I found out from someone else the man I'm dating has been married. Why didn't he tell me this and should I confront him about it or wait for him to bring it up?

[Clovergirl]

I'm 26, he's 30. We met through mutual friends. We have been seeing each other for 6 weeks and been on about 10 dates. He has said he is looking for a relationship and things seem to be progressing well between us but we are not yet official. We have not spoken about past relationships and whilst I thought he probably has exes and may have been in long term relationships before, I never imagined he'd been married. I thought he would have mentioned something that big and am hurt he hasn't. A mutual friend mentioned in passing (assuming I knew this) that he was married and his wife cheated. I know he's lived with his house mate for 3 years so this was at least 3 years ago. I confirmed that this is true, but did not want to ask the mutual friend too much as I felt like he thought I already knew this, and I felt stupid I didn't know this. I feel like I am already getting emotionally invested in this man and see a future with him, and whilst having been divorced is not a dealbreaker, its a big thing for me. Why do you think he has not mentioned anything about this? Is it a red flag that he hasn't? I really like this guy and no reason to think he is not trustworthy. Should I ask him about this or wait for him to bring it up. 

[d0nnivain]

It's not a red flag.  It's just startling to you.  He probably assumed you knew. 

Since you admit you haven't talked about past relationships yet, you need to bring it up.  Mention that you recently learned he'd previously been married & that it surprised you.  Talk about whatever you are feeling. 

Do not "confront" him about his prior marriage.  Confront is too harsh.  It implies he was somehow wrong for not volunteering info he probably thought you knew.  He probably thought the mutual friend told you.  Plus if he EX-W cheated, this was a horribly painful chapter in his life.  Don't rub salt in that wound because you have your nose out of joint.  

[FMW]

My ex husband was married prior to marrying me.  He just kind of casually slipped it into a conversation we had a few months into our dating.  I was really bothered that he hadn't told me before that point.

His explanation was that he was embarrassed because it only lasted a few years and it was something he wished he could just erase.  Looking back it may have been a little insight into his thought processes that could and would cause problems in our relationship. 

I don't think it's a straight up red flag, but I would bring it up.  I agree with d0nnivain, don't "confront" - give him a chance to respond.  We don't owe the people we've only started getting to know an immediate and full disclosure of our past.  Listen with an open mind to what he has to say about it.  

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that you have just learned that he is not open and transparent communicator. It depends how important this is to you.

I personally love men that are transparent to the point of over-sharing. I don't like guessing and men filtering info.

[Watercolors]

I disagree about confronting. You better confront him! But, in a non-confrontational way. After all, you deserve to know why he didn’t tell you. Don’t play games. Don’t hold your feelings in about this. If you’re upset, feel upset!

Nobody including your mutual friend knows why he hid that very important information from you. Only he knows. My take on it, is that was very dishonest of him, and it is a sign of disrespect to start out dating you, with a big secret like that. Most people would state that they had been previously married within the first few dates, because its part of their relationship history and it’s a huge thing: being married! 

Since you found out from that mutual friend, you could tell your boyfriend of 6 weeks, “when I was with [mutual friend] he/she told me you were previously married. My feelings are hurt that you didn’t tell me that when we first met. Why? I need to know.” 

See how he responds. 

If he deflects and keeps the focus on the mutual friend being a blabber mouth, I can guarantee you that he is hiding a lot more from you about that marriage that he doesn’t want to be upfront with you about. But if he comes clean, don’t leave any stone unturned. You have every right to know who the hell you’re dating at 6 weeks. What other secrets is he hiding from you? Insider trading? That he has children from a polygamous relationship? 

You don’t even have to be abrupt when you bring it up either. Just be casual about it. And tell the truth. Don’t play games or pussyfoot around hoping he’ll bring it up to you and then get mad because he doesn’t. Just ask him already. 

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I think that you have just learned that he is not open and transparent communicator. It depends how important this is to you.

I personally love men that are transparent to the point of over-sharing. I don't like guessing and men filtering info.

I’m the exact same way as far as my communication preference with men. If they can’t bother to be transparent with me about who they are, where they’re at in their life, and about their past, it makes me think they are keeping secrets from me. Guessing is only useful for games like charades, not with relationships. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it's very weird he never told you - but then again, you never asked. A general overview of relationship history including marriage and divorce if it happened is pre-first date conversation in my book. I was married once and always disclose that by the end of the first date. It's very unlikely I'd date a man with more than one divorce behind him, so I'd absolutely bring it up very early on. 

Now that it's out there, I'd definitely talk about it. 

[Clovergirl]

Thanks for your answers. It really bothers me he did not tell me. I'm not particularly close to the mutual friends, they are more friends of friends, so I doubt he would assume they would have told me, or I'd know. If he was cheated on, I understand he may be hurt and it doesn't mean he can't have a loving relationship with someone else. However, I've never been in a serious relationship before and I'm struggling with the thought of ending up with someone who had been so in love previously and been through the whole proposal, engagement and wedding thing with someone else when I've very little relationship history to compare it to. 

