I slept with a family friend who is 20+ years my senior and now he wants a relationship…

December 16, 2020

Putting aside the weirdness factor of this situation, this is not the normal progression of a relationship. Look at the facts here... you've had sex ONCE and then his next move was to ask you to make a decision on whether you will enter into an exclusive relationship with him. That is weird. That's just not normal dating behavior.

But then again, nothing about this situation is really typical or "normal."

If you truly want to pursue this, just tell him that you can't be asked to make a "decision" whether or not to enter into an exclusive relationship with him. You can date, spend time together, and just see where it goes. But he can't try to rush you into anything.

December 16, 2020

What would his son/your friend say about you dating his father?

I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do... I would run. There is no way that I would ever have sex or date the father of a friend. The fact that he is pursuing you in this way would be very concerning for me...

December 16, 2020

Only you can decide if this was two lonely people comforting each other or something you can see going someplace.

Some factors may be if it's awkward for you with the rest of your family and friends.

Is the relationship hidden from them at this point?

Only time will tell if you were both filling voids or if things will work out given the family circumstances and life stage differences.

December 16, 2020

Well, it sounds like he likes you more so there is no chance of him rejecting you so you have the upper hand and there are no problems?

It sounds like you are in a position to dictate this relationship, I don't see the problem. I think all will work out on it's own in your favor.

December 16, 2020

One quote that has always been stuck in my mind "Be careful what you wish for honey."

That's what a wise woman told me once. Don't let the emotions drive you, don't decide impulsively. Be conscious of your choices. You're 25 for God's sake. You can always meet a man around your age that will be equally charming, caring, and handsome. These small moments and choices often will determine your life's quality, so choose wisely, please.

December 16, 2020

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Putting aside the weirdness factor of this situation, this is not the normal progression of a relationship. Look at the facts here... you've had sex ONCE and then his next move was to ask you to make a decision on whether you will enter into an exclusive relationship with him. That is weird. That's just not normal dating behavior.

But then again, nothing about this situation is really typical or "normal."

If you truly want to pursue this, just tell him that you can't be asked to make a "decision" whether or not to enter into an exclusive relationship with him. You can date, spend time together, and just see where it goes. But he can't try to rush you into anything.

That's the weird thing is that nothing about this is a normal situation. But, we spoke last night about not putting titles to things and going exclusive. He was a bit upset, but he said that he didn't want me to commit to a relationship just yet if I am not comfortable. But he can't imagine me sleeping around with some random dudes and going out on dates when he doesn’t want to do the same because he has a connection with me that he hasn’t had in a long time. He said that the connection has been there for a while. But, he said he wants me to explore this stage of my life and he doesn’t want me to feel any regrets, so he agreed we can take it slow and just enjoy each other even though he is reluctant to have me out there.

Just something that threw me off was when he said he had a connection with me for a while. He kind of just told on himself there. Because the last time I saw hm was 5 years ago, so he had a connection with me back then. I tried to press him on that and he said he didn’t want to pursue anything back then because I was too young (I was 20 at the time) and he was married. But he said he has always admire my outlook on life and who I am as a person is endearing for him and he loves being around me. But he hasn’t had romantic feelings until recently but had a connection with me for a while.

I think I am dragging out what he said about connection and making it a bigger deal than what it is in my mind as I am typing this because I got what I wanted. We are going to continue to date but not exclusively, so I can have fun with him and see if we work on a long term level with no strings attached.

Just a side bar, he also said my mom invited him over for Christmas, so he wanted a chance to connect to my son more since he hasn't gotten a chance to really see him. My son adores him in the short period that we were all together at my mom's house for her birthday. He is really great with him. All things aside, he really just fits right in with the family. And I know that even if we happen to not work out romantically. He will still be a great friend to me and my family.

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What would his son/your friend say about you dating his father?

I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do... I would run. There is no way that I would ever have sex or date the father of a friend. The fact that he is pursuing you in this way would be very concerning for me...

His son and I use to be close when we were younger. He lives in a different state and only comes down to NY for the holidays. I am not sure if he is coming down now with everything going on. But I already know it is going to be awkward because its taboo if my mom was sleeping with someone my age I would feel a certain type of way too. I should expect that if it does come out.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only you can decide if this was two lonely people comforting each other or something you can see going someplace.

Some factors may be if it's awkward for you with the rest of your family and friends.

Is the relationship hidden from them at this point?

