I found out from someone else the man I'm dating has been married. Why didn't he tell me this and should I confront him about it or wait for him to bring it up?

[poppyfields]

Clovergirl, what would your response have been had he disclosed this, say on dates 1, 2 or 3?  

Would you have negatively judged him for it?  

Reading your posts, it sounds like the fact he's been married troubles you.  Maybe even more so than the fact he didn't tell you. 

Why?  What would be the difference in your mind between being married for one year and being in love and in a serious relationship for five years?  

Would you consider being married more of a red flag than the serious relationship?

I'm trying to determine what's actually troubling you about this.

Your posts seem a bit over the top imo.

No it wasn't right he didn't tell you.  Ask him why he didn't and tell him moving forward, you prefer open and honest disclosure, which includes you too.

He should know that you have no relationship history to speak of, that's equally important imo.

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

13 minutes ago, Clovergirl said:

I agree I am not going to find a 30 year old man with no relationship history, and I need to accept this.

I date mostly guys above 30 and none of them have been married before.  I prefer not to date divorced men.  I am not saying that it necessarily is their ‘fault’ or that they have so much ‘baggage’ they have to pay $200 extra when they fly, but to me, a failed marriage does say a little bit about them. It may not be horrible or anything but  if I can date men that are not divorced/whose parachute didn’t fail, I’ll just do that. I am sure there are a lot of people that would feel the same about you because you’ve never had a relationship before and there’s probably a grain of truth to it in general. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[serial muse]

OP - I'm confused about what you've told him about your own past. It sounded like you said you haven't brought up yours, and it does seem to me that his lack of disclosure about his divorce isn't any worse than your own reticence. I do think it's a little weird that it never came up that he was married before, but I also get the sense that maybe you two haven't had much in the way of heart-to-hearts about relationships, so maybe it's not that weird after all. 

It seems to me like maybe this is telling you that it's high time to have a more open, frank discussion with him. In ten dates, yes, I would have already expected it to come up, but I don't necessarily see it as a red flag all on its own; there are too many other possible variables here. You're not "official" yet (what does that mean? meaning not exclusive? are you intimate?) and I guess one question is whether that's both of you, or just him, or just you, and how you'd decide when to take that step. Openness about past relationships is clearly one of the baselines for that. But you need to be as open as you expect him to be. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by serial muse

[Miss Spider]

I don’t see how it is “weird” at all that he didn’t bring it up. He was intentionally withholding the information because he didn’t want to have the conversation about his recently failed marriage where he was cheated on. That’s not fair to OP,of course, because it would perhaps influence her decision to keep seeing him, but it’s not weird that he hid this at all. People obscure the truth for their own benefit all the time. Having a conversation about being more open with someone that does this doesn’t accomplish much except show some naivety.  If a person does  lies/hides things, it’s not because they didn’t already know you would have preferred transparency. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I don’t see how it is “weird” at all that he didn’t bring it up. He was intentionally withholding the information because he didn’t want to have the conversation about his recently failed marriage where he was cheated on. That’s not fair to OP,of course, because it would perhaps influence her decision to keep seeing him, but it’s not weird that he hid this at all. People obscure the truth for their own benefit all the time. Having a conversation about being more open with someone that does this doesn’t accomplish much except show some naivety.  If a person does  lies/hides things, it’s not because they didn’t already know you would have preferred transparency. 

I dunno, my fiance didn't feel all that comfy about disclosing certain issues from his past until after I assured him I would never negatively judge and created an environment within which we both felt comfortable disclosing sensitive issues from our past.  

It builds intimacy and trust.  

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Clovergirl]

Had he told me on date 3 I would have kept seeing him, and its not like I've decided to end things now with him. I do really like him, and he has a lot of very good qualities that I am after in a partner. I  would not have liked the fact that he has been married before any more than I do now, and in an ideal world, I'd rather end up with someone who had not had another partner for many years, but I know thats not likely when people get over 30. This is something I have to live with. On the other hand, had I meet someone online who looked promising and then told me they were divorced before I'd ever had a chance to bond with them in person, I'd have most likely lost interest. Like @Shortskirtslonglashes said, I'd prefer to date a man who has not been married before. 

