Girlfriend goes to a stranger guy's house with her girlfriends without letting me know although she knows I suffer paranoia and trust issues.

[Hiroki]

Me and my girlfriend been dating almost a straight 5 months and everything is going not bad (besides she's a bit irresponsible and we've argued about it) but anyway, she knows I have trust issues and said she's going to help me with it, because I have got cheated on in my previous relationship but for your information, I really love her and care about her. She has eating disorder ever since she was young and ever since we met, I tried my best to take a good care of her and safe to say, she has gotten better now. Whenever it comes to my trust issues and paranoia behaviours, she gets very impatient. So yesterday, she went to a guy's house who she doesn't even know with her girlfriends without letting me know and I asked her why didn't you let me know then she was like "I wanted to tell you when I'm back home" (I'd be grateful if she can shoot me a text before she leaves). So I was wondering if I made this a big of deal out of my paranoia or she should've at least let me know where she was heading? I don't want my trust issues and overthinking to sabotage our relationship. Despite people saying if you don't trust your partner, you don't love her but it really not the case because deep down I know I love her and care about her. Should I go seek professional helps?

[Bandit123]

Do you normally always tell each other when you are going out and where to and with whom? If yes and this was an isolated incident then you did nothing wrong by telling her you would appreciate a text before she leaves.

If on the other hand you don't usually tell each other where you are going, and the only reason you got upset about it this time is because it was a guy's house, then yes you made a big deal.

Either way all it needs is a conversation with her, then move on.

Putting this specific issue to the side, your trust issues and paranoia are your problem to deal with and you should 100% seek professional help. Your previous relationship and what happened during it, should have no bearing on whether you trust your current girlfriend or not. You should have entered this relationship with a clean slate, with no pre judgements about what your girlfriend may or may not do, because of what your ex did.

It's all nice saying you truly love and care about her, but the fact is you do not trust her. Without trust there is no relationship. Carry on like this, and it's only a matter of time until she gets tired of your insecurities and ends this relationship, which will 100% be your fault. Your choice.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Bandit123

[Hiroki]

@ Bandit123

We normally do tell each other when we're going out and where to and with whom.

I understand everything you have just stated but she gets angry and upset whenever we're having this type of conversation and we will just ended starting an argument. 

I guess I am insecure but how can I improve it? I'm not from the local and I can't really afford finding a therapy because I don't have my coverage.

[Bandit123]

7 minutes ago, Hiroki said:

@ Bandit123

We normally do tell each other when we're going out and where to and with whom.

I understand everything you have just stated but she gets angry and upset whenever we're having this type of conversation and we will just ended starting an argument. 

I guess I am insecure but how can I improve it? I'm not from the local and I can't really afford finding a therapy because I don't have my coverage.

I am not surprised it always ends up with an argument, as I'm sure she feels you do not trust her.

The only way to improve it is to change your mindset.

Think about this for a moment: 

Let's assume your girlfriend is a cheater, just like your ex, and she is going to cheat at you on some point in the future. You can't change that fact as you cannot control her actions. It's going to happen either way. What you can control, are your actions.

You have two options; you either trust her so have a good relationship, don't get paranoid every time she goes out, don't ask questions all the time about who she is with and why and where and get upset if she doesn't tell you every fact, don't ask who is every single male in her life. She still ends up cheating. OR you do the opposite, you do not trust her so have a bad relationship, you get paranoid every time she goes out, question who is every male in her life, always assume she is going to cheat. She still ends up cheating. With both options, the final result is the same, she cheats.

Now assume she is NOT a cheater, and will never ever in a million years cheat on you. Again you have the two options. Trust her, have a good relationship, or do not trust her, have a bad relationship. Result is still the same; she does not cheat on you.

So now tell me, is it better to trust and have a good relationship, or not trust and have a bad relationship (your actions which you can control), regardless of the fact she may or may not cheat on you (her actions which you cannot control)?

It's a no brainer.

[Miss Spider]

You’re making a big deal out of nothing because of your trust issues. most people don’t report every little thing they do when they are out with their friends. However, if this is something you want her to do to help with your trust issues then she can agree to do that for the future. If that helps you maybe she will. Talk to her.
 

Things going  “not bad” in a five month relationship sounds not good at all....

[Hiroki]

17 minutes ago, Bandit123 said:

I am not surprised it always ends up with an argument, as I'm sure she feels you do not trust her.

The only way to improve it is to change your mindset.

Think about this for a moment: 

Let's assume your girlfriend is a cheater, just like your ex, and she is going to cheat at you on some point in the future. You can't change that fact as you cannot control her actions. It's going to happen either way. What you can control, are your actions.

You have two options; you either trust her so have a good relationship, don't get paranoid every time she goes out, don't ask questions all the time about who she is with and why and where and get upset if she doesn't tell you every fact, don't ask who is every single male in her life. She still ends up cheating. OR you do the opposite, you do not trust her so have a bad relationship, you get paranoid every time she goes out, question who is every male in her life, always assume she is going to cheat. She still ends up cheating. With both options, the final result is the same, she cheats.

Now assume she is NOT a cheater, and will never ever in a million years cheat on you. Again you have the two options. Trust her, have a good relationship, or do not trust her, have a bad relationship. Result is still the same; she does not cheat on you.

So now tell me, is it better to trust and have a good relationship, or not trust and have a bad relationship (your actions which you can control), regardless of the fact she may or may not cheat on you (her actions which you cannot control)?

It's a no brainer.

Thanks. Your answers really enlighten me. One more questions, how do I not get paranoid?

[Bandit123]

1 minute ago, Hiroki said:

Thanks. Your answers really enlighten me. One more questions, how do I not get paranoid?

