Dating a guy who has a lot of intense female friendships?

[smackie9]

This guy is addicted to emotional relationships. Yes it's an addiction. I know someone like that. I would say he polygamous on a emotional level. Ick don't go there. Never date someone who is so dependent on those types of relationships to make himself feel good, because that's what it's all about. I would look for someone who is well balanced, with lots of hobbies and interests. Someone who is quite happy with himself and doesn't need female ego fluffing.

[princessaurora]

My husband had this female friend he would hang out with all the time when we first met. At first I welcomed her, but the way she was always touching him and flirting with him made me uncomfortable. When I expressed my concern, he basically brushed it off and said they had been friends for years and he's never looked at her like that.  But I knew she looked at him like that. A woman knows that look. She also claimed to be a lesbian, and was always telling him  how sexy she thought I was. She started pressuring my husband/then boyfriend to set up a threesome for us, but I told him no way. Shortly after that she made a move on him when they were out playing pool.  He called me telling me how shocked he was , but I wasn't surprised at all.  He ended the friendship with her after that. 

So, no I could never date someone that had a ton of female friends either.  I'd always be worried he'd be hooking up with them when I'm not  around.  Plus, alot of times,  when a man becomes unavailable, it can trigger a little jealousy and suddenly the female friend sees him in a different light. If he's ever had a crush on that girl he thought friend-zoned him and now she's showing interest,  the current girlfriend better watch out. I have seen this played out again and again. 

Your guy  seems to be surrounded by beautiful women being a fashion photographer and in that industry,  there is so much temptation. It also means he's frequently making new female "friends."  I believe attractive people have a difficult time maintaining friendships of the opposite sex. . Eventually, someone tries to cross the line. I've had alot of guy friends in my life and every single one of them tried to take it to the next level, except one. I assume it was because he was asexual.  Men with hot female friends they hang out with on a regular basis in my opinion are a recipe for disaster. It would take a very strong willed, confident woman to tolerate such a thing. 

 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

It would take a very strong willed, confident woman to tolerate such a thing. 

She can be as confident and strong willed  and understanding and tolerant as she wants to be, but it still doesn't guarantee he won't cheat on her if his "friend" gives him the green light...

[Lotsgoingon]

 

2 hours ago, Stret said:

I am wondering about starting to date a guy who has a lot of female friends, some of which are in his life on almost daily basis - he cat sits for one of them, goes with her to the vet, deals with almost every trivial issues in her life as she always seems to ask for favours, travels around the continent when he doesn't feel like it so he can be there for her, etc. 

Full stop right here.  This was enough to signal no. Definitely, you made the right decision to cut this guy off.

The problem here isn't just that he has lots of women friends. The problem is that he is way too involved with their lives. I see this as a boundaries issue. He apparently  doesn't know how to maintain a healthy distance with women he knows. So there is no way you would be a priority for this guy. He's running around helping friends in a way that only a close family member would do. To say he doesn't know how to maintain a healthy distance means basically he doesn't know how to be a real friend.

He can't say "no." He likes being enmeshed with others. Dating him would be like dating a kid who doesn't really know how to prioritize or save energy for you and the relationship. People like this don't know how to even focus on their own lives. They neglect themselves. Certainly they would neglect any real romantic relationship. 

Yes, the fact that all these people are women totally matters. But you'd want to stay away from this guy even if he was this enmeshed in the lives of male friends. Saying "no" to a lot of outside distractions is absolutely necessary in relationships. A more typical scenario is that someone is too tied in with their biological family of origin, and they can't really prioritize the relationship even when family is disruptive or rude to the person's partner. 

To give you an example of healthy friend,  I am extremely close to one of my exes.  She lives thousands of miles away. We talk usually once a month by phone. During Covid and recent political turmoil, we sometimes talked once a week.  We hash out what's going on in our lives when we talk, but occasionally we'll talk more frequently but only during emergencies. When she visited her mom in her mom's final days, I'd touch base with her multiple times a week. When my brothers died in a short period of time, we talked often. 

The proper role of friends is to have conversations ... and to be there more intensely during emergencies. This guy is enmeshed as if he is dating these folks. A total mess.

 

[Ellener]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She can be as confident and strong willed  and understanding and tolerant as she wants to be, but it still doesn't guarantee he won't cheat on her if his "friend" gives him the green light...

Someone who is into cheating is going to cheat whether it's with a ten year friendship or someone in the grocery store.

 

[Fletch Lives]

 

I would not suggest dating him, he has way too many backup girls. You could give me his number though, I'd like to talk to him to find out how he does it!

[Ellener]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He's running around helping friends in a way that only a close family member would do.

Lots of us don't have close family members these days, or have made friends our 'family of choice'.

He sounds perfectly fine to me as he is but anyone who wants someone all to themself is going to complain if they work too much, have time-consuming hobbies, are close to their pets- or too close to their family. Heard/seen all those! 

[Lotsgoingon]

Ellener, being part of a support network is great.

travels around the continent when he doesn't feel like it so he can be there for her, etc.

Traveling around the continent is NOT being part of a support network. This is something wildly more weird than that!

This guy is behaving like an on-call nanny to a royal family.

Edited December 14, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[caputo77]

I dated a guy like this once when I was in college. It got to a point where he was cancelling dates because he had to go pick up one of his female friends from the airport or rushing out of my place practically in the middle of sex because one of his close female friends “was sad and needed him”. His phone was always dinging with texts from girls. It got to a point where we were barely ever seeing each other because he always had some commitment to a female friend. If I ever said anything about it or expressed disappointment, he would emotionally manipulate me to believe I was being some psycho jealous person. I just wanted to be the “chill” girlfriend and trusted he wasn’t cheating on me because he was so open about it, so I put up with it. 

The last straw for me was one day when I met a new friend who lived in my boyfriend’s building and I asked if he knew my boyfriend...the guy said “Oh yeah, Matt? He’s dating Michelle right? He’s always with her.” Michelle is not me lol. I gathered enough evidence to verify he never exactly physically cheated and I believe they were genuinely just friends, but I still don’t understand why he was spending more time with some other female friend than he was willing to give to me, his girlfriend. 

It was very damaging and took me a long time to realize I am not a jealous person at all and I truly don’t mind my SO having female friends...I just expect to be prioritized over those female friends at least most of the time and that’s 100% fair. Ultimately, I think these were probably women he had romantic interest in and had been friend zoned by (I’ll be honest, he was “nice” but not the most physically attractive guy). I guess he kept accommodating their needs in hope one might change their mind eventually and I was the entertainment while he waited? Or maybe it just felt like a nice confidence boost to be surrounded by all these women, or maybe he had problems setting boundaries, I don’t know. But now I’m very wary of guys like that because I think it points towards larger issues. IMO a female friend should be someone my boyfriend may go out of his way to see every so often to do something platonic, maybe with more frequency if they’re group activities with other friends involved. Anything more than that would just make me feel like I'm not being prioritized appropriately. 

I think you made the right choice, OP. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

This would be a NO for me for two main reasons: 1. These women are used to calling him for favors and shoulders to lean on, and it's only a matter of time before some of them test boundaries. 2. Women can be horrible to other women. I agree that at least a few of them have friend-zoned him in the past, and what I've seen with my own two eyes is that when a friend-zoned man gets into a relationship, some women want to circle back around with newfound interest.

Too. Much. Drama.

Glad you put your foot down. 

[Stret]

Many thanks to all of you who replied. Things are fresh but I already had a chance to reflect on the way he handled our discussion, the way he conflicted himself, avoided answering my question on whether he has any unattractive friends, called my factual statements ridiculous and considered it an accusation. I asked him a few times to not escalate the conversation into an argument. I copied before our short text exchange so you can see... I think he's being overly defensive or is acting like that for some other reason. He's in his 50s BTW. Not a young guy.

I think he's used to dealing with vulnerable women, often foreign, who have nobody in the country. He's not attractive at all. He just knows how to talk his way into someone's life, how to be touchy-feely, etc. 

I know this is a good decision in the long run as it saved a lot of heartbreak. 

[JRabbit]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The problem here isn't just that he has lots of women friends. The problem is that he is way too involved with their lives.

RSBM

I agree.....having female friends ...not a huge fan of it but tolerable. Having female friends that he is at their beck and call for? That is just strange.  Total friend zone vibes IMO.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, it seems like he wants to be everyone's BF, yet no one's. 

Be careful that you're not relegated to "just a friend" at some point. Keep an eye on things, don't over invest.

[flitzanu]

3 hours ago, Stret said:

I just dropped him a text to tell him that this is unhealthy for both of us. He saw it but ignored it for a while.

I then dropped him another message: Take good care of yourself for me, will you? 

He: What are you talking about, am fine. 

Me: OK, glad to hear that. 

He: LOL, it's not crime to care for someone. 

Me: OK.

He: Hope you're having a good day.

Me: I will go now. I really will miss you a lot. 

He: LOL. Thats your choice. 

LOL? Ok. (and I blocked him while he was typing a message) 

I understand that he might be defensive but this is childish. He is playing it down and went from I love you this morning, to this exchange. I really wish him all the best. That's it, I guess. Too bad. He was the first guy in four years that I clicked with. I will keep searching and maybe there is someone for me somewhere... 

never* date a dude that uses "lol"

[FMW]

11 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

never* date a dude that uses "lol"

Ha!  Actually that probably comes from his copious communication with women.  I have a friend with two daughters in their early twenties, and he uses LOL and has other texting habits that I'm sure comes from his regular contact with them.  

[Watercolors]

Stret - you dodged a huge bullet ending things with this 50 year old guy. I read his text message responses to you and was appalled by his immature behavior. LOL’ing at you was his way to gaslight you (minimize your feelings, undermine your self confidence), which is a manipulation tactic. 

