Dating a 19 y.o boy in my 25

[ekaterina]

Hello,

 

I started seeing a 19 y.o student while I am 26 years old financial manager. I feel that I am way too mature for my age and he really looks mature but sometimes way too childish. 

I do not exactly know what I want from him, I think neither he does but the passion between us is like a bomb.

I would be happy to receive some advices from you. I always dated 5-10 years older men. Its quite new for me and I do not know what to expect. Does age difference really matters?

 

Thanks in advance  

[Wiseman2]

It seems you have answered your own question. He's immature, but the sex is the bomb.

[smackie9]

As soon as I turned 24 I became newly single and dated 19 year old guys because I had a lot of access working at a nightclub. It was just for fun and that is all it is for him and should be for you. There’s no way this is going down the road to anything long term or serious. Enjoy the sex but keep your options open. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

It's not the age gap but the life stage differences that make you incompatible.  

Enjoy the physical side if this if you like but stop expecting him to be more mature than the teenager he is.  

[Miss Spider]

There’s prob only one thing more annoying to date than 19-year-olds as an adult and that’s 18 year olds. 

[Trail Blazer]

If neither of you know what each other wants, surely you have no expectations?  It's a non-issue right now.  Just enjoy the sex and take the rest as it comes.

[scooby-philly]

Started to reply and got all over the place so rewriting to be more organized.

Having dated someone WAY TOO YOUNG for 2 years and getting my heart utterly broken in the process 1.5 years ago I can share this from experience.

As several posters have said, and many more might after me, the problem isn't the # of years between you. Lots of couples have 5-10 year differences and they last a long time. The problem is his age. You've already started your career and he's still in school. That means that possibly your schedules, your lifestyle, your wants, and your needs don't match up. But that doesn't mean you have to quit this immediately....he's my thoughts:

1. The first thing (the primary thing in any relationship) is...WHAT DO YOU WANT? That guides every other choice & opinion. You don't know what you want or you just want something casual right now - then don't beat yourself up. F' his brains out 3,5, 10 times a week. Make your legs shake and quiver and when you want something serious, or different, or you possibly lose that spark (or the same from his perspective) then you reevaluate. But you have to be 100% honest with yourself. When I was dating a much younger woman I was lying to myself, saying that I was okay with waiting for her to graduate, mature, etc. Not that I was rushing her - on the contrary, I couldn't have been more accomodating, supportive, understanding, etc. BUT....she refused to tell her parents about me b/c they were strict and she had built up in her childhood a fake "good girl" persona, which she couldn't break. I would have been fine waiting...but I wanted something REAL and something public. So ask yourself - what do you want? Are you afraid of something? Are you hiding something? Are you afraid of someone's judgment? Cause sex aka physical chemistry is powerful and an important part of a relationship and something that too many societies, religions, countries, etc. down play or treat as incidental. It's not. So if you just want to get laid right now then go for it. But don't lie to yourself.

 

2. Depending on the answer to #1 the next important thing is....if you want something more than just seeing each other for 1-3 hours 1-7x a week for sex and then decoupling, does he have what you're looking for, are your schedules aligned, etc. (TBH, if you just want a FWB kind of thing those are important too lol). And if you want something a little more than just shagging, is he someone worth spending time with, are you able to be yourself around him, does he support you, is he understanding, flexible, but also emotionally healthy, etc.

 

3. If you want something real either now or down the line and you're still seeing him the question is two-fold, what does he want and is he a good candidate at that point. Let's say you want to travel (post COVID lol), grow your career, get an advanced degree, work on yourself, whatever and do that for 2,3,4, years.....you wake up at 28 and realize you want something...MORE....he'll be 23 then. Don't assume either way - that you have to leave him or that you have to stay with him....talk to friends, trusted family, meet 1,2,3 people on here you can open up to - people who just want the best for you and know you (or get to know you)...and ask - am I leaving simply because I'm scared or,....am I staying simply because I'm comfortable. You'll have to evaluate things at that point...but in reality if the answer to #1 is you don't know...then cross bridges when you come to them.

 

One final point I'd like to make. I'm a stickler for words/language. Not because I am a Grammar Nazi but because words often can reveal things. You said in your original post that you don't know what you want FROM HIM. Sure, it's a fair consideration....but the bigger question, the most important question is the one I alluded to and talked about in #1....What do YOU WANT? (and not from him). Let me put it another way....Chemistry, great sex, a BOMB attraction...those are all great things....and all necessary in a relationship (of course, those are things that each person has a different definition of, so that's another consideration)....but they're not enough to stay in a relationship/situation, dependent on other factors and that nasty little #1 - what YOU WANT (and need). Maybe the sex is great...but maybe you need great sex and someone who's affectionate and cuddles well. Maybe the sex is great but he's not open to exploring and you'll be bored in 3 months. Maybe...maybe...maybe....But only you can decide that for yourself. I'll use second example from my past experience.....as I said...my most recent ex was way too young. But it wasn't just her age...she came from a shame based, unaffectionate, sheltered/cloistered, and mean family, she had that "fake good girl persona" I mentioned and didn't realize she could hurt other people. She was afraid of being herself, ashamed of her family, ashamed of her status as a child of immigrants, ashamed of her socioeconomic status, etc. Despite all of that I loved her because I saw through all that and thought, in the beginning, she was amazing. But after 7 months of dating when she started acting out her frustrations with her family, her life, her self image on me and our relationship and when it was clear she wouldn't break the "good girl" act with her parents and tell them about us I should have been out the door. We had chemistry, had become best friends, the sex was good (though not often enough as it was also semi long-distance), and I was completely comfortable with her and fully myself and fully committed. But that wasn't enough. I deserved better. And she deserved to find the courage to be herself and live her life for her own happiness and health. So....in the end for you OP, you need to decide exactly what you want FOR YOURSELF, not from him.

[Watercolors]

OP, sounds like you already know the answer to your question. You’re hesitation is in the fact that you aren’t used to having just casual sex relationships before, maybe, and that’s what it seems like this is, with this 19 year old. 

If you don’t want to have a casual sex relationship with this 19 year old, you need to talk to him about your feelings. 

When you date someone as young as 19, you are dating a teenager. Just an FYI. Nine-teen = teenager. He’s a kid still. A kid who you have great sex with. Is that what you want though? 

[ExpatInItaly]

If you can enjoy the physical aspects and just have fun while it lasts, proceed. 

If you're expecting this to lead somewhere serious, bow out now. It isn't going to happen with someone that young and inexperienced. 

[Miss Spider]

When you say “boy” like that it makes it sound weirder.... but that’s not a misnomer ... That is what he is. My mom’s older than my dad by more years than that. But with the maturation/development that occurs from teens to 25 , it’s different than if he was 25 and you were 31. I remember crushing  on this 19-year-old when I was 24. I felt like such a dirty old lady... 

Edited December 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes