I slept with a family friend who is 20+ years my senior and now he wants a relationship…

[Kai_Kai]

Title….tells a good chunk of the story.  So, COVID really messed me up. I went from social to anti social in a matter of months. I worked from home, I take care of my son, and had barely any contact with the outside world. So, when things started to relax, my mom started to be more open with me coming over. And I jumped at the opportunity to see my mom whom I haven’t seen at the time in over  6 months because the Spring here was very bad. In late November , I went over to her house for her birthday and she invited a very close family friend who I haven’t seen in about 5 years. When I saw him I was excited because we had a good relationship in the past, so we hugged and we talked for hours. He told me his wife passed away from breast cancer 3 years ago, so thats why he went AWOL after his wife diagnosis and passing. I really missed his companionship because he was always a lot of fun and fit right in with the family. His son and I use to be really close and we fell off because he moved out of state. But, him and his son were really a huge influence in my life for almost a decade until life got busy and we couldn’t see each other like before and then COVID hit, so naturally no one was  meeting up like before.

 

I am going to circumvent back to my mom’s birthday party. He had to leave early to handle some personal business and gave me his number to stay in touch. I decided to sleep over at my mom’s house with my baby(well toddler) since she hasn’t seen her grandson in a while. Around like 7PM that night, I got a text from him saying it was nice to see me and he had a gift for the baby that he forgot to give to me. I told him I was staying at my mom’s ‘house, so he said he’ll stop by that night to drop it off. So, when I came out of the house when he showed up he was still in the car and I got in.

 

We started talking again and then I reached out to give him a side hug and a kiss on the cheek, but he moved and we ended up kissing. I stopped immediately and started to apologize and he said its ok and pulled me closer to continue to kiss me. After a while it started to progress to him touching me and I felt weirded out initially because we have such a long history. I guess he felt me being hesitant, so he asked if I wanted to go further and I don’t know why,  but I told him yes. We drove back to his house and we tried to be more intimate there. But it felt again so awkward at first because he lives in the same house I had a lot of memories with him as the family friend not a lover. But, when I put aside his age and the history as a family friend the awkwardness went away because he’s a great looking guy. He is charming and very easy going. I love his humor and laugh. So, when I started to focus on that it made intimacy amazing with him.  He literally catered to me to make sure I was comfortable, which I appreciate. After we had sex, he said he wanted to pursue a relationship with me to see where it goes, which I was shocked about because I thought it was just going to be about sex. I told him I wanted time together to see if that's something that makes sense for both of us.  Part of me would like to try it to see where it goes (what’s the worst that could happen) another part of me feels like there’s a million red flags. This happen almost 3 weeks ago and here we are in December and I still did not give this man an answer. I keep pivoting around being in an exclusive relationship with him. We did have this time to interact more and I am really started to fall for him even more. He makes me feel very secure, when we are together its not just about sex we really do have a great time with each other. But, a part of me is nervous to exclusive date him.

 

Should I just throw caution to the wind and just go for it? I mean the very worst that could happen is my mom and some annoying family members  throwing me shade for a while, but they'll get over it. Sometimes the best advice comes from people who are not emotionally invested in the situation, so here I am. 

 

[Bandit123]

10 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

Should I just throw caution to the wind and just go for it?

 

Only you can answer that.

20 years his junior, I'm sure he feels like he has hit the jackpot, no wonder he wants to lock you down ASAP. No doubt he will always make you feel secure, provide for you, be a gentleman etc as he has the experience. Not to mention at his age it's a much better option to get with someone that he has history with already, as opposed to someone brand new.

Question really is how do YOU feel about him. Forget about the age gap and what family/friends will think. Do you feel like he can potentially be 'the one' to spend the rest of your life with? Or is it just the attention after having little contact with the outside world? Are you both compatible on a fundamental level, with your life values, goals? Is he happy to be involved in your son's life, as off course he is your priority? Basically would you be happy with him being the last man you ever date?

Putting all that to the side, agreeing to be exclusive is not a life sentence to be together for ever. You can still carry on seeing him, getting to know each other more on this new deeper level and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, then you can end things, without regret.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're trying to answer a question you cannot answer. You do not know if you want to pursue something. You are still disoriented by this family friend coming on to you. 

The basic answer to him is "I don't know." That's your first step. And that's a legit conclusion. You just “met” this guy as a lover. One time. Now your second step would be to vocalize all your red flags. Don't suppress them, don't avoid them. Vocalize them--at least to yourself but possibly also with him. You have to work with the feelings you have. We get in major trouble by moving deeper into relationships (even friendships) with people that we don't really feel comfortable getting close to.

Let's go one step further back. In the story above, you are passive. You seem to take no initiative. You are shocked and then you go with his lead. This is quite common here--lots of us do this at some point--but you were acting like a little kid waiting for an adult to tell you what to do. You are the adult. You have to decide. Express even awkward thoughts. Like you want to say "I don't know about pursuing anything further" and you wanna say, "I thought this was just ex. I wasn't expecting more." SAY THAT! This is where you are, and you have claim that. If the relationship can work, it has to  fit with where you are--not where you're pretending to be. So don't be afraid to vocalize your uncertainty, your hesitation, your confusion. Vocalize ALL of that!

Now to answer your question more bluntly, no you do not want to commit to an exclusive relationship with him, because you've only been romantic-sexual with him one time. You don't know enough about him in this new role to commit to anything. The most you can do is say you're open to meeting again. You can tell him you want to go slow. Now, I should note that often when people say they want to go slow, what that really means is that they do not want to pursue romance. 

So, you have to pursue this as if that night was your first date. We don't make decisions on commitments after one date--or usually we don't. We have to get to know the person and see them in different contexts and let them see us in different contexts. We have to ask questions and listen carefully and pay attention to how we're feeling and notice what thoughts are coming into our minds. Him as a lover is really a new person for you. 

Did he literally ask for a commitment? If so, that was dumb on his part and that's a red flag. He should know it's way too early for you to commit to something.  This experience might just remain as a one-time wild fling. And that's fine. 

Now we're back to the basic question: do you want to see him even for a second date? And if so, what would feel comfortable for a second date?  You comfortable sleeping with him again? If you keep going the passive route, I can guarantee you he'll bring you back to his place for a replay.  I say don't do that if you really want to get to know him. There's always time for sex, no need to rush. You might need five-six dates with this guy to figure out what you want. 

One thing to consider: people we know as friends we tend to judge one way. If we become lovers, we judge them by very different standards. Which is why no matter how fantastic a person he is, you don't want to assume dating him would work out. One step at a time. What do YOU want? And then there is the politics here. Some people would be bothered by doing this with a long-time family friend or someone much older. Others would not.  So even if you want a second date, do you want it badly enough to work the potentially awkward politics?

The question this experience is asking you: do YOU want (not passively go along with)--do you WANT a second date with him? And what kind of date would you feel comfortable with? You're an adult. Time to express your voice, take some charge, make some decisions and step up. Going along with someone else's fantasy---that rarely works out. 

 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Kai_Kai]

18 minutes ago, Bandit123 said:

Only you can answer that.

20 years his junior, I'm sure he feels like he has hit the jackpot, no wonder he wants to lock you down ASAP. No doubt he will always make you feel secure, provide for you, be a gentleman etc as he has the experience. Not to mention at his age it's a much better option to get with someone that he has history with already, as opposed to someone brand new.

Question really is how do YOU feel about him. Forget about the age gap and what family/friends will think. Do you feel like he can potentially be 'the one' to spend the rest of your life with? Or is it just the attention after having little contact with the outside world? Are you both compatible on a fundamental level, with your life values, goals? Is he happy to be involved in your son's life, as off course he is your priority? Basically would you be happy with him being the last man you ever date?

Putting all that to the side, agreeing to be exclusive is not a life sentence to be together for ever. You can still carry on seeing him, getting to know each other more on this new deeper level and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, then you can end things, without regret.

