I found out from someone else the man I'm dating has been married. Why didn't he tell me this and should I confront him about it or wait for him to bring it up?

[serial muse]

Yeah I agree that ultimately, a person's red flag is a person's red flag. But I admit that I still don't quite understand why it's worse to not reveal a divorce than to reveal no past history of dating. Neither is, IMO, a bad thing or needs to be a dealbreaker, but both can be very significant in terms of relationship expectations as well as baggage and so forth. It seems likely to me that this lack of openness with one another is directly tied to the unofficial status of their relationship. I'd honestly start there. And yes, just ask him, and be prepared to share your own story. Then you can decide if you still might want to be official. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by serial muse

[Miss Spider]

Xxxxx

Edited December 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Clovergirl]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I'm wondering why you never told him that you have no relationship history to speak of, serious relationships or otherwise.

Is that not sonething you believe he has a right to know? 

For me, I would be more concerned about that than a prior marriage, that he hopefully learned, grown and evolved from. 

Perhaps you view your no relationship history as not important, something that should not have to be disclosed.

Well perhaps he didn't or doesn't view a marriage that he has moved on from something to be disclosed, without  you having asked first.  

Not saying he was right to withhold, he wasn't.  Maybe just try seeing it from his perspective. 

Men are not our enemies.

Its not like I have zero dating experience, in the last year or so I have been dating alot, mostly from online and have seen one guy for 8 dates, who I liked initally but then just found there wasn't much spark, and another guy for 6 dates, plus multiple people I saw two or three times.. I was not intentionally hiding anything, but I do find it a bit awkward to mention I have not had a boyfriend before as other people seem to be really surprised by this. Prior to becoming intimate with this guy, I told him that whilst I was not a virgin, I had little sexual experience. To me, this would indicate I also didn't have much relationship experience.  Like I said, relationship history did not come up between us, but there were openings to mention a prior marriage or even having lived with an ex. For example, I told him about a family friend who was going through a divorce and he mentioned his parents divorced when he was the same age as my family friends son... surely this could've been an opening. 

I certainly was not deliberately withholding any information and did not think he did not have a right to know my relationship history. To me a prior marriage is a bigger deal than not having had a serious boyfriend in your mid 20's but maybe thats just me. 

I think  I asked about his past relationships he'd have told me. He does come across as a private person but I also think he must realise he has not told me this and should have by now, which bothers me as I do now wonder if he's got a pattern of withholding information or general communication issues. 

 

[Shining One]

10 minutes ago, Clovergirl said:

Like I said, relationship history did not come up between us, but there were openings to mention a prior marriage or even having lived with an ex. For example, I told him about a family friend who was going through a divorce and he mentioned his parents divorced when he was the same age as my family friends son... surely this could've been an opening.

You shared past relationship details about someone who wasn't you and he in turn shared past relationship details about someone who wasn't him. It looks like he was matching your level of disclosure exactly.

[Clovergirl]

1 minute ago, Shining One said:

You shared past relationship details about someone who wasn't you and he in turn shared past relationship details about someone who wasn't him. It looks like he was matching your level of disclosure exactly.

What do you mean by I shared past relationship details by someone who wasn't me? I agree I should have brought up this topic. But he had a lot more to disclose. 

[Shining One]

Just now, Clovergirl said:

What do you mean by I shared past relationship details by someone who wasn't me?

You talked about your family friend and he responded by talking about his parents. Instead, you should have talked about you, not the family friend. If he didn't talk about himself in response, then I would say he's deliberately hiding.

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Clovergirl said:

To me a prior marriage is a bigger deal than not having had a serious boyfriend in your mid 20's but maybe thats just me. 

Bingo. To you.  Maybe to him, you not having any serious relationships is a bigger deal than a marriage even though it's not to you. 

As I said, for me, a man not having had at least one prior long term serious relationship would be more concerning than a marriage/divorce.

That's me, and not everyone is gonna think like me, and not everyone is gonna think like you, and that's ok!

