I slept with a family friend who is 20+ years my senior and now he wants a relationship…

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It will, especially when he gets all upset with the OP giving him the run-around with other guys... as they are not exclusive...

 

Yup! But you know, this is what your twenties is all about... dating different people, learning about relationships, and finding your way... Your fifties are more likely about finding stability, especially for many men who seem to want a partner with whom they can retire, travel, and share life’s responsibilities and burdens as we all age... OP seems pretty intent to continue having casual sex with this guy. No doubt, he will take the sex until her lack of commitment starts to wear on him or his pressure to be something she isn’t starts to wear on her. For many reasons, it’s unlikely that this will be a long term relationship as the two individuals seem incompatible in many ways - they have basically been brought together by physical attraction and the fact that there are no other options at the moment... But you know, there are some thing you just gotta do, and I feel like based on her responses that she has decided this is one of those things that she has got to do. There are some things one can only learn through experience... good luck to you OP. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, Kai_Kai said:

I don't want anymore kids. I don't want to be against it, I want to just see where things go. 

Yes, but I'm not interested in them so far. I dated up until March before COVID got bad and there's nothing that had me wanting to think any second thoughts about as of yet. 

I don't need financial stability. I can support myself and my son no problem. Being a mom I need someone who is mature rather than money because I can get that myself. I was raised not to depend on anyone like that. 

Theres people who marry and are 'age appropriate' and die prematurely. Its sad but life has an end. You don't know when that could happen just because youre young doesn't mean you really do have an additional 40 years its probable but not guaranteed. But given his age the probability is definitely there! But death or serious illness can fall on anyone these days. 

No worries, once you have spent several years with him, you will discover things that will be your regret later on...then you wish you haven't wasted your life, when you could have better a opportunity. Sorry but you only have one time to do this, use it wisely. Note: the majority of us are in our 50's and 60's....we just know these things, we have experienced it, seen it long before you were born.

[BaileyB]

^^^ Absolutely agree. There are things that you just don’t know at 25, including whether you do or do not want more kids. You could meet the man of your dreams at 32 and he has never had children... just saying. You get one chance, don’t waste your youth. You will never get it back...

[Kai_Kai]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No worries, once you have spent several years with him, you will discover things that will be your regret later on...then you wish you haven't wasted your life, when you could have better a opportunity. Sorry but you only have one time to do this, use it wisely. Note: the majority of us are in our 50's and 60's....we just know these things, we have experienced it, seen it long before you were born.

Years??!! We havent even made any commitments yet. I don't want to have any regrets which is why I am totally cool with doing what is happening now. Taking it slow...... 

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

^^^ Absolutely agree. There are things that you just don’t know at 25, including whether you do or do not want more kids. You could meet the man of your dreams at 32 and he has never had children... just saying. You get one chance, don’t waste your youth. You will never get it back...

Some people just know that more than 1 or 2 kids is not for them. My mom tied her tubes at 28 after having my younger brother. I want my son to have my undivided attention and saves me a lot financially. Paying one less kid through college is pushing me one step closer to retiring at a decent age. 

[stillafool]

Well OP you really don't need LS because it sounds like you've already made up your mind to go with him.  I wish you the best.

[smackie9]

Well at least our concerns will better prepare you for when your family finds out.

[Kai_Kai]

Yeah! Thank you guys for being honest even though it was at times blunt. I needed to hear that from people who are not fixated on my feelings. And I spoke to I guess my "lover" lol and we touched based on my mom situation and how us being together effects their friendship. He said he honestly feel uncomfortable because he is lying to her about his dating life. And, he said he's open to telling her about us. 

 

And yes, it is really none of my mom's business who I am sleeping with, but if it can directly effect a nearly 10 year friendship thats something that needs to be cleared. I know I'm flip-flopping, but after reading back on some comments and hearing his perspective on the situation has made me realize that it's not just about me and him, but my mom as well. She will be greatly effected by this.  So, we're going to tell her this weekend that we are casually dating. We're not going to go into specifics because that's TMI. Just pull that band aid off because you guys mentioned she might just figure it out like if we happened to slip or be too comfortable with each other around her. I don't think I would have been  open to telling my mom if it wasn't for you guys. I would have literally kept this wrapped up until we were serious or she pulled it out of me. 