 

I agree because we have history it makes things so much more easier with him. Honestly, the whole age difference is what pulls me away because on a fundamental level we share a lot of similar qualities. We get along very well. I haven't had this ease since my son's father, who lack maturity, but this guy has everything I had with my ex, but also the maturity factor which is a huge plus. Hmmm this really got me thinking. Great Advice!! 

[Mrin]

How old are you/him?

[FMW]

I agree that you should treat this like any other guy you are trying to figure out if you want to see again.  Take your time and don't rush into anything.  

The issue with what your mother and other family members might think is something that shouldn't stop you from seeing him, but take your time and figure out what you're really feeling for him before bringing them into the picture.  

[Alvi]

49 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

We started talking again and then I reached out to give him a side hug and a kiss on the cheek, but he moved and we ended up kissing. I stopped immediately and started to apologize and he said its ok and pulled me closer to continue to kiss me. After a while it started to progress to him touching me and I felt weirded out initially because we have such a long history. I guess he felt me being hesitant, so he asked if I wanted to go further and I don’t know why,  but I told him yes. We drove back to his house and we tried to be more intimate there.

Just curious, what about your toddler? Did you go outside to get a present from this guy and never came back till much later?  Did you tell your mom that you suddenly had to leave and asked her to babysit her grandson? lol Also, your mom didn't want you to come and visit her with our son for month but she was totally OK inviting someone whom she hasn't seen in five years?

[Kai_Kai]

21 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're trying to answer a question you cannot answer. You do not know if you want to pursue something. You are still disoriented by this family friend coming on to you. 

The basic answer to him is "I don't know." That's your first step. And that's a legit conclusion. You just “met” this guy as a lover. One time. Now your second step would be to vocalize all your red flags. Don't suppress them, don't avoid them. Vocalize them--at least to yourself but possibly also with him. You have to work with the feelings you have. We get in major trouble by moving deeper into relationships (even friendships) with people that we don't really feel comfortable getting close to.

Let's go one step further back. In the story above, you are passive. You seem to take no initiative. You are shocked and then you go with his lead. This is quite common here--lots of us do this at some point--but you were acting like a little kid waiting for an adult to tell you what to do. You are the adult. You have to decide. Express even awkward thoughts. Like you want to say "I don't know about pursuing anything further" and you wanna say, "I thought this was just ex. I wasn't expecting more." SAY THAT! This is where you are, and you have claim that. If the relationship can work, it has to  fit with where you are--not where you're pretending to be. So don't be afraid to vocalize your uncertainty, your hesitation, your confusion. Vocalize ALL of that!

Now to answer your question more bluntly, no you do not want to commit to an exclusive relationship with him, because you've only been romantic-sexual with him one time. You don't know enough about him in this new role to commit to anything. The most you can do is say you're open to meeting again. You can tell him you want to go slow. Now, I should note that often when people say they want to go slow, what that really means is that they do not want to pursue romance. 

So, you have to pursue this as if that night was your first date. We don't make decisions on commitments after one date--or usually we don't. We have to get to know the person and see them in different contexts and let them see us in different contexts. We have to ask questions and listen carefully and pay attention to how we're feeling and notice what thoughts are coming into our minds. Him as a lover is really a new person for you. 

Did he literally ask for a commitment? If so, that was dumb on his part and that's a red flag. He should know it's way too early for you to commit to something.  This experience might just remain as a one-time wild fling. And that's fine. 

Now we're back to the basic question: do you want to see him even for a second date? And if so, what would feel comfortable for a second date?  You comfortable sleeping with him again? If you keep going the passive route, I can guarantee you he'll bring you back to his place for a replay.  I say don't do that if you really want to get to know him. There's always time for sex, no need to rush. You might need five-six dates with this guy to figure out what you want. 

