Meeting someone for the first time from another country

[Laura1998]

Has anyone ever experienced this situation before? 

I have been talking to this guy on instagram for a few weeks. We text most days during worktime.

Any tips and experiences?

[d0nnivain]

I doubt you will be able to meet until all of the Covid restrictions have lifted.  It would be dangerous to do so now.  

Until you meet assume this is all a big fantasy that is going no where.  Have a lot of skepticism until you have proof that he is who he says he is.  Avoid getting attached to someone you don't know & you can't know each other until you meet in person.  

Do avail yourself of video options. 

When it's time to actually meet, do not allow him to stay in your house & do not agree to stay in his.  Don't pay for him to travel to you or even split the costs.  If he can't afford to come to you on his own, consider that a strike against him.  If you want to travel there, do so safely.  Avoid falling in to bed together immediately on that 1st trip.   

[Fletch Lives]

Meet quick and tell him you are ready to move to his country - that will weed out the green card guys.

[Laura1998]

I am moving flat in the next few weeks. he has been asking to video call me and plan when but I have been busy and havnt had a chance to call on the phone. i think he is getting frustrated that we havnt had a chance to call or video call

[JRabbit]

2 minutes ago, Laura1998 said:

i think he is getting frustrated that we havnt had a chance to call or video call

Considering you haven't even met yet, he should chill.

[d0nnivain]

First steps 1st.  Call on the phone & video call before you worry about anything else.  

[normal person]

I dated a girl who had just moved to the US from Germany for school. The biggest issue I had was that while her English was nearly perfect, a lot of jokes and cultural references were very much lost in translation. Also, since she had just moved to New York, she wanted to go to all the tourist attractions and things that any city native avoids like the plague. So in the end even though she was very smart and absolutely stunning, eventually I had to stop seeing her because taking her out and trying to explain things to her was like pulling teeth. Very nice girl, just too big of a cultural gap to bridge for me. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Laura1998 said:

We text most days during worktime.

Meet for coffee if he visits. Is he married?

[Laura1998]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

First steps 1st.  Call on the phone & video call before you worry about anything else.  

I have been busy and have nott had time.

We had a video call arranged yesterday at 7pm and I got home from work and wasnt feeling well and went to sleep. He was waiting for me and i saw his missed calls later. I literally forgot about our call and so this morning we were chatting on watsapp I didnt even realise until he pointed it out to me. I apologised and he said its fine.

I will post our interactions on here

Edited December 14, 2020 by Laura1998

[Emilie Jolie]

5 hours ago, Laura1998 said:

I have been talking to this guy on instagram for a few weeks. We text most days during worktime.

 

That sounds a bit intense, tbh.

Don't think you know him; you know his instagram self. It can take quite a while before you get to see someone's true colours, and getting very heavily invested online or over the phone can cloud your judgement a fair bit. Tell people you know in person about him and some of your interactions so you have a trusty sounding board. Whenever you decide to meet (post pandemic), let someone know where and when and scale way back on the communication until then.

Keep it friendly and detached - you haven't met; that's all you need to remember. He might be a great guy, he might have a closet full of skeletons, you just don't know. For now, he's still somewhat of a stranger. Also, if your gut instinct tells you to stop for whatever reason, listen to it. You're not a couple, you're just getting to know a guy at a distance.

30 minutes ago, Laura1998 said:

I will post our interactions on here

Good plan!

[Laura1998]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

That sounds a bit intense, tbh.

Don't think you know him; you know his instagram self. It can take quite a while before you get to see someone's true colours, and getting very heavily invested online or over the phone can cloud your judgement a fair bit. Tell people you know in person about him and some of your interactions so you have a trusty sounding board. Whenever you decide to meet (post pandemic), let someone know where and when and scale way back on the communication until then.

Keep it friendly and detached - you haven't met; that's all you need to remember. He might be a great guy, he might have a closet full of skeletons, you just don't know. For now, he's still somewhat of a stranger. Also, if your gut instinct tells you to stop for whatever reason, listen to it. You're not a couple, you're just getting to know a guy at a distance.

