I found out from someone else the man I'm dating has been married. Why didn't he tell me this and should I confront him about it or wait for him to bring it up?

[Miss Spider]

Of course op not going to dump this blatant liar by omission 10 dates in, when it’s easier to do. Of course op is going to keep dating him because he’s “nice”. They’ll have a gentle conversation with him about it where he’ll say it was just a sensitive topic and he wasn’t sure if it was the right time. And he will continue to lie about significant stuff later down the road if it suits him. ‘Cuz that’s how liars roll

Edited December 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Of course op not going to dump this blatant liar by omission 10 dates in, when it’s easier to do. Of course op is going to keep dating him because he’s “nice”. They’ll have a gentle conversation with him about it where he’ll say it was just a sensitive topic and he wasn’t sure if it was the right time. TAnd he will continue to he lie about significant stuff later down the road if it suits him. 

I think this way too. 

OP, your lack of relationship experience works against you with guys like your current boyfriend, because he's clearly lied to you and knows that he can continue to lie to you, and then just gaslight you (undermine your self-confidence, call you 'dramatic,' invalidate your feelings 'you're overreacting') to keep you second-guessing yourself, and defer to him for what the truth is. 

OP, you should be upset at yourself for not asking him if he was married, and upset at your boyfriend for not telling you about his first marriage. Who's to say he won't lie to you about anything else he has in his past? Who's to say you won't stand up for yourself, because you are too scared to lose him, if you found out more about your boyfriend's past from others instead of from him? 

Use this r/s to practice speaking your boundaries with r/s partners. Don't approach the conversation about his marriage from worrying about his feelings. Approach it from a more self-empowered place of, I don't like the fact that you lied to me. This is not acceptable. If you lie to me again, this is the consequence..."  Because your boyfriend crossed a boundary of trust with you, by intentionally withholding such important r/s history as previously being married. If you let him off the hook for that, then you are teaching him that he can get away with anything, because you won't hold him accountable, for fear of losing him. 

[Miss Spider]

Yeah. Why do we need to ask everything to someone? With that logic he could have a very serious STD at this point and you didn’t ask him about it and haven’t had sex yet, what’s the big deal? There is a point, and it usually is earlier than 10 dates, when someone starts to get emotionally involved with someone and would probably like to know significant details about their past like if they were married or not. Past relationships details come out naturally. People know this and if they are honest, care for you, and see a future with you, they don’t want to hide it. They volunteer this information to you. 

Edited December 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[kismetkismet]

You should absolutely talk to him about it now, but it doesn't need to be a major 'confrontation.' I would just tell him that you found out, and you acknowledge that you haven't disclosed your own relationship history, but being married is a pretty huge thing and you're surprised that he hasn't mentioned it in the 6 weeks you've been together. Were you also intentionally avoiding talking about your own relationship history? I've never dated anyone and not had it naturally come up within the first few weeks - even if it's just casual or in passing. 

It wouldn't be an automatic dealbreaker to me, but it would be a pretty bad sign and something that I would keep an eye on. 

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yeah. Why do we need to ask everything to someone? With that logic he could have a very serious, transmittable STD at this point and you didn’t ask him about it so what’s the big deal? There is a point, and it usually is earlier than 10 dates, when someone starts to get emotionally involved with someone and would probably like to know significant details about their past like if they were married or not. He should have volunteered this information to you. 

Exactly It shouldn't just be the woman's responsibility to always have to ask the man all the important questions about STDs, if he was previously married, does he have children, etc. If that information isn't included in his dating profile (w/the exception of the STD that would be HILARIOUS), or he is intentionally withholds that information early on, then men who do that should be avoided like the plague. By 10 dates, OP, you should have already known your boyfriend was married and if he has any children from that marriage. If you continue to date him, you do so at your own risk. And I say that not dramatically, but matter of factly. I'm much older than you. Hiding a marriage from a woman you've slept with is a deal breaker for me. I would dump that guy faster than hair highlights. Because by lying to me like that, I know he cannot be trusted ever again. You don't lie about being married when you date someone, unless you have more to hide, and are of bad moral character. 

[Clovergirl]

I am annoyed at myself for not asking him these questions but yes, he should have volunteered this information. I did not bring up the relationship history talk because I've had guys find it strange I've never had a boyfriend and I feel self conscious about it. So I guess thats why I didn't bring this up. He was obviously deliberately avoiding the topic,  there were certainly opportunities where he could have mentioned something. Makes me wonder if he isn't over her or is ashamed of it or something. 

I don't know if its a deal breaker or not for me. Its changed my whole perception of him though. 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Yep You won’t believe how many stories I have read where a woman is 3-5 dates deep and the guy just  told her that he has kids. Does she break up with him? Of course not... because they “never asked”

Edited December 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Mrin]

No red flag here assuming his divorce wasn't recent. He probably figured you knew. You guys never talked about your histories which is sort of odd. I get it - you don't have a lot of experience. I think your plan is solid. See what he says. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Clovergirl]

@Mrin He did not figure I knew. Our mutual friends are more friends of friends, and I met him one of the first times I met them, rather than them arranging a blind date and telling me about him first. He had a responsibility to bring up past relationships too and I'm starting to feel pissed off he didn't and acted like he didn't have the baggage of a previous marriage even though there were no kids and it didn't last long. I know it must be difficult if hes been cheated on and hard to talk about and hes probably also got issues stemming from being betrayed but he should have mentioned that. 

Edited December 15, 2020 by Clovergirl
typo

[Mrin]

17 minutes ago, Clovergirl said:

@Mrin He did not figure I knew. Our mutual friends are more friends of friends, and I met him one of the first times I met them, rather than them arranging a blind date and telling me about him first. He had a responsibility to bring up past relationships too and I'm starting to feel pissed off he didn't and acted like he didn't have the baggage of a previous marriage even though there were no kids and it didn't last long. I know it must be difficult if hes been cheated on and hard to talk about and hes probably also got issues stemming from being betrayed but he should have mentioned that. 

Ok given that logic you also had a responsibility to tell him you've never been in a relationship before. That would matter a LOT to me. 

[Watercolors]

13 minutes ago, Clovergirl said:

@Mrin He did not figure I knew. Our mutual friends are more friends of friends, and I met him one of the first times I met them, rather than them arranging a blind date and telling me about him first. He had a responsibility to bring up past relationships too and I'm starting to feel pissed off he didn't and acted like he didn't have the baggage of a previous marriage even though there were no kids and it didn't last long. I know it must be difficult if hes been cheated on and hard to talk about and hes probably also got issues stemming from being betrayed but he should have mentioned that. 

So you met your boyfriend at a party where you were also introduced to friends of friends. What about your friends? Did they know him? So, nobody told you about him first? Still, at the party or even on your first date together, he owed it to you to bring up the fact that he was previously married. I'm watching the movie Hancock and there's the scene where Jason Bateman's character just found out Charlize Theron his wife in the movie, is an immortal and Bateman's character says, "That’s something you might want to bring up on a first date Mary. I don’t like to travel, I’m allergic to cats, I’m immortal, okay?"

Being previously married is a huge piece of emotional baggage. It speaks to his immaturity that he hid that HUGE piece of information from you. How he weasels out of that one, I can't wait to hear from you. What lie will he give you, for his reason for hiding it? "Oh, I didn't think it was that big of a deal because it was three years ago." Or something like that.

I can tell you are an empathetic person but you should not care about how hard his marriage and being cheated on was for him. What you need to focus on, is, the fact that he blatantly lied to you about being married.

[Bandit123]

6 weeks, 10 dates and he never mentioned the fact he used to be married? That's very bad on his part. He was hiding it for a reason. It only sets you up to have other things hidden from you.

Two of my exes had been married previously, and they told me within the first 1/2 dates.

If they or even my current girlfriend (who has never been married), kept something so significant to themselves for so long, it would absolutely be a deal breaker. I would be ending things. It's too big of an event to not mention at all and try to hide.

[Clovergirl]

@Watercolors yes we met at a party. I went with my friends and her new work friends, who I've since seen a few times at social things. He knows my friends co workers but my friend did not know him previously. We just started chatting then he asked me out. I never had a run down on his history from anyone, other than "hes a great guy and you'd be good together". The mutual people we know (and the guy who mentioned he's divorced) are his friends, not really mine as my other friend and I are new to this social circle, so not someone I'd have gone to to find out his background. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

I do not expect he had to mention it on the first date or go into the details straight away, . 