Only time will tell if you were both filling voids or if things will work out given the family circumstances and life stage differences.

At this point no one knows what happened. But in time I know people will probably catch on like my mom. I shot myself in the foot when I was FaceTiming her this morning (we are early risers) and she said that she is inviting him over for Christmas. And I told her I know and already spoke to him about it last night. My mom reaction was like Oh! Like that "Oh!" means she knows something is up, and I tried to switch the topic and she kept going back to oh you spoke to him.

23 minutes ago, Kaarek said:

One quote that has always been stuck in my mind "Be careful what you wish for honey."

That's what a wise woman told me once. Don't let the emotions drive you, don't decide impulsively. Be conscious of your choices. You're 25 for God's sake. You can always meet a man around your age that will be equally charming, caring, and handsome. These small moments and choices often will determine your life's quality, so choose wisely, please.

Yes, I sure can find someone around my age. That is why I want to explore before locking myself into anyone. 25 year olds may not have the maturity and wisdom that this guy has or just the ability to read people like him. But what he is lacking is the ability to grow like me. I can grow leaps in bounds by the time I am 50. He can only grow a step or two if any.I think at his age you are pretty much set in who you are financially, spiritually, emotionally...you're done lol. That can be both a pro and con.

December 16, 2020

11 hours ago, Kai_Kai said:

... the whole age difference is what pulls me away because on a fundamental level we share a lot of similar qualities. We get along very well. I haven't had this ease since my son's father, who lack maturity, but this guy has everything I had with my ex, but also the maturity factor which is a huge plus. ........

Yes... the age thing can be a deal to many people. But as you are finding out... an older guy will be in a different mindset as other guys your age. Especially since you have a toddler. I've been watching a 28 year old female friend date, and almost all the guys she has gone out with still act like they are in collage. Something to consider

11 hours ago, Kai_Kai said:

.....So, I don't want to vocalize something that appears one way, but as I discover more of him on an intimate level I learn something new that I really like....... I love our effortless chemistry and connection. We have spent time together after we slept together the first time, so I am getting a glimpse of what it would be like and its breath of fresh air. I just wish he was like 30 years younger lol

The chemistry is the part that should tell you what you should do. You are scared because of the age... but like I've said in other threads... it's more important to be in the same "Stage" mentally. You are both adults, you have a toddler, and he is obviously "Fatherly" and ok with your kid. I'm not saying to just jump into a relationship with him... but give it a chance if it feels right, and put the age thing out of your head. (for now) Because... trust me... he is thinking about the same thing. (Being judged dating a much younger woman)

OK... truth be told... my current GF is 21 years younger than me. So, I have some experience here. We are both divorced. She left a guy who was a man child, and she was tired of being his mom. All the guys she knew were of the same mentality. We (re) met through a mutual friend, but I worked with both of her folks 20 years ago. (yes, when she was 6yo) So, over the years, we would bump into each other, and she know who I was. But the first time we got together... one on one... the conversation went on for 4 hours... and it was effortless. We didn't sleep together for a few weeks because we were both worried about the age gap. But eventually, it happened, and we have been happy ever since. (about 10 months now)

As far as what your family may think... well... you may be surprised. It was a worry to me... but honestly, my folks both think it's great. They just want to see me happy. Since he is already a family friend... that means your folks already like him.

With all that said... I'm not telling you to commit to him after one night. But give the relationship a chance. He may be who you and your kid need.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Blind-Sided

December 16, 2020

2 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

At this point no one knows what happened. My mom reaction was like Oh! Like that "Oh!" means she knows something is up.

Ok, you're worried about what family will make of this. Again. You need to ask yourself if you are in a lonely place. Also he's widowed and lonely, obviously. He probably misses sex. You probably do to.

How long has it been since you broke up with your child's father? How is your rapport with him? Have you dated since?

This may just turn out to be two warm bodies looking for a brief comfort.