Good plan!

we have been texting a lot. I said to him that I really like him and I message him every morning saying good morning.

I told him that I want him to visit me when I move in my new flat. 

[d0nnivain]

12 minutes ago, Laura1998 said:

I told him that I want him to visit me when I move in my new flat. 

Bad move.  You do not know this guy.  An invitation for a stranger to visit your home during international travel almost guarantees problems.  You may exposure yourself to Covid.  He will assume you mean for him to sleep there & have sex.  If that is not your intent, dial this back.  

If you can't be bothered to text him that you were tired after work when you left him hanging for a scheduled video chat I don't see you as being very invested or polite.  

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, Laura1998 said:

we have been texting a lot. I said to him that I really like him and I message him every morning saying good morning.

I told him that I want him to visit me when I move in my new flat. 

It's difficult to comment on this when we only have one side of the conversation without the context - did you feel you had to say or do these things to please him? Maybe you are a bit too caught up in the moment, or you lack experience?

In any event, it's not too late to change course - make sure you agree he stays at a hotel or something, when / if you have decided on an actual date - I mean I can't see how any respectful guy would agree to this anyway so I guess it's a good way to find out what type of guy he actually is - if he even contemplates it, that's a bad sign. Don't go through with it, either way. 

How international are we talking here, btw? 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Laura1998 said:

I have been busy and have nott had time.

We had a video call arranged yesterday at 7pm and I got home from work and wasnt feeling well and went to sleep. He was waiting for me and i saw his missed calls later. I literally forgot about our call and so this morning we were chatting on watsapp I didnt even realise until he pointed it out to me. I apologised and he said its fine.

I will post our interactions on here

Clearly, meeting him is not really a priority for you right now, so you should just text him that and let him go, so that he can meet a woman who doesn't flake on him the way that you have. 

 

[Watercolors]

40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Bad move.  You do not know this guy.  An invitation for a stranger to visit your home during international travel almost guarantees problems.  You may exposure yourself to Covid.  He will assume you mean for him to sleep there & have sex.  If that is not your intent, dial this back.  

If you can't be bothered to text him that you were tired after work when you left him hanging for a scheduled video chat I don't see you as being very invested or polite.  

I agree. 

You are not showing much common sense here. You totally flake on him, missing the video chat that you were adamant he do with you. If you were really invested, you would have followed through with that video chat in the first place. I don't see him as being the problem here. I see you as being the problem. You have this sense of entitlement; everything has to happen the way you want it to, and if you mess up, that's his fault, not yours. 

Now you want to invite him to your new flat, before even video chatting with him first? That's really a terrible idea. He could harm you. You two are complete strangers. 

[Watercolors]

59 minutes ago, Laura1998 said:

we have been texting a lot. I said to him that I really like him and I message him every morning saying good morning.

I told him that I want him to visit me when I move in my new flat. 

Texting is not dating. It's simply texting. Dating requires face to face interaction in person. What you two are, are actually text-pals. It's just not real. It's a one-sided representation via text messages of the person. 

How old are you, might I ask? You don't seem to have thought this long distance first date through. Why can't you date men locally where you live? What you're doing makes no sense. 

[MsJayne]

Be careful.  If he's coming from a country which is economically inferior to yours, or if he's a displaced person, be very, very careful. Instagram is not real life, even video chatting will not give you a true representation of who this person is. Get on the internet and look up romance scammers, human trafficking, and various other crimes which are very common among people looking to start a relationship with someone in another country.  I always think that anyone who has to search overseas for a partner is suspicious, or even just over the border for that matter. If he asks you to loan him money for his fare, this is a common scam tactic used by romance scammers.  I strongly recommend you follow the attached link and take note.  Also, if you have a photo of him, run it through a program called TinEye. 

https://www.scamwatch.gov.au/types-of-scams/dating-romance#warning-signs   

Edited December 15, 2020 by MsJayne

[Laura1998]

He is from the UK and I am from Austria.

we have talked about past boyfriends and girlfriends and he mentioned he wants me to come see him and thats when I said I hope you come see me in my new apartment when I move out.