[Miss Spider]

@poppyfields I believe that withholding info , for whatever reason, from a person that you are dating knowing it may have a have big impact on the their  decision to date you is deceitful. Person may not feel it is time to say something very personal, But 10 dates is plenty of time to tell someone they have been married before. People are it entitled to put up with any amount deceit that they want to. I am just trying to tell OP that I don’t think she should. 

[Miss Spider]

I have no doubt that a person who would do this will have more red flags pop up here very shortly. 

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Clovergirl said:

Had he told me on date 3 I would have kept seeing him, and its not like I've decided to end things now with him. I do really like him, and he has a lot of very good qualities that I am after in a partner. I  would not have liked the fact that he has been married before any more than I do now, and in an ideal world, I'd rather end up with someone who had not had another partner for many years, but I know thats not likely when people get over 30. This is something I have to live with. On the other hand, had I meet someone online who looked promising and then told me they were divorced before I'd ever had a chance to bond with them in person, I'd have most likely lost interest. Like @Shortskirtslonglashes said, I'd prefer to date a man who has not been married before. 

I'm wondering why you never told him that you have no relationship history to speak of, serious relationships or otherwise.

Is that not sonething you believe he has a right to know? 

For me, I would be more concerned about that than a prior marriage, that he hopefully learned, grown and evolved from. 

Perhaps you view your no relationship history as not important, something that should not have to be disclosed.

Well perhaps he didn't or doesn't view a marriage that he has moved on from something to be disclosed, without  you having asked first.  

Not saying he was right to withhold, he wasn't.  Maybe just try seeing it from his perspective. 

Men are not our enemies.

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

@poppyfields I believe that withholding info , for whatever reason, from a person that you are dating knowing it may have a have big impact on the their  decision to date you is deceitful. Person may not feel it is time to say something very personal, But 10 dates is plenty of time to tell someone they have been married before. People are it entitled to put up with any amount deceit that they want to. I am just trying to tell OP that I don’t think she should. 

I'm not disagreeing with you and ideally he should have told her.  I've posted this. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Shining One]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I believe that withholding info , for whatever reason, from a person that you are dating knowing it may have a have big impact on the their  decision to date you is deceitful.

It's rather ironic to hear this from someone who doesn't let her boyfriends see her face. Do you disclose all of your relationship failures and anything else you may be judged negatively on to the men you date? I've never encountered a woman who does that.

[cbr600r]

There's too many unknowns to give any worthwhile advice. Maybe you should ask him why he didn't tell you instead of asking randoms on an internet forum.

Edited December 16, 2020 by cbr600r

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, Shining One said:

It's rather ironic to hear this from someone who doesn't let her boyfriends see her face. Do you disclose all of your relationship failures and anything else you may be judged negatively on to the men you date? I've never encountered a woman who does that.

I don’t know what you mean by not letting my boyfriend see my face? Are you referencing the joke I made in the other thread about my make up being on my face through my whole relationship even though it was smeared all over when I woke up?  Because just to be clear that was a joke...in case anyone else actually believed I never washed my face throughout my entire cohabitating relationship...

I disclose things that I may feel the man would view negatively  if I think that it would impact his decision to date me. I wouldn’t want to waste either of our time when this comes up and he chooses not to anymore. Being divorced is different than  having a failed relationship which is 100%  assumed when you are dating someone my age ..... 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Also @Shining One, if I thought that a little eyeliner, mascara,  and lipgloss being off/on was going to influence a man’s decision to keep seeing me I wouldn’t do it either.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

I guess the question imo comes to intention.  Was he intentionally being deceitful in not disclosing his marriage and divorce during these early stages?  When neither one initiated the conversation?  

That is a matter of opinion versus fact, as personally I don't see it as being intentionally deceitful just as OP was not intentionally deceitful in not disclosing her no relationship history.

Had she asked and he lied and said no he had never been married, that is intentional deceit.  

