I slept with a family friend who is 20+ years my senior and now he wants a relationship…

[Watercolors]

6 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

I didI text my mom and told her where I was going and asked if she was ok with watching her grandson.

But that's not true. You write in a previous post that you hid the fact that you had sex with family friend from your mom. So, she has no idea that you slept with him or have the intention of continuing to have casual sex with him. Are you both going to tell her before Christmas? Or, at all? Are you going to carry on in secret? She's going to catch on eventually. You are better off coming clean about it now, with your mom than her finding out on her own.

[Kai_Kai]

5 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

But that's not true. You write in a previous post that you hid the fact that you had sex with family friend from your mom. So, she has no idea that you slept with him or have the intention of continuing to have casual sex with him. Are you both going to tell her before Christmas? Or, at all? Are you going to carry on in secret? She's going to catch on eventually. You are better off coming clean about it now, with your mom than her finding out on her own.

 I would never flat out text my mom that I am going to have sex with her friend. I told her where I was going and that I would be back and because he is so close to the family it was not weird for her. There was no follow up questions for her it was like saying I am going over to my uncle house. It sounds so wrong, but literally that is how she probably did see it because normally she is very evasive even adulthood.  I don't think she needs to know we are hooking up unless we are in a relationship other than that I don't want to know about her encounters. I am sooo good on that. 

[Kai_Kai]

22 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’ve got a slightly different take on this to the majority opinion. 
 

It’s difficult to meet and date someone who, a) you know you can trust, b) who you know is a good person and will treat you right and c) who will accept your child from the offset. You also have a great time together by the sound of it ... I so wish these sort of opportunities would just fall into my lap, but unfortunately they do not. 
 

Let me ask you this question; if he was not the long term family friend would you be giving him a chance at a relationship? The answer to that question should tell you something. 
 

The age gap is not ideal but if both you and he can accept it and are happy together then why not? There are so many things to worry about what it comes to picking a suitable partner. Some things are just not worth worrying about. 
 

A Good man is worth his weight in gold, specifically one who has your best interests at heart. 
 

If you want to be with him, be with him is my advice. 

I appreciate your different perspective. This is awesome. If he was not a long time family friend I would not have felt as awkward initially when we first became romantic and would be more open to the idea of long term relationship. I still wouldn't jump in like next day, but I would definitely have it as a strong consideration.  But the age difference is still there, which is secondary if you compare to how long I've known him and where he fits in our family.  At this point, we are just going to enjoy each other company and if we start to move towards a more long term direction then telling my family and his what is going on will have to be on the table. 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

Im open to it just being about sex,

Why didn't you just tell him this and then you wouldn't have to stress over him wanting a relationship.  He will take the sex.

[Kai_Kai]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why didn't you just tell him this and then you wouldn't have to stress over him wanting a relationship.  He will take the sex.

We had a follow up conversation. I think I posted it earlier idk when, but he was cool with taking it slow, but was disappointed that we are not exclusive. So technically we are just about the sex but open to it being more down the line. Him bringing up a relationship just brought in a new perspective I was not thinking of, and I am not completely against right now, but I am not entirely open about it either. This is where time comes into play. 

[elaine567]

Ok it is not exclusive, so he would be happy with you seeing and having sex with other guys?

[Miss Spider]

Do you think if you keep the sex coming he will say nope I will only have sex with you if we’re in a relationship,,, lol no . Beggars can’t be choosers 

[Ruby Slippers]

It is a strange situation, because they never even went on a date - just hung out in his car then went to his house and had sex. He should be asking you out on dates if he wants to be your boyfriend. But maybe all that romance is too old school for the kids these days 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

He should be asking you out on dates if he wants to be your boyfriend. But maybe all that romance is too old school for the kids these days 

He's 54.

 

 

[Kai_Kai]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok it is not exclusive, so he would be happy with you seeing and having sex with other guys?

Absolutely not. That was the first thing he expressed intensely, but he really has no choice. So, he had to accept it. 

6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Do you think if you keep the sex coming he will say nope I will only have sex with you if we’re in a relationship,,, lol no . Beggars can’t be choosers 

LOL. He is hoping that after some time as we get to know each other on a romantic level it will lead to a relationship. 

[cbr600r]

Just now, Kai_Kai said:

Absolutely not. That was the first thing he expressed intensely, but he really has no choice. So, he had to accept it. 

LOL. He is hoping that after some time as we get to know each other on a romantic level it will lead to a relationship. 

Why torture yourself over this? Just let it go. He's 54, you're 25. Do you want more children? There is no long-term future with him.   

[Kaarek]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He's 54.

 

 

I'm pretty sure she meant the OP

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, Kai_Kai said:

I was definitely hesitant initially, but I still made that choice. 

Aging is going to happen regardless, so thats something to think of for sure when it come to a long term relationship. And am I willing to make that sacrifice decades  prematurely, which is a huge commitment . That's something to think of...but we'll see. If you love someone I would think that taking care of them is not a burden. But, I have never had to take care of someone at that level. I take care of my son, but he has an active father in his life...grandparents, godparents...there are people who share the load. 

That's twisted af lol.....I don't want to think about that. That would be messed up. 

Geez, thats one heck of a burden I am sure. But that brings me back to if you love someone you will take care of them and have a team of people by your side to help you on an emotional level because I am sure being a primary caregiver to an aging spouse is lonely and stressful. But again, I never had to handle that burden so Im not sure what level of emotional assistance is required for that burden. 