 I view this quite differently. Personally I would not continuing talking to someone, no less consider meeting them without basic stats like marital status, kids, job, location, etc.

These are not intrusive questions. These are very basic screening . Any who can't or won't be upfront about basics like marital status, having kids, general town/area they live, is a huge red flag

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Any who can't or won't be upfront about basics like marital status, having kids, general town/area they live, is a huge red flag

If someone's still married absolutely. Married in the past? I would only be vaguely interested in that. And I certainly wouldn't want to re-hash my years old divorce with a new partner, who wants to hear about all that!

[cbr600r]

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but maybe he didn't tell you because he knew it would lead to more questioning and probing from you, like what went wrong in the marriage, who initiated the divorce, and so on. There could be some massive mistakes he made in that marriage that he wants to hide from you, or painful memories that he wants to forget about. You might never know the real reason why he didn't tell you. 

[smackie9]

17 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

You are right. I am hurt he did not mention it but my lack of relationship history comes in to it. Maybe if I'd been in a long term relationship but not married I could relate more. Whilst I don't expect a 30 year old to have no past, it really bothers me he once loved someone else enough to marry her, when if we end up together, he'd be the only man I'd ever had.  I can accept him no longer having feeling for the ex and loving me completely, but the idea of having so many firsts and so many experiences with someone else really bothers me. 

But this is what it’s like and going to be like when dating as an adult. Lots of people dating will have been married before. The older you date the more likely they are divorced. If you are looking for firsts, then you better get into the habit of asking right away and or you date younger than yourself. 
He may have been turned down a lot due to others that feel the same as you. Kinda like single mothers not revealing they have a kid because that can be a dealbreaker to men. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by smackie9

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

But this is what it’s like and going to be like when dating as an adult. Lots of people dating will have been married before. 

I agree OP.  Unless you are 16 most people will have fallen in love with someone more than once, had a kid(s),  been married, etc.  It's not their fault that they have more experience than you.  I don't know how old you are but have you ever been in love?

[Clovergirl]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

But this is what it’s like and going to be like when dating as an adult. Lots of people dating will have been married before. The older you date the more likely they are divorced. If you are looking for firsts, then you better get into the habit of asking right away and or you date younger than yourself. 
He may have been turned down a lot due to others that feel the same as you. Kinda like single mothers not revealing they have a kid because that can be a dealbreaker to men. 

I know this is true. I do feel insecure about a future partners dating history but I know its not reasonable or fair on them. No I haven't been in love. I am 26.  I didn't get involved in the dating scene for a long time, then have focussed on studying a difficult course. In the past year I have been on quite a few dates, mostly people from online but I find I'm picky with people too, so often don't progress past more than a few dates with people, even if they are interested in me. I am attracted to men a bit older as they seem far less immature than guys younger than me which again, I know its very likely they have a history. 

 

39 minutes ago, cbr600r said:

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but maybe he didn't tell you because he knew it would lead to more questioning and probing from you, like what went wrong in the marriage, who initiated the divorce, and so on. There could be some massive mistakes he made in that marriage that he wants to hide from you, or painful memories that he wants to forget about. You might never know the real reason why he didn't tell you. 

I was feeling mad at him, then he started messaging me today and it reminded me how I do really like him, not that I'm going to just brush this aside.  I really do like this guy and apart from this he has given me every reason to think he is decent and trustworthy. I won't be seeing him in person for the next few days so will wait until the right time to ask about his marriage. If he was cheated on, maybe you are right @cbr600r and he does not want to be reminded of the painful memories (I'm not trying to ignore that there may be reasons the marriage ended that are his fault and he doesn't want to admit, I know that may also be the case). I suppose these memories would always be painful but I don't want this to be a sign he isn't over the ex or has too much baggage from being cheated on. 

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree OP.  Unless you are 16 most people will have fallen in love with someone more than once, had a kid(s),  been married, etc.  It's not their fault that they have more experience than you.  I don't know how old you are but have you ever been in love?

