Sumayyah Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) Hey, I'm Sumayyah, 20, and I'm new to Love Shack -- looking forward to my time on this forum! I'll get straight to my dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years and our relationship is very serious with us planning on getting married and starting a life together down the line. Throughout the duration of our relationship, I've had issues with his mom. Background on Bf's Mom: She's a very insecure and erratic woman who has been through a lot of hardship in her life, particularly several abusive relationships, which has now made her latch onto my bf -- her oldest child -- for emotional support for the past few years. As I became a priority in his life, she has taken out her feelings of abandonment out on me. In the beginning her and I were decently friendly, but something would trigger her, and she'd go into a very immature and chaotic state where she says things just to hurt me. Like: I stress my BF out, I'm a "manipulator", and I don't love him as much as he loves me. She continuously gaslights me into thinking I'm the one with the issue or I should "get over it/ move on" and etc. I'm so tired of going through these cycles. She also is an awful influence in my BF's life -- constantly yelling at him on the phone, accusing him of blocking her when he doesn't immediately reply to her text messages, and refusing to take accountability for any of her emotional abuse towards him. In August was my final straw with her blowing up at me for something that wasn't entirely my fault and weaponizing my past mistakes against me and even airing out the details of my relationship with her other children and relatives. It's worth noting, I have never been anything but kind to her and have NEVER yelled at her. But it's impossible for me to have a serious discussion with her without her losing control of her emotions and saying hurtful things to me, so I asked my boyfriend if he could speak with her about the ways she's harmed our relationship, and maybe convince her to have a change of heart. At the very least, we just want closure, so we can peacefully move on with our lives without her. My BF is luckily on my side throughout all of this but is it wrong to have him do my bidding? Am I putting him in an unfair position or is it his responsibility since she's his mother? Edited December 14, 2020 by Sumayyah
Wiseman2 Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 12 minutes ago, Sumayyah said: My BF is luckily on my side throughout all of this but is it wrong to have him do my bidding? Am I putting him in an unfair position or is it his responsibility since she's his mother? Excellent. Yes, let him deal with his mother. Stay out of it and respect/tolerate her for his sake. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 26 minutes ago, Sumayyah said: At the very least, we just want closure, so we can peacefully move on with our lives without her. My BF is luckily on my side throughout all of this but is it wrong to have him do my bidding? Am I putting him in an unfair position or is it his responsibility since she's his mother? She is his mother & he needs to deal with her. Just remember blood is thicker than water. He may not be willing or able to cut her completely out of his life. You can't know now how he will feel if you have children. Before you accept a proposal from him, make sure you are willing to deal with her & all her shenanigans for the rest of your marriage.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 (edited) I would think twice before continuing with him. For better or worse, you would also be marrying his family and vice versa. She would likely get even more hostile once you have children that she can lay claim to. Edited December 14, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 14, 2020 Posted December 14, 2020 I've been in your shoes, and ultimately I had to walk away. We were very much in love - everybody said we seemed tailor-made for each other. But his mother constantly interfered and gave him major guilt trips about not doing enough for her or including her enough, even though he was a great son. Just one example is that she got upset because he didn't invite her with us on a romantic weekend away - she offered to buy us a brand new car if we'd spend more time with her. We spent a lot of time with her, but it was never enough. He established a number of boundaries with her, but she was very manipulative and constantly violated them and guilt-tripped him. He really suffered from the stress. In the end, I couldn't imagine having children with him, with her as their grandmother, as I was 100% sure she would have created an unhealthy, stressful dynamic, so I had to leave. This will almost certainly get WORSE if you marry him. There's no way I'd marry a guy like this unless he proved 100% that he was able to establish appropriate boundaries and maintain them. Most people are not able to do this, as it's hard to do. Ever since my bad experience, I screen carefully for these weird mother-son enmeshment issues and avoid them completely. 2
Kaarek Posted December 15, 2020 Posted December 15, 2020 I had this exact same issue with one of my exes. Her mother eventually started to "dislike" me all of a sudden. She eventually pushed her daughter against me and tried to jeopardize our relationship. Needless to say that at some point I decided to leave. One thing you (as a lover) can't replace is Family. Some people are highly dependent on their family members. Your boyfriend might not be the case, but his mother will always be a part of his Life. Right now it might not seem a big issue, but like many others mentioned what if you'll want a family together? You'll have a very stressful marriage.
smackie9 Posted December 17, 2020 Posted December 17, 2020 wow sounds just like my mom...most likely you are dealing with someone who has mental illness. Has she been diagnosed yet? All the talk in the world from him or you will not do anything. She needs to seek out therapy to get her head on straight. Have a mention of this with your BF and plan a course of action. Maybe do some research, find a good doctor to work with for some advice, etc.
ShyViolet Posted December 17, 2020 Posted December 17, 2020 Stay out of his relationship with his mother. Don't get in the middle of it. Do you and your bf live together? Do you live under the same roof as him and his mother? Assuming that you don't live with your bf and his mother, just don't engage with her. Try to talk to her as little as possible. Ultimately your bf is going to have to decide how to deal with her, and whether to distance himself from her or not. You can't tell him what to do about the situation, or control it in any way. She is not going to change.
Miss Spider Posted December 17, 2020 Posted December 17, 2020 (edited) All my bfs parents loved me. You know why? No not because I’m fabulous. But because I keep my mouth shut and agree with them Edited December 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
basil67 Posted December 18, 2020 Posted December 18, 2020 On 12/15/2020 at 5:04 AM, Sumayyah said: In August was my final straw with her blowing up at me for something that wasn't entirely my fault and weaponizing my past mistakes against me and even airing out the details of my relationship with her other children and relatives. You've got history with her other children and relatives - and stuff has gone wrong in the past where you've been partially at fault. While you may not be deserving of complete disrespect, I suspect there are two sides to this story. What history do you have with the family? What was the thing which went wrong and how did you contribute to the problem?
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