December 16, 2020

7 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Yes... the age thing can be a deal to many people. But as you are finding out... an older guy will be in a different mindset as other guys your age. Especially since you have a toddler. I've been watching a 28 year old female friend date, and almost all the guys she has gone out with still act like they are in collage. Something to consider

The chemistry is the part that should tell you what you should do. You are scared because of the age... but like I've said in other threads... it's more important to be in the same "Stage" mentally. You are both adults, you have a toddler, and he is obviously "Fatherly" and ok with your kid. I'm not saying to just jump into a relationship with him... but give it a chance if it feels right, and put the age thing out of your head. (for now) Because... trust me... he is thinking about the same thing. (Being judged dating a much younger woman)

OK... truth be told... my current GF is 21 years younger than me. So, I have some experience here. We are both divorced. She left a guy who was a man child, and she was tired of being his mom. All the guys she knew were of the same mentality. We (re) met through a mutual friend, but I worked with both of her folks 20 years ago. (yes, when she was 6yo) So, over the years, we would bump into each other, and she know who I was. But the first time we got together... one on one... the conversation went on for 4 hours... and it was effortless. We didn't sleep together for a few weeks because we were both worried about the age gap. But eventually, it happened, and we have been happy ever since. (about 10 months now)

As far as what your family may think... well... you may be surprised. It was a worry to me... but honestly, my folks both think it's great. They just want to see me happy. Since he is already a family friend... that means your folks already like him.

With all that said... I'm not telling you to commit to him after one night. But give the relationship a chance. He may be who you and your kid need.

Awww this is sweet. Thanks for sharing your story. He gets along great with my son. As I mentioned before he fits right in with the family. But, we are going to take it slow and I don't want to lead him on by rushing into something that I am not ready for right now. I just want to enjoy his company and see where he fits long term versus going jumping in and realizing long term its not working.

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, you're worried about what family will make of this. Again. You need to ask yourself if you are in a lonely place. Also he's widowed and lonely, obviously. He probably misses sex. You probably do to.

How long has it been since you broke up with your child's father? How is your rapport with him? Have you dated since?

This may just turn out to be two warm bodies looking for a brief comfort.

I do feel very sheltered sometimes because of COVID. It's just not the same, and I don't think it will ever be, so I am accepting this new norm and feel a lot less lonely than I did a few months ago. My baby's father and I have an amicable relationship. We ended it on good terms. We haven't been intimate with each other in like a year, but I dated up until March-ish, but then it started to get super bad over here, so I stopped dating. I have not slept with anyone after my ex other than this guy. I have only had two partners in my entire life. My ex was my first, so Im not normally one to jump right into bed with anyone. But yet here we are....but I am entirely too busy to be lonely. I miss outside like before, but lonely....not really.

December 16, 2020

He used the "family friend" connection to railroad you into bed and now he is railroading you into an exclusive relationship.
You were the teenager and he was the adult and that dynamic will continue.
I think in view of the large age gap it is all a bit creepy.
Yes he may fit right into your family but they may change their mind spectacularly when they realise his real intentions...
Do not just assume they will be happy about this.
He is 54, on the cusp of being an old man, he may look great just now but biology is biology and the years will soon take their toll.
Too many younger women end up as carers to older men, great for him, not so good for her...

December 16, 2020

41 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He used the "family friend" connection to railroad you into bed and now he is railroading you into an exclusive relationship.
You were the teenager and he was the adult and that dynamic will continue.
I think in view of the large age gap it is all a bit creepy.
Yes he may fit right into your family but they may change their mind spectacularly when they realise his real intentions...
Do not just assume they will be happy about this.
He is 54, on the cusp of being an old man, he may look great just now but biology is biology and the years will soon take their toll.
Too many younger women end up as carers to older men, great for him, not so good for her...

I don't feel like I was railroaded. I wanted to do be with him romantically because we have a strong connection. I just don't want that commitment yet, and he's not pressuring me into it. Our age gap is pretty big and I don't know how my parents and family would respond. I know my mom would probably be more level headed than my father or brother.

December 16, 2020

44 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

I don't feel like I was railroaded.

Maybe not but it sure sounds like you were by the way you described it...

December 16, 2020

Here is advice I’m passing onto you from a coworker that just buried her ailing husband. Don’t get involved / married with/ to someone much older than you . You are only thinking of the here and now. Think of what’s it’s going to be like in 5, 10 years. You most likely be stuck with a man with mounting health issues, not being able to go out and do things or play with your son. Don’t do it.

December 16, 2020

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe not but it sure sounds like you were by the way you described it...

Yes it does have all the markings of predatory behaviour. It was a setup for sure. He texted late at night, the bait was a gift, met him out in his car to get you alone, you hugged him and took opportunity to kiss you, backed off and asked it it was ok to put you at ease, you gave him the green light to lure you back to his place , made sure he looked like he was safe by being gentle, after sex he played more on your vulnerability and got into saying he wants a relationship, making look more honest in his intentions.

