Ex Reaching Out After Three Years

[Lotsgoingon]

I simply talked to her normally like I would with any other human being.

Dude, I'm sorry, there is no such thing with an ex. No such thing. 

You identified a bad tendency on her part for why you broke up in the first place. In order to even begin to think about considering--well before considering--resuming contact with her, you would want a full-scale taking of responsibility on her part about how she behaved with you. And, you want to clear evidence--overwhelmingly clear evidence--with little effort on your part that she has changed.

BTW: knowing you have a bad tendency and owning that does NOT mean you have changed.  People know they could be exercising more and eating healthier. They can even own that. But knowing and owning unfortunately have almost zero correlation with actually exercising more and eating healthier.  So you'd want overwhelming clarity on her part that she has repaired and changed the thinking and acting that led to her flirting. Her compulsively flirting is not a superficial part of her personality. Clearly, there is a deep driving need in her to flirt to a self-destructive extreme, and this habit likely stems from some kind of inner imbalance, need for drama, need for chaos, need to distance herself from people, need to get attention and on and on.

So forgiving her to just be a friend--and let me be clear ... a friend you talk to twice a year ... I can see that.

Forgiving her in order to consider reconciling with her--no, terrible idea, especially since she just divorced and given her history, she needs to get clear on that and heal from that and get some insight about herself. Nothing you have said suggests to me that this woman is on a path of changing herself. 

Calling an ex is always loaded. Now, sometimes it's OK to do so, but you always want to have some awareness and caution going. There are always neurons awakening and reigniting in some way when we call an ex. 

 

[Kaarek]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I simply talked to her normally like I would with any other human being.

Dude, I'm sorry, there is no such thing with an ex. No such thing. 

You identified a bad tendency on her part for why you broke up in the first place. In order to even begin to think about considering--well before considering--resuming contact with her, you would want a full-scale taking of responsibility on her part about how she behaved with you. And, you want to clear evidence--overwhelmingly clear evidence--with little effort on your part that she has changed.

BTW: knowing you have a bad tendency and owning that does NOT mean you have changed.  People know they could be exercising more and eating healthier. They can even own that. But knowing and owning unfortunately have almost zero correlation with actually exercising more and eating healthier.  So you'd want overwhelming clarity on her part that she has repaired and changed the thinking and acting that led to her flirting. Her compulsively flirting is not a superficial part of her personality. Clearly, there is a deep driving need in her to flirt to a self-destructive extreme, and this habit likely stems from some kind of inner imbalance, need for drama, need for chaos, need to distance herself from people, need to get attention and on and on.

So forgiving her to just be a friend--and let me be clear ... a friend you talk to twice a year ... I can see that.

Forgiving her in order to consider reconciling with her--no, terrible idea, especially since she just divorced and given her history, she needs to get clear on that and heal from that and get some insight about herself. Nothing you have said suggests to me that this woman is on a path of changing herself. 

Calling an ex is always loaded. Now, sometimes it's OK to do so, but you always want to have some awareness and caution going. There are always neurons awakening and reigniting in some way when we call an ex. 

 

I see we share the same vision. I'm glad with everyone's response. This was a check-in post for me.

I often keep things to myself, but everyone has a different way of doing things and thinking, and this post was meant for that.

Thank you, and all the others for expressing your vision about the matter