It's important to be flexible and not harshly judge anyone for not meeting your particular expectations based on how you think.

And just out of curiosity, since a prior marriage is so important to you, may I ask why you didn't ask him?  

It's not difficult, even the first date, to say "so what's your story, you ever been married?  Serious relationships?  A broken heart"?  Lol

Make it a fun and playful conversation, it doesn't have to be an interrogation.

Take responsibility for your own happiness.  Being previously married is important to you?  Then ask. 

It really is that easy. 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Clovergirl]

My main issue here is I was very surprised to learn he was divorced as I assumed (clearly wrongly on my account) that he'd have disclosed that even if I had not directly asked. It just did not occur to me he might have been married (again obviously it should have). My main issues here is I feel hurt he did not tell me, and maybe we aren't getting as close as I thought.  I have been open to him about other thing in my life, which were difficult for me to talk about and I told that I was telling him something that was difficult to talk about, he responded very nicely and has been open about other things. 

[Acacia98]

I think two things are going on in your situation, OP.

One is that the guy omitted to mention something that should ordinarily have come up in conversation. I think that means something: namely, that he feels ashamed about being a divorcee. Is that a problem? Potentially. It suggests to me that he has not made peace with his relationship history. And that could result in emotional baggage impacting his relationship with you.

The other thing is that you deliberately avoided asking him about his relationship history because you are (seemingly) ashamed about your own relative lack of experience. As different as your pasts are, you are engaging in similar behavior: lying by omission, avoiding topics that make you uncomfortable. I think your behavior is potentially as concerning as his. You're both undermining your budding relationship. So you really shouldn't develop a grudge against him.

However, it is fair for you to decide you're not right for each other (for whatever reason). I guess what I'm trying to say is, you always have the right to end the relationship if you want to (don't let us guilt you into staying if your instincts are screaming you should leave), but be kind to him about the subject. Don't confront him or accuse him. Bring it up in a normal, neutral conversation.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Acacia98

[basil67]

In my view, disclosing after 6 weeks is acceptable.  Disclosing after 6 months is not.   

I understand that you disclosed things which are difficult to talk about.  And I understand - I've always been a very open book myself.  But others need to develop trust before they disclose.   Have you considered that rather than him not being close to you, him talking about it now means that he's gained enough trust in you to do so?  

All in all though, the upshot is that you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker.  If he's an otherwise great guy, is it worth ending things (because what other outcome could your inaccptance lead to?) over him waiting a bit to tell you?  

 

[poppyfields]

Clovegirl, something I have learned throughout all my relationships is that if you want a man to feel comfortable opening up to you about sensitive issues, and maybe to HIM his marriage/divorce is a sensitive issue, then try opening up to him first.   Set the bar.

I really do think in time he would have told you, but you are right, for some reason after 10 dates, he is not there yet.  Another poster mentioned that as well, the fact neither of you feel comfortable discussing these issues, which includes you not asking and your own dating history, speaks to the dynamic you’ve established thus far, which imo sounds a bit cold.  Non-intimate.  Superficial.  On both your parts.

My fiancé and I may not need a lot of together time, as much as other couples, but we are close, we are intimate, we are connected.  We feel comfortable discussing any subject, past histories, no matter how sensitive.

We established this dynamic very early on, and I attribute that to me, by asking questions, opening up about myself, making it feel safe for him to open up about himself.

Many people, men and women, are so fearful of being negatively judged, that they hesitate opening up.  I understand that and try to not judge, criticize.

Instead of taking it so personally, and negatively judging him, or deeming him “deceitful,” try understanding and cutting him a bit of slack.  I highly doubt he meant to hurt you.

And going forward, if there is anything you want to know about him, simply ask.

Edited December 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

@Clovergirl, just ask him.  All of these guesses and reading other's strong opinions on the subject are only going to make you more unsure and paranoid.

You don't have to hide that it bothers you, just don't go on the attack, as @d0nnivain explained.  