 

So, I already text my mom and let her know that I am coming over this weekend to talk to her about something that I need to get off my chest and that Michael (oh yeah I never mentioned his name) is going to be coming for moral support. And she was like just as long as I'm not having a COVID baby , she will be fine with whatever I have to say. She loves us both. 

 

I just feel like the fact that she added "she loves us both"" is probably her way of saying she knows me and Michael have a secret to share not just me. And since she is not being accusatory I am going to guess that this isn't going to be as bad as I think it is. OR my mom could just randomly be saying she loves us both as a way to say she is cool with having him in her house. Either way, I know its going to be awkward, but I am hoping my level headed mom stays that way and doesn't suddenly become hot headed. 

 

 Wish me luck!

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

My sister is 38 and her partner has just celebrated his 60ith birthday.

They are just getting to the bit where it gets difficult...

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Kai_Kai said:

 we're going to tell her this weekend that we are casually dating. 

We? Tell her privately. It's too awkward for her to have both of you there. Be more sensitive to her possible reaction.

It's a private matter. Why treat this as some grand official announcement with the both of you, and then claim it's "casual"?

Are you striving for the shock treatment to make a statement?

"We" comes off a lot more confrontational and bars her from having the dignity/privacy of a reaction she may only want to share with you.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a private matter. Why treat this as some grand official announcement with the both of you, and then claim it's "casual"?
..."We" comes off a lot more confrontational and bars her from having the dignity/privacy of a reaction she may only want to share with you.

I agree.
Your mother will feel got at and cornered.
I know you want this to be accepted as if it is just normal, but there is nothing normal about an older "family friend" moving in on the 25 yo daughter.
There is also the grand child to be considered.
Fine for him to be the "grand father" role  model as the family friend, not perhaps so fine for him to be the "father" at  54... 
Your mother and father may not like that thought at all.
Nothing normal about saying "Its OK we are just hooking up..." either.
A lot of trouble stirred up, when next week your "relationship" may all be over...
I doubt the "friendship" between your parents and this man will recover from this.
They thought he was their friend but in reality he was just eyeing up their daughter...

[Kai_Kai]

Well, I wish I saw your comments before I pulled the band-aid off because it would probably been much better if he wasn't there, however, it was nice to have him there to give me the confidence to just do it. I think I would have been more enabled to back out if he wasn't there to fact check me. But anyway just to recap, we had breakfast together this morning before meeting up with my mom. Of course, I was in full blown freak out mode and he definitely has a way of calming me down. But, we did end up hooking up a few times and we like cuddled and talk and was like super late from the time I told my mom. She is a stickler for time, so she was texting me asking where I was and I couldn't just say why I was really going to be late, so I had to make up some stupid excuse. I'm rabbit trailing, but when I showed up at my mom's house she didn't look like herself. My mom is always dressed up and has her makeup on 24/7. This morning she had no makeup and didn't look like she slept at all. Just by looking at her I knew she knew something was up. When we got settled in the living room, Michael (my lover or whatever you want to call him) started the conversation and my mom just cut him off. She dead asked us if we were sleeping together. 

I told her we were casually dating. And she went into 21 questions mode like asking when did it start, why did it start, did I use protection….like literally she kept going. She said after my text a few days ago, she was trying to figure out what I would tell her and this was the worst scenario. She was very disappointed and she feels totally weirded out by our relationship. She just simply put that she is in a state of shock and needs time to think everything over. She still extended Michael the same invitation for Christmas and she said she loves him as her friend, but he has cross a huge boundary. My mom also offered us lunch and Michael declined and said that he will wait in the car and let me and my mom talk.