One thing to consider: people we know as friends we tend to judge one way. If we become lovers, we judge them by very different standards. Which is why no matter how fantastic a person he is, you don't want to assume dating him would work out. One step at a time. What do YOU want? And then there is the politics here. Some people would be bothered by doing this with a long-time family friend or someone much older. Others would not.  So even if you want a second date, do you want it badly enough to work the potentially awkward politics?

The question this experience is asking you: do YOU want (not passively go along with)--do you WANT a second date with him? And what kind of date would you feel comfortable with? You're an adult. Time to express your voice, take some charge, make some decisions and step up. Going along with someone else's fantasy---that rarely works out. 

 

 

 

I hear you on your perspective on this. But, I really don't know what I want right now. So, I don't want to vocalize something that appears one way, but as I discover more of him on an intimate level I learn something new that I really like. But because I vocalize too soon it appears like Im not interested. I do really like him. I love our effortless chemistry and connection. We have spent time together after we slept together the first time, so I am getting a glimpse of what it would be like and its breath of fresh air. I just wish he was like 30 years younger lol

[Kai_Kai]

1 minute ago, Alvi said:

Just curious, what about your toddler? Did you go outside to get a present from this guy and never came back till much later?  Did you tell your mom that you suddenly had to leave and asked her to babysit her grandson? lol Also, your mom didn't want you to come and visit her with our son for month but she was totally OK inviting someone whom she hasn't seen in five years?

LOL I'll clarify. I came back later with his gift, which was a tablet so he was sold. My mom was just so happy to have her grandson she really did not care where I went or for how long. She knew I was with someone she trusted, so she didn't really look at me cross eyed when I came back in. I did text her as I was on my way to his house. I  think my mom got COVID fever and needed some interaction. We live in NYC, so COVID was rampant in the spring, so to have it decrease as significantly as it did, she felt more comfortable. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Again, decide if you want a second date with him. That's it!

If you cannot decide, then that means the answer is "no."

 

[Kai_Kai]

6 minutes ago, FMW said:

I agree that you should treat this like any other guy you are trying to figure out if you want to see again.  Take your time and don't rush into anything.  

The issue with what your mother and other family members might think is something that shouldn't stop you from seeing him, but take your time and figure out what you're really feeling for him before bringing them into the picture.  

I figured out how to answer 2 people at the same time  I mean if it was another other guy aside from age and history I would just have taken it slow and get to know him. I definitely put the whole cart before the horse by sleeping with him, but I felt more comfortable with him than a stranger naturally. Because we have history makes it complicated. 

8 minutes ago, Mrin said:

How old are you/him?

I recently turned 25 and my post said he is 20 + years older emphasizes on the plus, which is why things complicated because I've known him since I was a teenager, which is why I am like fixated on the fact that we have history.  I'll just pull the mental bandaid and get use to saying his age, but he's 54. But he looks great. He is very fit and takes good care of himself. He looks better than some 30 year olds out here. 

[Miss Spider]

Your choice, go with how you feel but sounds creepy to me 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Kai_Kai]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Again, decide if you want a second date with him. That's it!

If you cannot decide, then that means the answer is "no."

 

That sounds so simple. But yeah,  I totally cool with a second, third, fourth, fifth date....but he is talking about just dating each other exclusively and no one else. Just seeing if WE work out without any outside influences of dating other people.  I don't think I can commit to that. But dating with no strings attached...cool. But, I should be telling him that lolol

[Miss Spider]

Yes, it’s completely normal to want to get to know someone first. He sounds desperate. 
 

just tell him that you want to go slower first. I’m sure he’ll be fine with it. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You tell him "no," you cannot commit to an exclusive relationship. You never commit to be exclusive after one date, and you barely know this guy as a potential lover.

His asking you for a commitment immediately is a major red flag.

I'm not sensing you really are interested here. When people are interested, they don't have to ask questions of other people. 

[Kai_Kai]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Your choice, go with how you feel but sounds creepy to me 

This made me laugh, but its all good 

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes, it’s completely normal to want to get to know someone first. He sounds desperate. 
 

just tell him that you want to go slower first. I’m sure he’ll be fine with it. 