You have never asked about his previous relationships, so it's not unreasonable that he might think those things don't matter to you and so he's in no hurry to bring it up until he sees how things progress with you. Not everyone approaches dating the same way, not everyone goes at the same pace.  

It's good to get other opinions, but the bottom line is what do you think - is this enough for you to stop seeing him?  There is no right or wrong answer to that, just YOUR answer. 

 

[salparadise]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I'm wondering why you never told him that you have no relationship history to speak of, serious relationships or otherwise. Is that not sonething you believe he has a right to know? For me, I would be more concerned about that than a prior marriage, that he hopefully learned, grown and evolved from. Perhaps you view your no relationship history as not important, something that should not have to be disclosed.

Yea, these questions are starting to get to the gist of  it all. This is definitely a curious sort of thread.

First, there seems to be a presumption on the part of the OP that a previous marriage is something negative, shameful, unusual... and secondly, that the entire world sees it exactly the same way, a universal understanding. And third, that he has an inherent obligation to spread all of his stuff out on the table for her to examine prior to her investing a few weeks getting acquainted (and *sleeping* with him), while she doesn't see her own stuff as consequential, and does not have the same obligation regardless.

It's as if he's supposed to provide a full resume with his application, in order that he can be quick judged, but isn't entitled to ask any questions. And now he's being judged for not having done that correctly. 

OP, do you view a man who has been previously married as damaged goods? Sort of like if a woman wasn't a virgin... complicated by the sin of not discussing that shameful little tidbit? It's just weird that so much emphasis is being put on any aspect of this. You avoided the history conversation and you got no history. Simple as that.

[salparadise]

A few years ago I met a local woman on a dating site, chatted a bit, and then we met up for a coffee date type of thing. During the conversation she alluded to something about her first husband, and I asked, "oh, so there has been more than one?" She said yes, but let's not get into that now. So I let it go and we got together again a week or two later. Then there was another reference to one of her ex-husbands, so I decided to stop the conversation and told her I wanted to know exactly how many ex-husbands there were. The answer was FIVE! And not only that, but when she named them several of the names were somewhat familiar... high profile hell raisers from back in the day. Men whose names everyone recognized because had been convicted of crimes and gone to prison and so forth.

So the guy was married once OP? No big deal. Just thought I'd give you a bit of perspective. And, if you're insisting on a man with less experience, there are several very nice ones here on the forums with relationship history more similar to yours. All in all, I think you just need to take a chill pill and quit assuming whatever it is that makes you feel that having been married is something monumental, in a not so good way.

Edited December 17, 2020 by salparadise

[smackie9]

Ok so bottom line you see this guy has poor communication,  isn’t quite honest/ forthcoming and is divorced. Those seem like dealbreakers.

But on the other hand you are realizing you shouldn’t be too quick to judge because he’s turning out to be a great guy. 
 

The decision is yours now. 

[Lance Mannion]

On 12/14/2020 at 8:27 PM, Clovergirl said:

However, I've never been in a serious relationship before and I'm struggling with the thought of ending up with someone who had been so in love previously and been through the whole proposal, engagement and wedding thing with someone else when I've very little relationship history to compare it to. 

This is a very legitimate issue for you to be concerned about so you really should know your own mind on this, leave no doubt about how you feel.

On 12/15/2020 at 8:42 AM, elaine567 said:

I don't think anyone needs to share their complete relationship history in minute detail, but to omit to mention significant events like a marriage and hopefully a divorce is a bit of a red flag I think.

Some can look at this as the man omitting the information but I suspect that he's delaying talking about this because it's such a downer for him and he's waiting for a better moment.

On 12/15/2020 at 8:42 AM, elaine567 said:

I am beginning to think that a man who has been cheated on may not be a good bet either.