My mom opened up a lot more …I can’t even write how much she told me . But,  she said she knows I am an adult and will make my own choices. She said she respects my decisions as an adult, but as my mom she doesn't trust or agree with my decisions all the time.  She emphasized that there are things that I  don’t know or still learning about in life  that he has mastered already and thats not fair to me. And she really shared a part of her life that I didn’t know in great detail.  Like how my parents are 16 years a part, and the age difference pulled her away from him because he always had the upper hand, which lead to her filing for divorce. After they got married, she immediately became pregnant with me  and my dad pressured her to drop out of college and take care of me because he had a good job.

She told me Michael could very well do the same thing if we became serious. He is not going to sell his house and move in my 2 bedroom apartment.  I would have to conform to his world, which I see how that dynamic can get messy. She said that, he is going to pull you to his level or attempt to and it’s not going to work because you need time to learn and grow. She also mentioned how it would uproot my son and confuse him as far as the family dynamics because Michael hasn't had a young child in over 20 years and he has aged out of that role. Like she touched base on so much in a short period of time. But the weird thing that really stuck out is my mom actually apologize to me  for not sharing with me her struggles earlier  being a young mom with an older husband.  But, she appreciated that I told her about the relationship and she made it clear that I shouldn’t let him pressure or coerce me into anything I don’t feel comfortable with. I tried to reassure her that I wouldnt let him do that, but she seemed unconvinced. 

Nonetheless, I really appreciated her being so level headed. I told her I was sorry for lying to her. She gave me a hug and a huge bag of food….and she said Michael and I can share the food. I thought that was a super sweet gesture. But, I know my mom was just being nice, so I can continue to keep her in the loop of things. She has never been the type to yell, but will kill you with kindness.But,  I went back to Michael's car and we drove back to his place, we talked for like bit, but after a while he told me its probably best I go back home because my mom texted him saying she wanted to talk to him in private. I knew that was going to happen, but yeah...its DONE. I probably only shared a quarter of what really happened, but that summarized the gist of what occurred. It would have been wayyy too much to write.  I am truly mentally exhausted and relieved that it is over. And it went  a lot better than I thought!!! I wasn't expected my mom to be enthusiastic, but I'm  happy she kept her level headed personality. 

 

Side note: My son is with his father until Christmas Eve LOL.  Just in case y'all think I left my baby home alone or something crazy. 

[BaileyB]

Your mom sounds very kind and she clearly loves you as a mother should - unconditionally. She also sounds very wise. The voice of experience has spoken and you would be wise to listen. 

It’s done alright. No doubt, she will have a few choice words for your “lover.” His days may well be numbered... GO MOM! 

 

Edited December 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I should have said - you may not be old and wise enough to know better... but he should.

Your mom knows this, she told you exactly this. 

Quote

 She emphasized that there are things that I  don’t know or still learning about in life  that he has mastered already and thats not fair to me.

And, you better believe she is reminding him of this fact right now. It seems to me, he is about to see the error of his ways....

[Kai_Kai]

33 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I should have said - you may not be old and wise enough to know better... but he should.

Your mom knows this, she told you exactly this. 

And, you better believe she is reminding him of this fact right now. It seems to me, he is about to see the error of his ways....

 

Yeah...he text me earlier saying my mom is ripping him a new one. But, oh well....its better my mom than my dad. He will be ok. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Kai_Kai said:

 

Yeah...he text me earlier saying my mom is ripping him a new one. But, oh well....its better my mom than my dad. He will be ok. 

So your mom’s response is not going deter either of you from continuing to have sex with each other just for fun?

Edited December 20, 2020 by Watercolors

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, Kai_Kai said:

Just in case y'all think I left my baby home alone or something crazy. 

Your mother will get over it. 

Just a thought, she didn't have feelings for him herself? 
It seems a little odd to me to be disappointed in you both, angry etc.

I believe parents should stay out of their adult children's relationships- there's always something to criticise, whoever your son or daughter is with. 