Edited December 16, 2020 by smackie9

December 16, 2020

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Too many younger women end up as carers to older men, great for him, not so good for her...

This is so true. My Dad was a fit, handsome 70 year old when he married his 50 year old 3rd wife. Now 27 years later, she's taking care of a 97 year old man who had one leg amputated last year, dealing with the onset of dementia, as well as heart problems, bad moods, and jealousy. This has aged her quite a bit. Hey, but you decide OP.

December 16, 2020

On 12/16/2020 at 9:17 AM, smackie9 said:

Here is advice I’m passing onto you from a coworker that just buried her ailing husband. Don’t get involved / married with/ to someone much older than you . You are only thinking of the here and now. Think of what’s it’s going to be like in 5, 10 years. You most likely be stuck with a man with mounting health issues, not being able to go out and do things or play with your son. Don’t do it.

Yep. kai_kai is still a young, fertile woman and if she desires more children then getting serious with a man of 54 is a huge waste of her fertility, when she could be spending those years with a man she can build a family and a future with.

Edited December 18, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed external link

December 16, 2020

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is so true. My Dad was a fit, handsome 70 year old when he married his 50 year old 3rd wife. Now 27 years later, she's taking care of a 97 year old man who had one leg amputated last year, dealing with the onset of dementia, as well as heart problems, bad moods, and jealousy. This has aged her quite a bit. Hey, but you decide OP.

Ya my coworker was going to the hospital everyday for months on top of working full time. Her daughter just gave birth to their first grandchild and here was my coworker’s husband near death when he got to see it. Now my coworker is alone during Covid, not able to see her family because of the restrictions. Alone for Christmas. After he died she told us she regretted marrying much older and will never do it again. I thought you go girl.

December 16, 2020

59 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe not but it sure sounds like you were by the way you described it...

I was definitely hesitant initially, but I still made that choice.

46 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Here is advice I’m passing onto you from a coworker that just buried her ailing husband. Don’t get involved / married with/ to someone much older than you . You are only thinking of the here and now. Think of what’s it’s going to be like in 5, 10 years. You most likely be stuck with a man with mounting health issues, not being able to go out and do things or play with your son. Don’t do it.

Aging is going to happen regardless, so thats something to think of for sure when it come to a long term relationship. And am I willing to make that sacrifice decades prematurely, which is a huge commitment . That's something to think of...but we'll see. If you love someone I would think that taking care of them is not a burden. But, I have never had to take care of someone at that level. I take care of my son, but he has an active father in his life...grandparents, godparents...there are people who share the load.

41 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes it does have all the markings of predatory behaviour. It was a setup for sure. He texted late at night, the bait was a gift, met him out in his car to get you alone, you hugged him and took opportunity to kiss you, backed off and asked it it was ok to put you at ease, you gave him the green light to lure you back to his place , made sure he looked like he was safe by being gentle, after sex he played more on your vulnerability and got into saying he wants a relationship, making look more honest in his intentions.

That's twisted af lol.....I don't want to think about that. That would be messed up.

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is so true. My Dad was a fit, handsome 70 year old when he married his 50 year old 3rd wife. Now 27 years later, she's taking care of a 97 year old man who had one leg amputated last year, dealing with the onset of dementia, as well as heart problems, bad moods, and jealousy. This has aged her quite a bit. Hey, but you decide OP.

Geez, thats one heck of a burden I am sure. But that brings me back to if you love someone you will take care of them and have a team of people by your side to help you on an emotional level because I am sure being a primary caregiver to an aging spouse is lonely and stressful. But again, I never had to handle that burden so Im not sure what level of emotional assistance is required for that burden.

December 16, 2020

9 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

I was definitely hesitant initially, but I still made that choice.

I didn't say you didn't make a choice, but my contention is that you were railroaded into making that choice.

December 16, 2020

4 hours ago, Kai_Kai said:

But what he is lacking is the ability to grow like me. I can grow leaps in bounds by the time I am 50. He can only grow a step or two if any.I think at his age you are pretty much set in who you are financially, spiritually, emotionally...you're done lol.

Really! I'm 54 and I'm still growing- it all depends on the person

35 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

I am sure being a primary caregiver to an aging spouse is lonely and stressful. But again, I never had to handle that burden so Im not sure what level of emotional assistance is required for that burden.