You can seriously do better than this idiot. I’m so relieved you had the common sense to test your gut feeling out by texting him and trying to discuss your concerns with him.

His responses were all the proof you needed, to see that he is not truthful with you. You may have been one of the few women to confront him about his behavior, which he didn’t like, because he’s not used to being held accountable for his behavior. Eww. Those types of men make me run the other direction. 

Block and delete Stret! That’s one rotten fish! Leave him be, to his harem of “female” friends. Gross. 

[MsJayne]

I stopped at the part where you say he calls pretty women "honey" and "sweety" - I had to in case I barfed. Does this guy have any overweight women friends? Any disabled female friends who could really use some of the help he dishes out all over town? Any unattractive women? Old ladies? Does he help out his guy friends so freely? Regardless of what his reasons are for being Mr Fixit, I advise running away at high speed. A couple of opposite sex friends is good, a lot of them is a sign that he just can't get enough female attention, and that's always a huge problem. In my twenties I lived with a guy who had a lot of female friends, and I took it as a sign that he was a genuinely nice guy.....underneath he was a angry little misogynist with some major identity issues. Any heterosexual man who collects female friends and acts like Mr Fixit is a chest-beater and has some big issues going on underneath the kindness. 

[notbroken]

It won't be shocking when he cheats on you with one (or 6) of his many female friends.   I have a few female friends.   I don't do lots of 'favors' for them and am not all 'touchy feely' with them.  I've known men like that.  They all cheat and seem to 'collect' women.   I also know women that are all too happy to have such guy friends to do favors for them all the time - in other words they use their guy 'friends'.   Often the friendship seems to end if the guy stops doing favors.   I just wouldn't want any part of that if I was you.    Avoid.  

[d0nnivain]

22 minutes ago, notbroken said:

It won't be shocking when he cheats on you with one (or 6) of his many female friends.   

Sure it will.  It is possible to be outgoing / friendly and loyal / ethical.  

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Stret said:

I understand that he might be defensive but this is childish. He is playing it down and went from I love you this morning, to this exchange. I really wish him all the best. That's it, I guess. Too bad. He was the first guy in four years that I clicked with. I will keep searching and maybe there is someone for me somewhere... 

I think your reasons for ending it were sound, but expecting an ending of some quality when you've sent a text to dump someone is unrealistic.   It's such a disrespectful way to end things and honestly, it's not surprising he reacted as he did.  

Cut him some slack.  And I wish you well on your journey.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, JRabbit said:

RSBM.

What is RSMB?

[Stret]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think your reasons for ending it were sound, but expecting an ending of some quality when you've sent a text to dump someone is unrealistic.   It's such a disrespectful way to end things and honestly, it's not surprising he reacted as he did.  

Cut him some slack.  And I wish you well on your journey.

Text is the main way we communicate for the past 10 days since I went to see my mum in another country. I tried to tell him on the phone the night before, and did tell him, but had to face an escalated tone of voice and calling what I said about his friends ridiculous. It just didn't work and he would dismiss everything I said. Since he used text to tell me how much he loved me after that talk, there was nothing controversial about the mode of communication. If I were back home, I'd call him and tell him in person. 

I did cut him some slack. I hung around for long learning about who he is and dropping hints - just to have him show me the photo of every single friend he has at different occasions, and bomb me with daily photos of someone else's cat, then bomb me with the photos of the matching kitten he bought for himself with that friend he is with on a daily basis... He even had to get a matching effing kitten with her. Couldn't get a different breed or adopt one that needed home.

Enough. 

[elaine567]

The man is perfectly happy doing what he is doing, you can't change him and why would you want to?
He wants to slot you into his life.
Nothing wrong with that.
However you are not happy about the way he lives. 
Too bad. 
Find another guy who lives the way you want him to and who can give you what you want and leave this poor guy alone.

[Kaarek]

He's a douche. Move on. Sending you hugs your way.  

[poppyfields]

On 12/14/2020 at 6:15 AM, Stret said:

he cat sits for one of them, goes with her to the vet, deals with almost every trivial issues in her life as she always seems to ask for favours, travels around the continent when he doesn't feel like it so he can be there for her, etc.

His phone beeps all the time and someone is asking him for a favour or confiding in him. 

 I wouldn't know but everything in me tells me he is most likely hiding at least some stuff.

I don't believe these are "friendships," they are not romantic interests either. There is something else going on and imo yes he is hiding something.  

It sounds very much like he offers up his services to these women for a fee.  It's a business.  In my neck of the woods, not uncommon.  They solicit their services on craigslist and then word of mouth.

Traveling around the continent so he can "be there" and do favors?  His phone beeping all the time from women needing favors?  No these are not friendships, they're paying him. 

I wouldn't be surprised if he was offering sexual favors as well. At least to some.  I mean, whatever they need, right?  Blech.

He's probably embarrassed to admit this, it would be like admitting he is some sort of a man whore or something.

I'm glad you got rid.  

 

Edited December 15, 2020 by poppyfields