Yeah! I feel like part of me is scared of what would be the outcome. Would we no longer be friends and amicable to each other. But if I communicate effectively enough he should respect what I have to say and not be petty about it. 

[Ruby Slippers]

11 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

That sounds so simple. But yeah,  I totally cool with a second, third, fourth, fifth date....but he is talking about just dating each other exclusively and no one else. Just seeing if WE work out without any outside influences of dating other people.  I don't think I can commit to that. But dating with no strings attached...cool. But, I should be telling him that lolol

Just be careful. Sounds like he'll be ready to propose within a few dates and you just wanna have fun. Some of the most heartbroken posts I've read on this forum are from older men whose much younger girlfriends eventually get bored and dump them to go explore. Any mature man should be aware of the inherent risk in this situation, but a lot of them seem to reason at the level of a teenage girl in these big age difference relationships. So don't pretend you want more commitment than you do at any point.

[Kai_Kai]

3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You tell him "no," you cannot commit to an exclusive relationship. You never commit to be exclusive after one date, and you barely know this guy as a potential lover.

His asking you for a commitment immediately is a major red flag.

I'm not sensing you really are interested here. When people are interested, they don't have to ask questions of other people. 

Hmmm you have a point. It is a red flag, I think I need to talk to him and ask him why he wants to jump to being exclusive so quickly. Is it because we known each other for so long, but like you said having a friend for almost 10 years versus a lover is entirely different playing field. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Ask him, but that's not important. He'll make up some reason. Decide if that reason works for you. I don't think ANY reason justifies this request. There is no explanation--it's desperate and manipulative. 

[Kai_Kai]

13 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Just be careful. Sounds like he'll be ready to propose within a few dates and you just wanna have fun. Some of the most heartbroken posts I've read on this forum are from older men whose much younger girlfriends eventually get bored and dump them to go explore. Any mature man should be aware of the inherent risk in this situation, but a lot of them seem to reason at the level of a teenage girl in these big age difference relationships. So don't pretend you want more commitment than you do at any point.

Oh no  I don't want to lead him on in that way. He has already had a loss in his life, I don't want to be another hurtful loss but in a different way. 

[Ruby Slippers]

2 minutes ago, Kai_Kai said:

Oh no  I don't want to lead him on in that way. He has already had a loss in his life, I don't want to be another hurtful loss but in a different way. 

Yes, that's why I said be careful. Take your time. He's clearly already 100 times more invested than you are. 

[FMW]

Has he dated anyone else since his wife died?  If not, that might be part of his rush, he might just be really excited to feel something for someone again.  

[Mrin]

If you need a diplomatic way of saying it just say, "not being exclusive right off the bat is a matter of principle for me. And you, sir, have yet to completely woo me"

The old fart in him will appreciate that logic. 

[Kai_Kai]

17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes, that's why I said be careful. Take your time. He's clearly already 100 times more invested than you are. 

Absolutely. I will tread lightly with him So he knows exactly where I stand without any confusion.

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

Has he dated anyone else since his wife died?  If not, that might be part of his rush, he might just be really excited to feel something for someone again.  

Actually, he has not and that was 3 years ago. You bring up a great point, that would explain why he is jumping with both feet. 

3 minutes ago, Mrin said:

If you need a diplomatic way of saying it just say, "not being exclusive right off the bat is a matter of principle for me. And you, sir, have yet to completely woo me"

The old fart in him will appreciate that logic. 

LOL you're wrong for that. But, I like the first sentence. I feel I can definitely incorporate that to my whole speech I am going to give to him later. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Kai_Kai said:

But, I really don't know what I want right now.

Figuring that out is what "taking things slow" is for.

According to wikipedia about 1% of relationships involve a husband 20 yrs+ older than the wife (the data they have is for married hetero couples). So it's rare, but certainly not unheard of - if you put 1% of US married couples all into the same space it's a LOT of people.

Edited December 16, 2020 by mark clemson