matches with where he says he wants to go! Red flag.

Unless you want to be carrying the heavy load/the entire load, don't move in ANYWHERE with this guy.  You should pull back or break it off and see what he does.  Also give that some time too--you want to see if he can sustain it.

Idk, i don't think it's hard for him to be the "most loyal" boyfriend.  He has NO OTHER options to do much outside the house or date other girls, expand his wings.  If he had options and confidence, I'd guess he'd be a lot less loyal and loving.  He's falling back on you.

Lastly, unemployment benefits, especially ones that are larger than he can earn in a job are going to run out very soon and all he will have done is wasted a year of his life (in his prime career building years).   I'd walk.