We have a mutual friend from my country. He had added me on instagram.

He has tried calling my phone a couple of times but we still havnt spoken on the phone. 

I will posts some of our interactions on here.

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, Laura1998 said:

He is from the UK and I am from Austria.

 I hope you come see me in my new apartment when I move out.

Do not offer to be a BnB with benefits for a complete stranger.

Stop the chitchat and date locally.

[Laura1998]

I am 18 and he is 23.

He has suggested he flies to vienna to meet me and spend a couple of days there together. I dont live in that city it is about 3 hours drive from me.

I said that sounds good and I can show him around.

[Emilie Jolie]

26 minutes ago, Laura1998 said:

I dont live in that city it is about 3 hours drive from me.

People meet in all kinds of ways and places, people move countries and continents to be with each other so meeting locally isn't the only way. But honestly, I think it's a bit of a pipe dream at the moment -  it won't be months before you meet with the travel restrictions and you're already making fantasy plans to meet some place neither of you knows. Absolutely not a good idea.

If you're going to meet, let him meet you on your turf since he's the one travelling anyway. You're only 18 - make sure your parents or similar know your whereabouts at all times. You'll both be in foreign territory meeting as strangers; you need familiarity. Really, the first meet should 100% in a crowded place, preferably with friends, as low key as possible. You need to reign this way back - you don't know him.

 

[Ruby_Red]

44 minutes ago, Laura1998 said:

I am 18 and he is 23.

He has suggested he flies to vienna to meet me and spend a couple of days there together. I dont live in that city it is about 3 hours drive from me.

I said that sounds good and I can show him around.

If austria is like most European countries, there are probably some serious travel restrictions in place right now, especially with the UK, after Brexit. So you’ll have a few more months to get to know him better, before he arrives. Which is good, and you’ll be a little older by then as well. Who’s the friend that knows you both? Do they really know him, in person? Or only through social media? It’s good to have a link between you. That way he’s not a complete stranger, but make sure you ask your friend a lot of questions about this guy, which you probably already did. Maybe all 3 of you can meet before you’re alone with him? You and your friend who already knows him could meet him at the airport together. 

[smackie9]

Who doesn't have 10 minutes for a phone call? You have time to shop, eat, go to the toilet, you have time to make a phone call. What is the real reason you hesitate to call this guy or FT with him?

 

[Emilie Jolie]

On 12/15/2020 at 4:27 PM, smackie9 said:

Who doesn't have 10 minutes for a phone call? You have time to shop, eat, go to the toilet, you have time to make a phone call. What is the real reason you hesitate to call this guy or FT with him?

 

They haven't met, though. This above sounds suffocating enough in an actual relationship with an actual partner, but from someone you haven't even met? That rings alarm bells. 

At this point, as they've already established mutual interest, they need to set a clear date and hold off on any sustained communication, other than a quick hello every so often. They need to feel like they are discovering new things about each other when they meet up. That's what I would want to do.

They talked, presumably verified each other's identity, seen photos / videos whatever - that should be enough. They now need to chill.

No amount of phone calls or video calls will make the situation real until they meet, ultimately, and sharing too much before that will create a false sense of intimacy.

 

[smackie9]

Some prefer to at least talk or FaceTime before committing to a date. 

5 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

They haven't met, though. This above sounds suffocating enough in an actual relationship with an actual partner, but from someone you haven't even met? That rings alarm bells. 

At this point, as they've already established mutual interest, they need to set a clear date and hold off on any sustained communication, other than a quick hello every so often. They need to feel like they are discovering new things about each other when they meet up. That's what I would want to do.

They talked, presumably verified each other's identity, seen photos / videos whatever - that should be enough. They now need to chill.

No amount of phone calls or video calls will make the situation real until they meet, ultimately, and sharing too much before that will create a false sense of intimacy.

 

Some people, especially during a pandemic would rather interact with a phone call or FaceTime before committing to a date, or use the technology to start things off. Hey I’m all about interacting irl. I think this texting for weeks before a date is ridiculous.