[Clovergirl]

I will bring it up, but yes, in a nice way and just tell him friend mentioned it and I was surprised to hear about it. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Clovergirl said:

. It really bothers me he did not tell me. 

As it should. Your instincts are excellent.

It's the deceit and ruse you need to run from .

[MsJayne]

Maybe he didn't tell you because it was an unpleasant episode in his life, and if there's no kids from the marriage it means he can just blank it. Perhaps he got married very young and regrets making such a big mistake in his choice of partner, and given that he's only thirty and been divorced at least three years it would seem that's the case. You say you haven't discussed past relationships so there's been no opening for him to tell you, and it may not be all that big a deal to him, kind of like living with someone for while and then finding out they're a douche, except with wedding cake. He may see bringing it up as negative and he hasn't because he doesn't want to bring negativity into your relationship. I understand why some people may interpret him not telling you as a bad thing, but I see it as the opposite, he's actually moved well on and doesn't let the past poison the present. She's so insignificant to him she doesn't even rate a mention - and that's great. Bring up the topic of past relationships and he'll probably tell you. 

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

However, I've never been in a serious relationship before and I'm struggling with the thought of ending up with someone who had been so in love previously and been through the whole proposal, engagement and wedding thing with someone else when I've very little relationship history to compare it to. 

This is the heart of the problem. 

Same phenomenon with young couples that have very different sex history. The guy holds it against his gf she had more partners, etc. You will probably never get over this. I know I've been there when I married my ex-husband at 20 and he was 28. He had a child in a previous relationship and he was my first boyfriend. I couldn't wait for him and I to reach the 5 year together because it was the amount of time he was with her. I couldn't wait to have a child with him to kind of exorcise the fact he had a child with her, I thought too he must have loved her more. All this is lack of emotional maturity. And it's normal at a young age like you to not have reached this emotional maturity. So, my suggestion is to let him go and find someone you won't be jealous or in competition with his past. Offer yourself this peace of mind in a better balanced relationship.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Gaeta

[Shining One]

12 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I personally love men that are transparent to the point of over-sharing. I don't like guessing and men filtering info.

 

12 hours ago, Watercolors said:

If they can’t bother to be transparent with me about who they are, where they’re at in their life, and about their past, it makes me think they are keeping secrets from me.

How much of your dating and relationship history do you openly disclose to men early on? I used to be in the over-share category myself, but I've learned over the years to "match" the woman's level of openness as much as possible.

[deepthinking]

he was cuckolded and you want him to specially talk about that?     would you want to disclose that your sexual performance was less than?   or that you were not worth being faithful to?

Edited December 15, 2020 by deepthinking

[smackie9]

At that age, asking if they were married or have kids would have been the first question out of my mouth on the first date. Why didn't you ask? It's a common question The man is 30. The possibility of him being married/divorced is pretty high.

It would be different if you did ask, and he lied to you. There are no red flags here. Carry on.

[elaine567]

I don't think anyone needs to share their complete relationship history in minute detail, but to omit to mention significant events like a marriage and hopefully a divorce is a bit of a red flag I think.
I am beginning to think that a man who has been cheated on may not be a good bet either.
Women tend to cheat because they are not happy and that is often due to neglect and a lack of connection and poor communication skills in their man.
Here this guy is showing a lack of communication regarding his marriage. Something that should have been mentioned very early doors, he is an adult after all.
Proceed with caution.
 

[Miss Spider]

Why didn’t he tell you? Same reason people hide anything. Because it was disadvantageous for him to do so. That being said, 10 dates would be more than enough time for him to have told you this. That is very scoundrel of him. I would cease talking to someone if they did this to me and I’d have no problem telling him exactly why.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[amerikajin]

17 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

I'm 26, he's 30. We met through mutual friends. We have been seeing each other for 6 weeks and been on about 10 dates. He has said he is looking for a relationship and things seem to be progressing well between us but we are not yet official. We have not spoken about past relationships and whilst I thought he probably has exes and may have been in long term relationships before, I never imagined he'd been married. I thought he would have mentioned something that big and am hurt he hasn't. A mutual friend mentioned in passing (assuming I knew this) that he was married and his wife cheated. I know he's lived with his house mate for 3 years so this was at least 3 years ago. I confirmed that this is true, but did not want to ask the mutual friend too much as I felt like he thought I already knew this, and I felt stupid I didn't know this. I feel like I am already getting emotionally invested in this man and see a future with him, and whilst having been divorced is not a dealbreaker, its a big thing for me. Why do you think he has not mentioned anything about this? Is it a red flag that he hasn't? I really like this guy and no reason to think he is not trustworthy. Should I ask him about this or wait for him to bring it up. 

I find it odd that the subject hasn't come up at all after 10 dates, but I also wonder why it's not official. What's holding you and him up? I would absolutely have a problem with this lack of candor if you had even once brought it up before now, but my understanding is that you haven't, correct? If that's true, then that's on you, too.