I think that there are two sides to this issue. He carries emotional damage from that betrayal and he brings that into his future relationship. That's the easy one to identify.  On the other hand, he's more cognizant than most guys about how a marriage can go askew, how feelings need to be tended to rather than letting matters go on auto-pilot, and his heart is vulnerable and the right woman can bring down his barriers and reach deeper than would be the case with a normal guy. What I'm talking about is he may have a deep desire for a woman to prove his ex-wife wrong, to be the woman he really wants and desires, to help heal him and thus bond to him at a deeper level that is normally the case. The new wife redeems him from his pain and women from not being trusted.

On 12/15/2020 at 8:42 AM, elaine567 said:

Women tend to cheat because they are not happy and that is often due to neglect and a lack of connection and poor communication skills in their man.
Here this guy is showing a lack of communication regarding his marriage. Something that should have been mentioned very early doors, he is an adult after all.
Proceed with caution.

WHAAAT?  OMG, the total removal of agency from his ex-wife here is astounding. Blame the victim, but only if he's a man.

On 12/15/2020 at 1:59 PM, Clovergirl said:

I do not expect he had to mention it on the first date or go into the details straight away, and I can understand it must be very difficult for him to talk about. But by this point he should have brought it up.

I suspect you're not seeing the full picture, you know about the betrayal as a mere event, so you're kind of looking at the shadow of the event, all detail and color and features stripped away, seeing only a black outline cast on a wall. That man was completely emasculated, his self-esteem shot to hell, his woman preferred another man over him, she lied to him repeatedly, perhaps she brought that other man into their home, into their bed, perhaps she had sex with the OM and then came back home to her husband and had him perform oral sex on her, pulling a silent power trip on him. Many people report that the psychological harm of betrayal inflicted on the betrayed spouse is the equivalent of PTSD, and there actually is a condition called Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. This is serious stuff.

This means that it's going to be a MAJOR downer for him to talk about it honestly with you. It's not some abstraction for him, he's been having flashbacks, mind movies, all sorts of triggers for years. When he talks about it it is going to be a serious emotional event for him, probably not breaking down or anything, but certainly not going to be a matter-of-fact event told with total emotional calmness. So he's not trying to lie, he's waiting for a moment where the relationship is serious enough that he hopes you can both power through a mini-crisis of sorts. He is a changed man from this event. A part of him was damaged, maybe it's repaired, maybe he can't be repaired, or maybe only you can repair him, and thus make him yours in a way which counteracts your concerns about his already having been married. More on this down below.

On 12/15/2020 at 1:59 PM, Clovergirl said:

I feel like I had a right to know this before starting to get emotionally attached to him, which I am now. I should have also brought up previous relationships before now, and have learnt to do this in future.

This is going to have to be resolved. I wouldn't think of it as hiding this information from you, I suspect your quarrel here is going to pit you wanting the information early so that you could make an informed decision on the relationship and him wanting the relationship to be sound before he dumped some toxic crap onto you. This history of his does not have to be toxic in your relationship with him, but you're going to see a man who has been put through hell and he carries that with him. He wants you to accept him and does not want to be embarrassed in front of you for having been emasculated by his ex-wife. In other words, your right to know vs his wanting to protect his ego until he was confident enough to bare his soul to you. This is not simply a recitation of events, this is heavy stuff.

On 12/15/2020 at 1:59 PM, Clovergirl said:

You are right. I am hurt he did not mention it but my lack of relationship history comes in to it. Maybe if I'd been in a long term relationship but not married I could relate more. Whilst I don't expect a 30 year old to have no past, it really bothers me he once loved someone else enough to marry her, when if we end up together, he'd be the only man I'd ever had.  I can accept him no longer having feeling for the ex and loving me completely, but the idea of having so many firsts and so many experiences with someone else really bothers me. 

I wrote earlier that you have every right to expect the man you commit to to share many of these firsts with you. Totally fine. Totally understandable. And there are men out there who have never been married. So there are other choices for you.