In my relationships, mutual histories eventually come up.  There has been no "right" time for when we are both comfortable discussing.   It's whenever we both feel comfortable.

OP, I realize a prior marriage is a possible dealbreaker for you, and that's your perogative.

But in my neck of the woods, so many people 30+ have been married and divorced, or previously engaged like myself (twice) it's almost to be expected. 

I don't consider it negative baggage or all that important.  As long as he has healed, learned and moved on, that is all that's important to me.

I actually view it as a positive, an opportunity to learn and grow, unless he's going on and on ad nauseam about how he hates his ex, how she cheated blah blah.  In that case, next.  

But it doesn't take a bad marriage for that to happen.  Plenty of men (people) feel that way after a six month relationship or even shorter.  

 

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Shining One]

42 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I don’t know what you mean by not letting my boyfriend see my face? Are you referencing the joke I made in the other thread about my make up being on my face through my whole relationship even though it was smeared all over when I woke up?  Because just to be clear that was a joke...in case anyone else actually believed I never washed my face throughout my entire cohabitating relationship...

My mistake, I thought you seriously went the extra mile to keep your face covered. Having encountered women who do that and the thread being started by a woman who does that, it seemed believable.

45 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I disclose things that I may feel the man would view negatively  if I think that it would impact his decision to date me. I wouldn’t want to waste either of our time when this comes up and he chooses not to anymore.

I suspect you're in the minority. I've dated dozens of women over the years and it's very, very rare for them to reveal the things I judge them negatively on.

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I guess the question imo comes to intention.  Was he intentionally being deceitful in not disclosing his marriage and divorce during these early stages?  When neither one initiated the conversation?  

That is a matter of opinion versus fact, as personally I don't see it as being intentionally deceitful just as OP was not intentionally deceitful in not disclosing her no relationship history.

Had she asked and he lied and said no he had never been married, that is intentional deceit.  

In my relationships, mutual histories eventually come up.  There has been no "right" time for when we are both comfortable discussing.   It's whenever we both feel comfortable.

OP, I realize a prior marriage is a possible dealbreaker for you, and that's your perogative.

But in my neck of the woods, so many people 30+ have been married and divorced, or previously engaged like myself (twice) it's almost to be expected.

I view it as a positive, an opportunity to learn and grow, unless he's goug on and on about how he hates his ex, how she cheated blah blah.  

And it doesn't take a bad marriage for that to happen.  Plenty of men (people) feel that way after a six month relationship or even shorter.  

 

 

Poppy, could he so socially inept that he cannot see that a prior marriage would have significance to a 26 year old, I guess.  I see it as a very small possibility at best, but not something I’d believe.  Marriage is a significant thing in someone’s life, at least in the western world. People typically only get married like once .... hopefully not twice in their life. 
 

Not to mention, op said there were opportunities where it should came up  have came up at some point anyway. He doesn’t have to be bitter about it to see it as a huge, recent part of his past and thus who he is now. This guy had been tiptoeing around this a huge part of his life. Why, if not out of fear of judgement? Maybe because it is too delicate /sensitive of a topic for him right now. Which is also a huge red flag, in my opinion. 

I respect everyone’s opinion, though. I guess it just comes down to opinion.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, Shining One said:

My mistake, I thought you seriously went the extra mile to keep your face covered. Having encountered women who do that and the thread being started by a woman who does that, it seemed believable.

I suspect you're in the minority. I've dated dozens of women over the years and it's very, very rare for them to reveal the things I judge them negatively on.

Oh no shiny.  Sorry. I don’t wear a lot of make up and the make up I do wear, there is no obfuscation. You can literally see there is mascara on my eye. A guy who is dating me is choosing to date a woman with mascara on her eye. 

 

The parallel between having 2 swipes of mascara on my face vs hiding a divorce what I just couldn’t see. 
 

It might be rare for people to tell the truth on dates. I don’t doubt it. I am the one telling people everything wrong with me on my dates

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Allupinnit]

What a weird thing to not know about someone after 10 dates...  