Aren't you jumping ahead a bit here?!

December 16, 2020

1 hour ago, Kai_Kai said:

I don't feel like I was railroaded. I wanted to do be with him romantically because we have a strong connection. I just don't want that commitment yet, and he's not pressuring me into it. Our age gap is pretty big and I don't know how my parents and family would respond. I know my mom would probably be more level headed than my father or brother.

I agree with elaine and smackey that your family friend is exhibiting predatory behavior with the way he inappropriately lured you to have sex with him. Yes, you are 25. But, your #1 priority should be taking care of your baby - not having sex with a 60 year old man who is clearly using you for sex and trying to exert control over you to stop dating men your age, so that he can manipulate you emotionally into a very inappropriate relationship. It horrifies me to think you'd prioritize sex with him over taking care of your son. The fact that you just got into his car and took off with him, leaving your son behind at your mom's the night he came by to give you a gift for your son shows him to be a predator. And, it shows me that your son is not your first priority. Who just takes off and leaves their baby behind to go have sex with someone at night? That's not responsible at all. Did you tell your mom that you were leaving? Or did you just take off?

December 16, 2020

I agree with Elaine and watercolors. I dated a way older man once. We never had sex because gross, but I will say that men who date women much much much younger women are usually are doing it for sex reasons and will do or say anything to dip into or keep dipping into the honey pot

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

December 16, 2020

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

Really! I'm 54 and I'm still growing- it all depends on the person

Aren't you jumping ahead a bit here?!

I just feel like you're pretty much set in your ways at a certain point in your life. I was just addressing if that was to happen and the toll it would be.

32 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I agree with Elaine and watercolors. I dated a way older man once. We never had sex because gross, but I will say that men who date women much much much younger women are usually are doing it for sex reasons and will do or say anything to dip into or keep dipping into the honey pot

And thats not a bad thing. Im open to it just being about sex, but he is the one that brought up a different path. So, that I something else to consider that I want to be open about to, but take it slow.

December 16, 2020

48 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I agree with elaine and smackey that your family friend is exhibiting predatory behavior with the way he inappropriately lured you to have sex with him. Yes, you are 25. But, your #1 priority should be taking care of your baby - not having sex with a 60 year old man who is clearly using you for sex and trying to exert control over you to stop dating men your age, so that he can manipulate you emotionally into a very inappropriate relationship. It horrifies me to think you'd prioritize sex with him over taking care of your son. The fact that you just got into his car and took off with him, leaving your son behind at your mom's the night he came by to give you a gift for your son shows him to be a predator. And, it shows me that your son is not your first priority. Who just takes off and leaves their baby behind to go have sex with someone at night? That's not responsible at all. Did you tell your mom that you were leaving? Or did you just take off?

-sigh- I knew this accusatory take care of your kid tone would happen lol. My mom always told me after me and my ex broke up to take care of myself. Kids will grow up and leave the house and then you are left alone. I have every right to pursue whomever I want because I have needs to. My mom dated after she divorced my dad during my entire childhood. I am not the type of mom that is going to completely let myself go to take care of my son because I had an example that proved that you juggling both and be a great mom.

My son was well taken care of at my mother's house. If I personally felt like leaving him would have caused him great harm or greatly inconvenience my mom I would have not gone. But, my son was so happy to see his grandmother, he was not thinking about me. I didI text my mom and told her where I was going and asked if she was ok with watching her grandson. She did not skip a beat and was fine with it. If she said she was tired, I would have ended the conversation right there and handled my child. When I came back my son was more fixated on the gift than me.

December 16, 2020

I’ve got a slightly different take on this to the majority opinion.

It’s difficult to meet and date someone who, a) you know you can trust, b) who you know is a good person and will treat you right and c) who will accept your child from the offset. You also have a great time together by the sound of it ... I so wish these sort of opportunities would just fall into my lap, but unfortunately they do not.

Let me ask you this question; if he was not the long term family friend would you be giving him a chance at a relationship? The answer to that question should tell you something.

The age gap is not ideal but if both you and he can accept it and are happy together then why not? There are so many things to worry about what it comes to picking a suitable partner. Some things are just not worth worrying about.

A Good man is worth his weight in gold, specifically one who has your best interests at heart.

If you want to be with him, be with him is my advice.

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I slept with a family friend who is 20+ years my senior and now he wants a relationship…

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