By knowing your own self worth. By knowing that you are a great guy, an amazing guy in fact. If she cheats, it is HER loss, not yours. She would be missing out on getting to have you in her life. If she is prepared to give up on having you in her life by cheating, then she is not worth having in YOUR life.

You want to be with someone who appreciates you for you, who values you, and would never do anything to lose you. Best way to find out if someone is that person? Trust them completely. If they end up betraying that trust, well you have your answer. If they don't betray that trust, well you get to spend a life full of happiness with them. Either way; trust them.

[Hiroki]

11 minutes ago, Bandit123 said:

By knowing your own self worth. By knowing that you are a great guy, an amazing guy in fact. If she cheats, it is HER loss, not yours. She would be missing out on getting to have you in her life. If she is prepared to give up on having you in her life by cheating, then she is not worth having in YOUR life.

You want to be with someone who appreciates you for you, who values you, and would never do anything to lose you. Best way to find out if someone is that person? Trust them completely. If they end up betraying that trust, well you have your answer. If they don't betray that trust, well you get to spend a life full of happiness with them. Either way; trust them.

Thank you Bandit123, you're a life saver!

Edited December 16, 2020 by Hiroki
off topic

[Wiseman2]

Ok, 5mos dating is a good time to observe and reflect on the relationship.

Your past and "paranoia" is not her problem to fix. In fact you're being controlling and using excuses to do that.

She can do whatever she wants and so can you. All you have to agree on is exclusive dating and boundaries.

If you believe she's lying or sneaking around, just cut your losses.

It's that simple. In the meantime get help for the "paranoia" and controlling behaviors.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Miss Spider]

You might need CBT or some thing as well to combat your anxiety issues. I know it can be hard to do alone because our brain is very wired for patterns. It is wired to see patterns and to repeat patterns. Also, jealousy is quite normal as well. So it can be particularly hard to combat this level  of jealousy

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[smackie9]

Ummmm you are not her father she doesn't have to let you know her whereabouts unless you are expecting her to show up. You are only dating and it's been only 5 months ,....with this girl you are way in over what you can handle. To me you sound like a rescuer but it comes at a cost to her. She keeps doing things you don't approve of, and you feel you need to constantly correct her. That isn't a relationship. that's just toxic go nowhere dating. We can't control what she does and nor can you. Don't like it, dump her because that's what dating is all about....you find out what they are like and if they don't make you happy and fulfilled, you are wasting your time. You go find someone who does. Love ain't got nothing to do with it....at all. You need a sense of self worth and respect. She isn't giving you any of that.

[ShyViolet]

Your paranoia and insecurity is not her problem, it's YOUR problem.  She cannot help you with it.  You need to work on your issues.  You are being controlling.  She does not have to report to you every little thing she is doing and every person who she is with.  You're going to lose her if you don't stop this behavior and get help for your issues.  Get yourself into therapy.

[kismetkismet]

Having "trust issues and paranoia" doesn't give you license to control her behaviour. She is not responsible for your irrational emotions and her reporting her every move to you isn't helping your trust issues, it's enabling them. 

[central]

If she had told you, would you have been okay with her visiting this friend with her female friends?  Or would you have insisted she not go?  If you'd have made an issue of it, then I can see why SHE doesn't want to deal with YOUR issues.  Those are your problems to work on.

[kendahke]

maybe she's sick of the choke collar galling her neck...

Her going WITH HER FRIENDS is not the same as her going there alone--clearly, one of her friends knew this person, so what's the issue?

your trust and paranoid issues are for YOU to work out, not her.  If you dont' trust her, then why are you with her?

Edited December 21, 2020 by kendahke

[d0nnivain]

Yes you should see professional help.   Your trust issues are your problem not hers. 

She may have an eating disorder but you, her relatively new BF of only 5 months, have zero responsibility for her.  It's not your job to address her disorder.  You probably don't have the professional qualifications to help her.  It's not about food.  If you do have advanced degrees in medicine then you have no business dating a patient. 

She's your GF not your daughter.  She does not need your permission to go anywhere.  She was perfectly within her rights to go with her friends anywhere she pleased, even to the home of a man she didn't know.  Whether that was wise from a general safety perspective of with Covid may be debatable but in college & my 20s I ended up all sorts of crazy places.  It was fun.  It certainly didn't mean I messed around with every guy whose home I entered.  

The fact that you are already arguing about what you deem to be her irresponsibility doesn't bode well for the longevity of this relationship.   She's going to get sick of you trying to control her real fast.  Get a handle on your paranoia or else it will doom this & any future relationships you try to have.  

[Millennial]

On 12/15/2020 at 11:41 PM, Hiroki said:

So I was wondering if I made this a big of deal out of my paranoia 

Probably making a big deal, yes. 

Although I don't see why everything is someone is mentally ill or one or the other has something wrong with them. If one is the type who likes jumping in with new people, then it's probably going to get on the nerves if the other doesn't and vice versa. More of a compatibility thing.

Edited December 21, 2020 by Millennial

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, Millennial said:

Probably making a big deal, yes. 

Although I don't see why everything is someone is mentally ill or one or the other has something wrong with them. If one is the type who likes jumping in with new people, then it's probably going to get on the nerves if the other doesn't and vice versa. More of a compatibility thing.

The reason I suggested getting some help was because it seems to be a slight more than just ‘normal’ jealousy & stems from past trauma. It seems to be negatively interfering with his life to the extent that he doesn’t trust his gf to even go over to another guys house with friends without reporting and is considering sabotaging  his relationship. Idk. But I don’t think someone has to suffer with this.