[poppyfields]

I don't view his non-disclosure as "social ineptness" shortskirts but respect your opinion that it is.

And I trust had she asked, he would have been truthful.  Or the topic would have come up eventually. 

shortskirts I live in an area where being divorced is the norm.  75% divorce rate.  It's not seen the same way you or others see it.

It's one reason why I hesitated getting married for so long.  It's just not viewed as the "happy ever after, till death do us part" where I live.  

In fact, my fiance and I will be writing our own vows, and leaving that out.  No judgments please.

We take marriage and commitment very seriously but most in my neck of the woods do not.  Marriage has become almost a joke of sorts, with so much cheating and such a high divorce rate, highest in the country, maybe even the world! 

So meeting someone who has been divorced?  Honestly, it's just not that huge a deal round here.  It's the norm.

Again, had she asked, I trust he wouid have been truthful.  

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Just out of curiosity, is that 75% a lifetime divorce rate or 75% by the age of 30? I would think that a person that is divorced already by the age of 30 is more likely to be a twice divorced in their lifetime than a person that is divorced at 55. 
 

But yea. I respect your opinion too, poppy.:)

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ironpony]

Maybe he is embarrassed about it perhaps?  I saw don't confront him in a mean way, but polite ask him about it, because you found out from someone else, if you think this would be a good idea?

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't view his non-disclosure as "social ineptness" shortskirts but respect your opinion that it is.

And I trust had she asked, he would have been truthful.  Or the topic would have come up eventually. 

shortskirts I live in an area where being divorced is the norm.  75% divorce rate.  It's not seen the same way you or others see it.

It's one reason why I hesitated getting married for so long.  It's just not viewed as the "happy ever after, till death do us part" where I live.  

In fact, my fiance and I will be writing our own vows, and leaving that out.  No judgments please.

We take marriage and commitment very seriously but most in my neck of the woods do not.  Marriage has become almost a joke of sorts, with so much cheating and such a high divorce rate, highest in the country, maybe even the world! 

So meeting someone who has been divorced?  Honestly, it's just not that huge a deal round here.  It's the norm.

Again, had she asked, I trust he wouid have been truthful.  

The reason I ask if it is lifetime 75% is because if it is, I live in an area that has a similar divorce rate. Maybe a tad smaller. The divorce rate is declining here, but unfortunately prior generations have kept it pretty high.

 

It does not stop the women who do not want to date divorce men from caring about it. Also , it is normal for people disclose  of prior marriages way earlier than 10 dates. So I can’t say that’s it. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

When I said baggage I meant more I don't want him to still be hung up on someone else and not ready to move on with a new relationship. and I'm starting to wonder if this is a reason he did not say anything. 

The fact he is hiding his marriage is baggage with a capital B...
The problem now is that had he told you on the first/second date "I was married, it didn't last long it was a mistake unfortunately"  end of conversation no issue. Anyone who was not keen on dating previously married people would have filtered him out with no time wasted.
Once you really got to know him he may have fleshed out some of those bare bones. All in all, no big deal.
Now because he has said nothing, the assumption is  that he was never married, but you know different and that signifies something is just not right here...
 

[Emilie Jolie]

On 12/15/2020 at 12:37 AM, Clovergirl said:

Why do you think he has not mentioned anything about this? Is it a red flag that he hasn't? I really like this guy and no reason to think he is not trustworthy

Only he knows why he hasn't mentioned it and if it's a red flag to you, then it's a red flag, no matter what people here think.

Does he come across as a very private person, who takes time to open up? Some people need a lot of time to feel comfortable enough to share personal stuff.

If he's not given you any reason to distrust him, gently shift the conversation to past relationships and see if he takes the bait. 

Also, some people need to be asked directly as they're not so good at taking cues.

And it's not because he's been divorced that he is particularly experienced - it might well have been his only long-term relationship, and he's a bit clueless at dating. You met organically, not on a dating site, so maybe he wasn't in the mindset to date.

Ultimately though, you need to decide what feels right to you, not what other people think is right