You are missing the point....my coworker doesn't have anyone to grow old with, share the joy of grandchildren, retire with..that's all gone. She alone, comes home to an empty house. When you are young and virile and want to live life, you can't when you are nursing someone for months, years. You feel your life wasting away by watching the one you love suffer, and wither away from illness. Not worth it hun. It's heartbreaking and sad.

Edited December 16, 2020 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, cbr600r said:

 I’m being too mean lol. I’ll rest my case

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

To be fair, there are pros and cons to getting serious with a much older man. It's probably not exactly easy for a 20-something single mom with a young kid to find good men to date. This guy would probably provide financial security and stability for her and her kid. That's usually the deal with May-December romances.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, cbr600r said:

Why torture yourself over this? Just let it go. He's 54, you're 25. Do you want more children? There is no long-term future with him.   

I agree.  Are there any guys around your age interested?

[Kai_Kai]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It is a strange situation, because they never even went on a date - just hung out in his car then went to his house and had sex. He should be asking you out on dates if he wants to be your boyfriend. But maybe all that romance is too old school for the kids these days 

LMAO that sounds bad, my only saving grace is that I've known him for almost 10 years. If we didn't know each other this would not have progressed.. But its weird dating Post Covid there's no restaurants open, theaters, plays, etc. I can't even go on vacation its sad. And he can't zoom/FaceTime/google duo because he is technology challenge. But its not like we didn't see each other after hooking up that night we spent some time together, but not in the traditional go out and date kind of way. You have to be creative now. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

you hid the fact that you had sex with family friend from your mom. So, she has no idea that you slept with him or have the intention of continuing to have casual sex with him. Are you both going to tell her before Christmas? Or, at all? Are you going to carry on in secret? She's going to catch on eventually. You are better off coming clean about it now, with your mom than her finding out on her own.

We're talking about a grown adult, it's fine. Would you tell your parent every sexual encounter of your life forever? That too gets creepy...it's no one else's business, not even your mother!

 

[Kai_Kai]

36 minutes ago, cbr600r said:

Why torture yourself over this? Just let it go. He's 54, you're 25. Do you want more children? There is no long-term future with him.   

I don't want anymore kids. I don't want to be against it, I want to just see where things go. 

29 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  Are there any guys around your age interested?

Yes, but I'm not interested in them so far. I dated up until March before COVID got bad and there's nothing that had me wanting to think any second thoughts about as of yet. 

30 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

To be fair, there are pros and cons to getting serious with a much older man. It's probably not exactly easy for a 20-something single mom with a young kid to find good men to date. This guy would probably provide financial security and stability for her and her kid. That's usually the deal with May-December romances.

I don't need financial stability. I can support myself and my son no problem. Being a mom I need someone who is mature rather than money because I can get that myself. I was raised not to depend on anyone like that. 

33 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are missing the point....my coworker doesn't have anyone to grow old with, share the joy of grandchildren, retire with..that's all gone. She alone, comes home to an empty house. When you are young and virile and want to live life, you can't when you are nursing someone for months, years. You feel your life wasting away by watching the one you love suffer, and wither away from illness. Not worth it hun. It's heartbreaking and sad.

Theres people who marry and are 'age appropriate' and die prematurely. Its sad but life has an end. You don't know when that could happen just because youre young doesn't mean you really do have an additional 40 years its probable but not guaranteed. But given his age the probability is definitely there! But death or serious illness can fall on anyone these days. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

I don't need financial stability. I can support myself and my son no problem. Being a mom I need someone who is mature rather than money because I can get that myself. I was raised not to depend on anyone like that.

There are mature 30-35 year old men.  You don't have to be a senior citizen to be mature.

[Kai_Kai]

12 minutes ago, Ellener said:

We're talking about a grown adult, it's fine. Would you tell your parent every sexual encounter of your life forever? That too gets creepy...it's no one else's business, not even your mother!

 

THIS......LOL

[stillafool]

How is your mother going to feel about you having sex with a family friend who is her age or older?  I know my parents friends that I have know since childhood are looked at by me and my siblings as aunts and uncles.  Is this going to cause a problem with their friendships?

[Kai_Kai]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

There are mature 30-35 year old men.  You don't have to be a senior citizen to be mature.

This is true. So far these guys are cool with having a blended family because some of them have kids of their own. But, they want more kids and I don't. That is a deal breaker for a lot of guys. 

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How is your mother going to feel about you having sex with a family friend who is her age or older?  I know my parents friends that I have know since childhood are looked at by me and my siblings as aunts and uncles.  Is this going to cause a problem with their friendships?

I know their friendship would not be the same. My mom is pretty level headed. But, I have never done anything on this level for me to even refer back to, but historically she is level headed. But its not going to get out. I am not going to tell her because it hasn't develop to a point where we're serious about having a relationship and going long term. 

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

  Is this going to cause a problem with their friendships?

It will, especially when he gets all upset with the OP giving him the run-around with other guys... as they are not exclusive...

 

[Ellener]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How is your mother going to feel about you having sex with a family friend who is her age or older?  I know my parents friends that I have know since childhood are looked at by me and my siblings as aunts and uncles.  Is this going to cause a problem with their friendships?

They'll get used to it/over it if it becomes a permanent thing.