I think maybe this is where you two need to start having "the talk" about where this is headed? And in that same conversation, you could ask about how the past has influenced where he is now (and vice versa). I totally get wanting to start out slowly for the first 4 or 5 dates, but things have to progress and speed up at some point, eh?

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

Should I ask him about this or wait for him to bring it up. 

You need to ask him about this... you also need to check the county court to see if he's filed for divorce--it's a public record.

Also, it was serious enough of an issue that a mutual friend pulled your coattail to make sure you knew he wasn't legally out of that marriage. If you want to be that kind of woman who dates married men, then have at it.  You don't sound like you are.

Avoiding the subject of unfinished emotional business isn't something you should be avoiding--you need to know if he's free and clear to enter into a romantic relationship with you.  If all he's after is a distraction for being in a less than fulfilling marriage, you also need to know that's his end game with you.

Avoiding the necessary information you need is only going to end up hurting you.

Edited December 15, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, deepthinking said:

he was cuckolded and you want him to specially talk about that? 

I want to know if the state has sorted out that mess of a marriage if he's sounding like he wants to move into deeper waters with me.

Being purposefully ignorant of important information isn't an adult excuse, so yeah, he needs to spill the beans.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I'm assuming you've been intimate with him already. If so, he absolutely should have told you beforehand. He didn't have to get into the bloody details, but you have a right to know upfront.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, deepthinking said:

he was cuckolded and you want him to specially talk about that?     would you want to disclose that your sexual performance was less than?   or that you were not worth being faithful to?

I think people so over-complicate things!

Stop looking for potential problems and live in the moment a bit is my advice, life will be passing you young 'uns by waiting for the perfect person to materialise.

18 hours ago, Clovergirl said:

A mutual friend mentioned in passing (assuming I knew this) that he was married and his wife cheated.

The interesting thing is if he'd brought it up already you might now be thinking 'does he have backage/still think about her' etc.

 

[smackie9]

IMO now that you know, yes bring it up and discuss it with him before continuing to get more invested. Tell him that something like this is a big deal to you, and this may put a damper on trust.

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I disagree about confronting. You better confront him!

* * *

Since you found out from that mutual friend, you could tell your boyfriend of 6 weeks, “when I was with [mutual friend] he/she told me you were previously married. My feelings are hurt that you didn’t tell me that when we first met. Why? I need to know.” 

My issue is with the word "confront" & what that means to me.  To me, it implies sort of a mean spirited, aggressive gotcha.  What Watercolors wrote above as as way to open the discussion is fine but not confrontational.  

@Clovergirl You said you were going to bring it up in a nice way.  That is good.  even Watercolors talked about doing it in a non-confrontational way.  You must discuss it because it bothered you.  I think the above is the nice way. 

I'm just stuck on the "confront" part.  Don't come at this with guns blazing. . . "Why didn't you f'ing tell me you lying, cheating scumbag? How the H am I ever supposed to trust you?! &%$#^" will get you nowhere. 

Good luck.  

[Clovergirl]

I do not expect he had to mention it on the first date or go into the details straight away, and I can understand it must be very difficult for him to talk about. But by this point he should have brought it up. I feel like I had a right to know this before starting to get emotionally attached to him, which I am now. I should have also brought up previous relationships before now, and have learnt to do this in future. I have very little to say in that department, which I why I didn't bring up my own past,. At his age, I'd expected he may have been in a long term relationship previously, which is one thing but I certainly never thought he had been married as I thought we were close enough he'd had mentioned this. I was curious about his past and wanted to bring it up, just wasn't sure how. He never even mentioned an ex in passing, which most guys I've dated do mention, and now I feel like whilst he did not lie to me, he deliberately withheld the information because I did not specifically ask. 

I will ask him about it. Confront was too strong a word and I agree its likely a sensitive topic and I will ask nicely. He is a good guy overall and I don't want to rub salt in his wounds. 

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This is the heart of the problem. 

Same phenomenon with young couples that have very different sex history. The guy holds it against his gf she had more partners, etc. You will probably never get over this. I know I've been there when I married my ex-husband at 20 and he was 28. He had a child in a previous relationship and he was my first boyfriend. I couldn't wait for him and I to reach the 5 year together because it was the amount of time he was with her. I couldn't wait to have a child with him to kind of exorcise the fact he had a child with her, I thought too he must have loved her more. All this is lack of emotional maturity. And it's normal at a young age like you to not have reached this emotional maturity. So, my suggestion is to let him go and find someone you won't be jealous or in competition with his past. Offer yourself this peace of mind in a better balanced relationship.

You are right. I am hurt he did not mention it but my lack of relationship history comes in to it. Maybe if I'd been in a long term relationship but not married I could relate more. Whilst I don't expect a 30 year old to have no past, it really bothers me he once loved someone else enough to marry her, when if we end up together, he'd be the only man I'd ever had.  I can accept him no longer having feeling for the ex and loving me completely, but the idea of having so many firsts and so many experiences with someone else really bothers me.