All this unnecessary negativity...hope you live happy-ever-after @Kai_Kai 

 

[Kai_Kai]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

So your mom’s response is not going deter either of you from continuing to have sex with each other just for fun?

Honestly...no. We knew going in telling her she wouldn't be exactly happy. That doesn't change how we feel about each other overnight. If anything I am starting to have more feelings for him because he helped me through this. We both just share the same sentiment on not continuously lying to her or worst having her find out prematurely. It was safer to do this earlier because waiting would have just caused more animosity. 

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

Your mother will get over it. 

Just a thought, she didn't have feelings for him herself? 
It seems a little odd to me to be disappointed in you both, angry etc.

I believe parents should stay out of their adult children's relationships- there's always something to criticise, whoever your son or daughter is with. 

All this unnecessary negativity...hope you live happy-ever-after @Kai_Kai 

 

No, not at all. He really isn't her type. The guys that she dated in the past that I seen always had a rugged look including my dad and super tall. My mom is like 5'10, so she not accepting anyone under 6'3. And Michael is exactly 5'10 and is always cleaned shaven and wears a suit or some sort of version of a suit. My mom has always cringed on how he never dresses casually. My mom is all about image, so she is not attracted to that look. Plus, I know my mom would jumped at the opportunity to tell me that Michael came on to her or vice versa to halt our relationship where it stands. 

Normally, I totally agree with parents not knowing everything, but its a sticky situation because we have history. But, thank you!!!  I think we all have to create our own version of happily ever after. Sticking to the norms is tiring if thats not what you want. I really just want to enjoy my time with him moment by moment. He's special, but there's more I need to unravel before I can make any type of commitment...if it even comes down to that. 

[elaine567]

So are you going to tell your Dad?
What about your son's Dad...

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, Ellener said:

Your mother will get over it. 

Just a thought, she didn't have feelings for him herself? 
It seems a little odd to me to be disappointed in you both, angry etc.

I believe parents should stay out of their adult children's relationships- there's always something to criticise, whoever your son or daughter is with. 

All this unnecessary negativity...hope you live happy-ever-after @Kai_Kai 

 

Ellener, I think your son is  lucky to have a mother as open minded as you! 

[Kai_Kai]

52 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So are you going to tell your Dad?
What about your son's Dad...

My dad is hot headed. He is in the does NOT need to know at all category. Besides he is in the high risk category for this COVID thing because of his health, and he thinks anyone under 35 are "super spreaders". He is probably somewhere in a bubble being angry and he needs to stay there lol. I already see this playing out and its not pretty. He is the complete opposite of my mom. 

 

If we were to become serious, I would definitely tell my ex. He gave me the courtesy of telling me when he got serious with his girlfriend after me. 

 

[balletomane]

[Redacted]

Your mother sounds like a very sensible and level-headed woman. In your shoes I'd at least do her the credit of thinking over what she said. It is interesting that your situation reminds her of her own situation with your father, because unhealthy patterns often are repeated in families unless a conscious effort is made to break them.

Edited December 22, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed Reference to Deleted Comments

[Wiseman2]

Ok, so the cat's out of the bag and everyone had their say. Hopefully that doesn't spoil it for you.

This isn't a "think about the future" type of deal. You hooked up and you're still trying this out.

There's still plenty of time to figure out if this is what you want.

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Ellener, I think your son is  lucky to have a mother as open minded as you! 

I'll tell him!

But he knows- plus I raised him to assert himself, he would not let me interfere in his private life.

 

 

[stillafool]

Well since your mom doesn't have a problem with it and you're sure you want him.  I wish you and this man luck with your new relationship.

[Kai_Kai]

[Redacted]

I definitely heard  what my mom was saying, I am not jumping into a long term relationship. I am going to play this out to see if that is something that I want all things considered. She brought up some great points, but I also feel like she is a bit jaded by how my dad treated her.

[Redacted]

Edited December 22, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed Reference to Deleted Inappropriate Comments