That said, this man could present a unique case for you that other men cannot actually match. The infidelity he suffered has tainted every single memory he has of his ex-wife. He is not looking back fondly at their history. He's also probably not looking back at all because there is zero pleasure in looking back. Another man, never having married but having had past relationships, will also have experienced many firsts with his earlier women and many of those firsts are going to be remembered pleasantly and so those memories will be a part of him and something that you may feel you need to compete with.

Short of finding a guy who is like you, a man with limited relationship history, this trauma of his may be just the ticket to elevate the significance of the firsts you're going to share with him. You could be his redeeming angel, his life was stripped of color from the trauma of the infidelity he suffered, you could be bringing that color back to his life, all of your firsts will actually rewrite those firsts he had with his ex-wife.

Something like this plays out with many men who marry women with pasts. In the wife's memories are all of these firsts with their past men, the husband can't ever replace those firsts, so he tries to screw his wife in ways that the bests overwrite the firsts, and sadly, these husbands mostly fail, bests don't overwrite firsts. Your case though be primed enough to actually be different in that he's desperate to erase those firsts with the ex-wife. Sometimes couples reconciling from infidelity try to do the same, they go to the hotels used in the affair and make new memories, go to the restaurants, go to the same beaches, they are trying to reclaim and overwrite and if the wayward spouse is truly remorseful and is disgusted by the memories of the affair, then they stand a good chance of having a successful reclaiming project.

On 12/15/2020 at 2:40 PM, Clovergirl said:

He was obviously deliberately avoiding the topic,  there were certainly opportunities where he could have mentioned something. Makes me wonder if he isn't over her or is ashamed of it or something. 

I don't know if its a deal breaker or not for me. Its changed my whole perception of him though.

Or something. I suspect that you lack the vocabulary to understand what he went through, the emotional vocabulary. The effects of infidelity on the betrayed spouse are often a shocking surprise to the confessing wayward, they have a front-row seat to the after-effects and they can't believe the depth of trauma they're witnessing and many don't actually get it beyond a mere intellectual awareness, so it's not surprising that most people who've never actually intersected with these events have a shallower understanding of what those betrayed spouses endure.

On 12/16/2020 at 8:42 AM, Clovergirl said:

When I said baggage I meant more I don't want him to still be hung up on someone else and not ready to move on with a new relationship. and I'm starting to wonder if this is a reason he did not say anything. 

I doubt he's hung up on a cheating ex-wife. Emasculation is a pretty big deal for dudes. He's probably waiting for the right time to lay down this heavy news on you.

On 12/16/2020 at 10:25 AM, poppyfields said:

I guess the question imo comes to intention.  Was he intentionally being deceitful in not disclosing his marriage and divorce during these early stages?  When neither one initiated the conversation?  

I wouldn't even call this deceit, probably waiting for the right time because he knows that it has to come out eventually, so he's not intending to deceive.

[smackie9]

Why not just ask him about it, and see where it takes you. You can say you were disappointed with him for not telling you, and confused as to why he wouldn't say anything. Keep it simple and straight forward....clear the air about it, then carry on.

[poppyfields]

On 12/22/2020 at 6:29 AM, Lance Mannion said:

I wouldn't even call this deceit, probably waiting for the right time because he knows that it has to come out eventually, so he's not intending to deceive.

To clarify, I did not call it deceit either, I was responding to another poster(s) who did.

I don't think he withheld because it's a downer for him to talk about either.  I mean it may be which would be understandable but that's not the reason, imo.

I think he simply did not feel the level of comfort with the OP to disclose.  Since she never asked about his history, he may have felt it wasn't important to her.  

It was, but he's not a mind reader; that's why it's important to ask questions, people complain about that all the time

[edited to remove inappropriate language]

Here, he did not ask her about her history either, which speaks to their dynamic - together.  Which to me, based on their mutual discomfort with asking some hard questions, sounds cold and superficial at least thus far. 

It's been 10 dates, one has to wonder what they do talk about?

Anyway, if there is any blame to be assessed, it's on both of them.

Franky, it doesn't sound like there is much there for either to continue.