I agree with this.  Regardless of whether someone has been married, you will be hard-pressed finding a man 30+ who has no history of being in love and gotten his heart broken.  Or who doesn't have at least one serious relationship under his belt. 

I don't necessarily agree that prior relationship history, including a prior marriage, shoujd be discussed on first date.  It's not like being previously married is a red flag just like being in a prior serious relationship is not a red flag. 

I don't consider those things "baggage" necessarily like it's something to be viewed negatively.  

I would actually find it more concerning that a 30+ man had never been in love and had at least one serious relationship.  To me that would suggest possible commitment issues or other issues which are a red flag.  

Hopefully, he's learned from prior mistakes made in previous relationships and marriage and grown, evolved.  

That said, I would expect relationship history (his and yours) and the fact he's divorced to be mentioned within ten dates.  These are things that are organically brought up and discussed. 

It gives you both insight into what the other has experienced and what they have learned from it.  It creates and builds intimacy.

I would be concerned about it too, however if I really liked him and felt the connection was there, I'd ask him why he never mentioned and tell him that moving forward, you prefer open and honest disclosure.  That you would never judge him.  

Create a safe emotional environment for him to feel comfortable discussing sensitive issues with you.  

My fiance withheld some sensitive issues from me too, and that is how I handled it.   We have been together 3 years and getting married next year.  

Jmo and good luck whatever you decide to do. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

@Clovergirl I'm glad you are going to talk to him.  That said I caution you about continuing with him. 

I disagree with everybody, including you, who claims this man had a responsibility to tell you or any other new person in his life anything about his past.   It's in the past.  If something is important to you to know, you have the obligation to ask.  Nobody has the affirmative obligation to disclose.   People have a right to privacy.   Someone keeping their personal info private does not make them a liar.  

As for my advice that you should stop dating him, it's because you are very hung up on your comparative lack of a past & you put too much stock in all the 1st's this guy had with somebody else.  You will continue to dwell on this.  It's called retroactive jealousy.  It will erode & eventually destroy anything you try to build with him.  He can't change his past & neither can you.  

[Trail Blazer]

How it didn't come up in conversation after 10 dates is beyond me.  I guess if you guys never talked about any previous relationships, one could argue the context to bring it up wasn't there.

However, I find that to be highly unlikely.  Even if the topic of past relationships wasn't brought up, he should have mentioned something.  The only excuse to not bring it up is if he genuinely believed that you already knew.

[smackie9]

That’s the reality you are facing at the age of 26. Few to none will you be attracted to that’s never been with someone. And I don’t buy the excuse of studies made you unavailable for dating....what were you doing as a teenager? Even people with strict parents managed to have a bf. My firsts started when I 13 and I was a total geeky kid. You find yourself very insecure as a person? That would explain why you are in this position. I guess this is one of those things where you will have to learn and adapt to the reality that people fall in love more than once, to many times in their  life time dating.  You really need to get over it or it will interfere with you meeting a really great guy like this one.

what is going work is for you to stop putting first time everything on a pedestal. It’s not a golden chalice to behold. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by smackie9

[Clovergirl]

I agree I am not going to find a 30 year old man with no relationship history, and I need to accept this. I do not think he needed to tell me on date one, but I do think he should have at least mentioned something by now. I thought it was likely he had been in one or more serious relationships before I was just surprised to find out he had been married, which is probably why it is dwelling so much in my mind. 

I should have asked about his previous relationships before now but I agree with most of you he should have brought it up. 

@smackie9  I went to an all girls school and did not socialise a great deal with guys outside school. I've had male friends and have dated, just not really had relationships. I would not say I am an insecure person but maybe shy. I know multiple other people my age who also have not been in serious relationships, its not common but its certainly not that rare. 

[Clovergirl]

Look, I appreciate the men I'm interested in will have had pasts and I can appriciate that that has probably made them better communicators taught them how to act in a relationship. Yes I don't like  the idea of someone having been so in love with another before me, but I've said it would not be a dealbreaker. My main issues here is that he has not once mentioned anything about having been married or even  referenced an ex in passing, which I now think he was deliberately not mentioning unless I specifically asked. When I said baggage I meant more I don't want him to still be hung up on someone else and not ready to move on with a new relationship. and I'm starting to wonder if this is a reason he did not say anything.