Edited December 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropriate language

[Clovergirl]

UPDATE: I spoke to him about it

I did not confront him but brought it up nicely, saying what I heard his friend say.

He said yes, he was married but not for long. I told him I was surprised to hear that, as I’d imagined he had ex girlfriends but thought he’d have mentioned a marriage. I said, I know we haven’t discussed past relationships, but why didn’t you tell me this?

He said he was going to tell me.  He said he did not want it to define him. He said he is over her, he seemed a bit embarrassed about it. He didn’t say much more at that time and seemed quick to change the conversation. I didn’t push it. I told him I hadn’t been in a serious relationship. He said reassured me that was fine.

About a week later though, he opened up more, after quite a few drinks. He  told me he found out his ex was having an affair only a few months after their wedding, and later found out she’d been sleeping with this guy on the side since they were engaged. They’d been together for 5 years and got married at 26. I could tell he was upset. He was saying he never saw it coming, and felt so inadequate and confused afterwards. He says he hasn’t seen or had any contact with her since the divorce was finalised.

@Lance Mannion Thank you so much for your words it really helped me when I signed back in and read it.

I feel like he’ll always carry that betrayal with him to some extent. 

On 12/22/2020 at 5:29 PM, Lance Mannion said:

That said, this man could present a unique case for you that other men cannot actually match. The infidelity he suffered has tainted every single memory he has of his ex-wife. He is not looking back fondly at their history. He's also probably not looking back at all because there is zero pleasure in looking back

I've been thinking about this and surely he must still look back positively on some memories, earlier on in the relationship. Or would literally everything be tainted for him. 

I can accept he has a past, it is easier now I have heard it from him and know a bit of the story. I was just very surprised to find out from someone else he’d been married. I really do like him. I still think he should have told me this earlier  but can now see its obviously a touchy topic. He seems otherwise committed to starting a relationship with  me and I do want to see how that goes.

I'm confused as to why someone would get married when they are already unfaithful. It seems pretty obvious to me though it can't signal red flags against him, its not like he had a chance to be a terrible or neglectful husband for years which pushed her away. If he was that bad a partner why did she marry him? Maybe they were happy when they got engaged but things changed and she went along with the wedding anyway? I don't know. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Clovergirl said:

I'm confused as to why someone would get married when they are already unfaithful.

When people get caught between two lovers, it is usually because neither is really "enough" for them, neither is the real deal..
She was engaged yet was not fulfilled enough to be true to her fiancé. Some other guy captured her attention, but because he was not "enough" either, (not "enough" to leave an engagement for anyway), she juggled the two of them.
She did a cost benefit analysis and stuck with the fiancé and married him. There could have been all sorts of pressures on her to do that, from friends and family, cost implications, culture, religion or she just wanted to get married no matter what... who knows?
The other guy I guess knew about the arrangement, so was either happy to play along or he thought she was actually going to leave at some point so was biding his time.

The problem you have is that her betrayal will have affected this man you are now dating and by the sounds of things is still upsetting him.
It may be you that has to pay  the price of that unfortunately.
It would be easy to go "poor thing" and get very involved.
"What a horrible woman I will kiss you all better" kind of an idea, but sometimes the more intelligent thing to do is to just walk away.
Hurt people, hurt people and playing the "saviour" is often a thankless task.
Once healed and strong again, they tend to ditch their "saviour" and never look back...

[Clovergirl]

I could tell it was difficult for him to talk about and clearly it still pains him. He otherwise seems a great guy and seems understanding towards me and committed to being with me. I don’t feel like he is distracted when we are together. I do now feel sad that he’s been so hurt. I want a relationship with him and it’s now been a few years since his break up with his ex but I hope this isn’t too much baggage in the long run. 

[trident_2020]

4 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

I'm confused as to why someone would get married when they are already unfaithful. It seems pretty obvious to me though it can't signal red flags against him

Well, it could signal a red flag against him. If his story doesn't make sense, it might not be completely true.